I’m Fine

Kevin’s mouth opened.

Neil reminded him, “Remember we agreed not to lie to each other anymore.”

Kevin’s mouth closed.

Neil hummed.

He didn’t know why the thought was still stuck with him. Renee had been quick to shut him down the first time he mentioned it, but it had seemed the most logical conclusion to him. He could have told himself it was because he couldn’t imagine why anyone wouldn’t want Kevin, but he hadn’t wanted Kevin like that at the time, either. Or he hadn’t known, at least.

He’d been like Andrew, then, in the sense that Kevin was to him more of a need than a want. Neil had tricked himself into thinking Kevin represented everything he wanted, but that wasn’t it. Neil wasn’t even Neil before Kevin; only a persona that was never meant to become a person. Neil had always needed Kevin, because everything Kevin gave him was what allowed him to exist. Kevin was a lifeline. Neil had been prepared to cling to him with sharp claws and bared teeth before he thought of using a soft caress and parted lips.

He’d thought he and Andrew were the same then, but now he still couldn’t let that feeling go.

“Did you ever try?” Neil asked.

Kevin shifted, but not enough to dislodge Neil’s hand from his hair. “Why are you asking?”

“I don’t know. I’m not trying to interrogate you, or anything. I’m just…curious.”

“Is it because you don’t get casual attraction?”

“Just because I don’t experience it doesn’t mean I don’t understand the concept, Kev. But you and Andrew could never be casual.”

Kevin blanched. “That’s not—“

“It is true. You care about each other too much.”

“Andrew doesn’t care about anything,” Kevin muttered, automatically.

Neil noted Kevin made no denial of his own feelings, and smiled inwardly. He tugged Kevin’s hair. “That’s not true.”

Neil had seen enough of Andrew caring firsthand to accept anyone suggesting otherwise. Andrew might have played his protection off as promise-keeping, but he wouldn’t have bothered with promising anything if it meant nothing to him. It was clear he cared about Aaron, regardless of how messy the feelings were. He even cared about Nicky, as little as he acted like it.

And he cared about Kevin. Neil knew the feeling well enough to recognise it in the others, and Andrew was not an exception.

Kevin sighed through his nose. “Maybe. But you’re closer to Andrew than I ever was. He doesn’t—he’s never talked to me like that.”

Neil shimmied down from his sitting position and curled on his side next to Kevin. He realised that Andrew talked to him about things their other teammates would likely never hear, that there was an inexplicable trust offered through their game of truths. But Neil didn’t talk to Kevin like he talked to Andrew, either. That clearly didn’t mean he didn’t care.

“You never tried anything because you didn’t think he wanted you to,” Neil concluded.

Kevin didn’t answer, which was confirmation enough.

“You’re stupid as shit.”

“Thanks, Neil.”

“I’m serious.”

“I know you are. That’s why I’m amused. You’re the most oblivious one here. Whatever you’re getting at is wrong.”

“Or you’re extra stupid because I’m the oblivious one and even I can see it.”

“Just spit out what you want to say, Neil.”

Neil huffed. “I know you want to kiss Andrew, I’m pretty sure he wants to kiss you, and I’m more okay with that than I think I’m supposed to be.”

Kevin blinked at him. He attempted to say something, then blinked again. Then he said, “Oh.”

Neil didn’t like the way it sounded. “What?”

“You like him,” Kevin said triumphantly. “You want me to kiss Andrew because you want to, too.”

Neil stared at him. His hand fell from Kevin’s hair. “What.”

~^~

Neil never liked admitting that Kevin was right about something, because Kevin was extra infuriating when he was being a smug little shit, but sometimes he was so obviously right that there was no way around it.

Apparently, this was one of those times.

It wasn’t that Neil had a burning desire to make out with Andrew. He’d never even considered it. But once Kevin mentioned it, he let the idea into his head, and he couldn’t say he disliked the thought. Kissing Andrew, he thought, would feel oddly natural. He found that he wanted to know exactly how it would feel.

More than anything, he wanted to know if Andrew would let him. Neil knew that Andrew trusted him to some extent; he trusted Neil to keep his mouth shut, to not use his past against him, to take in his bitter truths unflinchingly.

