brimstone in my garden

“lux!” she smiled at the other girl. 7rophy was a fellow company girl group, so it wasn’t that much of a shock that lux had heard her album. it didn’t meant she didn’t enjoy the praise. “well, thank you and i did.” every album or song she touched had come from ton of planning. “oh sure.” she set her sack of albums down on the table near her and sat down in the second chair. “nah, not much. i still have some time before i go on and i wanted to get the passing of the albums out of the way.” once she performed, she normally stayed in her dressing room until it was time to announce the winners. “has it been a busy promotion period for you?”

"that's good of you, honestly." passing out albums had never been Lux's favorite thing - it seemed somehow pretentious when you weren't familiar with the other idol, and when 7rophy were a younger, rookier group they got the distinct impression a fair few of the albums had found their way to the trash bin.

"ah, not as busy as i'd like. you'd think after queendom that our company would want to promote lion more, but we're only barely doing music shows. i've never liked the other trappings, but the song deserves better and so do my girls." lux vented, pulling at the ring they wore on their middle finger. "at least the song's doing well. probably better than dimensions counted on." they said ruefully. they had never enjoyed the lack of faith dimensions seemingly had in them. their songs never failed to chart well.

one month. the song’s were completed and they’d film the music videos this week. and now it was time to put the feelers out for the album. he had chosen a pretty simple restaurant  for this, the place wasn’t too busy and it did pretty good at making sure the people who entered didn’t fawn or interrupt idols. something he was thankful for. “hey” he looked up when he saw a shadow pass, nodding his head at the fellow idol who joined him. 

“we’ll be here for a bit, so order whatever you want.” he grinned, plugging his earphones into his phone and offering a one of the earbuds to the other. “we finally have the entire album completed and i want to get some feedback before it comes out.” and then he saw one of the waiters and waved them over. “like i said, whatever you want.”

san had a reputation for being a relatively kind senior, so milk hadn’t thought twice before accepting his offer. they wouldn’t lie, though, they were also curious. what kind of music had he written? was it objectively good? was it to their taste? they were different, after all - most of lucid’s brighter comebacks weren’t especially to their taste, but they could at least recognize the artistic merit they had. it did make them happier than ever, however, to have such a hand in their own group's releases.

"thanks," they said, taking a seat and ordering a black coffee and mandu.  then, taking the offerred earbud, they nodded. "i'm excited to hear it." not that their face gave any such indication. "i've liked your style so far."

to say that lux was feeling less than stellar was an understatement. they'd been replaying the phone call in their head for the past two days, mulling over the smaller details. the malice in new's voice. the judgement from someone who literally confessed he didn't know them. the news.

they had yet to share the information with anyone, keeping it to themselves for the time being. they didn't know how to bring it up, even if they'd wanted to. they had little desire to deal with the pity and condolences they were sure they would receive should it become common knowledge. he wasn't dead. it was no one else's business.

sleep was unappealing and nearly impossible between the harsh internal monologue and the party happening on the ship. what was so special about the new year, anyway? if you didn't change, no amount of new calendars could possibly enact a fresh start.

they eventually came across a familiar face - a sister of sorts. "not feeling it tonight, huh?" they questioned, speaking rather more quietly than usual so they wouldn't be overheard. "me too."

the coming year

lux isn’t really the type to put together an itemized to-do list for next year, but there are some things she wants work on in 2021, most notably themselves.

wc: 658

mentions: their family, eunah, noeul, and keiko.

tws: allusions to their father’s situation (nothing remotely candid)

a call from home

summary: milk gets a call from their brother who has a bone to pick at first, and then delivers bad news.  word count: 700+ tws: illness, parent illness, hospitalization, brief slut shaming

it was only just past noon when milk’s phone rang. they were fortunate enough to be taking a beat in the washroom, so they felt alone enough to answer it, noting the familiar area code. it was definitely from thailand.

“hello?” they answered in thai.

“milk?” the voice on the other end was unplaceable. it sounded somehow juvenile, but it was deep enough that they’d believe it if they were told it was an adult on the other end.

“yes, who’s calling?” they questioned, picking at their bottom lip.

“it’s new. it’s your brother. you seriously didn’t know?” the voice sounds agitated and far older than new’s… he had to think about it, but he’d be fourteen by now, right? they were pretty sure of it.

“i’m sorry. last time you called me you were eleven, remember?” they shrug, though they feel a little guilty at just how unfamiliar the voice was. was it really possible he’d grown that much? it seemed nuts, but they hadn’t really been keeping up, had they?

