Homosexual Crimson Wizard

Zack & Kunsel: *salute* Aye!

Sephiroth:

CRISIS CORE: FINAL FANTASY VII REUNION (2022)

Link to the gay porn library of Alexandria.

All SOLDIER operatives are required to be apart of the official group chat, a space where they can comfortably communicate and relay messages en mass.

• Genesis sending PDFs of the Communist Manifesto at random.

• Director Lizard™ memes every Wednesday provided by Zack.

• Sephiroth using “DTF” to indicate that he’s free to spar. Genesis had told him it means “Down To Fight.”

• Zack sending a picture to the group chat holding the severed head of the president ShinRa statue, along with the caption “I fucked up.”

• Someone changing the group chat name to DilfGeal™ and friends.

• Genesis sending “Sephiroth you forgot your briefs at my apartment” and turning his phone off.

• Zack and Kunsel’s rap battle through voice notes.

• Sephiroth using “IWTFY” to indicate that he’s free to spar. Genesis told him it means “I Want To Fight You.”

• Roche changing the group chat name to Sephiroth’s wig.

• The mystery penis™ — someone accidentally sent a nude to the group chat at 3 AM and quickly deleted it, but the picture automatically saved to everyone’s device and it incited a month long discourse and speculation about the mystery penis. No, it wasn’t Genesis.

• The day they discovered there was a turk informant lurking in the group chat (it was Reno) after said lurker insulted Zack, it escalated and Angeal went out looking for Reno to “chat.”

• Genesis sending “THE 👁️ GODDESS 👁️ IS 👁️ WATCHING 👁️” after every misdeed.

• The day professor Hojo joined the chat so everyone changed their name and profile pictures to Sephiroth.

• Lazard: screen name “Milf-Muncher-5000” kindly revert to your government name and profile picture. I know this is you, Commander Rhapsodos.

• Sephiroth once misspelled the word “laughed” as “laft” and now instead of “lol” or “lmao” everyone just “LAF”

• Everyone spamming the hashtag #GetHewley’d after someone is scolded by Angeal.

• Kunsel posting a list of estimated hex codes and measurements of everyone’s junk and chaos ensuing right afterwards. Genesis in particular is outraged at why his is so underestimated. He proceeds to send everyone his correct measurements.

• Zack using too many emojis, oftentimes only using emojis.

• If you swear, Angeal kicks you out, so everyone starts using Zack’s name as a substitute for for curse words. “ZACK YOU!” is a particularly popular one.

• Sephiroth randomly sending unflattering pictures of Genesis. Then he sends a voice note of his office door being beaten down by Genesis.

Also, Angeal is immediately ruled out as the culprit for the Mystery Penis™ because the Mystery Penis™, while respectably sized, just isn’t big enough for it to be him.

“Leave the boots on.”

[The security camera video is pointed downward, filming a hallway on the 13th floor. An approaching sound of rattling metal, squeaking wheels and laughter is picked up]

[Three people appear on screen. Genesis is seen recklessly pushing along a stolen shopping cart with Sephiroth and Angeal inside. All of them are laughing. Genesis is accidentally slamming the cart into the walls and increasing speed]

[They disappear off-frame]

[Three minutes pass. The hallway is seemingly vacant once more before some shadows are seen approaching the frame]

[Director Lazard appears on video pushing along the shopping cart. He looks positively outraged. Sephiroth, Genesis and Angeal are dragging their feet behind him. All three of them have their heads down]

"—Ashamed!" Director Lazard shouts. "I'm absolutely Ashamed!"

• If you see Genesis walking, mumbling LOVELESS excerpts half-heartedly, venti coffee cup in hand, equipped with giant sunglasses and using the wall for support — it's 7 AM.

• If you find Sephiroth in the elevator banging his head repeatedly against the mirror — it's 9 AM and he's just gotten back from a meeting with Heidegger.

• If you see Zack Fair loudly proclaim "I'm so hungry, I could eat a [insert something non-edible!] — it's 11 AM and it's lunch time.

• If you happen to pass by the SOLDIER cafeteria and hear "ZACK YOU CAN'T EAT ALL THAT!" followed by "HA HA HA WATCH ME!" it's also lunch time.

• If you see Kunsel from 3rd class fall from an air vent anywhere in the building — it's 12 AM and he has completed his Intel collection of the day.

• If you see a feisty blonde infantryman step off the elevator screaming "WHERE THE FUCK IS SEPHIROTH???" — it's 1 PM and Sephiroth has sent his protegee the afternoon's absurd training schedule.

• If you see a pouting Zack doing squats outside the training room with Angeal yelling at him — it's 3 PM and Zack has completed his daily give Angeal a heart attack routine.

• If you see Sephiroth with an air horn in hand and walking towards Genesis's office — it's 5 PM, he's completed all his paperwork and he's bored.

• If you see Angeal and Lazard panicking and running toward Genesis's office — it is now 5:10 PM.

• If you see professor Hojo walk off the elevator, then immediately be chased off by Cloud with a broom — it is 6 PM and Hojo has been barred from his daily attempt at checking in on Sephiroth.

Final Fantasy VII text posts (Part 18)

Achievement unlocked: memes of the boys in HD