#beingserved

If you haven’t noticed already, I am someone who likes to dwell on the past quite a bit. It’s partly because I am naturally good at remembering specific details about moments in the past. Like I can remember exactly how I felt when so and so said this or that to me. I find I process my thoughts and feelings through pondering about the past. The questions that often pop in my head are like, “How come that happened?” or “What did she/he mean when he said that?” or “Why did I feel the way I did when...?”. You get the idea. All of this is about my past. 

One of the ways I remember the past is to journal. I have a habit of journaling since I was young but I am less consistent with it now. It’s a good way for me to unleash all the thoughts and feelings from within. I find journaling very therapeutic and nourishing to my soul. 

Similarly, I started this blog because I really needed a space to express my thoughts and also be creative. I am prone to repressing my feelings and through some sort of creative outlet (blog, music, art, etc.), I feel like I can release the flood of emotions that I don’t often share. 

Feelings are a funny thing. I am an empathetic person and therefore, it is really easy for me to feel how others are feelings, just by being with the person. I can’t express this in words but it’s just how I find myself connecting with people, especially people who I care a lot about. I naturally feel how they feel when I spend time with them. This is a great skill in terms of caring for others and meeting their needs but it is not good in terms of caring for myself and recognizing my own needs.  I often find it hard to acknowledge and affirm my own feelings because I am very sensitive to the feelings of my friends or family. I get emotionally invested in people really easily and I am finding that it has become unhealthy for my well-being. It stems from a genuine desire for human connection and belonging. In order to meet my need to feel needed, I go and serve others so that I may belong. Everyone has a need to be loved and I often neglect this need. 

I recently started reading Gary Chapman’s book on The Five Love Languages and I realize that I need to be okay with my need to want to be loved and cared for. As I have been giving love to others, I need to learn how to receive love too. 

If I am thinking about this practically speaking, I can’t serve or help or love others if I am not feeling loved or cared for myself. The bible says that I have to love others as I love myself. It doesn’t say neglect yourself and focus all your attention on other people. 

I am reminded of John 4, the passage about the woman at the well and how Jesus, being the perfect human being, humbly asked the woman for a drink. This is crazy right?! I have studied this passage numerous times and every time, I feel convicted to change my attitude about being served. I am actually lying to myself in thinking that I am self-sufficient when I don’t asked to be served by others and don’t let others love me.