“right, and whose fault is that, milk? huh?” agitation turned to aggression and milk felt their own temper flare.

“the phone works two ways. i know it’s your name, but don’t act brand new.” they rolled their eyes, biting back a harsher elaboration.

“whatever.” it’s an irritating word that immediately gets under their skin. “i should have known you’d be like this.”

“like what? you called me to yell at me. did you think i’d be shitting daisies about it?” they asked, somewhat genuine in their confusion at the very least.

“like you don’t deserve it? mom’s barely keeping food on the table and dad can’t exactly help.” there’s a sniffle. was he crying? now that they thought about it, hadn’t his voice become more hoarse, too? “i know you’re riding korean dick or whatever, but you don’t get to just abandon us. fuck you for trying.” there was rage in his tone, as if he was trying to hurt her with just his words. that wasn’t their main concern, though, nor was the insult.

“…what are you talking about?” their throat constricted in panic. “new, what’s wrong with dad?” the other end of the line was silent a second too long and milk clenched their jaw. “talk to me. now.”

“she didn’t tell you.” was all the voice on the other end could seem to muster up.

“no. tell me.” they brought their knees in toward their chest and took a breath. “what’s wrong with dad? i need you to tell me.”

new took a shaky breath in before he spoke. “he… he had an issue in june. a stroke. milky, he can’t move. he’s starting to talk again, but it’s slow and i can tell he gets frustrated. mom is running herself ragged trying to get all the bills paid.”

it was shock combined with terror. their father was paralyzed? their mother had said nothing? what the fuck.

“are you there?”

“i’m here,” they assured. “i’m sorry, just processing. is he in physical therapy?”

“barely. his insurance was through work. he can’t work anymore.”

“they can’t just drop his insurance like that. that has to be illegal.”

“well, they did. it’s not like we have money to take it to court anyway.” new pointed out, sighing.

“i’m going to send money. as much as i can, okay?” determination balled their fists again. “i want you to make sure it goes into mom’s account. i can’t come home just yet, and i’m sorry, but as soon as i can, i’m going to make things better. i promise.”

“okay. just… i don’t know why mom didn’t tell you. i thought… i mean, you’re rich now, right? why wouldn’t she reach out as soon as he needed help?”

“not as rich as you might think, but… i don’t know. i would never have said no, not even if it meant being poor myself, you know that, right?”

“well, no. not really. it’s not like we know each other. i only know you from tv.” he pointed out, and though the realization hurt, milk couldn’t argue.

“…i’m sorry.” was all they could muster up. “I’ll send money soon, okay? don’t forget to make sure it hits her account.”

identity series part 1: gender

summary: milk discovers they/them pronouns and finds a place. (spoiler: they now use they/she) word count: 452 tws: mild transphobia, only in one line and relatively vague.

milk was relieved she and eunah had managed to get a room together, but oh it limited her time to get things ready. she'd more or less bribed a staff member to watch the door while she set up eunah's gifts.

there were the playbills, of course - phantom of the opera signed by sarah brightman and ramin karimloo and catch me if you can signed by kim jeonghoon. a blanket, just because she thought blankets were a nice gift to give, and by far the most interesting object. milk's laptop sat in the middle of the bed, closed but on. naturally, the laptop itself wasn't the gift. sooner than she would have liked, the staff member kicked the door in warning and she heard one set of footsteps leave as another approached.

she was always formal, even more formal with people outside of her company. even in the company, rina was pretty sure she was only really comfortable with her group members. industry interactions always tended to set her edge.

which was why she cared so much now, even if the other seemed cool about it. you never knew what people really thought. “if you’re sure.” rina muttered it, still planning on a way to get the money back to the other woman. “playing it forward, doesn’t seem like it’s too hard to do.” in fact, it was a very easy thing. at the compliment, she ducked her head with a nod. “i could at the very least give you a ride to whenever you need to go.”

it was clear at this point that the girl wasn’t simply going to let this go. fine. lux would concede, if only so the junior idol would be able to pay her imagined debt. “sure, that sounds nice actually. i was just headed-” oh. a fault in her brilliant plan; she’d thought she might stop off at home to check on crys, her and eunah’s beloved pet cat. she wasn’t exactly trying to give out her home address to strangers, regardless of how harmless they seemed. 

