shaneâs so fucking brave, man. where the fuck would they be if shane werenât so full of courage
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shaneâs so fucking brave, man. where the fuck would they be if shane werenât so full of courage

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i really think a lot of the long game conflict boils down to shane saying âhey iâm really scaredâ and ilya thinking âwell i took a meat cleaver to MY life in order to have a chance at happiness and i survived it so why the fuck canât you do the same for me??â while he grows paler and paler from blood loss and pointedly does NOT look at the ghost of his mother who appears in the rearview mirror of his porsche cayman gt4 and whispers for him to take his pregame cens v raiders nap in the garage with the engine running
Rookie Ilya asking Rookie Shane how much does he weight (how many pounds or kilograms) at the hotel gym and Shane tells him the number but he is like ???
AND THEN ILYA STARTS DOING WEIGHTED HIP THRUSTS WITH THE EXACT SAME WEIGHT THAT SHANE TOLD HIM AND HE IS ALL SWEATY AND JUST LOOKS AT SHANE AND GOES ;)
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I made this MONTHS ago but someone on TT asked if I had a tumblr and I was like... yes??? I actually do and I'm not using it to its full potentialđ

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YOU SEEM PRETTY SAD FOR A GIRL SO IN LOVE
interlocking fingers during the pin. holding hands during the pin. is driving me insane
I donât even go here but this is bout to make me fill out an enrollment form and show up with my lisa frank trapper keeper and pencil case.
every time I see this my brain immediately turns it into BatFam angst/fluff nonsense
the p o t e n t i a l
#lmao see my takeaway is that we should try to convince everybody#who tries to like awkwardly stick the bdsm stoplight system into ancient history and outerspace etc#to consider copying off how the pro wrestling circuit handles things--tags via whetstonefires
After the I love yous and the unexpected reveal to Shaneâs parents I think Ilya and Shane are both locked into like this unison inner monologue thatâs like:
âI will do my best for you I will do everything for you I will will be available for you Ready for you There for you Iâll be your rock Iâll do what you need and put you first and Iâll make sure to anticipate your needs before you say them Iâll make plans for you You wonât have to worry about a thingâ
BUT THIS COMES WITH:
âIâll minimize my needs for you Iâll make this good for you Iâll make sure this works for you I wonât make it hard for you I wonât make you feel like you owe me a debt but I will be indebted to you foreverâ
Their unison thesis statement:
âI will be my best self for you. No matter the cost. I will pay the cost with interest. Thereâs so much bad but we will be Good.â
ilya responds to ig q&a questions that say âwhats it like to be a fucking f*ggot?â with a picture of shane in a backwards cap and a white tshirt casually lifting the hem to wipe his mouth with one hand so his abs are exposed while heâs holding ilyas hand with the other, with the text âVERY AWESOME đđâ
I think Shane goes into the weeks at the cottage thinking that he knows what he's getting into. He knows that there will be emotions and he knows that having Ilya all to himself will be a heady sort of bliss that will be difficult to come out on the other side of unchanged. He knows that this is their time to be completely alone together and that it will change him fundimentally as a person. He knows that they are going to fuck on every conceivable horizontal surface in the damn place and some of the verticle ones too, and also that he might have to pretend that this whole thing isn't wish fulfillment of the highest degree. Like he didn't build this fortress of solitude in the Canadian wilderness and think to himself that maybe, someday, he could bring someone here. And he didn't look at the Ilya-shaped blank space where that person formed in his imagination. And he didn't buy this bed and touch himself in it while imagining--fuck, not even Ilya's dick or his mouth (although, yes, Ilya's dick and mouth) but just. Ilya's arms around him and Ilya's scent and Ilya's legs tangled with his own.
