My Stream of Consciousness

Today was mock rock, which is the big competition at the end of homecoming week at the college I went to. He filmed the whole thing. And he worked all day. I didn’t expect to hear from him at all, but he texted me updates & results throughout the day / night without me even asking. Then, as soon as he got back to his dorm, he FaceTimed me & we both talked about our days and he asked about the retreat I was on and told me about his day & then he told me he wanted to pray because he never wanted to forget God during the good times too & he prayed.

Anyway, a few hours later, my brother was playing cigarette daydreams on the house speakers. And it reminded me of him because one of our first dates he took me to a music store & I sang / played it on the guitar there & he watched and remembered it & kept playing that song every so often bc he loved that memory & the song.

And I just knew.

This might sound dramatic, but I'm sure I'll feel entirely differently after some exercise and some time with God, so there's no need to worry. But I feel sometimes, more often than I think is probably healthy, that I don't really know what my purpose is here on this earth right now. And I have my Christian faith in my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, so that brings a weighty meaning to the life I lead day by day in that I know I am here for His purposes and to seek and help to save the lost and to shine light in the darkness. Right? But living is a lot more than ministry... at least it feels that way when 8 of my 24 hrs a day are spent at work. And it's not like I have some random insurance job that anyone could do. I literally work at a charity where we walk alongside children and their families as they go through difficulties and we mentor, educate, and provide resources so they can grow up to be self-sufficient. My job is a ministry in a way. Will I feel better when we lower my boss' unreasonable salary? Will I feel better when I get promoted? Will I feel better when I move out and marry my boyfriend? Will I feel better when I quit my job and choose to live out of my car, travelling the country with a remote job? What is it? What am I missing?

I feel I am at the verge of tears more often than usual. What do I have to be sad about? Am I wasting my life away? I'm only 23, and I have only been at this job a few months, but can I really expect this job to get better? Would I be happier less emotionally involved and working part-time? I can't say.

Why am I so fragile right now? Where did my resilience go? I have been through extremely tough times, but I have gotten through them.

I think I figured it out. God is calling to me regularly, and I keep ignoring the call. I sit on my phone on instagram or whatever else because that is what feels easier at the time. I do all the other things I do, but I don't spend time in the Word. I don't meditate on it day and night like the Psalmists say they do. I put my feelings first, and I seek my boyfriend or friendships, but I have the greatest friendship, and I have been largely ignoring it. That friend is my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

"One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin,     but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

HCU fundraising letter

Psych practicum paper

SOP for some frisbee stuff

call the frisbee guy

dentist?

delete all my google photos

clean up my icloud storage space

sell my bed

buy a smaller bed

investigate the app for for the need

call the lawyer & get my death documents notorized

get my married friends a gift

get my secret santa a gift

get my other secret santa the rest of her gift

return my pillow to target

figure out how I will fit all my clothes and things into my suitcase

order books for school

figure out which log & rog section I can take

get food for tomorrow night to cook

I miss having a boyfriend. It was really nice having someone I can call at any time knowing they would be excited to hear from me. My ex liked me a lot. Sometimes I fear I won’t find someone who will admire me as much as he did. I am kind of okay. Seeing him is really hard. We were so intimate with each other. I’ve done things with him I am ashamed to tell even my bestest friends and mentors. I, of course, have already confessed and repented of my sin, but that does not erase the memory. It is really hard to be okay seeing someone you have been so intimate with as a stranger. Being in love is kinda like being drunk. In both cases, you are definitely not in the right state of mind to be making rational decisions. I made a lot of irrational decisions in that relationship. Definitely some poor life decisions were made in that relationship. I felt like texting him a few minutes ago, but I was not going to. It’s really hard to just be complete strangers. I keep getting flashbacks of the things he has said to me. It hurts. It hurts a lot. I thought I was over it, but coming here has resurfaced all of my romantic memories. I miss being able to kiss him whenever I wanted. We would make out to anything in my car, my dorm, his dorm, the gazebo, wherever really. Making out feels really good.

I have trouble letting people go. I think it’s just that I care about people a lot and I don’t like watching them leave. The closer I get to people, the more scared I get that they will leave me. I want to get married. I want that closeness and that security. But I don’t want to date again. Dating is hard. I am really scared to date again. It’s too much of a risk. The more you give to them, the more they have to ruin. Jordan suggested I just make a lot of good guy friends and drill them but don’t date them unless I am completely blown away by their faith and heart for God and other qualities that I’m into. It must be nice to not have baggage. I don’t know what that’s like. Why couldn’t I have been more picky? Other people seem to manage that. What is it about me that makes me so sentimental and attached? Do I want to change this about myself? Should I?

