Screaming into a void (sometimes it screams back)

Shane will always know that there were lots of other closeted MLH players struggling with internalized homophobia who didn't resort to the tactics that Troy did. those players include Shane himself, who is gay AND a person of colour, and Shane's husband, whose literal life would have been in danger in Russia if he were outed. so Shane will never ever sympathize with Troy. he might understand why Troy did what he did, but that will never excuse it.

and Troy. Troy just has to live with that. like a lot of us, Troy has to accept that self-hatred and internalized homophobia don't excuse being bigoted and hateful towards others. the hurt you caused them is not negated by the fact that you were hurting, too. and part of growing as a person and trying to be better is learning to live with the guilt, shame and regret. you don't get to make yourself feel better by being absolved. you can try to be better going forward. you can try to spend the rest of your life doing more good than the harm you did in your past. you can try to forgive yourself. but you can't erase it.

they definitely did not have the same experience, of course, and especially the facts that troy got his perfect coming out while shane got punished + the racism shane probably was confronted with by troy are unique for shane. ryan on the other hand experienced mobbing and downright emotional abuse.

but they both share the fact experience of having to watch troy being absolved for all the shit he did and yes they see that troy changed for the better, that he wants to make a difference, he apologizes he wants to make amends, he takes responsibility (even tho there is still a lot of room for processing all the shit he did just saying) and that is all great.

But once Troy joins the centaurs and becomes Ilya’s friend and then has then has the audacity to come out? As if that erases everything he’s done? Watching people accept and forgive him when Shane was the one taking the brunt of Troy’s treatment? Watching Troy come out at a pride night and celebrate with his team and fall in love when Shane has put himself (and Ilya) through hell remaining in the closet for nearly a decade because of the pieces of shit like Troy? Is still actively going through that hell?

And then when Troy actually becomes best friends with Ilya and Shane joins the team and Shane is expected to be friendly with him? Oh he is fuming. He does not give a fuck that Troy is a better person now and it was his own fears/internalized homophobia making him behave that way. Shane was gay and in an actively hostile environment and you know how often he said slurs in his career? Never. Ilya is in a closeted relationship and from a country where homosexuality is criminalized and you know how often he said slurs? Never. Same with Scott Hunter. The fact Troy was gay the whole time makes it feel like a betrayal. Troy knew what it was like to be othered, and that didn’t stop him.

Shane is so tired of having to bear these responsibilities he never asked for. He’s so tired of taking the blame for his own pain. He’s tired of being the Asian role model who doesn’t get to get angry. Who has to grin and bear it. He never had the option to behave like Troy, so all his internalized homophobia was only ever pointed inward. Troy took the easy way out and he still got the happy ending Shane fought tooth and nail for. It’s not fair.

And now Shane is finally out. He’s finally on a team with his husband with players who support him. But fucking Troy Barrett is there. And he just has to grin and bear it.

on the front is ilya lounging on a sunbed, fruity drink in one hand, a cigarette in the other (luca notices that its unlit), with a rediculously big hat, dark sunglasses and a hawaiian shirt on and a grey-around-her-snout anya cuddled right beside him

Kaori is a fairytale. Can’t believe we were all so blessed to watch her. She’s more than this sport deserved.