So he's prepared for what he thinks is going to happen because he's been falling into bed with Ilya Rozanov for the majority of his adult life and he thinks he knows what all of that means. Ilya has a sexual appetite that Shane prides himself on satisfying. They make the best of their limited clandestine time together to the tune of multiple rounds of sex most times they find themselves within 100 miles of each other. Boston and Montreal, yes, but also a handful of times in Vegas. Vermont, half a dozen times over half a dozen years. All Star weekends in Florida and California and fucking New Jersey. Brooklyn, once, because the stars aligned. Shane is very used to shoving two furtive fucks into the space of a handful of midnight hours.
So yes, the time that stretches before them is utterly gluttonous in comparison, and Shane knows that even two professional athletes in peak physical condition won't be able to set the kind of brutal pace they normally allow themselves for two entire weeks, but still. The sex will be hot--fucking unbelievably hot, and it will be nasty and it will be rough and it will be almost fucking constant.
And it is. They barely keep their hands off each other for the first day. Sitting down to play Chel with fucking clothes on is conceived as an attempt to be at least a little normal, as is kicking the soccer ball around. Shane is just a little turned on, constantly, and he would think there was something actually medically wrong with him if he didn't occasionally see Ilya tucking his erection more snugly into the waistband of his shorts. It feels insane. It feels like they are the only two people in the world and they're slowly burning each other up like the filament in a faulty lightbulb.
Then, it settles a little, and the first thing Shane notices about it is the sound of it.
Ilya's got him on his elbows and knees, just how he likes, and he's still open from the morning, and Ilya is tapping his dick on the small of Shane's back and saying Knock Knock and Shane is burying his face in the bedsheet and hiding his grin and telling Ilya that he's a fucking idiot.
"This is how you ask me for it?" Ilya replies. "Is this how my good boy asks to be fucked? No, I don't think so. Use your pretty words."
So Shane says, "Fuck," and then, "I want it. I want it so fucking bad. Please give it to me."
And Ilya taps his cockhead against Shane's hole and says, "This what you need, sweetheart?"
"Yes yes fuck please I need it I need it so fucking bad." Which is probably objectively false, because Shane has had it, repeatedly and good and whenever he fucking wants it, multiple times a day for the last 72 hours. Need probably flew out the window the second or third time Shane had the very routine thought of "I want to be sucking Ilya Rozanov's dick right now" and then realized that nothing was stopping him from doing so. Need has settled into a slow-burning, constant and pervasive want that is making it difficult to focus on his actual needs, like calories and REM cycles.
"Gonna give it to you," Ilya says. "Ask me again, one more time, ask nicely--"
"Please fuck me oh my God please fuck me--"
And Ilya is a hedonist. Shane knows this. He likes sugary foods and fast cars and beautiful people and filthy sex. He likes to have exactly what he wants when he wants it and he likes it to be given to him exactly how he asks. Shane has always, on a level that is crawling further and further to the surface of his being with every day spent alone with this man, been utterly smug that Ilya has never had to ask him twice for what he wants, once they're in bed together. Mostly because Ilya never asks and Shane always gives; has made a study of understanding that when Ilya quirks an eyebrow in a certain way he means Take Off Your Shirt. When Ilya taps his thigh in that certain spot it means Spread Your Legs. When Ilya puts a thumb against Shane's throat and just barely digs his nail into the tender swell of Shane's voice box it means Moan Pretty For Me Baby.
So Shane knows that Ilya takes his pleasure freely, and doesn't hold much back in the taking. This makes it all the stranger and lovelier when Ilya pops the head of his cock into Shane and releases the kind of raw, punched out sound that Shane has only heard from him on the ice. After a hard hit, when he has physically lost control of his ability to moderate his own sounds, the height of release, the height of wantonness, reeling with a punch. A stark, perfect moment of pure reaction.
"Oh, fuck," Ilya moans, in the silence created by Shane going utterly silent and almost completely still, lest he miss a single solitary detail of what's happening. "Uhn. Fuck, Shane."
"Yeah," Shane says, experimentally. "Oh, fuck. Fuck, baby, you feel so good."