Andrew’s body was in a whole other realm of off-limits, but he trusted Neil with that in tiny portions, too. He let Neil grab his hand or touch his shoulder. He let Neil close enough, on occasion, to lean their shoulders or knees together. Not entirely intimate, but casually close. He never pushed Neil away.

A kiss would be a level of trust Neil felt dizzy at the thought of reaching.

It was only in part due to Andrew being quite attractive. He was the strongest person Neil knew, and he looked it. The soft sweep of his hair and curve of his face balanced any hardness in his expressions. The cocky quirk of his brow or fierce line of his lips were equally intriguing, depending on the circumstances.

Neil wanted to kiss him for the same reasons he liked kissing Kevin.

He just liked them.

It was leading to a whole plethora of embarrassment, with too many incidents of Neil being too obvious with his newly discovered crush. Such as right now, when he didn’t even realise his eyes hadn’t left Andrew in a good ten minutes until Andrew said, “Staring.”

Kevin looked up from where he had his head buried in a textbook and glanced between Andrew and Neil. Kevin was next to Neil on the couch where both of them were attempting to study, and Andrew had claimed one of the beanbag chairs and a game controller. Neil had no idea what he was playing and only heard low bouts of rapid gunfire. He couldn’t tell if Andrew was being considerate of their studying attempts or any possible panic the louder noise would bring. It was dangerous enough to consider Andrew considerate in the first place.

Neil searched for some excuse or just a simple apology and found no words would leave him. Instead he kept staring at Andrew, only now he was blubbing silently like a fish.

Kevin dug his elbow into Neil’s side just as Andrew turned to look at them. He caught the movement before setting an unreadable gaze on Neil. “What,” he demanded.

Neil resisted the urge to glance at Kevin for help and just shook his head. “Didn’t mean to, just zoned out.”

Andrew narrowed his eyes. “You’re a terrible liar.”

“Why would I even lie about this?”

“Because you’re embarrassed that you got caught,” Andrew said bluntly.

“I have nothing to be embarrassed about.”

“Tell your face that. Surely you can feel a blush that bad.”

“Maybe I’m frustrated you’re asking stupid, pushy questions.”

“I’m not asking you anything.”

Neil tossed his hands up. “You asked why I was staring.”

“So you were staring.”

Kevin wrapped a hand around Neil’s before he could pull his hair out or lunge at Andrew in his frustration. Both options were becoming equally likely. “Andrew, now you’re just trying to be annoying.”

Andrew turned his heavy, calculating gaze on Kevin instead and Neil breathed easier. “Oh, Kevin. You know I don’t try.”

“You’re a terrible liar,” Neil muttered, just to be a shit.

Andrew’s eyes shot back to him. After another moment of consideration, he hummed and turned back to the TV. “Fine. You’ll tell me eventually.”

To anyone else, it would have sounded menacing. To Neil, it was a reminder of that tentative trust, of an unexpected but unwavering patience. To Neil, it was another reason to want to kiss him.

Kevin’s heavy gaze wasn’t as effective, but it was equally annoying in its knowing. Neil gave him a glare that he hoped conveyed ‘you’re no less subtle’.

~^~

He was proved right during their game the following week. It was not the roughest of their matches, but violence was almost always a factor for the Foxes and Kevin was most often the primary target. All the teams had realised quickly that Kevin hadn’t returned to his left hand as a one-time trick, but was playing with it more and more often this season. It was also clear that Kevin was more wary about it. They hadn’t expected this team to be vicious, so Kevin felt comfortable enough trying. It had started well, but desperation was a violent motivator.

There wasn’t much Neil could do to help Kevin when his own backliner mark was barely letting him breathe. Kevin seemed more annoyed than worried, but Neil’s chest was growing tighter even while his anger sparked.

Moments later, he watched Kevin’s mark slam down hard on his racquet, and Kevin dropped it like he’d been burned.

Neil knocked past his own mark and crossed the court to shove the wide-eyed player away. “The fuck is wrong with you, asshole?”

“I wasn’t actually trying to—“

“Save it,” Neil snapped. “You knew exactly what you were doing. Go anywhere near him again and I’ll kill you. Understood?”

