SOCDEM Rants

Elon Musk

You should be. If you aren't, then I recommend googling them or playing Autumn Chen’s truly excellent Social Democracy: An Alternate History, but that isn't actually what this post is about. This post is about their merchandise. You know, for a nominally Socialist party, the SPD sure has a lot of interesting products you can buy from them. Anyone interested in, for example, the SPD Toaster?

[a red toaster with the letters SPD emblazoned in white. There is also bread, assumedly freshly toasted in the SPD toaster, which has also had SPD toasted onto it]

Not a toast kind of person? No problem! Social Democracy can bless your breakfast in other ways, like with the SPD Waffle Iron!

[a red suitcase-style waffle iron, with the letters SPD emblazoned on the top in white, within a thin white border. So too are there waffles, which by virtue of being toasted within the Socialist Waffle Iron have had SPD stamped onto them.]

Oh, you skip breakfast? Me too! I hear it’s unhealthy to do so, but it’s simply too much time to make a nice wholesome first meal. But because I skip breakfast, I need a snack later in the day to make up for it. And what better snack than the Official Sozialdemokratische Partei Deutschlands Fruit Snacks?

[It is a transparent red pack of fruit gummies. The gummies are in the shape of the letters SPD, and are also red]

You are now well on your way to concocting the ultimate SPD meal. But of course, you still need something to drink! And what better drink than brewing up a nice mug of Social Democratic Tea???

Yum yum! If you want to make it as it’s intended, use water from the Landwehr canal. The residual adventurism adds a nice sharp tang! But maybe you prefer a sweeter drink? Well, that‘s just fine! Simply pour in a packet of SPD brand raspberry flavour sparking water powder.

Apologies for the low image quality there. Anyway, their website tells me it makes a pleasant conversation starter! I‘m going to assume that‘s a result of my remarkably flawed German mistranslating something.

Now, let‘s say you’re on a date with someone special. You’ve invited them back to your home, you’ve both dined on SPD Toast and SPD Waffles, had a little dessert of SPD fruit snacks, (which can come in different flavours and have a special variant to order during Pride Month, by the way!) and you’ve brewed up a nice batch of sparkling raspberry SPD Tea, which you’ve served in your Ferdinand Lassalle and Marie Juchacz mugs.

Your Friedrich Ebert mug was in the wash, and your special acquaintance is an old-school Social Democrat, so they didn’t want to drink from the Helmut Schmidt mug. Now, obviously, after such a banquet, they want nothing more than to have sex with you. I know I sure would, and I’m asexual! However, safety is important in these matters. That’s why it’s so wonderful the Old Dame is here to back you up once again, with the Official Social Democratic Party of Germany condoms! Because why wouldn’t they exist?

Just make sure your SPD rubber ducky isn’t watching. Unless you’re into that.

Jewish family from Votkinsk, Udmurtia (Russia), 1948