"Fuck," Ilya snarls again, and it's like--it's like a fucking dam breaks, something that was built in Ilya's chest before Shane ever knew him, because it just does not stop. The sounds flowing out of him seem to do so without much or any express permission from his brain. He is gone, moaning almost inconsolably as he presses his entire body against the length of Shane's.
"Shane," he says, eventually, and doesn't stop. "Shane, Shane, fuck, SHANE--"
And Shane stops even understanding it as his own fucking name. Suddenly it's blasphemy, it's sacrament, it's a foreign fucking word that means something deliciously vulgar and it's a secret Ilya is keeping from him. It means I love you, and You are a perfect slut, and it means I will fucking ruin you.
And when he comes--God, when he comes. He tells Shane he's gonna give it to him and then he fucking does and every window in the room seems to shake with the power of his voice. Shane somehow feels every vibration of Ilya's vocal cords in his own toes. He barely understands that he's reaching his own calamitous orgasm before it's right there, sudden and stunning like a puck to the gut, and Ilya's voice is still in his ear, low and intense, stroking over his stomach and telling him, "So good, Shane. Let it go."
And because Ilya has set such a lovely example, Shane can't help but turn his head, all the better to be heard, and let it go.

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i am contemplating divorce fic but cannot think of the reason for divorce. if itâs cheating then i think it has to be shane cheating right. maybe not all the way fucking someone else but re: your idea that ilyaâs depression makes him push shane away so shane gets into a texting flirting one kiss thing so ilya just goes alright. divorce then. however if itâs not cheating then what is it? what would make it hurt to the max level of angst without just being a miscommunication/misunderstanding trope?
I have also been chewing on this all day. I donât have a firm answer I feel very convinced by but here is ONE possibility: I think Ilya lies about stuff. all the time. mostly lies of omission but some outright lies. he tells shane heâs going to therapy but actually he quit after the first session and now he just spends that hour driving around ottawa every week with his phone off so shane canât see his location. he lets shane think heâs cut his brother and stepmom and extended family off when actually heâs still talking to them, still sending them more money than he really should, still entangled in a messy ugly impossible-to-walk away-from dynamic that heâs embarrassed by and doesnât want shane (with his picture perfect family) to know about. he tells shane that svetaâs busy with work when actually they had a huge blowout fight over him leaving boston and giving up his career, his team, his friends for shane when shane gave up absolutely nothing for him, and ilya hasnât spoken to her since. and most of all he lies about how heâs feeling and whether heâs happy. I donât think ilya even thinks of it as lyingâitâs just keeping the peace. itâs pretending to be the guy shane thinks ilya is, the guy shane wants him to be, instead of the kinda fucked up asshole with baggage he really is. and I think the more ilya lies the more shane feels it, even if he canât like, pin down what heâs feeling. he knows thereâs stuff ilyaâs not telling him, and every time he finds out some random thing ilya didnât bother mentioning to him or catches ilya being evasive about something for seemingly no reason it gives shane this uneasy sense of like⌠what else is there? what arenât you telling me? why does it feel like Iâm never quite able to grab hold of you, all of you, and make you look me in the eye?
and I think all of this gets worse as ilya gets more depressed because then a whole lot of other things start going wrong, like heâs not as interested in sex or touch and thatâs always been their shared language, or he seems more closed off/distant in a way that activates lots of shaneâs old situationship/sochi ghosting era insecurities, yada yada. especially when theyâre still long distance and ilya is on his own a lot of the time I could just see shaneâs doubts slowly growing⌠idk you could have it just be a slow burn thing where the gulf between them slowly widens and shane starts feeling increasingly alone in the relationship and increasingly unsure of whether ilya still thinks this is worth it/still wants this. OR you could have shane misunderstand something and convince himself that ilyaâs hiding something from him (and itâs probably infidelity). and then he gets drunk and does something stupid and gets photographed doing it, and it turns into a whole huge painful intensely public thing (idk maybe shane gets outed and ilya doesnât in this scenario!). and then ilya just. doesnât even fight it. doesnât get furious in the way shane wants him to, so they can have it out once and for all. I think from ilyaâs perspective itâs like. heâs been expecting this. on some level he knew shane wasnât his to keep. and from shaneâs perspective itâs likeâI was right. he was bored with me, he was over it, he was just waiting for me to offer him an out.
