Fresh Widow

Post dysfunctional childhood, any family gatherings and holidays induced PTSD - I’d stop breathing randomly. go outside, wheeze and gasp for air for 10 eternal minutes or so, like I did yesterday. I had a weird day musing on my codependency issues, which are always so much easier to manage when you’re codependent with your best- friend-partne- in-life, rather than an audience of post-your-best friend’s-death new acquaintances. As for my childhood nightmares holidays they poke up like a mushroom here and there, and it’s probably not worth getting into that now. My relationship with Ben really healed my Xmases. We shared a dark sense of humor, and he loved my ideas-- often crafting cool things that spun off of our sense of humor, imagination, and shared cynicism.

I have a tiny crawlspace in my house and I swear every time I go in there things shapeshift and there is a different time capsule there that I didn’t see. The last time I looked there time there was only a bag that held Ben’s Satan Claws costume in there. The black fur pants which I altered for our nephew  a couple of years ago when he wanted to be a centaur for Halloween.

Yesterday morning, I went up there and there was several boxes and bags of Christmas stuff along with a giant candelabra. I opened a bag to discover this designed-out-of-egg-cartons anti-materialist junk Xmas tree. The idea came through my brother who didn’t feel up to doing the capitalist commercial Xmas for his baby at the time and Ben loved doing up the dark side of Xmas. We made light of the darkest moments. A lot of Ben’s collection of Xmas stuff is from the street- picture leaky snowball scenes and antique crumbling plastic Santas with peeling paint and cracked heads. Ben made some excellent silly ornaments too. I peeled off the top layer of stuff in the boxes and then couldn’t handle any more. I took a two hour nap, went to lunch with a friend had a beer, which I never do, then I went to went home and took another 2 hour nap in the driveway in the back of my SUV with the door open to the sunshine then took my dog for a long walk then slept for 12 hours.

I have told Margaret so many times, I do not want narcissus bulbs, but she gave them to me again, just like she does every fucking year. I do not like narcissus bulbs and she is so fucking self-absorbed. Margaret is queen and the queen is all about her, gives all her white privileged asshole boring friends narcissus bulbs and I’m just one of her paper whites. Paper whites being the common name given to narcissus bulbs given by narcissists queens to their pathetic subjects for the past ten thousand years. She’s dumped them on me 4 or 5 times already and I’ve killed them all.

I went to a dinner party of hers a couple months ago and there I met all of her friends and they were all very boring self absorbed people. Margaret is skin flint cheap. She served us chicken, although I’ve told her so many times that fowl is the one thing I will never eat.

Being a widow and said artist, Margaret calls me regularly whereas everyone else I know is up to their ears in boyfriends husbands and children and that is the only reason why I put up with her. But I don’t invite her into my house at all and I go out and meet her when I want to go out someplace but fuck I think I’d rather go out someplace by myself because last night I brought my sketchbook and I just couldn’t sketch because she was just vampiring off of my energy, Not listening to a word I said just telling me the same thought chain she’s had in her head for two years. I try not to burn bridges in my old age and Margaret hasn’t done anything to me personally but I just want to avoid her. European people are not as neurotic like they are in America, in this country everybody is a bag of worms. We just don’t know what you’re dealing with, nearly everybody’s possessed. Messing around with people from this country is like opening up a bag of worms.

But yeah I have to completely minimize hanging out with her. It’s like hanging out with a tick. And she supposed to be an artist and I’ve been trying to her to get To make art for decades and she’s just a drone ass motherfucker. Boring as shit. Consume consume consume energy vampire. I have to find a creative circle of people that’s what I’m going to do. Catholics are problematic I find in general and Margaret is raised Catholic and if anybody raised Catholic still embodies any Catholicism at all I hate them. I have rejected all the bullshit from Catholicism for the most part and if people are like prudish about sex I’m like fuck you. Stop whining like a virgin.

I know am mildly socially retarded and don’t attract tons of friends. But that’s fine I’m not here to make friends, I like making art. Just have to check my own codependency and not respond to bullshit at all ever which means I won’t be talking to Margaret. I know it’s not OK to act happy and nice all the time but I default to it because I just want people to stay the fuck away from me and get away from me as soon as possible without argument. In this country and especially in California I find I am surrounded by neurotic people And I do not want to prick their balloon of trauma or whatever, it is a mess.

I’m going to give away the narcissus bulbs on the fb page.Any narcissists out there who would like some narcissus bulbs?

I do say no all the time, but a narcissist just can not hear the word no!

