a friend like me

Damn, that’s kind of hilarious, actually. She hit it and quit it before the king got to him? Maybe the boobs were a turn off for him, they don’t seem to be his thing. You sure? There’s way more drama than I expected to find here, that’s for sure, but I guess it’s all like child’s play shit and nothing major. I mean, I’d hope that would be your vote, it would be kind of weird if you wanted to do your sister. Didn’t the king already break up with a fiance, and that douche prince dude proposed to a girl and said the wrong name? I’m sure after that a regular ass breakup wouldn’t seem so bad, but I guess I didn’t grow up here. Maybe I don’t get it, even though it doesn’t seem so complicated. Bad is the new good, man; you should try it sometime, it kinda felt good.

Bethany’s hit and quit a LOT of dudes, my dude - wouldn’t surprise me if she’d gotten to you by now, actually. Her boobs are pretty excellent and he didn’t even seem that into their fling which was my first clue even if I was mainly joking. Nah, it’s all like, fake social drama. It keeps us from getting bored, I guess, but no one ever hurts anyone usually. Yeah, King Will proposed to Ems way back when he was just Prince Will but no one ever saw the proposal or the breakup, really, it was all super hush hush, and David’s drama was just...a mess. It’s exactly the kind of shit people want to avoid, I guess, specially since we’re like encouraged to put our whole hearts into relationships and all that junk. No one wants to feel like they’ve wasted their whole heart, no one I’ve met, anyway. It’s more and less complicated than it seems, I dunno, isn’t that just society? I’m too lazy to always be good so I get it sometimes, but bad takes effort too, pass.

Gwen: Jealous is NOT a good look on you, Gav :-p

Gwen: You... just quoted High School Musical... and called yourself a song... I need time to process this.

Gwen: Just get over yourself and ask her. Maybe like, get a goal at a tourney game and then have the scoreboard light up, Gracie, Prom? After you score.

Gwen: Um... stuff? Pre-party and then Amelia might be throwing us an after party, I'm sure you're welcome in Camelot.

Gavin: ive literally never been less jealous in my life

Gavin: youve quoted way weirder stuff, im in heart distressssss gimme some slack :-P

And don’t you forget it, Agrabah; you were like slacker central before I got to you. Somehow I have a feeling your sister’s not letting you out of the house without a flower, but sure, you tell yourself you’re not showing up with nice things for me, it’s fun to watch you kid yourself. Would your promposal have involved camels? I’ve heard they’re kind of your schtick, you’ve got a real reputation these days

Being the best at slacking is still winning at something at least. I was always an MVP if you think about it that way. Maybe you’ll get a baby cactus you can wear around your wrist, you’re tough enough to handle that, right? Yeah, no, I would’ve marched right up to Mount Olympus and offered to give Hercules like all my camels for the chance to take you dancing one night. It would be a death march, because I’m sure Zeus would strike me down in a second, but you could rescue me from your weird Uncle Hades so we’re good. Nah, my promposal probably would’ve been more of a rigging the scoreboard thing at the next game to ask or something, but eh, a reputation based on camels is fine but effort? Is not a good look on me.

Yeah, but when you have an off day, it also means that they’re willing to give you the benefit of the doubt which they so did not do before! She might be more stubborn than you are, though; I wouldn’t put it past her to pull some kind of sneak attack. Do you want free trees? The ones that grow in Agrabah are mostly cactuses and palm trees, it’s not like I have as many fun ones to choose from for you. Yeah, sure, Sunday works fine by me! Do you want to come see what Dunbroch’s like firsthand? I haven’t like, given you a tour of my new home yet.

Wait, what? Me and Harry? But why? We have a very normal brother-sister relationship. He’d protective of me because he’s older and he’s the future king, just like I’m sure you do for Gwen. What’s wrong with being celibate? Sexual intercourse seems so… awkward. Uncomfortable. Like something that would be much better with someone you’re comfortable and safe with, someone you know won’t judge you if you don’t do a good job with it the very first time and who will love you no matter what. It just seems rude to try and force myself into a situation when they haven’t asked I suppose. It’s like inviting myself to a party, everyone knows that’s rude.

Don’t take it personal, they write weird fanfic and say weird shit about all the brother sister duos in Auradon - people are weird. You and Harry probably got singled out because you don’t talk to many other dudes except, well, Mason, who the incest rumors aren’t particularly kind to either. Nothing’s wrong with being celibate per se, it just means you aren’t having as much fun as you could be though. It definitely doesn’t seem awkward or uncomfortable while you’re doing it, it just seems hot which I’m sure you don’t know what I mean so it’s fine, dude. You can think about sex however you want to, just like I can. Inviting yourself to a party when you know someone there is hardly pulling a Maleficent, Cass. You’re allowed to be places and talk to people, you know. You can even do it not politely once in a while, no one’s gonna die.

