Etc...

Miserable

Feeling like I don’t deserve to be here

the day i no longer have to be afraid of what i wear

what i’ll say

or who i’m with

the day i don’t fear verbal retribution

i’m not scared if you anymore

physically the bruises have faded

You get used to the insults

The bruises

You think it’s what you deserve

You’re told it what you deserve

So you stay

But it is so hard

Hearing everyday how I’m not good enough

How I never will be

I’m at that point again

No one sees it

No one will help me get better again

Not because you were good or kind

But because you were mean to me

The same way I was mean to myself

You told me every negative thing I said about myself was true

You made me feel small

It is passion and frenzy

Two souls merging into one

But it comes to an end

As all things do eventually

And suddenly the world is empty again

No love will ever compare

You’re left living a life with someone else

But we must remember

So I guess that makes it okay to you

That’s not completely true though is it

The worst wounds leave behind scars

And that’s what you did to me

You left behind the scar of broken trust

So that I will never believe a thing you say

Maybe it’s for the best

That scar serves as a reminder

That men lie as easily as they speak

Maybe that’s true

If it is I don’t think I want to know you

I wish I could take back what I do know

Time goes on but I will never forgive

Nor forget

So if it is true

And I no longer know you

Please don’t open up to me again

That also means I’ve learned what love is not

Love is not pure nor innocent

It is lies and half truths

Broken promises and things left unsaid

It is a man making you promises

Then never keeping a single one

It’s as simple as a hidden like or follow

A lust you hide from your partner and yourself

You claim to love me

Yet you speak to me like I’m nothing

I’m scared of what you’ll say if I leave

I can barely handle the daily put downs

If i left youd truly hate me

Drowning in the pool, not struggling to breathe, just unable to speak

Staring trying to speak but nothing coming out

Where did that come from

I loved a man once

I loved him innocently and completely

In every second we spent apart I felt his absence

When reunited I was fused to him

I was intoxicated in love

A mess of hands and lips and sadness and self loathing

Sadness and self loathing

For every girl you would message and photo you would like

Hours spent missing you and comparing myself to them

Wondering why I could not be enough to hold your attention

I loved you so completely that I stayed

I cried, I got angry, I got jealous, but I stayed

I stayed until I woke up one morning and realized

Loving you had cost me the love I had for myself

I lost every piece of self identity loving you, trying to be enough for a man who was never satisfied

But this is the world we live in

Filled with men who say they love you, but lust over the image of another

How disppointing

Every issue you called an insecurity

Ended up being a premonition