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Sometimes the most loving thing to do is to say no. 

Sometimes the most loving thing to do is to let go.

Loving someone is about looking out for their well-being over your own.

Loving someone is about choosing to trust even though it is hard. I’m not able to love anyone (myself included) without knowing God’s love first.

Oh Lord, teach me how to love the way you do.

Teach me that, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, 

it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily 

angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices

with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always 

perseveres.”

If you haven’t noticed already, I am someone who likes to dwell on the past quite a bit. It’s partly because I am naturally good at remembering specific details about moments in the past. Like I can remember exactly how I felt when so and so said this or that to me. I find I process my thoughts and feelings through pondering about the past. The questions that often pop in my head are like, “How come that happened?” or “What did she/he mean when he said that?” or “Why did I feel the way I did when...?”. You get the idea. All of this is about my past. 

One of the ways I remember the past is to journal. I have a habit of journaling since I was young but I am less consistent with it now. It’s a good way for me to unleash all the thoughts and feelings from within. I find journaling very therapeutic and nourishing to my soul. 

Similarly, I started this blog because I really needed a space to express my thoughts and also be creative. I am prone to repressing my feelings and through some sort of creative outlet (blog, music, art, etc.), I feel like I can release the flood of emotions that I don’t often share. 

Feelings are a funny thing. I am an empathetic person and therefore, it is really easy for me to feel how others are feelings, just by being with the person. I can’t express this in words but it’s just how I find myself connecting with people, especially people who I care a lot about. I naturally feel how they feel when I spend time with them. This is a great skill in terms of caring for others and meeting their needs but it is not good in terms of caring for myself and recognizing my own needs.  I often find it hard to acknowledge and affirm my own feelings because I am very sensitive to the feelings of my friends or family. I get emotionally invested in people really easily and I am finding that it has become unhealthy for my well-being. It stems from a genuine desire for human connection and belonging. In order to meet my need to feel needed, I go and serve others so that I may belong. Everyone has a need to be loved and I often neglect this need. 

I recently started reading Gary Chapman’s book on The Five Love Languages and I realize that I need to be okay with my need to want to be loved and cared for. As I have been giving love to others, I need to learn how to receive love too. 

If I am thinking about this practically speaking, I can’t serve or help or love others if I am not feeling loved or cared for myself. The bible says that I have to love others as I love myself. It doesn’t say neglect yourself and focus all your attention on other people. 

I am reminded of John 4, the passage about the woman at the well and how Jesus, being the perfect human being, humbly asked the woman for a drink. This is crazy right?! I have studied this passage numerous times and every time, I feel convicted to change my attitude about being served. I am actually lying to myself in thinking that I am self-sufficient when I don’t asked to be served by others and don’t let others love me. 

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=blo8QYbsZ_4)

Hello there! :) I am having a really REALLY difficult time concentrating so I decided to write another post haha. This topic has been on my mind for quite a while now. I have a lot of thoughts to share, so it’s going to be another rant type of post...

Feelings. I have to admit that this is an uncomfortable topic to share about. It’s mostly because I experience such intense feelings that I don’t really know how to express them into words. I think that’s why I enjoy music so much because through music, my feelings can be fully expressed. I don’t write any music but you know when you listen to a song and you’re like, “yeah, they know exactly how I’m feeling”, that’s what I mean. 

I chose this topic because you are reading a blog from a feeler. Feelings form a huge part of who I am as a person. I know that this is true, not because I took the myers briggs test and it told me I’m an ISFJ (F=feeler), but that I am one who constantly feels and I am aware of my feelings as I experience them. Like, when I meet a new person, I will feel something depending on the vibe I get from that person. Or as simple as, oh man, the weather is so cold, and I feel cold. I guess all that I am trying to say is I am a sensitive soul who feels everything but....

Also being a feeler doesn’t make me a weaker person, who can’t think or doesn’t have the capacity to objectively make decisions. Since I am so aware of my own feelings, I tend to be extra cautious about everything I say and do. It’s both a good and bad thing because I end up overthinking everything then. I end up doubting myself because I feel like if I don’t have solid evidence to back-up why I am making a certain decision than I shouldn’t go ahead with it. That’s the science part of me talking lol. I feel like I’m currently in a tough season... but also a good season in which God has been teaching me some important lessons. In particular, I am learning to trust God with every single aspect of my life. I’ll admit that I am a worry-wart. When I was in school, I was worried about my grades; when I was done school, I was worried about finding a job; when I have a job, I’m worried about doing my job right... the worrying goes on and on and on... it’s a terrible cycle of endless worrying. 

I went on a run this morning (actually I attempted to, I ran for like 3 mins and ran back in the house because it was TOO windy and cold lol) and I saw some birds just chilling on the grass and I was reminded of the bible passage about the birds in Matt 6:26, which reads:

“Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?”

