Whispers&Soliloquy

“Sit very quietly; do not force yourself to sit quietly, but sit or lie down quietly without force of any kind. Then watch your thinking. Watch what you are thinking about. Follow your thoughts and enquire why each thought arises. Do not try to change your thinking. See why certain thoughts arise in your mind so that you begin to understand the meaning of every thought and feeling without any enforcement. Just watch.”

The Biggest Difference Between True Love And The Love You're Used To

‘Have you ever been naked?’, she asked while facing the ceiling.
‘I’m naked right now.’ He said with amusement in his voice. 
‘I don’t mean this kind of nakedness. I mean, have you ever stripped down in front of someone emotionally? Have you ever felt like regardless of how thick your sweater was, how thick your jacket was, you were still barely dressed in someone’s presence? Have you ever had the feeling that someone could look through your clothes straight into your soul? Because they’ve seen your most vulnerable part? They’ve seen you breaking down and crying tears you didn’t know existed? How you begged for forgiveness for what only God knows for? Have you ever lost your composure, your masque once before in front of someone?’ 
‘I don’t know. Maybe once.’, he said while looking at her in confusion. 
‘I have countless times. And the sad thing is, I love to wear something. I love to cover myself behind masks and fake smiles. It gives me the feeling of safety. But you know, once you stripped down you can’t just put your clothes on again. You can’t just put your clothes on and pretend you were never naked. Because now they know too much about you.’
‘But don’t we want to lose our masks? Isn’t this one of the reasons why we love? Because we can fall knowing that someone will catch us regardless our burdens?’
'Maybe’, she said with a weak smile. ‘But I love control. I love to have control over myself and whenever I strip down, I’m losing it, I’m giving it into someone else’s hands. And I don’t want this to happen. I don’t want them to have me naked desiring their love and affection.’ ‘And what do you do when this happens to you?’ 
She turned her head to face him.
'I leave. I leave the once that saw me naked.’ 
'And how many lovers have you left already?’ He said insecure about his question.
'I don’t know. I don’t count. Sometimes when I close my eyes I see their faces but they’re gone the second I open them again’ 
'Will I be also just a face you blink away?’ He whispered while pulling her against his chest as if he could prevent her of leaving him by doing so. 
'No.’ She said while kissing his chest.
'Why?’ He said barely unhearable.
'Because I told you this. And I told this no one before.’

I want you. All of you. I want to see what stars you hold inside of you. Which ones make you feel alive and which ones make you feel lost. I want to see you in your happiest moments where sunlight dances in your eyes and your smile radiates through my entire being and I realise there’s nothing else I want to look at for the rest of my life. I want to see you looking up at the sky, sighing happily because life couldn’t be more beautiful and I’ll be there to tell you that nothing could be as beautiful as you are. I want you and me on the open road in my beaten up car, singing along to the songs that we heard when we first met and the wind blowing through our hair. I want to wake up to you under foreign skies where nothing feels right but you. Not only that, I want to see you in your darkest moments. I want to see you grip your misty morning coffee with dread for the upcoming day; I want to see you in your vulnerable moments like when you shower for too long, desperately trying to convince yourself it’s going to be okay. So I can be there to place a gentle kiss on your forehead as if to say “baby, it’s all going to be okay because I’m here for you.” I’ll light up some cherry candles because I know they’re your favourite, put warm pjs on your pillow ready for you and tuck you into my warm arms until the morning sun makes you feel alive again. You’re everything to me and god, I promise that I’ll never let you forget that. I’m going to love you hard like it’s the only thing I know how to do. Baby, it’s you and me. Just you and me.

160727.

I have this dream where I am not afraid to hold your hand in Texas. This dream where I don’t have a visceral reaction to seeing gay pride flags. This dream where I can invite you home for Christmas dinner and my mother is so kind to you. And she asks where you went to school and she doesn’t choke on your gender identity and she pulls me aside later to tell me how sweet you are. I have this dream where people on the internet stop changing the pronouns in my poetry. I have this dream where I know exactly what to say when my southern baptist relatives ask if I’m dating someone. I have this dream where I don’t have to keep coming out over and over. Where people don’t think my sexuality is a phase unless I can produce a girlfriend on command. Where people stop asking me who fucks better: men or women. Like those are the only options. Like the answer wouldn’t be a gross generalization. I have this dream where people aren’t always waiting to say, “maybe you haven’t found the right guy.” Where I don’t imagine them jumping out from behind doors and bushes and shower curtains to say, “I hope you get over this in time to have children of your own.” Where my friends don’t say “faggot” in front of me and then apologize. Where I don’t say, “it’s okay.” Where we don’t repeat this until it’s stuck under my skin. I have this dream where I can tell my parents that you and I are thinking about moving in together. I have this dream where all of my queer representation isn’t murdered on tv. I have this dream where my queer friends aren’t murdered on the news. I have this dream where I feel safe. In rural Kansas. At my grandparents’ house. In a gay bar. At Pride. I have this dream where I only write you love poems and none of them have to say, “I’m so glad we’re alive.”

My grandmother once told me, ‘Relationships are work, honey, and they aren’t 50/50. Some days when I get up I only feel like giving 10%, then your granddaddy has to give 90% that day. But there is always 100% love.’

Light thinks it travels faster than anything, but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.