Lusja

I feel so guilty for doing so, they seemed worried and I hate that.

I'm feeling even worse today and I don't want to tell them about that again because well, they have their own problems plus I feel like an attention seeker.

I wanted to ask them if they want to talk because "I'm bored" but I'll just hold it for now.

Yes

- Do you do it?

No

- Are your friends open for your vents?

Yes

- Do you vent to them?

No

- Did they tell you many times you can vent to them anytime?

Yes

- Do you need attention?

Yes

- Are you scared of sounding like an attention seeker?

Yes

I know it's a part of my personality, but I feel so fragile sometimes. I literally get triggered by the slightest nude art I see, I get triggered by sex jokes, I get triggered with anything. I feel like a fucking 10 year old that freaks out at the word penis.

It's not that big of a deal when I see a nsfw art on my fyp on tumblr, I get scared a bit and then just block the OP. This one is simple. But once someone tells me a sex joke or send a reel which contains some sex/porn reference, I literally need to just turn on the music and calm down for some time. I feel so stupid writing this but no one even looks at my posts so it's okay.

I just wish I'll accept myself one day and I won't behave like I do at this moment. That's so fucked up oh my God.

I'm not motivated to do anything at all. I want to be an artist, draw beautiful illustrations, I want to make a game, I've been planning it for the past 3 years. But everything feels so dry now. I don't see any improvement in my art anymore. Other artists are much better than me and they're happy with drawing. I'm not.

Not having any skill or hobby is scaring me. I wouldn't know what to do with my life at this point. School is draining me so much I actually don't do anything now, I just study or at least try to do it. I don't play games now, I don't draw, I don't read books, I don't write. I have no reason to do that, I can't do anything properly, even after studying for 5 hours I get a grade I'm not enjoying.

I want to make a game so much, I want to work on it, I want to develop it and be popular and known. But I surely have no time to learn how to code, how to model, how to do anything, what am I going to do in the future while I don't even enjoy a hobby I had for 6 years?

Yeah, this post is a rant of mine. I don't write much posts here so sorry I guess.

I've been a therapist friend since I can remember. I was always open for people venting to me and never ignored any vent. I felt bad seeing people I love suffer, so I wanted to comfort them, or for example make them realize that the thing that happened was not their fault.

But why is it so hard? Sometimes these vents drain me so much. With the knowledge that people vent to me, I collect their negative energy, but who can collect mine? Who can take the energy I took from anybody else? It often drains me so much which results in feeling tons of guilt, because I can't help someone properly or I don't know what to say to cheer them up. I feel obliged to make them feel good, as if it was my duty that I forced myself to do, because I hate seeing people in a bad mood.

This sounds a bit crazy to me, I'm complaining about something I'm forcing myself to do. I don't know how to stop feeling guilty and how to not overthink about other people's well-being and mental health. This is often too much for me, that I just need to turn off my phone and think for 10 minutes, what should I say to a person venting to me. I can't just leave them on delivered or seen.