🀄 There's nothing more frustrating than your ex relating to or having pfps of MCs who are OBJECTIVELY kinder than him, why is a serial cheater and grave emotional abuser who knowingly sent me into crippling anxiety spikes without caring saying he's just like Luffy? No, you're not Luffy sir you're closer to Blackbeard because the only parts you relate to in Luffy are his anarchist beliefs, but you don't unconditionally love people around you and use your qualities to motivate everyone to improve their lives. Steven always put others above himself and cared enough to help baby birds during a risky fight with Jasper, but you never think of anyone's feelings but your own, you destroy everyone around you and you see that happen in real time but you never care. Even when you cuss your father out he doesn't beat you, probably because he's aware of your disorders that predispose you to be like that. You wouldn't be like this if you educated yourself on the impact these disorders have on your life, if you accepted the psychological treatment your mother goes to hell and beyond to afford for you. For someone who claims to want to seek as much knowledge as possible, you're a queerphobic stupid who chooses not to understand others' feelings. You're definitely not a monster because of your disorders, they don't say anything about you, your choices are what makes you a monster. As much as we've suffered for other peoples' sakes, we're experiencing a situation where WE cut people off for the first time: our former acquaintance group treats us like the devil but we barely acknowledge their presence. To me, they're nothing more than acquaintanceships that failed, that's why I'm moving on immediately, without trying to explain myself because I know they hate me for no reason. They picked out someone who looked dumb or weak and wanted to mob them. That's the only reason they're spreading rumors about me among the group. It's so satisfying to be seen as the monster for once.
I do wonder how they see our choice to be silent, though. We've decided to distance ourselves even from the two acquaintances we liked a little more, VL & G. VL were a system. They were almost friendd to us- they'd have actually been friends if they texted us more often—just stating facts here, we're very picky on who we consider friends. We loved them, how much they loved japanese aesthetics, liked house as well as urban decorations, roblox pet collection they were all very dedicated to, their cute accent, how affectionate most of them were, their genuine love for birds. G was the only guy ever to nail a bowlcut—granted, he gave it a kpop boy flair to it with long wavy bangs parted at the middle along with the making of a skilled barber on the back: flowy hair always sitting perfectly separated from the scalp. A thick mustache I envied dearly. Olive skin. He was short and comfortable in his masculinity to find it funny when the others tied a tuft of his hair up with an electric pink scrunchie and took pics (he was wise to cover his face at least). Very interested in football, you could hear him discuss it with a guy everyday before going into achool. It made me insecure because I'm a guy but not into or informed on sports. He never misgendered me and seemed to sincerely see me as a man, not below him, which convinced me it is in fact not hard to treat a trans person appropriately. He was the butt of the group, but not really, in the way I was. That's to say everyone made fun of him but in a genuinely funny way that he didn't mind (on my third-or-something day of being acquainted with him, I asked on discord if I went too hard on the jokes, if he wanted me to stop, but he said he didn't mind at all). Dude really was just like that, 'cause I made fun of him before he was integrated into the larger group. In the end he stayed, and I was squeezed out—because of rumors and a pillow fight. He liked wearing his coat over his shoulders like some sort of fantasy CEO, which I found pretty cool and quietly found some relatability with, seen as I also always liked doing that with coats. He was pretty funny, his lisp was cute (I died laughing about it every time he talked), I respected his knowledge on sports' current state of affairs as well as his unwavering faith in an unpopular team. But he and VL (if only S & M started the rumors) didn't come to support me. So they are both against me. I want nothing to do with them.
G will ask me what's up--he doesn't attempt to greet me with a handshake anymore, because he knows I'll weakly reciprocate compared to when we were on good terms and the handshakes would snap and crackle beautifully in the air--I'll say sup, how you doing? and keep doing what I'm doing. I know I'm more distant from him than he was trying to be with me. But I'm tired of people wanting a fourth of me when I would be best friends with anyone who'd let me closer. Nobody acknowledges my feelings on the matter or confronts the ones who started the rumors (S, M & probably VL), so I'll move on from everybody. I'll keep frequenting the library 'cause they don't own it and my life will go on, discarding anyone who claims to care but won't make a consistent effort to stay with me. How sad is it that outsiders keep fumbling us? I guess they're fascinated at the start but don't wanna deal with the rest of who we are. They can't grasp that the secret in our recipe is emotional openness, because it's something they lack.