I don’t know, teachers don’t look disappointed when I turn in assignments now, maybe it was better luck than you think it was. Would you actually listen if Gwen tried to make you do homework? I’m just more agreeable than you, sorry ‘bout it. I’m sorry! I didn’t even realize it had been so long, I’m such a fail friend. But you’ve been busy too, Mr. Tourney Star! Do you have some free time this weekend or are you all booked up training?

What’s the plus side to having teachers think you’re a nerd? That just means they have like expectations for you now, pass. Gwen knows how i feel about not creating expectations for myself, she wouldn’t push me to do homework because that’d just be a waste of everyone’s time. If I say you’re a fail friend too, does that mean I get free trees or should I be nice to you if that’s what I want? Haha, ah tourney, the one place it was kinda cool to have a reputation; I could do this weekend, maybe. Sunday? It’d be dope to catch up.

Aww, does somebody feel like they were wasting all their time on Emma and Bethany and not seeing there’s a great big world out there? ‘Because honestly, Agrabah, you at least did the tourney thing so you’re better off than a lot of people are, I’m sure. You’re asking me to go to prom with you? And I don’t even have to wear a dress? Well damn, how could I resist that last part? Throw in a trophy and I’m there; if you’re going, then I’ll seem like a real slacker on the social scene, and I won’t even have anyone to train with during the dance instead. Yeah, yeah, you’re better off if you quit talking while you’re ahead, Agrabah, don’t try to sell it so much, you almost seem like you want to go.

Psh, heck no. I’m in high school, now is the time to waste time in that field, anyway, so long as I kick butt at something. Which I do, thanks to you. Yeah, yeah, whatever - you can wear as much or as little as you want, I couldn’t care less. It’s not like we’d be posing for senior prom pics or anything, or doing the weird wrist flower thing, so it’s not like it matters, and it’s not like I really want to go, but we’re seniors. Having a good time and leaving to have a better time sounds alright in my book. And - yeah, wow, you’re right, saying more just makes it sound like I’m a secret Tim type who wishes he’d done a promposal instead. Which I’m not. Obviously.

Gwen: He hangs out with Becca now, they sit at our lunch table sometimes *shrugs*

Gwen: She IS her, but you were never supposed to have feelings either. Maybe she's feeling just as screwed as you are right now :-p

Gwen: Nah, everyone has to go to prom with someone. Just be like, girls suck except you, wanna go with me... or you know, something very unromantic :-p

Gavin: weird. i don't like that guy *shrugs*

Gavin: i doubt it lmao she's HER she's always got her head in the game and not in the song

Gavin: i'll try it :-P and hey maybe if she is going crazy about this too prom would be a good place to find out iuno

I wouldn’t know, there’s no way I’m  bad at it, but other people can be bad at anything. Like, I’ve seen people be bad at walking and that’s gotta be easier than sex is. Uh, disease? Murder? Car accidents from spoiled rich boys driving their cars too fast? Why don’t you just make your sister run it for you? She seems super into bossing people around, it’s kinda hot, that Amelia chick is pretty lucky. But your sister also gets to bone that Amelia chick, so she’s lucky too, it’s so hard to decide who’s luckier. Ah, afraid of being stuck with just one? I don’t usually ask all these questions and pretend to be interested in Auradon stuff like this, so you can’t let me down here with your answers.

Yeah, true. I guess Bethany’s had a few stinkers in her time, though she really wasn’t into it with Blake and I think the whole kingdom can tell how satisfied our king is so maybe the bang is in the eyes of the person hitting it. We’ve got  magically good health care for diseases and accidents, and no one kills anyone around here; we’re all annoyingly good, remember? Like, we’re set to live old and happy and healthy here until we have great-great-grandkids. Choosing to abdicate is kinda a big decision and that means thinking things through and that means distracting myself with sleep and girls, which by the way my official vote is that Gwen is the lucky one there (sorry sis if you’re reading!). Damn, way to put the pressure on. Uh, I guess it’s more being scared of making the wrong choice, actually. Monogamy, I could probably deal with. But being wrong? It just seems embarrassing. Especially when your decisions play out in front of so many people. It’s way easier to do nothing than to do something and potentially do it wrong, or at least, it is for me. Guess you wouldn’t really get it, though - from the sound of it, you guys were like encouraged to do things wrong. Or bad.

I’m, um, not entirely sure about how these things work but I’m pretty sure that doesn’t make you siblings. Harry and I would never engage in those kinds of activities with each other, after all! And no, no, it doesn’t grow back; it’s something that you can only do once, it’s supposed to be special and magical and something you remember forever. I would love to dress the winners but the student council and the yearbook committee have never approached me about it, and I’m not sure it’s my place to offer a service to them when it’s one they don’t seem to want. I could draw any design people wanted, though, if it was ever something they were interested in.