He allowed himself to smile, and the backliner paled, which was good enough for Neil. He whirled away in favour of going to Kevin, only to find Andrew already there.

The goalie had Kevin’s hand cradled in his with Kevin’s glove tucked under his arm. He tilted Kevin’s hand this way and that in a slow examination, gripping carefully with his fingers and rubbing softly with his thumbs. Neil knew he was purposefully showing Kevin with the positioning, but it was pointless. Kevin’s eyes were stuck on Andrew’s face, wide and warm like the red flush spread across his cheeks.

Neil slid a hand over his shoulder and Kevin’s gaze shot to him. “You okay?”

Kevin looked to Andrew, who stared steadily back at him. Kevin nodded, letting out a shaky breath. “Yeah.” Then, quieter, “Thanks.”

Andrew flicked a dismissive hand and glanced over Kevin’s shoulder. Neil followed his gaze and found the backliner very pointedly not looking at them.

“I handled it,” Neil said.

Andrew didn’t look entirely convinced, and Neil was almost waiting to see the flash of a knife. Instead, he dropped Kevin’s hand and looked calculatingly at Neil. “You handle it,” he echoed, an inch off toneless. Then he turned and headed back towards the goal.

Neil blinked, but ignored it in favour of focusing on Kevin. “You don’t have to play the rest. Dan or one of the freshmen can—“

“And let you have all the glory?” Kevin demanded. “As if.”

He leaned down close to Neil, lips just slightly quirked, and Neil knew he was fine. He rolled his eyes and pushed Kevin’s face away—it was too gentle to be considered a shove. “Fine. Try actually making yourself useful, then.”

If Andrew slammed the ball down the court so it thwacked off the backliner one too many times to be coincidental, neither Neil or Kevin were going to mention it.

They might have agreed it was hot in some ridiculous way, though.

~^~

Neil was more confused than surprised when Kevin cornered him in the locker room after all the others had left. He was a little surprised when Kevin pressed him to a wall and kissed him like his life depended on it rather than saying anything. Neil kissed back, because he wasn’t an idiot, despite popular opinion, but he had to say something when Kevin’s lips trailed down his neck.

“What is this about?” Neil asked. “I sucked out there.”

Kevin sucked on his skin in response. “You weren’t at your best,” he admitted.

“I know this isn’t comfort, so what? Motivation?”

“Did you see the final save Andrew made?”

Neil was even more baffled now, and Kevin’s teeth scraping over his tendons wasn’t helping the muddled connections in his brain. “What?”

“Never mind. I know you did. You watched him too long afterwards. I watched you.”

“Uhm.”

“I watched him, too.”

“Hang on. You’re attacking me because you’re hot and bothered over Andrew?”

Kevin huffed. “Don’t pretend I’m the only one.”

“I’m not—I wasn’t—that’s not the point.”

Kevin paused, retreating so he wasn’t touching Neil. “Sorry. I didn’t even think you wouldn’t want—“

“I didn’t say that,” Neil cut him off. He set a soothing hand on Kevin’s shoulder, then slid it around to the nape of his neck to draw him down closer. Kevin stooped to Neil’s height without any resistance and let himself be kissed. “I just mean. We shouldn’t use Andrew that way. Without his permission.”

“I’m not going to be thinking about Andrew much longer if you keep doing this.” Kevin tapped Neil’s bottom lip, and Neil nipped at his finger. “Not going to be thinking about how you supposedly sucked out there either.”

“What, if I suck in here?”

Kevin pulled away from him with an irritated look. “Really, Neil?”

“What? I thought you liked when I talked about it.”

“I never like when you talk. It never ends well.”

“This could.”

“Not anymore.”

“Oh, come on, Kev.”

“You really do have no chance with Andrew if you genuinely think that was a good line.”

“Well, I don’t anymore, and that doesn’t sound like ‘not thinking about Andrew’. Andrew would probably react the same way you did—“

“With complete and utter disappointment.”

“—and oh look, you’re still here,” Neil finished pointedly, raising a brow.

“For how much longer, it depends. Do you know how to stop talking for more than five minutes?”