I am scared to date again. I don’t have to deal with this anytime soon though. I think it will be good for me to be single for a whole year, and it will have been in February. My best friend back home is an option, but he won’t date for another 3 years and wants to leave for a year after that on a mission trip. How is he going to resist temptation for that long? Would he even be good for me? Is he a distraction? What is going on? Should I wait for him? I don’t want to wait three years. That is too long. Also, there is a good chance we don’t end up together. Should I put pressure on? Would that be weird? Would he care? Would he like me? What would he do if he did? Does he like me? It would be really nice to know that. I don’t need security in a boy. God is the ultimate security. It’s not even that I need security in a guy or whatever, like I really do believe I have my security in Christ. It’s just that I fear loss and separation, so like having a boyfriend is really nice because he loves me and won’t leave. But having a husband is the best because a boyfriend can break your heart and leave you, but with a husband, you will have to work things out.

My ex is a sad boy. I wish I could do something about it. I wish we could just make out a few times a week and it be completely platonic and not sinful at all, but that is not how that works. God did not build us that way. If I were to hang out with him alone, it would be really hard not to kiss him. Or maybe I would want to slap him. I don’t know. Connor told me that the opposite of love was not hate; it is apathy, just not caring at all. But the problem is, I do care. You can’t just love someone like that and stop caring. It’s been 7 months, but it went by fast. I want to go home. I don’t want to be here anymore. It’s really hard. It’s too hard. Every week, I break down and cry. Why was I so dumb? How can I trust anyone ever again? How can I trust myself again? Why did I trust myself? My ex before this one was a better boyfriend. He respected me. This ex took advantage of me. He did not even realize it, but he took advantage of me. And I let him. And most of the time, I enjoyed it. WHY DID HE HAVE TO LIE TO ME HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME I AM SCARRED FOR LIFE I DON’T THINK I CAN EVER RECOVER I DON’T THINK I CAN EVER TRUST AGAIN

oh

I question sincerity, but why? Most people are genuine, right? I don’t think so... it’s important to not jump to conclusions. People are way more interesting when I’m analyzing them. I miss talking with a good old friend of mine. He gets my frustrations. He gets me. This girl is so annoying. Why am I so annoyed? I understand her, I think. She has daddy issues, MAJOR FOMO, and idek what else, probably trauma from her experiences. All these things make sense to me. I understand them. Why does she have such bad FOMO? What does she fear missing out on? Is it irrational? People who fear missing out... what are characteristics of them? They are usually insecure... only find their identity in a group because they don’t think highly enough of themselves/their place in the world to have the confidence to be an individual... It seems to me that this is an issue of faith. It’s a Galatians 1:10 issue. Paul says that if he were living to please men, he would no longer be a servant of Christ. If I were living for men (including myself), I would no longer be a servant of Christ. This girl I know is struggling in this area (probably), and it manifests as FOMO and security issues. Okay, so... I get this. Why am I still so annoyed? She’s got a problem that needs fixing just like everyone else does. Why should that bother me? Is it irrational? My theory... she’s ingenuine. There’s a lack of sincerity about her. Not much bothers me more than a lack of authenticity. I think I subconsciously recognized what’s been going on, and it’s been bothering me so much. She just wants to erase the memory of her ex and move on as though nothing happened. She is replacing him with us, and she doesn’t even realize it. This explains the tireless begging of us to hang out, the annoying cries to “please invite me to everything,” the flirting with one of my best friends, the long term plans that she hopes will secure her place in the group forever, and the overall atmosphere of clinginess, and, of course, the FOMO.

(this reads more like a journal entry than a blog post)

I’m so done messing around with these boys who so clearly aren’t what’s best for me. It’s time I start making better choices. 

I sometimes look back on my younger self with disappointment, but then I remember how differently I saw the world at that time. Why is it so much easier to see a poor choice when looking back on it? No, that’s not a good excuse... I knew what I was doing was a bad idea. The second one was a better idea? but definitely still way more risky than I should have allowed for myself.

I think I’m learning from my mistakes though. I am so different now than I was two years ago, even a year ago. It’s crazy how much can change in a year. I really wish I could have learned these lessons vicariously because then, I would still have my innocence and about a year of my life back. Still a virgin though, thank God. Remind me not to date boys with no self-control.

One reason I think I am growing as a person in this area is because of how different my mindset and actions have been since reading I Kissed Dating Goodbye.