I mean, I hope not, but people probably guess that you’re the most incestuous siblings in the kingdom, so maybe that’s not the best comparison. Special and magical and something you remember forever.... uh-huh, sure, whatever you say, Princess Celibate. Sex can mean whatever you want it to mean, but uh, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t quite mean what you think it means to most people anymore. You could always offer a service? Like, worst case scenario, they say no and you have one less thing that you have to do, still kind of sounds like a win to me.

It’s the end of the year! You know how much homework they pile on to us, and Persephone actually has me sit down and do all of it! Like, in a serious way, not in the fun way that Olly and I used to do homework. Although we have had a few of those green times — but they’re sister bonding! Blake’s offended that he hasn’t been invited, too; maybe the two of you can just start your own sessions! Or you can come next time, I guess; I’ll just, like, have to see if Persephone’s okay with it, maybe.

Ha, dude, that’s some shit luck right there. You had the only child life for so long and then boom, gone. Not even my sister makes me do all the homework, but that’s because she couldn’t even if she wanted to. I mean, chilling with Blake or really anyone sounds cool, but I miss doing that with you. It’s like ever since you almost became Queen of Auradon I hardly see you anymore.

Who’s even on the yearbook status? You feel free to go for that but like… I literally have no idea who those people are, I’ve never bothered to pay attention, not even when they come interrupt practice to take those annoying team pictures of us. Really? You’re probably good enough by now if you did want to, and it would be kinda cool to have some familiar teammates out there with me. But less competition for me; I’m not going to complain if you’re too lazy to get your butt out there and keep keeping up with me. Well, I don’t give any of the other demigod guys the time of day, so good luck with that. Can it really annoy me if I don’t even know who they are, Cutest Couple?

I....have even less of an idea than you do, actually. Damn. Now I’m starting to wish I’d actually noticed anyone else in high school, but oh well, at least it’s almost over soon. But, you know, there’s another way to avoid being voted that, and that’s take an even hotter girl to prom with me - what about it, Girlcules? You want a lowkey “date” who won’t care if you don’t wear a dress and would be cool ditching early to go watch a tourney game or something? Because the future is all far off and unknown but like, prom doesn’t have to be unknown or weird or anything. It can just be chill. 

Gwen: Can’t, the VKs were telling me about the shadow man and it seemed cool. I wanna grow up to be just like him.

Gwen: You are SO screwed.

Gwen: Okay, then you can see if she’s into you too? Have you tried asking her on a date?

Gavin: ugh u mean u actually talk to fish-for-brains?

Gavin: lmao literally

Gavin: NO

Gavin: i mean, like, she isn't into me

Gavin: she's HER

Hey, monks all probably had sex at some point before they realized they were bad at it and decided to give it up forever to go worship your God. What if your queen dies? Then you’d be right back to running your kingdom on your own again, they should have a  little faith in you. So you’re scared of being responsible and not of finding a lady? Or like both? Either way, screw it; why do you have to become king before you’re like, 30? Are your parents elderly and gonna croak any day now or something?

You think monks give up sex because they’re bad at it? Is it even that possible to be bad at it? I feel blessed that I have no clue. Dude, no one dies early in Auradon - why would they? We’re, like, the safest healthiest people ever, but like, I dunno, I guess everyone knows I care about the crown a little less than a prince is supposed to so maybe the right queen could like make sure I run it. Responsibility is way scarier than girls - or girl, I should say, since once married you only get one. But, I don’t know, everyone gets crowned earlier rather than later. It’s, like, a thing.

So what, you’d rather people think you were a monk? I can go around spreading that rumor, FG’s been teaching us how to be helpful and that sounds like it fits the bill. Pressure of… what? Do you feel like you actually have to pick out a queen before you get a crown or something? Man, some of y’all’s Auradon traditions are whack.

Thanks, I think, but a little too late for that rumor to spread, honestly - you can’t undo a reputation and Beth and I have one. You don’t have to pick a queen before the crown but, like, it makes sense to people, I guess. Then you don’t have to run a kingdom all on your own, you’ve got like a lifetime buddy system with benefits thing going on and your parents can leave you alone. People usually wait till the kid’s responsible enough to take on a kingdom and here, that usually means having a wife too so the pressure is insane. Like, the prince of Atlantica, Jeremy? Total asswipe and somehow even he tricked a girl into being his forever queen. It’s ridic.

Gwen: I can see it now, Madam Gwen with her crytal ball, come one, come all, learn about your downfall.

Gwen: are they for who I think they're for?

Gwen: Because probably a good place to start is by not hooking up with her anymore :-p

Gavin: get that voodoo shit away from me :-P

Gavin: ...maybe :-P