I am grateful for the reminder of the Father’s care for me even in the small matters of life. I feel like when I am down and lost, I can always turn to Jesus because he’s gone through every temptation, trial and experienced all sorts of human pain... he knows it all. So I urge you, if you happen to come across this post and are experiencing a difficult time, turn to Jesus! He’s the only person who won’t let you down! 

I'll end this post with a song that I’ve been listening to a lot these last few days. Song: Cling to Christ By: Sovereign Grace

Good to be back on here to write another post! I will jump into what I want to rant about today. (Please excuse the lack of organization in my thoughts. I am an external processor and need to hear/read what I am thinking in order to make sense of things so please bear with me :)) here it goes~~

From my last post (Aug 2015) to early December of 2015, I was looking for a job as a speech-language pathologist (S-LP). I wasn’t surprised that it was going to be difficult to find a job because before I graduated, I was already hearing how saturated the job market was in my field here in Toronto. Actually, during one of my placements, I remember my preceptors were in the process of looking for new jobs. Needless to say, I was feeling anxious about it yet at the same time, I expected it was going to be a tough and long process. 

I prayed about where God would send me to work and to be completely honest, I was feeling led to apply for jobs outside of Ontario because there seemed to be more opportunities out of the province. I even wrote the national exam in order to get certified and be recognized internationally as an S-LP. However, that was apparently my plan for my future not God’s plan for my future.

Altogether I sent out around 50 applications and got interviewed by a handful of places. Even though I applied as far as B.C. and Alberta, I did not hear back from any of those places. One of the most difficult parts was both the joy and excitement of getting an interview but also the anxiety and fear from having to be interviewed. I remember one of my scariest interview experiences was being interviewed by a panel of four clinicians and asked like 15 questions (yeah :/). And then obviously after the interview, the waiting part wasn’t fun either. Because during those times, I would start envisioning my future and hoping that I would get the job and even mentally preparing for it. And when you get the call that you didn’t get the job, well it is like your dreams got crushed. I’m trying to describe this as accurately as possible because that’s how I actually felt after every interview. I thought, “yeah, I could see myself working here.” or “it would be really great because I love working with this particularly population”. 

The other equally difficult part of the job search was all the helpful but not so helpful advice that I would get from my parents. Now, I love my parents and I know their intentions were good but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that they also made the process much more stressful. I think I won’t go into the details of this because it would probably be enough content for another post lol

Back to my job search, so I did apply outside of province and wrote the exam but wasn’t successful. Eventually by around late November, I was getting tired of applying to jobs and interviewing for places but not getting any offers. It was very discouraging and that’s an understatement... sigh~

*ring ring* Then I got a call to be interviewed from a place that I applied to like a month ago. It was the farthest I had to go for an interview but remember what I had envisioned for myself? I had this desire to leave home so the possibility of moving out and living independently was very appealing. I thought that this would be in alignment to my Urbana 2012 experience (Christian missions conference) when I prayed and asked God to send me wherever he wanted me to be. Because I was waiting to hear back from this place that was out of town, I felt like I needed to mentally prepare for the possibility of moving out and finding my own place etc. I was unable to sleep for several nights because I was constantly thinking about how things would unfold. 

Interestingly, the day before my interview, I got a call from a place that’s 10 minutes away from home for an interview! I automatically started to weigh the pros and cons of the two positions and again wasn’t able to sleep very much due to all this thinking. I really was set on the first job where I would get to leave home and live independently. But thankfully, I did not decline the interview from the second place as throughout the interview process there (there were a total of three rounds of interviews), God had changed my heart and given me the desire to want to work for this company rather than the one away from home and I decided to take the job if they offered it to me.  

I struggled with the idea of staying at home because there was an urge in me to move out after I had finished school and be independent from my parents. The thing is I just wanted to be independent for the sake of being independent. I wanted to feel like a grown-up but did I actually want what I had told God at Urbana 2012 to go wherever he wanted and to live missionally there? No- it was just my selfish desire for independence and freedom. I didn’t want God’s plan if it meant I had to live at home with my parents--which is the very place he was calling me to be. When I was convicted of my selfishness, I realized that God was revealing to me that his plan for me was to stay at home and not move away. He was calling me to stay in Toronto.

Praise God for the tough job search journey that pushed me out of my comfort zone, challenged me to choose to trust in him in all circumstances and against odds (less prospects of finding job in Toronto) and finally leading me to find a job super duper close to home! None of this is anything I would’ve expected!

I look back and realize how blessed I was to have my church’s small group pray for me throughout this time. God was using them to provide the encouragement and support that I really needed. So when I thought about my life and where to work, where to find community, God you had already provided the answer and all I needed to do was to trust in you! 

I didn’t intend on sharing about my job search journey but I think that it is not my story it is really God’s story as it shows how little control I had over my life in terms of what opportunities would come up, what places would ask me for an interview, what places would offer me a job. 

