Today I'm getting married! Something I always dreamt of, to find someone who loves me for who I am, to be able to show up in suit, and be a man who marries a woman. Today, at 14:00, the life of being a husband starts.

I remember being a teen, inside my room at my parents house. Door and curtains closed. Using the internet to express my want for being a boy/man, without realizing what is going on. Sometimes not seeing sunlight for days just to talk to people who thought I was a boy in real life too. Hearing my chosen name, and them using he/him when they spoke about me, gave me a look at what a happy life could be like. But life never went further than a screen. Wether it was a cellphone getting texts, or looking at my computer monitor chatting with people or seeing them on the webcam, and me always having excuses for never having to put mine on.

I always fantasized about proposing, about marrying, about spending my life with my best friend. Being a husband. I thought that life was not for me. That I had to be the one getting asked, that I had to be the one in a dress. That that was what life was like for me, because I had no say in how I was born.

In a few hours I'm getting ready. In the house we made our home, my suit is ready in a room of our house that I designed in a way to feel like my childhood room. I bought back a look-a-like of my old computer monitor and several other things I remember from being in my room often. This time it will be different. They will see me as I am. I get to express myself as I am. I will do it with pride, and I will do it with my younger self in mind. Because against the odds, we made it.

I debated with myself if I should write something new, as the post I made before this one was a goodbye (to being on Tumblr). But here goes:

I was 13 or 14 when I started this blog: I started going into puberty, found new passions at the school I went to, made friends for the first time after a very rough time in high school. I was happy and miserable at the same time, wondering why life felt so rough but also had insane high's from learning new things at school and finding pictures on Tumblr I related to. Maybe it was the hormones from puberty throwing me around. I was trying to find out who I was.

And here I am, I'm turning 30 this year. That's fuckin' old, dude! I've gone through so much in the years that are between 13 and my current 29. There are some things I wish I could take away from my younger self, some people I'd rather not have met and poured my love and energy in. And life questions that I have the answer to now. I wish I would've been more honest - to myself and the people around me. But maybe that's just part of figuring out life - finding out who you are, or want to be, and see which shoes fit and which don't.

It's been.. 17 years. And I've learned a lot. I grew a lot. Fell down a lot too. But I guess, I always got back up, otherwise I wouldn't be here writing this.

For me a lot of time I spent wondering about if I was able to build a good life for myself. To find love, to have my own home and find a job I loved. I realised that when I looked back on this blog. Being 13, 14, 15, so unaware and innocent. So ready to grow, to get out of my parents house, to be my own person. I've been and build my own person since I turned 18 and moved away from home. In between then and now I:

Broke off the relationship with who I thought was my forever person

Got into a very, very, very dark mindset and unfortunately was suicidal

Got my own place, my very own place

Discovered I'd rather live as male, started hormones and had surgery

Lost friends that I thought would be there forever

Had lovers I loved more than myself, which bit me in the ass most of the time

Went to therapy and found out I had PTSS, treated that and rewired my brain

Finished 3 schools (and got diploma's of all of them)

Had a premiere of a documentary I made in a real cinema

Did lots of fun stuff with my parents

Found the love of my life, got our own place and got 2 cats(!)

Got my first job

Learned to love myself

Got tattoos

Got a burnout

Quit my job

Found out I have Autism

Found out I have a bad gene causing me to go deaf

Learned to say no and have boundaries (ongoing process)

There's obviously a lot more. But there are, I think, the highlights? If younger me could only see how far I had been by now. I can safely say nothing went the way I thought it would go - absolutely nothing. I can also say there's a LOT less dark days. I also learned to treat my body and brain healthy and to not make life harder when it doesn't have to be. But I guess that's some things you can only tell yourself when you've done the work and lived as long as I have (sounds like I'm almost retired but no).

I think, if I could go back with one piece of advice for my younger self, it would be not to to just do life the way you want it to. It's so easy getting caught up in wanting to compare yourself to others, or to challenge yourself to always climb one more step on the letter. You're enough just by being.

I am enough just by being. I'm glad I turned into the person I turned into. I'm still trying to find out who I am, or who I want to be, but I have so much important knowledge about myself. I think the most important thing is I know I have my own back. I can count on me - and that hasn't always been the case. But from here we move forward.