This is tattooed on my brain now.
The relationship ends in early summer, so they're in mediation pretty much the whole off season. Ilya tries to give Shane everything.
"I moved into your house, Ilya, you should keep your house."
"I already have apartment. Is fine."
The money part is easier than anyone expects, considering they're both millionaires. They agree to split pretty much everything down the middle, shared accounts and assets, and keep their respective individual accounts for themselves. But some stuff is revealed as lawyers comb through their financial histories: all the money Ilya has given to his family, a secret account he set up specifically for that purpose. The mood in the room that day is tense, to say the least. Ilya tries to give Shane half of this account, too, and everything explodes. It's the only dirty, screaming throw down fight they have the whole summer. And then it's done.
The Centaurs don't know what to expect come pre-season. Some have tried to remain neutral (Wyatt, Troy), while others definitely picked their sides (Luca and Bood are team Cap, the rookies still worship Hollander). But everyone is on eggshells the first couple practices. They're primed for a bloodbath and they get a board meeting. Ilya and Shane are ruthlessly professional. They're polite, but not friendly with each other, they talk hockey and nothing else, they're eyes straight ahead at all times. It's bone chilling. But on the ice. On the ice together, nothing has changed. They're in sync, they're on pace, they're perfect. No one wants to acknowledge the collective sigh of relief from the bench when they win their first game out, the whole team feels like shit about it, but it's there. It's palpable.
Away from the ice, both Ilya and Shane leave the team on the table, so to speak. No to drinks after a win, conveniently busy every BBQ weekend. Shane spends most of his free time in Montreal with Hayden, a twisted black mirror of the early days when he lived in Montreal and went running off to Ilya Ottawa every chance he had. He doesn't mean to "get" the Pikes in the divorce, but they're the only people who feel even remotely like home without Ilya. After six months or so, Hayden introduces Shane to Jack, a brother of Jackie's friend new to the city, and they hit it off. And they get photographed.
"Will your new boyfriend be in stands tonight? Will he wear your jersey like good little WAG?"
"It's not like that, we're not-He's not my boyfriend."
"Hmm. Just sex then? Someone to fuck you? Is all you need."
"Fuck you, Rozanov."
They're curdling. Because have I mentioned that Divorced Ilya is also Deeply Depressed Ilya? He isn't in therapy. He isn't talking to Svetlana. Or Shane's parents, much as they try. He doesn't hang out with the team, even though he knows Shane won't be there. Because he knows Shane won't be there. He sits on his couch and stares at the TV. Maybe it's on. Maybe it's not. He curls his fingers in and out of fists, wondering why it feels like his hands aren't his, like he's looking at someone else's stubby nails, thick fingers, ring. He takes hits on the ice and feels them through a cushion, dull and muted. He focuses on Anya. Her fur is always soft. Her needs are non-negotiable.
She brings them back together. Maybe Shane planned it this way. He was always worried about Ilya, he knew Ilya would need Anya. He didn't fight for custody of her, she was all Ilya had wanted anyway. Instead, Shane said he didn't want to shuffle Anya back and forth, it would make her anxious and she never liked when they weren't in the same room, anyway. He wanted visits at Ilya's apartment, all of them together. He comes over at negotiated times, plays with Anya on the floor, takes her for runs, reads on the couch with her. And Ilya is there, too. He gets to watch Shane rub his nose in Anya's fur, listen to him give her soft commands in Russian, imperfect and atrociously accented. Sometimes Shane brings food for them both, watches Ilya eat it. Invites him on walks with them. Leaves his scent on Ilya's cushions, a sweatshirt he borrows. Eventually, his sheets.
