I Hate My Life

zoloft

You know you're getting bad again when even sleep and music don't help and you feel sick all the time and you just want to disappear.

Being on bipolar medication is wild because you become so much more aware of how addicted you are to depressive and hypo/manic episodes. I'm in and out of a not great place recently and I can FEEL the pull of temptation for a depressive episode. It'd be so easy to fall back into spiraling and wallowing in the familiarity of despair. But I'm able to choose not to entertain that craving. It's still so hard to break the habit, but there's a comfort in bipolar episodes and how uncomfortable they are. I don't know if that makes sense...I'm just so not used to or equipped for dealing with the Okay. Ok isn't a super familiar thing, so I panic and want desperately to self destruct, but I can fight against those urges now. I don't know. I don't want to want a depressive episode. But without my meds I'd be in one right now for sure, and it feels weird that I'm not. I've been on mood stabilizers for...2 years maybe? But sometimes stuff like this happens and it just seems so much easier and more comforting to regress. But I wont.

On a personal note; having Bipolar Type 2 is mad whack. Last night I was laying on the living room couch watching videos on my phone just having a good time, I even gave my mood a pretty solid 8.5/10 and literally out of nowhere it was like I ran outta dopamine and my mood plummeted in the matter of seconds. No triggers, no warnings, not even sad just like a negative void emerged within my brain out of absolutely nowhere. My mood was down to a 2/10 for no reason. Now here I am the morning of the next day and I feel unable to move or get out of bed. I know I have to work, I know there's people who rely on me, but I would rather not exist today.