love and light

Ember: I'm on an unstoppable online shopping spree and was wondering if you would want anything! I think you'd really rock a fedora. You're maybe the ONLY person who could.

Wendy: Oh good! I was afraid you were entangled with Lilith and that I was interrupting. It IS about that, yes. But no, he was very respectful and very kind! I just didn't know

Wendy: Why didn't you tell me he was a demon???

Wendy: Hey Gabe? If you're not busy, can we please talk about something???? It's kind of serious.

Lilith: [https://64.media.tumblr.com/839d9c456d65b616424f9fdacb1b3946/42fe699ead7a5557-99/s1280x1920/16e3f550b74a87ff32371e32edc7afb2bf8c037a.jpg]

Lilith: Hello, beautiful boy. Just a little picture to say I miss you 😇

Cornelius: THANK YOU, I appreciate it, but for future reference, if I'm well enough to text you, I'm well enough that you don't have to be concerned!

Cornelius: Wow! Wow, wow, wow. I don't even know where to begin with that. I can honestly say I never thought this would happen in a million yeras. Are you even allowed to be "exclusive partners" with a girl like her?

Gabe: Alright, I'll be sure to keep that in mind probably!

Cornelius: Okay, well, it's actually probably a MonsterHole dug by some mischevious goblin or what have you, but yes! And I'm fine, I can heal from anything. Stop avoiding the question! Is Lilith D'Ablo for serious your *girlfriend*?!

Gabe: Okay good! I wasn't avoiding the question! I was just being a concerned citizen worried about the safety of his best friend! You're WELCOME by the way!

Cornelius: I fell into a manhole last night when I realized your profile picture has changed. So, it's serious?????

Lilith: Is that emoji a good or bad thing? I've never used it or received it before.

Lilith: In that case, I want to defenestrate goodness and graciousness even more than usual, as I have a hunch that you giving into temptation would be the ride of my life, but as your girl-who-kisses-and-dates-you-and-likes-you-and-respects-you, I respect your boundaries, which is why I want to know them before any situation arises where I might accidentally overstep them. "Some" is defined as "an unspecified amount or number of", that doesn't tell me much, Gabriel! My wearing everything but underwear or my wearing just a bra would *both* qualify as "some"! I'm glad to hear about the photographs and will come up with images specifically designed to get you off post-haste. As for the handjobs and the blowjobs, we can reevaulate when we get there, but honestly, I hope we get there sooner rather than later. The idea of getting to look you in the eyes while taking you in my mouth is doing something to me.

Lilith: I'm still trying to wrap my mind around being able to TELL you how much I want you, for your mind and your heart AND your body, so I definitely relate. I'm glad you agree this conversation is important and I'm very grateful for your honesty. I'd be even more grateful if you gave me some verbal reassurance right now that you want me that way too. I know that likely feels redundant but I put myself in a vulnerable position messaging all these things and I'd appreciate some positive reinforcement.

Gabe: A VERY GOOD emoji. It's the best emoji I've got to demonstrate how SHOOK you've got me rn.

Gabe: Akdfdkj, I bet it would too but...I think I can handle not giving in. You know what's shorter and easier to type than "girl-who-kisses-and-dates-you-and-likes-you-and-respects-you"? Girlfriend. I don't know if I'm supposed to wait until we actually go out or what but Can you just be my girlfriend now rather than the girl-who-kisses-and-dates-me-and-likes-me-and-respects-me? I think specifically talking about ACTUALLY having sex, should be a line for right now? I really like you and want that with you someday, but I don't like feeling like I'm rejecting you, y'know? Really? You'd send me nudes already? 😮 I would love that. Do you want any from me? And okfijhugytf I don't even have words for that one. All the blood in my head has travelled down south, if you know what I mean.

Wendy: Really? YAY! Would it be wrong of me to not tell you that I actually don't really need any help with any school subjects but just wanted an excuse to hang out with you one on one?

[ sometime later ]

Wendy: Hi! Sorry to double text but I just wanted to ask where you'd like to go for the not-study date? I know a great vegan place that has live music and I think you'd really like it!

Lilith: Good boy.

Lilith: What does goodness or graciousness have anything to do with this? And okay, noted. Follow-up question to your answer, how many clothes would have to be on to qualify? Would we both need to have *some* clothes on, or does only one of us need clothes? And does clothes-on only activities mean pictures without clothes on are off the table as well? What about blowjobs or handjobs?