The astrological weather has been intense. Two weeks ago I was at the children’s library returning children’s books. I had one new book in my hand Maurice Sendak I believe chicken soup with rice. Then I hear a loud screeching of brakes and a big deafening boom. Everybody runs to the back of the library and we go into the hallway behind the children’s room and someone says a truck crashed into the Library wall. Kind of like being on the titanic, children were on settled parents trying to calm them it was sheer luck that the truck hit the wall right next to the glass door entrance of the library rather than coming into the library. Also luckily it missed totaling my car but totally totaled somebody else’s car parked car and a bicycle. After waiting for the vehicle to explode and it didn’t, Exited through the upstairs and a woman with a small baby who was the eyewitness told the police that one car was going really fast and hit another car and the truck slammed into the library wall and the passenger of the truck fled as did the driver of the small car that got totaled. The driver of the truck was pulled out and waiting for the ambulance she was not in good shape. A week later, our friend borrows my truck (which I am in the process of selling and just sunk a bunch of money into) and the clutch goes out for the second time in a month. The morning before I lent the truck I tripped and tore my knee up pretty bad which was foreboding. There was an extremely uncomfortable week of back-and-forth about who is responsible for paying for the damage for that, which, with the help of my trusty mechanic, is finally settled. Hopefully the truck is solid now and I hope to sell it soon.

Random Mafia Don looking man at a taqueria told me I had the cutest dog on the planet

Salty Dog asked if I wanted my numerology chart done, twice

Drunken folks asked me for a High Five- I High Fived the woman

Hippies with loose dogs said I like your hat.

Random interest in my 1999 Toyota RAV by a man who also had one.

More loss. Loss after loss. Change. Such is life. Five years without B, and I suspect i am not pathetic enough for this friend a and I am happy- that means she can accuse me of white privlede. It's odd that white liberal do gooders who are so filled with fear and hate that they feel the need to judge anyone less brainwashed.

Friends w this woman 30 years. Had a phone convo with her yesterday after months of dead air. I am telling her the good things happening in my life and she has me on speaker. The only contribution she has to the convo is to put a bullet into my "things are going well" balloon. I’m sad because this old friend has not aged well emotionally. She spends her life making art, smoking, following the “news” and waiting on her boyfriend who has her locked out of their finances. She is well read and intelligent democrat who is addicted to The Science in the  I’m Right and You’re Stupid judgey black and white liberal fascism, and all her problems are other people.

You ever have someone in your life that gives you material items you don’t want all the time because they want power and control ? seems to be a pattern. I had 3 three people, who would give me all their crap they didn't want though I was like, please I am getting rid of stuff. This attribute is a red flag to me at this point.

I’m back to keeping a journal I really need to realign my time w purposeful and peaceful relationships 💚

Thursday I had a full body massage- much needed- it was the second one in light years. It was great and he was quite skilled in the art. But also made it clear (in a non pushy way) that it could be sexual. He was probably 35 and theoretically good looking, but I imagine he solicits older woman for a reason.😘$$$$

Bolinas with Margaret and the dogs yesterday- we also briefly checked out  at several truly awful crafts fairs. She’s one of the friends that worries whether I spend holidays alone. Oh but I love nothing better! We had fun hiking and went to Chinatown for soup then out for a beer. Dogs have been glued to be for a year and ¾ and cry the whole time if I don’t take them everywhere. 

Last week of work, I can’t wait to get to my projects!

Yeah the massage therapist was so suave. Asked me in the beginning if there is any place on my body that is off limits. I, unsuspectingly, said, my neck. After he worked on my for an hour and a half and I was in another zone of consciousness practically asleep, he was massaging my stomach, swiping closer to the top of my pubic mound, then said, would it feel good if I massaged your public area? I was like, OF COURSE IT WOULD. BUT THAT WOULD BE INAPPROPRIATE.

He was like a snake charmer. I was in a trance. Later I realized I’m surer he was looking at my genitals. 

I’m a widow. I need therapeutic touch. WHO THE FUCK CAN I TRUST? Yeah, from now on I’ll stick to women. 

My favorite Oracle, Erin Shade in her weekly energy update this week said, “Watch out for backbiting/ avoid weird sexual encounters this week” . So hilarious because I also had to literally pull on of the toddlers off of biting the other kids in that back for days!

I got a lot to do today but feel like chilling.

2021 or so

Today one of my infant charges threw his teething ring through the cat door. I pushed it back, stuck my hand in there, discovering a crevice filled with sawdust, another toy, and a mega dust bunny of fuzz and dirt. Much to the interest of the children I scooped out about 7 big handfuls of filth and tossed it.

An accurate metaphor for my social life this week. A week ago one of my closest allies since B died flipped on me in a psychotic rageathon. She texted me something late one night. I replied flippantly. Something which -as friends-we were comfortable doing. She texted back, FUCK OFF and “LEAVE MY STATE” and accused me of every politically incorrect crime she could think off.

We had helped each other enormously in the past three years. Equally.