Gold was fronting yesterday and smiled "neutrally" at VL, which made them avert their eyes nervously. Mind you, I know Gold made a poor decision. The VL believe we were possessive with them presumably for two reasons (I can only presume because no one actually talked to me in that fucking group): a voice message one of us sent on the gc talking about that one time 5 years ago where we & another person spammed the hell out of mentions to call another server member in the chat and how we'd do that to them if they kept not answering our and G's messages, all while cracking up. G laughed. WWF (whoever was fronting) thought they went too hard on it after but oh well, VL never expressed the discomfort that would've urged them to apologize and not do it again. The other probable reason is that M, AKA group leader's girlfriend, was pulling VL away from us and staring, as if playfully jealous (she stares at everyone but mostly us all the time, and her way of acting is so cartoonish that you genuinely can never tell if this girl is serious or not; she's a weirdo like us given group leader partner privileges, which I hate). WWF chuckled. Motherfucker kept staring. WWF thought she wanted them to join in on the play, so they started pulling VL too, laughing the whole time to signal that they for sure were just playing. Motherfucker kept staring. VL just seemed confused with the whole bit and a bit umconfortable so WWF stopped.
M later storms out of the library on some drama bitch shit she has often, then comes back saying nobody can stand me anymore. Mind you, she'd already been below acquaince level at this point for a long time. We only interacted with her if she interacted with us as she & her girlfriend, AKA group leader, were mean to us when we were on good terms always talking shit about our laugh and intimidating our syskids. So yeah idc about this individual's opinion of me, so I shut her down and kept drawing on my phone. Some other stoopid came up to me comparing me to the former local predator I helped drive away forever who ALSO TARGETED ME. This stoopid was never even related to this story, she was actually helping the predator plan revenge on us victims before coming crying to me apologizing at the time, so yeah that's the fucking context if anyone reading this needs me to prove these people are nonsensical.
VL are most likely scared of us but they never communicated we needed to stop doing what we were doing. Also there's a point to be had in how they're afraid of us but not of M who, as you could see in the story, did exactly what we did on that occasion. M (who is also the VL's partner) also gropes them which they have expressed makes them extremely uncomfortable, aggravated by the fact they're collectively trans, to which we encouraged them to tell M off for. So how the fuck exactly am I possessive and creepier than M who does this shit for breakfast and nobody calls her out?
If anybody blames me for not apologizing to the VL before the situation escalated like I did with G on the first days of our friendship, sincerely go fuck yourself because I'm absolutely tired of everyone acting like I need to be perfect in order for people to want to stay with me. I' was always so fucking understanding of other people making me feel uncomfortable or like shit, I always stayed because I never assumed they meant the worst, but nobody ever did the same for me, who actually doesn't mean the worst. I can be perfectly satisfied with my sysmates' company AND acknowledge these outsiders should have done us better if they truly cared about us as much as they claimed to. It's a matter of calling hypocrisy on top of broken promises OUT. I'm angrier they're treating my headmates wrong ever since I left permafront. I never once believed their words of love btw. I knew someday they'd leave us for something stupid and lo n behold they did. Duh, no shit! Outsiders are outsiders. That's why I'm not moved by this shitshow that's happening in front, I knew it'd happen eventually and I've long stopped chasing outsiders who dgaf and want nothing from us except the power and control of screwing us over. We appear very weak on the outside, you know. It was probably a surprise when we stopped talking to those motherfuckers and never again acknowledged their presence. To us, that's the worst punishment because nobody has ever acknowledged OUR presence. OUR feelings. OUR point of view. OUR reasons. US. Now we are simply giving out what outsiders have given us our whole life: nothing :P I'm pissed because they don't know what love is yet they claim to love us. Much before the drama, the group leader said we were like family to her but nah, even that was just to keep us in her reach. I never believed it. Even if you think she really saw us as family, outsiders don't know what Family is. Not to sound like fucking Dom Toretto-- or, YEAH, hell yeah, TO sound like him, but these people don't know what a Family is. We do. We know the whole truth. They don't. And atp idc what their truth is since nobody has ever cared for ours.
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vaporwave
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