Gallic Invasion

“The double agent for the patriarchy is basically just a woman who perhaps unknowingly is still putting the patriarchal narrative out into the world. Is still benefitting off, profiting off and selling a patriarchal narrative to other women. But it’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing. You know, just because you look like a woman, we trust you and we think you’re on our side, but you are selling us something that really doesn’t make us feel good. You’re selling us an ideal, a body shape, a problem with our wrinkles, a problem with ageing, a problem with gravity, a problem with any kind of body fat. You’re selling us self-consciousness. The same poison that made you clearly develop some sort of body dysmorphia or facial dysmorphia, you are now pouring back into the world. You’re like recycling hatred. I find that really dangerous and I think it’s unacceptable and I don’t care if you’re a woman. I think constructive criticism is needed for anyone to ever evolve. For our gender to evolve we need some sort of constructive criticism. As long as we do it in a somewhat careful way. (…) So many of the worst things in the world have happened motivated by greed. And I just don’t think that’s an acceptable excuse anymore. How much money do you need? Really how much money do you need? How much money do any of these huge influencers who are worth millions or billions sometimes… why are they still promoting appetite-suppressant lollipops to young girls? And it’s not a fight against obesity. They have young, already slim girls, in their adverts for Flat Tummy company, this company that are absolutely everywhere, and they’re even being advertised in some of the most mainstream magazines, women’s magazines, and they have a billboard in Times Square. The money is built on the blood and tears of young women who believe in them, who follow them, who look up to them like the big sister they never had. It’s so upsetting and it feels like such a betrayal against women.”

OKAY SO I had a coworker who was otherwise a standard clueless Straight White Guy, but this dude loved his wife and he knew her real good. And his wife LOVES shitty grocery store icing. So the first thing she’d always do with any cake is shove her fingers into the corner and scoop off whatever abomination of a flower was on there and eat it off her fingers. SO THIS DUDE GOES TO THE STORE AND HAS THEM MAKE A WHOLE CAKE OUT OF FROSTING Brings it home to his wife for her birthday She shoves her fingers into it and then they just keep going FROSTING ALL THE WAY DOWN He said the look on her face was the best thing he’d ever seen in his life It gives me hope that even a clueless Straight White Guy knew and loved his wife enough to give her the perfect birthday present cake frosting abomination

Oh man, there’s an entire section in here on how to help someone being abused and it’s just so good. Please pick up a copy of this book and read at least that section. 

Quick Run Down:

“Your goal is to be the complete opposite of what the abuser is.”

Abusers pressure. So don’t pressure her into leaving, standing up to him, calling the police, etc.

Abusers talk down. So talk to her as an equal without any condescension.

Abusers think they know best. So remember that she’s an expert on her own life and needs.

Abusers dominate conversations. So listen more, talk less.

Abusers feel entitled to control. So respect her right to make decisions and stick with her even if you disagree with those choices.

Abusers think they know best re: children. So remember that she is a competent and loving mother who knows the full context of the decisions she must make.

Abusers think for their victims. So think with her. You’re not her hero, you’re a team mate.

Because empowerment and recovery for an abused woman can be a long process, people who want to be there for her tend to go through periods when their patience wears thin. They are tempted to aim their frustration at the woman herself, saying, “Well, if you put such a low value on yourself as to choose to be abused, I can’t keep hanging around, ” or “If you care about him more than you care about your children, you’re as sick as he is.” I understand why you feel irritated, but it doesn’t make sense to put her down. The message you send with such an outburst is that you think she is causing herself to be abused, which is just what the abuser is telling her. And the last thing you want to do is support his message.

Bancroft also reminds the reader that you shouldn’t measure your success in helping her by whether or not she leaves her partner, but rather by “how well you have respected the woman’s right to run her own life—which the abusive man does not do—and how well you have helped her to think of strategies to increase her safety.”

Also…

When people try to tell you that women are just as abusive as men, show them this excerpt.

p. 45 Bancroft, Lundy. Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. New York: Berkley, 2003. 45

Several months into her employment, I met up with her at a restaurant and the first thing she did was excuse herself to the bathroom to clean all her work makeup off. Her work look was really nice, so I was surprised and asked her why.

Wearily, she said she realized that wearing full makeup every day was making her hate her normal face. She was seeing her natural face so rarely that when she did it looked puffy and splotchy and wrong to her. She hated this feeling, and was trying to combat her crumbling self esteem by removing her makeup right away after work.

She was sick. She was traumatized and she was threatened by all the powers of that patriarchal state who controlled her basic existence. After all that, she repented what she was forced to do.