Lilith: Let me know if I start asking too many questions, I don't want to overwhelm you. I'm just worried if I don't ask them now, I'll gain some sense and become too self-conscious about letting you know how badly I want you.

Gabe: 🥴

Gabe: It is giving me the strength to not give into intense temptation right now, that's for sure. Uhhhh I think for... riding both of us should stay dressed in SOME clothes. Pictures without clothes are definitely on the table. Handjobs and blowjobs should be pretty okay too? Maybe, I'm not sure.

Lilith: Don't be annoying 😘 or else.

Lilith: You don't have to apologize for that. But really? Nothing at all? So even if a particular tiny angry blonde future lawyer specifically requested the right to ride you, the answer would be a no?

Gabe: I am trying so hard

Lilith: Don't make a big deal of this message but I was wondering what your typical speed for rounding the bases physically in relationships is. I enjoyed kissing you and I am looking forward to doing it again but I am curious about when my lips could touch other parts of you.

Gabe: 🥴 resisting the urge to make a big deal out of this.

Did you really not know this whole time? I was convinced you did and that every time you called me a dumb nickname or said I was obsessed with you that you were making fun of my unrequited feelings for you which should have been annoying enough to make me stop liking you but it didn’t. If anything, it just gave me butterflies which is the most irritating thing of all. That’s the difference between me and you, Gabriel; I don’t have faith. And not because of you or us or me, but just because I don’t have faith at all. I don’t believe in believing, I believe in working too hard and overcompensating, not closing my eyes and holding your hand and jumping off a mountain together waiting for love to keep us safe or whatever. And after all, didn’t I just give you the upperhand by telling you I have feelings for you? I had told myself I was going to carry that secret forever and repress it as hard as I could and then it just took one annoyingly adorable earnest conversation with you to make me break that promise to myself. That’s how I always imagined exploring this too, by the way. You’ve reeked of the Only One potential since the first day and it’s only gotten worse and worse every day that I’ve known you, but just because we both feel that way doesn’t mean this is going to work out. How would we even start?

Of course not! Even if I hadn’t been pining for you this entire time, I never would have mocked you for that. I thought I had unrequited feelings for you, that I had I may or may not have been trying to trick you into feeling back. If I had known it was actually giving you butterflies, I don’t even know I’d probably be trying to get you to marry me by now or something. But I do know THAT. I have faith enough for both of us that we will work this out. Like I do really think love WILL keep us safe and save the day and every wildly optimistic idea that probably makes you want to throw up, but you’re realistic enough to actually figure out how to keep our feet on the ground. You accidentally telling me you have feelings for me and then trying to take it back is hardly giving me the upperhand, you just liiiike me and know this could be the best thing that’s ever happened to us and it’s STILL not as important to you as much as being the best in school is. I have? Oh my...Okay so my brain has fully vacated my body now but I feel like the best way for us to start would be by me resisting the urge to run and find you right this minute and kiss you as much as I can, then wait until my brain is somewhat normal again and then I’ll ask you out to go get coffee or something short enough that you won’t feel like I’m depriving you of your precious study time and we’ll just go from there!

No, nope, no, I do not already have longstanding feelings for you that started the day I met you and that haven’t gone away despite my best efforts, and I don’t know where you read that but it was fake news. And see, now I’m gaslighting you, which everyone knows is poison to relationships! This is a bad idea already! I never should’ve told you, and I should have just let you woo me just to cut you off before it went anywhere serious because that would be easier than trying to figure this out! For one, I’m fairly certain it’s not allowed, or at least, not in the way I always imagined exploring this… whatever we have. For another, just liking each other is different than dating, so we have no way of knowing if it’ll impact us differently in our academic lives! I don’t think I’ll change either, or at least I hope I won’t, because I really like who I am, but so many people change just because the guy they’ve been fantasizing about for years finally notices them and what if deep down, I was always that weak person and we just didn’t know it? And what if we don’t learn how to be good partners together? I don’t want to try this just to fuck around. I’m not even sure I want to try it at all but if I do, it’s for the long haul, Gabriel, not for some “you’re cute and fun and I’ll always be happy you were my first but not my last” bullshit.