Being the middle child, I identified with Cinderella. Somehow, in the midst of being a rebel, an artist, and a slob, I managed to make a career in pretty much what was once called Home Economics. I cook, I tidy, I take care of children and dogs. The cat takes care of me. 

Being a widow pretty much cements the second class citizen status but that’s okay, I revel in secondary roles, as the middle child. Middle management and all that. I do it well. I am rewarded and well compensated. But I miss him. He is there, but I still miss him.

Then I have a whole other inner life. Art. 

Demi-dogs and Republi-cats

Good cop bad cop-

It’s the same

One world order.

Pro fascism

It’s a great cure for

The Pandemonium.

Buy more stay home bot war

Big pharma fake phood are

The preexisting conditions.

All aboard the pandemic ship-

Everyone must do exactly the same

Or it’s just not safe.

One shot two shot red shot blue shot

Absolutely no guarantee.

Sign here_______________.

You’ve handed your life over to

A one size fits for profit corporation

Pre-absolved of any and all liability.

I’d pledge allegiance

To buy more shit but

I believe in vaccinations

I believe in vaccinations that actually work.

I think we should vacumn pack our minds

And seal everything in all the plastic

That we’ve been consuming anyway

I think there should be a spray on solution

Maybe huffing more Lysol

Would help us think of a better one

And what about Round Up

Isn’t it in just about everything?

According to the science

It’s benign, you can drink it.

It’s the secret ingredient in our food

and in our water

Blows holes wide open

In the gut

Mutating the brain.

I think we are are a selfish species

What about all the other species that have gone

Extinct because of our homosapiencentric selves?

Well,

What if we  fix the water the air and the earth first?

Stop poisoning ourselves,

And the plant and animal kingdom

That sustains all life?

Hail Science! We must

Mandate experimental  vaccines for children.

Ruining their immune systems for profit

So that the elderly might live to 110.

Lots more pills  to be sold

To keep the old

Frankensteins alive.

One shot- it’s not as effective as

Two shots. Whoops not good enough.

Three shots? Nah

A shot in the ass daily

Might do the trick and anyway,

The focus is just to get us

Back to to business as usual

With extra surveillance

To  insure the insatiable corporations

Get their extra share

Of mass destruction.

We are so conditioned

To unconvincing half truths and

Conflictingly statistical proof

Via sound bite brain washing blips

Big Science knows

How to keep people buying more shit.

There is only one idea to sell a seat

On the global airplane game.

Hurry up it’s a win all

Or lose everything kind of situation.

Humanity’s strained immune system

Was just discovered by the Frankenstein flu.

Can’t we just buy more shit

The day after they reunited she invited me over for leftover halibut. who the fuck invites anybody over for old fish? I told her I am not hungry and bored of hearing about that guy. She said then don’t come over. I replied if you can’t honor my simple request, ok I won’t. She then acquiesced. I stopped by after my chiropractic appointment with two mole oyster mushroom tacos, ate them in front of her then left after an hour because she is a jerk.

Oh. If you run into an old friend you haven’t seen in 30 odd years, don’t ever tell him that he looks good. I always act the same as if B was still alive, however the cold wind slaps me in the face. If you are a widow, that means that you’re at the bottom of the social status, and despite the pseudofeminist politically correct people I think I know , some gag reflex kicks in when it comes to becoming single by death, perhaps I should have worn a burka. Apparently in this death denying country we live in no one has ever figured out what it’s like to be a widowed white woman, you can’t say shit when you see friends you haven’t seen in 30 years, shit like, you look good, no, you must be needing to get fucked. It’s all about cock didn’t you know? Cock is the most fucking valuable thing there is, period, and now you’re without it. I made the mistake of telling an old friend he looked good. Didn’t mean anything by it, would’ve been fine if Ben was still alive, and the guy is married a feminist friend of mine, thought he was enlightened——but oops, I crossed the taboo line and he immediately mentioned his wife, who is a way better friend of mine. I managed to squeeze in later on in the conversation that I’m not looking for a man, duh. But it’s fucking weird. The old double standard. If your friend has a husband, you gotta dance around that bullshit like I never had to do it when my husband was alive.Cock is more valuable than gold obviously. A peck on the cheek, then they run away, scared. Suddenly I have a vagina that could swallow them whole, the contagious curse of death that I remind them of, plus I’m not under 30 and forget to censor myself, I act like I still have a partner who desires me. Because I was loved and love I find is eternal. If you can embody the transcendental love of your mother, there is no reason for not feeling the love of the person who loved me most.

It’s been an emotional week. I have to be grateful for the people who are truly kind and not bitter and be careful to nurture that side of my self, because some people are kind, and some people just aren’t. Like, every fix it dude that comes down the pipe to do anything comes with attitude.

I have so many starts to finish writing my book but have been out of the writing habit. This is a surface skimming post, in preparation to get real.