They need to talk, they need to do the work. They need therapy, MY GOD. But love was never the issue. Shane only thought Ilya didn't love him anymore, and Ilya sunk into the fiction that he didn't deserve Shane's love anyway, that Shane was right to give it to someone else. But they're going to get there. This is their first and last year as a divorced couple.
truly every day is just. my entire kingdom for Shane Hollander. riding at dawn for Shane Hollander. battening down the hatches for Shane Hollander. sounding my barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world for Shane Hollander.
âMOON SONG, PHOEBE BRIDGERS
Shane: this is real though, right?
Ilya: fuckfuckfuck donât come yet christ he feels good oh my god whatâd he say oh wait yes yes this is real fuck heâs so beautiful yeah ok fuck gotta move make him feel so good gonna show him I love him love him so much fuck donât come donât come donât come
i am contemplating divorce fic but cannot think of the reason for divorce. if itâs cheating then i think it has to be shane cheating right. maybe not all the way fucking someone else but re: your idea that ilyaâs depression makes him push shane away so shane gets into a texting flirting one kiss thing so ilya just goes alright. divorce then. however if itâs not cheating then what is it? what would make it hurt to the max level of angst without just being a miscommunication/misunderstanding trope?
I have also been chewing on this all day. I donât have a firm answer I feel very convinced by but here is ONE possibility: I think Ilya lies about stuff. all the time. mostly lies of omission but some outright lies. he tells shane heâs going to therapy but actually he quit after the first session and now he just spends that hour driving around ottawa every week with his phone off so shane canât see his location. he lets shane think heâs cut his brother and stepmom and extended family off when actually heâs still talking to them, still sending them more money than he really should, still entangled in a messy ugly impossible-to-walk away-from dynamic that heâs embarrassed by and doesnât want shane (with his picture perfect family) to know about. he tells shane that svetaâs busy with work when actually they had a huge blowout fight over him leaving boston and giving up his career, his team, his friends for shane when shane gave up absolutely nothing for him, and ilya hasnât spoken to her since. and most of all he lies about how heâs feeling and whether heâs happy. I donât think ilya even thinks of it as lyingâitâs just keeping the peace. itâs pretending to be the guy shane thinks ilya is, the guy shane wants him to be, instead of the kinda fucked up asshole with baggage he really is. and I think the more ilya lies the more shane feels it, even if he canât like, pin down what heâs feeling. he knows thereâs stuff ilyaâs not telling him, and every time he finds out some random thing ilya didnât bother mentioning to him or catches ilya being evasive about something for seemingly no reason it gives shane this uneasy sense of like⌠what else is there? what arenât you telling me? why does it feel like Iâm never quite able to grab hold of you, all of you, and make you look me in the eye?
and I think all of this gets worse as ilya gets more depressed because then a whole lot of other things start going wrong, like heâs not as interested in sex or touch and thatâs always been their shared language, or he seems more closed off/distant in a way that activates lots of shaneâs old situationship/sochi ghosting era insecurities, yada yada. especially when theyâre still long distance and ilya is on his own a lot of the time I could just see shaneâs doubts slowly growing⌠idk you could have it just be a slow burn thing where the gulf between them slowly widens and shane starts feeling increasingly alone in the relationship and increasingly unsure of whether ilya still thinks this is worth it/still wants this. OR you could have shane misunderstand something and convince himself that ilyaâs hiding something from him (and itâs probably infidelity). and then he gets drunk and does something stupid and gets photographed doing it, and it turns into a whole huge painful intensely public thing (idk maybe shane gets outed and ilya doesnât in this scenario!). and then ilya just. doesnât even fight it. doesnât get furious in the way shane wants him to, so they can have it out once and for all. I think from ilyaâs perspective itâs like. heâs been expecting this. on some level he knew shane wasnât his to keep. and from shaneâs perspective itâs likeâI was right. he was bored with me, he was over it, he was just waiting for me to offer him an out.
This is tattooed on my brain now.
