supersonic

Grace and Stratt, characters that are in both works tied to each other, do a lot of terrible, fucked up things. Stratt decimates the ecosphere of Earth irreparably in her efforts to save humanity. She sacrifices three people to a one way suicide trip in exchange for the billions of people on earth who will remain.

Grace tells Stratt that these destructive ideas are sound and worth doing. Yes, if he didn't she would have some other scientist to do it. But she didn't have another one. She had Dr. Ryland Grace.

Grace is complicit. Grace has his hands painted just like Stratt. But only one of them ever really seems to get the ire of fans, and it's not Grace. And sure, as his boss Stratt is the one who holds the most blame. She is executing the plans. It's not grace hitting the button to destroy all life in the biggest desert on earth.

He's just the one telling her it will work.

He tags along, in denial of his position and importance, explaining to Stratt what centrifuges are and what molecules do in astrophage breeding and that yeah, putting three people in a dangerous coma and then shooting them into space to die for the rest of the world is really sad, and I wish it was different, but man, it really is the only way. Poor lil ole me, not important Dr Grace, forced to do boring paperwork all alone in a private office as the direct subordinate for the boss of the Save All Humanity Fuck Everything Else program, as important as tissue paper and unnoticed by all, surely. I'm just a little guy on a boat who likes saying stuff like 'golly' and eating microwave spaghetti who is also the lead astrophage researcher on earth and doing astronaut training at NASA for some reason. I don't like thinking about it, so I Simply Don't.

He likes to pretend. He likes not thinking about it.

The whole reason he's there at all is because he's disposable, initially. he internalizes this. He should think about it more. He Won't.

There's all kinds of stuff we can say about pre-canon Grace. Movie Grace says he was fired for writing his intentionally inflammatory paper, but the inciting issue is actually that he had a freakout on a peer while at work event, essentially. Book Grace says he wrote his paper as a way to piss everyone off and intentionally get himself blacklisted from publishing and his funding cut and removed from his position at university research out of frustration or burnout with his place in life.

Is it intentional self sabotage? Was he ganged up on by others in his field who disliked his theory? Was it a fit of emotion he should have controlled more that got out of hand? Fanon likes to lean towards this being outside forces working against him.

Me personally, I like to believe it was just him burning the bridges out of frustration even if he later regretted it. He says so in the books. And he's still upset about it, despite what he tells himself. He believes he is right and that everyone else is wrong. It's the same conviction that he uses to tell himself that he is unimportant.

So there he goes skipping along, doing paperwork, telling himself he's not that important despite the mountains of evidence literally all around him.

Then the other scientists die.

And then he's staring down the headlights of the petrova taskforce's absolute authority again and confronting how much he actually matters and he cannot deal with it.

In the book, he deflects, denies his ability, uses his schoolchildren as a shield (!!!) to stay on earth even if it means dooming EVERYTHING ALIVE- for thirty more years, maybe, starving to death on an apocalyptic iceball. Because the kids, you see. They need him to be strong. and then when called out on what a fucking selfish thing this is and how pathetic his justification is, he freaks the fuck out, screams at Stratt, and threatens to sabotage the mission if he's forced to go (!!!!!!).

In the movie, he tells her that he is a coward, a failure, and that all he is good for is as a teacher, despite everything he has accomplished so far. He insists he cannot do it, and then gets ready to leave. Like he has the authority to make that decision. Which he kind of did have up to this point...... so he knows he had that power all along. (and then he runs away.)

Maybe, if he had more time, he would have eventually come around and accepted his role. But they don't have time. So we will never know.

Fanon likes to........... not think about this side of him. the side that IS cowardly, and offputting, and willingly in denial. Because he IS aware of it. He is the narrator and he can tell that he's bullshitting himself when he says the kids need him to stick around on earth. He knows he is being unbelievably selfish but he still tries to choose the selfish and safer option for himself. He is scared and against a wall and at the mercy of the forces he helped direct for years and it SUCKS. Unsurprisingly, he doesn't deal with it well. And that makes him fun! It makes him so delightfully fun to chew on. He made a selfish choice when asked something impossible and then had to go anyway.

Grace is a silly little guy (grown ass man) who likes to do math and read about astronomy and who does not like to think about his life. Grace is afraid to connect with anyone on any level beyond the surface and deeply, painfully alone.

Because he is fundamentally a coward. He's afraid of feeling bad. Afraid of loss. Afraid of rejection, and also. Afraid of dying in space. (valid.)

This isn't to minimize his life or his fears: he DOES love teaching. He just uses it as a crutch. He's funny, and beloved! He just chooses to keep people at an arms distance, and then when he wants to connect he's rusty and shitty at it. But he has at least one friend. (shoutout Melissa!) He schedules appointments for them to meet up and talk once a week, like a very normal person does. And his fear and rejection of the mission to commit suicide for earth is very understandable.

But he does have to be forced against his will to save the world. The loss of autonomy on his part is beyond fucked. It's also, unarguably, completely justified. The whole thing is just so miserable, it rules.

... and he gets better! Even if he had to forget who he was to actually change.

When he actually fully connects with another living being, he gains the bravery he lacked. He become brave enough to sacrifice himself. He chooses to kill himself to save Rocky! And then he is allowed to live anyways! Because his friend won't let him die, either!!!

But he didn't choose this. If he could, he would have never been up there in the first place. at one point, Grace would have traded every life on his planet for himself. and that's.... holy shit.