Funny Lines from Fics

On this account I post funny lines from AO3 fics that my friends or I have read. Please feel free to submit your own!

Sources of the quotes are at the end of the post with the fic and author name and then linked in the source. If you are submitting a quote and know it, please include the source (name of fic and author or link) and the fandom that it comes from.

Also, if you are one of the authors and want a quote to be taken down or cited differently, please let me know.

“Leave it like—” Wei Ying gestures at his body, still exposed to the air, and Lan Zhan feels the pressing urge to dunk his head into the sink, or die. Death also sounds acceptable. “Or leave it, like, I can wear your clothes?”

Clothes. 

Plural. 

Farewell, Brother.

He makes a note to write his will and plan out his funeral before he takes a deep, bracing breath. “Yes,” he says, meeting Wei Ying’s gaze. “I do not mind if you wear my clothes.”

One day, Lan Wangji is going to commit a murder. He’s just going to push Wei Ying right out of the window, and no jury in the world will convict him for it.

“Yes,” he says tightly, instead of, please stop waterboarding me, emotionally.

“Pike, are you…? What is the word? Captured? Like in movies with guns and explosions? Is this hostage situation?”

“No, Rozanov, it’s not a fucking hostage situation,” Pike snaps. “And if it were, you would be the absolute last person I would call for help. I need you to know that.” 

Ilya rolls his eyes. “I would say ‘blink twice if you are in danger’, but considering I cannot see your face and also I hate you, I guess it does not matter so much. Would probably be good character build for you anyway.”

“For Shane’s sake, I’m going to ignore everything you just said.” 

(It had not worked.)

He says it again now, to the empty apartment, trying the memory on in a different voice.

"Hollander."

Nothing.

Yes. Excellent. Very healing.

He falls in love exactly once in his life and it is with the most emotionally constipated man, who reacts to hearing his own first name during a mutual hand job like he has just been called to deathrow.

Wonderful. Perfect. Very fair.

He should call someone. He absolutely cannot call anyone.

What would he even say? Hello, Sveta, terrible news, I have accidentally become a character in a drama miniseries. Hello, Marleau, I regret to inform you that I have developed a rich inner life and it is ruining everything.

No. Better to die quietly.

“Jiang Cheng doesn’t hate him,” Sizhui tells him, clearly trying to cut this discussion off at the pass.

“No, Jingyi’s right, I hate him,” says Jiang Cheng. “He sucks.”

Kaz shrugged. “You owe me four hundred dollars, your entire vinyl collection, and your first-born child, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to get them,” he shot back, before returning to whatever he’d been doing on his laptop.

The tips of Ilya’s ears go red. “Ah, yes,” he says. “I was hoping you would notice eventually.”

Shane resigns himself to what is probably predetermined fate written in the stars for them, and chucks a throw pillow at him.

Mickey spared him a glance. “You’re still not invited to this conversation, so either learn to shut up or fucking leave.” Without giving him a chance to respond, Mickey turned to address Ian, very much aware that they were holding hands.

Turning his head to stare pointedly across the lake instead of at his half-naked highschool-crush-slash-criminal-associate-slash-reluctant-fiancé, Lan Wangji nonetheless holds his arms out to receive the discarded garments like a concerned-yet-aroused clotheshorse.

Wylan arched an eyebrow. “I fail to see how that is our problem.”