The relationship ends in early summer, so they're in mediation pretty much the whole off season. Ilya tries to give Shane everything.
"I moved into your house, Ilya, you should keep your house."
"I already have apartment. Is fine."
The money part is easier than anyone expects, considering they're both millionaires. They agree to split pretty much everything down the middle, shared accounts and assets, and keep their respective individual accounts for themselves. But some stuff is revealed as lawyers comb through their financial histories: all the money Ilya has given to his family, a secret account he set up specifically for that purpose. The mood in the room that day is tense, to say the least. Ilya tries to give Shane half of this account, too, and everything explodes. It's the only dirty, screaming throw down fight they have the whole summer. And then it's done.
The Centaurs don't know what to expect come pre-season. Some have tried to remain neutral (Wyatt, Troy), while others definitely picked their sides (Luca and Bood are team Cap, the rookies still worship Hollander). But everyone is on eggshells the first couple practices. They're primed for a bloodbath and they get a board meeting. Ilya and Shane are ruthlessly professional. They're polite, but not friendly with each other, they talk hockey and nothing else, they're eyes straight ahead at all times. It's bone chilling. But on the ice. On the ice together, nothing has changed. They're in sync, they're on pace, they're perfect. No one wants to acknowledge the collective sigh of relief from the bench when they win their first game out, the whole team feels like shit about it, but it's there. It's palpable.
Away from the ice, both Ilya and Shane leave the team on the table, so to speak. No to drinks after a win, conveniently busy every BBQ weekend. Shane spends most of his free time in Montreal with Hayden, a twisted black mirror of the early days when he lived in Montreal and went running off to Ilya Ottawa every chance he had. He doesn't mean to "get" the Pikes in the divorce, but they're the only people who feel even remotely like home without Ilya. After six months or so, Hayden introduces Shane to Jack, a brother of Jackie's friend new to the city, and they hit it off. And they get photographed.
"Will your new boyfriend be in stands tonight? Will he wear your jersey like good little WAG?"
"It's not like that, we're not-He's not my boyfriend."
"Hmm. Just sex then? Someone to fuck you? Is all you need."
"Fuck you, Rozanov."
They're curdling. Because have I mentioned that Divorced Ilya is also Deeply Depressed Ilya? He isn't in therapy. He isn't talking to Svetlana. Or Shane's parents, much as they try. He doesn't hang out with the team, even though he knows Shane won't be there. Because he knows Shane won't be there. He sits on his couch and stares at the TV. Maybe it's on. Maybe it's not. He curls his fingers in and out of fists, wondering why it feels like his hands aren't his, like he's looking at someone else's stubby nails, thick fingers, ring. He takes hits on the ice and feels them through a cushion, dull and muted. He focuses on Anya. Her fur is always soft. Her needs are non-negotiable.
She brings them back together. Maybe Shane planned it this way. He was always worried about Ilya, he knew Ilya would need Anya. He didn't fight for custody of her, she was all Ilya had wanted anyway. Instead, Shane said he didn't want to shuffle Anya back and forth, it would make her anxious and she never liked when they weren't in the same room, anyway. He wanted visits at Ilya's apartment, all of them together. He comes over at negotiated times, plays with Anya on the floor, takes her for runs, reads on the couch with her. And Ilya is there, too. He gets to watch Shane rub his nose in Anya's fur, listen to him give her soft commands in Russian, imperfect and atrociously accented. Sometimes Shane brings food for them both, watches Ilya eat it. Invites him on walks with them. Leaves his scent on Ilya's cushions, a sweatshirt he borrows. Eventually, his sheets.
They need to talk, they need to do the work. They need therapy, MY GOD. But love was never the issue. Shane only thought Ilya didn't love him anymore, and Ilya sunk into the fiction that he didn't deserve Shane's love anyway, that Shane was right to give it to someone else. But they're going to get there. This is their first and last year as a divorced couple.

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Shane and Ilya met one day at the age of 17 and tacitly decided they would never be normal about any of it.