Jul 6
Why do I feel so broken yet ok at the same time? …
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Why do I feel so broken yet ok at the same time? …
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Today's suggested song is:
Broken Trust by Say3am and Staarz
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The pain in my chest comes and goes like waves against the shore, sometimes gentle, sometimes crashing hard enough to pull me under. There are days when we laugh together, share adventures, and for a little while everything feels almost normal. In those moments, I can almost forget.
But beneath it all, there is a volcano beneath my heart, always rumbling, always trying to protect me. No matter how much I want to, I cannot silence the part of me that no longer knows how to trust. Deep down, I know things are not the same, and perhaps they never will be.
I lost the other half of myself, and no matter how desperately I try to tape the pieces back together, they refuse to hold. Trust cannot be forced into existence. It has to be rebuilt slowly and carefully. I need you to show me that I can believe in you again. I need to feel that you want me, not just the comfort I bring, not just the safety of knowing I will stay.
The panic attacks remind me that none of this is a dream. The tightness in my chest, the struggle for breath, the dizzy flood of thoughts whispering that I am not enough, that I am not what you truly want.
So I lie awake in the darkness, tears slipping silently down my face as I toss and turn, haunted by fear and longing. Through all the pain and all the doubt, the only thing I want is you.
Cause Genuine Doesn't
Doubts niggle in,
That's what this is.
Genuine doubts and frustration
Because I don't want this,
Don't want the anger,
Or the dismissal.
Doubts niggle in deeply,
Because concerns were ignored,
Trust was broken,
In multiple many ways,
Trust was broken.
I'm so tired and frustrated,
Trust was destroyed,
Words ignored for assumptions,
Breakages cause by unspoken words,
Trust was destroyed,
By multiple people.
I don't want the bike,
Not everything it's showing,
Everything it now means.
I want to keep it there,
Want to find my way back to it,
Don't want it at all.
Trust was broken,
So can I prevent that happening?
Keep items and trust from here?
From the ones who did it?
Have distance from the bike
Until I can face it again?
Trust was broken
But can it be repaired?
What is genuine here?
You broke your promise to me. You destroyed the trust I had for you. You made me feel insignificant compared to everything else in your life. And you keep pushing past clear boundaries I've set. I've asked you to stop reaching out to me. And when you do, you expect what? You expect me to just ignore everything, open my arms to you and welcome you back into my life? You broke my heart. You brought us to this point. I tried to stay, but you made it clear I wasn't enough. I chose me. I walked away because you left me no other choice. I don't trust you. You completely shattered my heart. Please stop.