Impossibly Inadequate

My brother called me to warn me that she did not bring the table saw. She brought the miter saw. I have a miter saw, I need the table saw to rip boards for replacing our failing porch ceiling.

He also didn't want his bed yet. They need to refloor their basement before that bedroom is useable. They plan on doing that in the next six months. She didn't tell him she was bringing his bed or totes and totes of clothes our grandma made. Just told him that she was bringing him his chest freezer which he did want. All of this, according to her, took up the space in the trailer that would've been used for the table saw.

Which would mean a few days of recovery in the hospital and a couple months of limited activity. It'd be my first surgery/procedure that isn't outpatient

As of right now, four friends, my husband, and one cousin's wife (and probably that cousin now)know that anything is going on. This cousin's wife knows the least but she's both perceptive and an absolute terrier. Another cousin started asking questions after hearing me softly say "maybe after we get everything figured out" to my husband about plans but I was able to sidestep saying that it wasn't the right time (my brother's wedding reception rehearsal) to talk about stuff, that it was nothing to worry about, and I'd tell her later. My brother & SIL had their reception and then a bit after that their honeymoon. They'll be back next week.

So, I've been really thinking through (and talking through with my husband) everything because it's the only way I can manage my anxiety around the whole situation. If I don't need surgery, I will tell my mother nothing just like with the rest of my health issues. And I think, should I need surgery, I'm not going to tell my mother until after I'm mostly or completely recovered. She would insist on visiting and would just show up even if I told her not to. (She's done that twice already and she's not changed in a meaningful way over past couple years) Contact with her is bad for my mental well-being when I'm at my best..

However, if I took that course of action, I would likely need to not tell family members until that same time. Because I'd confide in my cousin, who'd almost certainly tell her mom/my aunt, who'd likely call my mother. And my mother would show up, or possibly call me to scream at me like she did when she found out my brother took a trip to Scotland without telling her (not sure why she didn't scream at him instead). Or, assuming my cousin and/or aunt don't say anything, then I still have to deal with the familial fallout of having a major surgery and my mother being the last to know. I am the only person on my dad's side of my family that is this estranged from a parent. And I'm so tired of being the "bad daughter"

Telling my sister is a safe bet, though the least comforting option, but I would really upset my brother if he didn't know since we're so close and I desperately & selfishly want him to comfort me about all of this. I want to cry into his massive shoulder. If I only tell my siblings, I'm putting my brother in the middle between my mother and I. And our individual relationships with Mother are as different as the way she treats us. Still, confiding in him puts him in the middle, and thus the firing line, and isn't fair to him and his wife. Then again, brain surgery doesn't feel very fair either.

I'd love to say that I'm just anxiously spiralling and that, if I have to have surgery, my mother would be kind, understanding, and possibly helpful when she visits (because there's absolutely no way she wouldn't take a day off to show up at the hospital immediately after surgery & then announce that she's staying the night or she then visit again on a weekend) but that feels like a very silly childhood fantasy about a person who doesn't exist. I know she loves me in her way and I do love her...

Which would mean a few days of recovery in the hospital and a couple months of limited activity. It'd be my first surgery/procedure that isn't outpatient

As of right now, four friends, my husband, and one cousin's wife (and probably that cousin now)know that anything is going on. This cousin's wife knows the least but she's both perceptive and an absolute terrier. Another cousin started asking questions after hearing me softly say "maybe after we get everything figured out" to my husband about plans but I was able to sidestep saying that it wasn't the right time (my brother's wedding reception rehearsal) to talk about stuff, that it was nothing to worry about, and I'd tell her later. My brother & SIL had their reception and then a bit after that their honeymoon. They'll be back next week.

So, I've been really thinking through (and talking through with my husband) everything because it's the only way I can manage my anxiety around the whole situation. If I don't need surgery, I will tell my mother nothing just like with the rest of my health issues. And I think, should I need surgery, I'm not going to tell my mother until after I'm mostly or completely recovered. She would insist on visiting and would just show up even if I told her not to. (She's done that twice already and she's not changed in a meaningful way over past couple years) Contact with her is bad for my mental well-being when I'm at my best..

However, if I took that course of action, I would likely need to not tell family members until that same time. Because I'd confide in my cousin, who'd almost certainly tell her mom/my aunt, who'd likely call my mother. And my mother would show up, or possibly call me to scream at me like she did when she found out my brother took a trip to Scotland without telling her (not sure why she didn't scream at him instead). Or, assuming my cousin and/or aunt don't say anything, then I still have to deal with the familial fallout of having a major surgery and my mother being the last to know. I am the only person on my dad's side of my family that is this estranged from a parent. And I'm so tired of being the "bad daughter"

Telling my sister is a safe bet, though the least comforting option, but I would really upset my brother if he didn't know since we're so close and I desperately & selfishly want him to comfort me about all of this. I want to cry into his massive shoulder. If I only tell my siblings, I'm putting my brother in the middle between my mother and I. And our individual relationships with Mother are as different as the way she treats us. Still, confiding in him puts him in the middle, and thus the firing line, and isn't fair to him and his wife. Then again, brain surgery doesn't feel very fair either.

I'd love to say that I'm just anxiously spiralling and that, if I have to have surgery, my mother would be kind, understanding, and possibly helpful when she visits (because there's absolutely no way she wouldn't take a day off to show up at the hospital immediately after surgery & then announce that she's staying the night or she then visit again on a weekend) but that feels like a very silly childhood fantasy about a person who doesn't exist. I know she loves me in her way and I do love her...

After my brother read out what they were, my cousin shouts out to "use them on a long weekend"