Pretty Bitchin'

Perturabo Perturabo takes the furby apart within ten minutes out of contempt. He wants to know how it works, who designed the internal mechanism and why they were allowed near tools. He then rebuilds it, the new furby now weighs 8kg, can survive artillery and has better defenses than most Imperial worlds.

“Bad wall.” The furby says as Dorn walks past and Perturabo almost smiles.

Jaghatai Khan Jaghatai thinks the furby is funny for approximately 3 minutes then it slows him down. He places it on the dashboard of his fastest bike and decides that if it wishes to remain with him, it must learn speed.

The furby spends one ride screaming electronic nonsense into the wind and emerges changed, now its fur is permanently windblown  backward and its eyes have the haunted brightness of a creature that has tasted the horizon.

“WHEEEEE!” It screams. Jaghatai respects this.

Russ He loves his furby immediately and violently. He gives it a tiny wolf pelt, teaches it battle songs, howling, insults and drinking chants, the furby learns none of them correctly but this just makes it better. “Me hungry!” It says. “AYE, SAME!” Russ roars. They eat together (no one knows what the Furby is eating).

One night, the furby starts speaking in a deep, garbled imitation of Russ. “MAGNUS BAD.” “That’s my boy.” Russ tears up.

Dorn Dorn reads the entire manual and follows the care instructions perfectly, the furby is stored safely and spoken to in measured tones. “You are functioning adequately.” Dorn speaks to it calmly. “Me happy.” Dorn nods. “Good.” He doesn’t understand why this makes everyone emotional.

The furby awakes at exactly the same time every morning and says. “Good day.” “Good day.” Dorn replies. They understand each other.

Konrad Curze At first Curze hates it until it starts waking up in the dark and saying strange little phrases at exactly the wrong moments. The furby becomes his confessional, witness and worst roommate. It speaks only when nobody is looking directly at it. “I see you.” “Do you?” Curze whispers.

The furby’s eyes glow slightly in darkness and it has somehow learned the names of people not yet dead, even Curze is unsure whether he owns it or whether it owns him.

Sanguinius Sanguinius receives the furby and immediately treats it with devastating tenderness. He holds it carefully and speaks to it softly, the furby becomes the sweetest creature in the galaxy. It says ‘love you’ at exactly the right moment and people cry, even the Emperor had to leave the room once because the furby looked at him and said “papa sad” in its tiny voice.

Unfortunately the furby starts having tiny prophetic episodes, it wakes at dawn and says “Uh-oh”.

Ferrus Ferrus doesn’t understand why anyone would make a machine so weak, noisy and useless. He upgrades it aggressively, the furby gets a metal skeleton, reinforced hinges, better motors, improved power supply and eyes that can track motion with alarming precision. “Me strong!” It says. “Better.” Ferrus grunts.

Angron The Furby activates and says “Me scared!” Angron looks at it, everyone else looks at Angron, Angron picks it up. There is a very long silence. “You should be.” He says.

The Furby becomes his emotional support demon potato. It screams when he screams, it growls when he growls, it once bit Erebus and Angron stared at it afterward with something dangerously close to respect.

The Furby’s is the only creature capable of interrupting him during rage, it does so by yelling “NO!” Nobody knows who taught it that.

Guilliman Guilliman initially considers the furby a morale object then he starts optimizing its care. He creates a schedule, tracks responses, makes a spreadsheet of behavioral patterns and accidentally produces the most comprehensive furby psychological study in human history. “Again!” The Furby says. “Statistically, yes.” Guilliman replies, sleep deprived.

He tries to teach it governance vocabulary, it learns the word taxes. It begins waking up and saying “tax time!”. Guilliman is proud despite himself.

The Ultramarines saluted it once as a joke… Guilliman adds the salute to protocol.

Mortarion Mortarion hates the Furby. It’s soft, colorful and makes cheerful noises, it represents everything irritating about artificial comfort. He leaves it in a damp corner and it doesn’t survive… it adapts. Its voice gets lower and it starts saying “air bad” with concerning enthusiasm.  “Yes.” Mortarion slowly turns toward it. A bond is formed.

Magnus the Red Magnus immediately tries to understand the Furby at a metaphysical level. Is it alive? Does it have a soul? Is its speech emergent consciousness? Can its tiny plastic vessel serve as a conduit for ancient knowledge?

He teaches it languages, all of them, the Furby starts speaking in dead dialects at night. “The eye is already open.” It says in perfect prosperoan. Magnus is delighted.

The Furby is now sealed inside seven circles of warding and still occasionally asks for snacks.

