i'm proud of us.

Date someone who will date you

Those are some impossible standards to meet.

*sweeping heaps of debris into the path of the oncoming roomba* eat well, my son

If the ocean ever disappears DONT GO LOOKING FOR IT… go in the other direction

i know this sounds like a shitpost but isn’t this like, real advice regarding tsunamis

Yes this was about hurricane Irma it is not a shitpost

ocean not lost, ocean is actually winding up to kick you very hard in the nuts.

i pray my daughter never lays in bed late at night crying over a low life boy & wondering what she did so wrong

me: [facedown on the floor] listen everything is totally fine

Nothing will ruin your 20’s more than thinking you should have your life together already.

this.. is so hard… to keep in mind…

Trump withdrawing the White House invite from Steph Curry after he said he ain’t wanna go is like when a guy tries to talk to you and when you say no he says “fuck you bitch, you ugly anyway”.

E X A C T L Y

as a lesbian i have to be wary around writers bc their natural instinct to kill me might kick in at any time

Amazing sincerity unusually seen even for a business that is highly highly rare, not everyone wants to see the world burn.