#ending may contain trigger warnings #venting-type of writing
I dreadedâreflected, then breathed. Today was the planned trip. The trip my friends and I had talked about for a month. They were excited, so I was... was.
After those awful summer classes, I finally had the time to unwind before third-year starts. Three days. That was our only break before suffering again for the next four months in one semester.
I was looking forward to it, because I knew college isn't going to get any better.
So I prayed this morning. I prayed that there will be no problem with my schedule.
I was excited. So I told my mom.
She stopped in her tracks. She said she has a meeting on saturdayâthe day when we're supposed to leave. And dad, he's off to another city to take care of our other business. That means, no one is left to take care of my siblings except for meâthe eldest.
While my two siblings can take care of themselvesâwith the elder one being a sixth-grader, and the other one being two years behind herâthe youngest, who was also the troublemaker, had only entered elementary.
It should have been fine that the youngest will be taken by my mom to her meeting while the two will be left at home. But with our reviving businesses, that proves to be impossible.
The location they picked was not a peaceful street. On some days, you'd be able to watch a drama for free with people drunk fighting. Of course, some of the kids were also bullies. And my siblings, being the kids raised by conforming Christian parents, they were very much a reflection of that.
The baseline was: I can't leave them alone.
Fortunately, mom said her meeting finishes at 3 so she'd be back by then and I'll be free to go. I have no problem with that.
I prayed this morning. I prayed that our way there would be fine.
I have two friends going with me to the other city, with the rest of the lot being there already. Problem was: yesterday, one of them told me that the other said he wants to meet up at the terminal by 5 in the afternoon. That one friend, being the absolute sweetheart that he is, told him I had classes that day. Cause our damn professor called us in for an early start.
So then the guy wants to go at four am the very next day. Like man, okay. I guess I won't be riding with them.
But the other one, being the sweetheart that he is, said that he can ride with me on the way there. He can ditch our friend, as long as that increases the chance of me going to our trip.
But that night, I told him to just go with our friend. I'll be fine.
I prayed this morning. I prayed that I wanted to come.
But that night prior, my mom called. It was about the trip. She promised to go home early so I can catch up to the others. But I cried.
I was stressed. I was tired. I had no energy. I couldn't think about all of these factorsâ about all the things that affected the perfect-planned trip. I suddenly didn't wanna go.
I wanted to save money. I wanted to save energy. But then I thought of all my friends who were there. This is one of the only chances we'll be complete. Some of us go to different college states. It was a hard chance to come by. Think about all of the things I will miss outâ
I don't want to go. Think about all the money spent during the time they came back here in this city. I could have saved that up and I would had money in my hands like I used to be.
I cried that night to my mom. She got mad, thinking that even though I could have gone in the afternoon, I wanted to go in the morning with my friends. No one would be left to take care of my siblings.
No. It wasn't like that. Iâ I don't know! I don't know anymore! Just please, shut up, shut up shut up shutup shutupshutup. SHUT UP!
Tears silently rolling down as I lay supine, gazing to the white ceiling.
But amidst all the sermons she told me, I only said, "I'm not going anymore."
I prayed this morning. To wish it all go well, that I wish to still go, but at the same time, too tired to think, too stressed to decide.
It was like deciding on my college dorm all over again. The reason why I decided to just go back to my own city and enrol in a university there.
It was one of the decisions I've regretted.
I went to our other house to take care of my siblings. All the while wishing that I could go. Praying that my mom does come home at three and that she'd told me I could go.
The kids were playing cracked minecraft on our pisonet. So they were rowdy. That was fine, because they quiet down soon.
My younger sister took care of selling in our mini-store while I watch them. She handed a change to this one guy who bought liquor, but then he started yelling.
I went in-between and asked what's the matter. He told me stuff that doesn't make sense. It was fine. Things like these happens sometimes. It was a tactic I was well aware when we used to have this same business back then.
But something popped. And the next thing I knew, there was a sharp pain on my side.
It was a knife, stabbed to me. I only saw red. I was not one to go down without a fight.
The guy was drunk. So his reaction was slow, seeing the same knife hurling towards his face. He went down as easily.
I only gave a hard stare, clutching my bloodied hands. I could feel my breaths shorten. I was anemic, so this way to go wasn't somehow out of my imagination. Because this morning, I prayed.