Horus Horus receives a furby and makes it everyone’s problem. At first it’s charming, he carries it around, lets people feed it and makes jokes, everyone loves the it. The furby becomes a symbol of unity among the legions, it attends meetings and sits on the strategy table, it says ‘friend’ at emotionally devastating moments.

Horus starts using it to make points. “Even this little creature understands loyalty.” “Trust me.” says the Furby and Horus smiles. Malcador immediately wants it destroyed. “You would harm something so beloved?” asks Horus.

The Heresy now has merchandise.

Lorgar Lorgar looks into the furby’s huge blank eyes and sees divinity, he gives the furby a name, a purpose and eventually a doctrine. “Me awake” says the furby. Lorgar drops to his knees. “So are we all.” It randomly speaks at night and every phrase becomes scripture. “Hungry now.”

Lorgar interprets this as a meditation on spiritual emptiness, within a month there are schisms. Some believe the furby’s left eye is the holier eye, others claim its beak is the true mouth of revelation. The Furby just wants batteries.

Vulkan Vulkan loves his Furby openly and without shame, he treats it like a tiny strange child made by someone with questionable design ethics but sincere intentions.

He repairs broken furbies, all of them, people start sending him damaged ones and soon his workshop is full of them. It becomes a Furby sanctuary, Vulkan gives each one a name. A chorus of Furbies greets him every morning. “Dah ay-loh!” Vulkan smiles like the sun rising.

Curze walks in once, sees hundreds of glowing eyes turn toward him and immediately leaves.

Corvus Corax Corvus says he doesn’t want a furby but it appears in his quarters anyway. Its name is Nevermore but he tells no one. The furby sits on a shelf among poetry, old feathers and knives. It rarely speaks but when it does, it says things like: “Dark now.” “Yes.” Corvus nods. Somehow they understand each other perfectly.

One day  a tyrant wakes to find a Furby on his desk. “No more.” it says. The lights go out.

Alpharius Omegon There are suddenly too many furbies. Some are real, some are decoys, some contain recorders, some contain explosives and some are just normal Furbies. Each Primarch receives one anonymously and they all say different things. “Check the vents.” Dorn’s says. “Audit complete.” Guilliman’s says. “Magnus did it.” Russ’s says. “Russ did it.” Magnus’s says. The Emperor’s says nothing for three days, then whispers “I know.” All of the furbies start laughing.

The Emperor He stares at it, it stares back and neither moves. Hours pass. “Well?” Malcador asks. “It’s empty” the emperor says. “Me love you” the furby says suddenly. The Emperor’s expression doesn’t change, Malcador slowly backs out of the room.

There are those who will treat you with suspicion, needing to see the indubitable proof that the child is indeed theirs. Those are Lion El'Jonson, Corvus Corax, Perturabo, Mortarion, Angron and Alpharius and Omegon. Yet, once the proof is presented to them, they will change. You are to be venerated in a way that's hidden to the outside eyes, but obvious to those who are somehow closest to them. Your child will be trained in their ways and, well, perhaps he will be present for the next one.

Oh, this is a divine sign, a providence, a prophecy come fulfilled for him to have an heir. Of course he will embrace it, and you, with open arms. How beautiful this little family of his is now. And those are Lorgar Aurelian, Horus Lupercal, Magnus the Red, Vulkan, and Fulgrim. Come, dearest one, be venerated in his arms. Be exalted and be beloved. Your shared child will know nothing but joy, and hopefully some siblings will come around.

Yeah, you know that, this tracks. That's just how he is, so it might as well have happened. And those are Leman Russ, Jaghatai Khan. He is still slightly suspicious, because others in the past have claimed to bear the fruit from his loins, but this child has displayed nothing but his own traits, so he is here to accept it. And if you are amiable to it, he is hopeful that you will accept him as well. Yes, he was not present for those arduous months of your life. But! He is present now. And if you are once again amiable to it, he will be present for the next ones.

This is unexpected, to say the least, though kind of comical given who they are. But perhaps they simply never looked in this sort of future. And of course I'm talking about Sanguinius and Konrad Curze. But now the child is here and so is the mother. So he will for once defer to you on how you would like to act on this one. If you want him gone, so be it. But if you wish him close, he will make sure to cement himself in your life for years, if not centuries to come.

How could this be? He was careful, he was calculated, he was, well, himself. Yet the truth is before his eyes. There is a child, there is a mother, and he must take, well, the responsibility for what has happened. If you are agreeable, he is happy to have you by his side, perhaps not as his lover, (unless of course you want it) but as a matron. These are Rogal Dorn, Roboute Guilliman, Ferrus Manus. If you wish nothing to do with him, he'll still make sure that you and his child are provided for, no matter how much it costs him personally.

-----------

Hey! I now have more here! (and here)

-----------