Neil shrugged and kissed Kevin’s chin. “I’m sure,” he kissed Kevin’s neck, “that you can find some other ways for me to put my mouth to use, if it bothers you so much.”

Kevin hummed low in his throat. “That was better. Not by much,” he added. “But better.”

~^~

Neil started to wonder if he should be getting jealous of how frequently Andrew came up with Kevin, but he realised it wasn’t so much that it happened more often as that it was a different context, and both of them were equally guilty of it. Some of it hadn’t changed all that much, with Kevin ranting about Andrew’s lack of motivation and Neil ranting about how Andrew was simply an asshole.

But then Kevin would rant about how it was particularly unfair because Andrew was so good when he just tried, and Neil would rant about how much Andrew clearly did care underneath (way, way underneath as it may be) and how frustrating it was that he wouldn’t just let them care about him. Which wasn’t really a big change. Only now, it was given a lot more notice.

By both them and Andrew.

He stared them both down over the tray of drinks on their table. His silence was more demanding than any question might have been, and Kevin was tipsy enough to squirm in the face of it.

“Stop,” Neil told Andrew. “He’s skittish enough without whatever it is you’re trying to drill into him.”

Andrew quirked a brow.

“Or get out of him.”

“Maybe I should do both. Drill into him until I make something come out. How does that sound, Kevin?”

Kevin choked on his drink. Neil rubbed his back as he coughed and wondered why the hell he was being so awkward. “Uhm,” Kevin said.

Andrew’s other brow raised to join the first.

“Just leave him alone,” Neil sighed.

“Not doing anything you two don’t do to me.”

Neil and Kevin shared a look. “Sorry,” Neil said.

“I don’t want your apologies.”

“Right. You want nothing.”

Andrew gave him a dark, weighted look. Almost expectant. But there was a warning there, too. Neil didn’t know what any of it was for.

“We’re nothing,” Kevin muttered, then downed the remaining half of his drink.

Neil and Andrew stared at him, Neil incredulous and betrayed and Andrew—

Amused?

“What?” Kevin said defensively. “He says it all the time.”

Neil blinked, then stared at Andrew.

Andrew sipped his drink. “Who knew one of you had a brain cell after all.”

Kevin almost dropped his glass. “Wait—“

“What,” Neil said.

Andrew rolled his eyes, and Neil nearly fell off his stool when a weight suddenly dropped across his back. Nicky draped an arm around him and leaned half on Neil, half on the table. Aaron reappeared next to Andrew and lifted a quarter-filled glass with a frown.

“Why’s everyone looking so serious over here?” Nicky demanded. “And where’s the next round?”

Andrew downed the rest of his drink and slowly set it back on the table, giving his cousin a bored look. “There isn’t one. We’re done.”

Aaron turned his frown on him. “What? Since when?”

“Since just now, when I’ve just told you.”

“We never leave this early.”

“That’s untrue.”

Aaron huffed. “Not without a reason.”

“Blame these two,” Andrew dismissed, nodding his head at Kevin and Neil. The two were still too lost to say a word in defense.

“I call nonsense,” Nicky butted in, too loud in Neil’s ear. “Kevin wouldn’t cut his drinking time short! Tell him, Kevin.”

Kevin stared owlishly at Andrew as Andrew got to his feet, and didn’t say a word.

“Kevin’s cutting down on his drinking,” Andrew said. “Aren’t you, Kev?”

It didn’t sound much like a question. Kevin looked into the half-full glass still in his hands, set it on the table, and nodded. Neil looked incredulously at Andrew and just caught the satisfied curl of his lips. Neil didn’t think Andrew was interested in Kevin’s sobriety as much as he was checking how well Kevin responded to a request—and how much ground he was willing to give.

Neil wondered why he wasn’t being equally tested and if he should feel somehow left out, and considered that maybe it just wasn’t the right opportunity. But after giving it some thought, he realised Andrew probably already had enough of his answers.

“Oh,” Nicky said, eyes wide and apologetic as he leaned around Neil to make gooey eyes at his boyfriend. “Good for you, Kev.” He patted Kevin’s hand, a gesture that barely made Kevin twitch, but gained a slight scowl. The expression smoothed out again as Neil leaned against his side and, consequently, away from Nicky’s heavy hold.