THE DAY WE MET? We’ve both been into each other SINCE WE MET and it took this long for you to give any indication that I wasn’t just flirting in vain!? As good as you are at HIDING YOUR FEELINGS FOR ME, you’re not that good at gaslighting me, so who cares. This is a great Idea and I get that you’re talking yourself out of this because you’re scared, but quit it. I know figuring out what this is will be kind of rough and not at all what you want to do, but I have faith that this will all work out for us in the end. How have you always imagined exploring this??? I don’t study already, so it’s not like me spending my time on you you would ruin my GPA and I know you wouldn’t just let me have the upper hand. Also it is literally impossible for you to secretly be weak, so I’m not even going to entertain that notion because it’s stupid. I don’t want this to be just a mess around thing either. The way I see it, the only reason we won’t learn to be good partners together is because we’ll just fall into being great together naturally. I think we really have the potential to be something amazing. Definitely not some short little “first but not the last” thing, the way I see it, you just might be the Only One. 

Don’t you get it, Gabriel? I have no idea what kind of nickname I’d actually like! No one’s before you has ever tried to give me one before, especially not to be cute. That’s why I can’t believe you’re not making fun of me. It’s actually easier to believe this is a prank or a long con than to think that the guy I like likes me back, because if the guy that I like likes me back, what the fuck am I supposed to do then? It’s the only situation in regards to having the biggest crush on you for the longest time that leads me down a road I don’t have prepared answers for, and I hate being unprepared. I mean, seriously, what would dating for us even mean? Would we stop competing over grades and other school things? Would we lose our edge? I already think about you way too often and what if being an “item” makes that worse and I can’t think about anything but you and I stop being a powerful woman and you stop liking me? What then, Gabriel?! Or worse, what if we try and I’m bad at dating? I’ve never been bad at anything before and dating isn’t just something you can study up on!

Wait hold up? You like me back already? Lilith! How long have you already liked me? What! This whole time I thought I would have to work so hard to woo you now that you seem to be taking me liking you seriously and YOU LIKE ME ALREADY? So if you’re worried about being unprepared at least we’re on the same boat! But okay let me try and tackle this question by question? I don’t know what dating for us would mean, honestly I’m not even 100% sure it’s even allowed. I haven’t started letting you win the entire time I’ve liked you and you like me too and sure haven’t made it easier on me to beat you for however long that’s been, so I want to say that’s a good indicator that we won’t stop competing or lose our edge. If you somehow turn into another person, yes I probably will stop liking you but I cannot emphasize enough how little I believe that’ll be a possibility. I’ve never dated anyone before either. So if you’re bad at it, it’s not like I’m going to know. We’ll just learn how to be good partners together!

Of course I say that! What am I supposed to say, “Gabriel, it’s actually quite cute when you call me ‘Baby Girl’ even though the implication of that is that you’re my father and that whole dynamic is gross and founded in the patriarchy”? I’d hate myself for saying that and I’d hate you for calling me it, whether I actually like that cursed nickname or not. And okay, I can’t deny you find me attractive. You have eyes, after all. But why would you want to date someone you describe as terrifying? Wouldn’t it make more sense to ask for some sort of hookup scenario from me? Why a date? Or many, for that matter?

Well no. you could’ve kept that one to yourself and given me some kind of clue towards what nicknames you do actually like. Because you being terrifying is powerful and when you use it on stuff that isn’t me, it’s really amazing to see and it’s just as attractive to me as your body is. I don’t just want to sleep with you, partially because I don’t do the whole hooking up thing, but mostly because I legitimately just want to spend more time with you that isn’t us competing over grades and other school things. You’re a cool girl, Lilith, why is it so hard for you to believe that I’m not playing a prank or don’t just want to sleep with you?

Ironic that nicknames are also a common symptom of bullying, particularly if the nicknamee has told you time and time again how gross “Lilz” sounds. Some of the other names you’ve called me aren’t too bad – and no, I won’t elaborate on which – but Lilz is digusting. If this is an example of your slick flirt game, I’m sorry to have to be the one to tell you that it needs work. I’m not stupid, Gabriel, I’ve heard and remember everything you’ve ever said to me; I simply choose to ignore the would-be romantic and/or sexual implications of what you say, because it could all just be a long con to embarrass me by getting me to agree to a date with you when you have no intention on dating me in the first place. 

I guess, but I’m not bullying you! And you say you hate literally everything I say, so I was just going with the shortest nickname for you. Is it Baby girl? I knew you secretly liked it when I called you that. I’ll swap that out with Lilz ASAP. It’s got you actually discussing this with me, so I think it’s doing exactly what I want it to do. It’s NOT a long con to embarrass you! I am very attracted to you, I think you’re a remarkably brilliant and terrifying woman and I want to go on many many dates with you for real.