Generally Depressed

Can't help but feel like I'm not alive to actually live, I'm only alive waiting for the moment to end it all as though that's my only purpose for being here

I feel like I'm playing a game of Jenga, the one where the rules are that you place the piece you take back on top except I've finally found the piece that's going to make it all fall apart

When you're having a good day up until you get home and close the door, it just hits you that you're happiness is only temporary

I feel as though I'm being weighed down but not by some invisible weight on top of me. I'm can feel myself slowly getting heavier like the pressure that comes from diving too far underwater. I can't make it stop but I really do want to. The longer it carries on, the longer I am left to be the victim of my own mind. Unless I can swim back to the surface they will drown me and I'll find myself no longer able to fight

Whenever a really bad time comes along for me and I've hit one of my darkest places I've always wrote something about how I feel and posted it on Tumblr. This time I couldn't find the words and I finally felt like there was nothing I could say, I don't know what to do this time

At this point I'm just going through a constant cycle of switching between what I know to be unhealthy coping mechanisms but convince myself it's okay because everytime I switch I'm simply recovering from the previous one and getting better

Literally have zero effort to do anything anymore, including getting out of bed. It's like I'm physically drained of all that energy and I just can't seem to bring myself to will it back

When you convince yourself you're finally doing good only for everything to come crashing down all at once leaving you in a worse place than when you started