Why hello there. It’s been a while hasn’t it? I sincerely apologize for my absence on this blog. I feel like I am back at where I started and it’s a bit embarrassing that I have only posted a couple of times here. 

Well, there are setbacks in life and I believe everything happens for a reason, according to God’s good and perfect plan. 

Here’s a brief update about what has been happening in my life:

For starters, I have completed my Master’s in SLP as of last month! Hurray! :] It feels great to be finally done with school FOREVER (unless, I end up pursuing academia which is not likely)! 

So you might ask, “what are you up to now, now that you have all the time in the world (that’s not quite true but I do feel like my schedule is pretty free)?” My response would be, “well, a whole lot of reflecting that’s for sure.” This is where I will start rambling on about how life has been for the past two years of living :P (don’t say I didn’t warn you haha).

It’s going to be difficult to sum up all that I have experienced these past two years being back home, living with my parents and studying at U of T. But if I were to pick a word to encapsulate everything, the word would be “challenging”. The past two years have been quite challenging to say the least. 

I mean, in some ways, I expected it to be difficult and intense but boy, was I in for what feels like a pretty long and somewhat overwhelming rollercoaster ride! There were both ups and downs, highs and lows; the road was smooth at times but rocky at other times. The darkest moment had to be the few times during the two years when I doubted whether or not I should even be studying to become an SLP. I questioned whether I had made a mistake in choosing this career and that I should’ve chosen something else all along. These feelings often came from a place in my heart where I was being super critical and negative towards myself. I don’t know if you have ever been in that place before but it’s very scary and dark. I felt lost. Lost in my own negative thoughts. I found myself believing in lies that weren’t even true about myself at all. Like “I am not worthy or that I can’t do anything right”. 

I find it interesting that at the beginning of every new season or chapter of life, I'm super duper eager and keen for what's to come. Now it is the very first week of my month long summer break and strangely enough I have a tinge of those feelings mixed with neutral feelings about getting this break. I think even though I was dreading school so much during my final academic term, I tend to prefer working over resting. You could say I'm a bit of a workaholic. I love keeping busy and working. When there isn't a set schedule filled with work to do, I find myself feeling lost or bored. I have come to realize that I do not actually know how to rest properly.

Currently my schedule consists of helping my parents run any errands, surfing the net, watching YouTube videos, day-dreaming, etc. These things sound really purposeless and mindless (except for running errands- which is actually doing something productive). What I'm trying to get at is that I cannot justify resting because it feels like I'm wasting time. 

This is not something new. I've struggled with the idea of resting for a while. I think what I need to figure out is what is the best way for me to re-charge so that I can do work. What would fill me up when I'm tired and feeling empty, so that I would have energy for work. How to rest well is something I am still learning to do and I am praying that during my month off, I'll become better at taking good rest so that I'd be prepared to do any work that God gives me.

I definitely am one of those people who have made new years resolution goals and failed to meet them. This is evident in the lack of activity on here. I think the reason that deters me from blogging/vlogging/etc is that I am inconsistent with it. Well, here's another post after 7 months later haha

Updates:

I have finally completed my summer coursework for year 1 of my Masters program. Oh in case I hadn't mentioned, I'm currently studying to become a speech-language pathologist (SLP), which is a person who specializes in the assessment and treatment of various communication disorders. I started the program last year in September and now that I'm nearly half-way finished, it feels great! This program has been intensive and rigorous but I think I like it that way because when you are busy, time goes by faster.

Random thoughts:

I have been in school since Kindergarten so it feels like I've been in the classroom forever. Though I dread the assignments and exams that were mandatory to complete in school, I love the idea of continuing to learn and grow with peers in a healthy and positive stimulating environment. I love the aspect of engaging in discussions with other students and hearing different perspectives. There's more than academic lessons being learnt there. When people with similar goals are brought together, school work doesn't seem as burdensome and learning would actually be for the learning not for grades. I guess I have enjoyed being a student most of my life. It is true I don't know any other way but I think once I start working, it will probably hit me that I'll miss school. Looking back, now that I'm in grad school, I feel very nostalgic when talking to friends about my undergrad years. I spent half a decade growing and learning and building and developing. Throughout my years in school, I believe that God has been shaping and molding me to becoming more and more Christ-like. To learn to love and serve other people as Jesus did. I'm grateful to God for more opportunities like this as I am still in school. This is a good incentive to keep pressing forward in making the most of my studies in Year 2 worthwhile.

The current state of this blog is blank and bare. It's like the beginning of the new year when you get to start fresh on all your goals in life. One of my goals this year is to create a blog. On this space, I hope to share my thoughts, feelings, interests, passions, values, beliefs and random tidbits of my life with you. I have been told that I am a ranter, so you may also get some of that too. You've been warned.