Aaron didn’t seem as convinced. He narrowed his eyes at Kevin. “Why? You’ve seemed happy drowning yourself the rest of the night.”

“He needs some way to put up with your presence,” Neil said, finally tearing his attention off Andrew long enough to find his voice. “He won’t have to once we leave.”

“Aaron,” Nicky hissed. “They want to go. They have better things they wanna do.”

“Like what? Give drunk commentary to an exy match they’ve already seen ten times? Go straight to bed?”

Nicky’s eyes glowed. “Probably!”

It took a moment for Aaron to realise, and then he screwed up his nose. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

Andrew pumped his brows at Kevin and Neil behind his brother’s back, then bumped past him to kick him into motion. “Nope. You’re outnumbered, now move.”

Aaron grumbled a likely unkind response, but they all followed Andrew outside. Nicky detached himself from Neil and clung to Aaron instead once Neil wrapped his hand around Kevin’s wrist.

Neil and Kevin settled in the sitting room until Aaron and Nicky were safely tucked away in their rooms and Andrew came looking for them. He stood in the doorway with crossed arms and waited.

“What did you mean?” Neil finally asked. “When you said Kevin was right?”

“I didn’t,” Andrew said. “I said he had some brain cells. Well, one, at least.”

“Which means he said something right.”

“That’s a bit of a stretch.”

“Andrew,” Kevin snapped, exasperated. “Just tell us what the hell you’re talking about, will you?”

“No. You two are going first.”

Neil glanced at Kevin. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, you can finally admit what all the staring’s about.”

Neil’s mouth went dry. “I said I was sorry. I don’t know what else you’re looking for.”

“He wants you to tell him you like him,” Kevin said, watching Andrew steadily.

What the hell?

That smug curl to Andrew’s lips was firmly in place once more. “If you’d rather go first, be my guest.”

Kevin’s cheeks slowly turned red, but his silence only gave Andrew time to prowl towards him. Kevin sat up straighter against the couch cushions and stretched a hand towards Neil. Neil covered it with his own, but made no move to interfere.

Andrew raised a brow expectantly.

“I hate you,” Kevin muttered, then let out a breath. “But I like you. Turns out I have a thing for petty, annoying assholes.”

Andrew’s huff could’ve been a laugh, by his standards. He leaned down so his face was hovering inches from Kevin’s, and placed a hand on the backrest by Kevin’s head to keep his balance. He tipped his head in Neil’s direction. “Don’t worry. We both know exactly why you like us.” Kevin swallowed thickly, and Andrew leaned so close their noses were almost touching. Then he asked, “Yes or no?”

Neil curled his hand around Kevin’s. Kevin breathed, “Yes.”

“Hands to yourself,” Andrew ordered, then kissed him.

It was interesting, somehow, watching Kevin from this perspective. Neil could note all the little things he missed when they were kissing, like how Kevin’s face scrunched up a little before it smoothed out as he relaxed. How his jaw noticeably slackened when Andrew curled a hand around his neck. How the line of his throat stretched as he looked for more contact.

He’d never seen Andrew kiss anyone before, but he imagined it often. It was better than he expected. He’d thought Andrew would be demanding yet carefully controlled, showing experience. But there was a furrow between Andrew’s brows and a slowness to the movement of his lips that showed how tentative he truly was.

Neither of them had ever looked more beautiful.

Kevin’s hand twitched in Neil’s, and Neil locked their fingers together, helping him manage Andrew’s request, but Andrew was already pulling away. His eyes remained closed for a brief second, an affected gesture that Kevin missed in his own belated reaction. Neil, however, caught it, and could only smile when Andrew caught him watching.

Kevin blinked his eyes open. “Why’d you stop?”

Andrew tilted his head. “Greedy, are we?”

“Yes,” Neil said, as Kevin made a noise of disagreement. Kevin gave him a sharp look, then paled.

“Neil. I should have asked. And I shouldn’t have spoken for you like that, I—“

Neil cut him off with another squeeze of his hand. “Are you kidding? Kev, I could kiss you right now.”

“Don’t,” Andrew said. When Neil turned to look at him, he added, “Kiss me.”