“ah, i was headed to the dimensions practice rooms. i’ve never been as good a dancer as our leader, but i really want to give it my all for this project we’re doing.” it wasn’t a lie, really. queendom had thus far acknowledged her creative role in the group, and flopping now would be an embarrassment to herself and her girls. 

this time her album promotions felt a little special. kami was still coming off her concert high and this was a sort of tradition. it was felt a little strange to do it when she was only promoting for a week or just promoting a single. but this was different, not a full album  but she had a mini-album and that meant she had something to promote and hand out. it wasn’t something gal.actic did at this point, they were the seniors but as a solo artist, it was something she loved to do.

because she loved making connections. passing out an album helped make a connection and it helped get her music out. blunt but it was her after all. those thoughts lead her to the current idol dressing room. seeing as the door was already open, kami knocked and stepped into the doorway. “hello, i’m kami.” she didn’t doubt that they didn’t know or good things at least. “and i’m here to promote my most recent mini.” with that, she produced it, an already signed copy to save time.

lux’s eyes darted from the sheet of paper in front of her, filled with phrases. ideas. it was no secret that she fought to maintain her newly claimed role of performer-producer for her group, but it had never been uncommon to see the thai idol nose-ward in a lyric journal, nose smudged with pencil lead.

“kami sunbaenim.” it wasn’t a greeting so much as an acknowledgement, but it wasn’t unfriendly. “thank you. i’ve heard it already, of course. it seems like you put a lot into it. you should be proud.” she stood, assuming that was the more polite thing to do. “you can sit if you’d like,” she offered, gesturing toward the second chair by the table she’d been sitting at. “you’re probably busy, though, i understand.”

starter for @fmdxlux​

“i’m feeling great. i’m feeling really good.” jiwon started as she buzzes around in the waiting area. it was rare for jiwon to be so energetic off stage during promotions periods. she was someone who put her everything into her performances, leaving nothing left over. “i want to do something big like a cartwheel or something, but i feel like i’m a bit too big to just be throwing my body around and hoping for the best.” she chuckled. it was rare for jiwon to indulge in her childlike antics, especially as one of the older members of 7rophy. she had a different type of bond with each of the younger members, and she cherished the 98 line a lot. 

“lion is so good that i think i just might attempt to do something like that.” she looked at lux, who happened to be the closest member to her. “are you up for receiving a letter from me proclaiming my love for it?” she asked with a smile, well aware of how strange she was behaving compared to other comebacks. her reformed views on life and her career had made everything seemed brighter. “also, am i being too much? i’m not really used to feeling like this, but it’s been so long i’ve felt like this about a comeback, but i can tone it down if i am.”

milk pressed her lips together, attempting to hide her amused smile. jiwon’s excitement was infectious. “you’re being cute.” her tone was curt, but her face betrayed fondness toward her elder. “if you do that, stretch first. can’t have you out of commission, you know.” it was half a joke - she didn’t expect jiwon to do something quite so silly, prepared or no. 

as friendly as suwei was she didn’t know everyone under dimensions. it was a big company and not everyone wanted to make friends. and she knew this. she respected this. lux fell under the group of people she truly didn’t know. they’ve never been in the same room long enough to get to know each other. she was aware that lux was friends with jaein. and she also knew that with jeonghwa’s huge personality it was hard for people to not know who she was. but just because you were friends with her group member didn’t mean you were automatically her friend. she let you decide if you wanted to be her friend.

“okay.” she said surprised by how blunt the older woman was. she took her hand waiting for the older women to start.

lux turned to face suwei, pleased to note the girl was a bit shorter than she was - if they were going to bother, after all, the aesthetics should be on point. she fixed their hands into a more graceful position and put one hand on suwei’s waist lightly. upon a little more thought, she shook her head ever so slightly.

suwei felt like a princess. and growing up she always did, because in her parents' eyes she was a princess. or at least their princess. but in her ball gown and mask she felt like a real princess from a fairytale on her way to the ball to meet her prince charming. she stood out in the garden listening to the music from the main room filter out. the sounds of the orchestra made her want to dance.

it was quite out in the garden until it wasn’t. an unsuspecting person was walking by. she stopped them as they approached her. “you wouldn’t happen to know how to dance?” and by dance she meant slow dance. it seemed the right thing to do in the garden dressed up in her gown with the sounds of the orchestra flitting through the air.

lux didn’t take any particular interest in dimensions’ other artists, at least not by virtue of being under the same company. still, she was loosely (if distantly) friendly with jaein from their time training together and jeonghwa was the sort to command attention, so by extension she vaguely knew of all six of lucid’s members, though she didn’t have much of an opinion on the four she was less familiar with.

#fmdhalloween2020 // open starter!

there’s something undeniably strange about one of ash’s first schedules since returning from his health hiatus being a party. company-hosted parties like this one never really live up to the name of a party, but the social atmosphere sets him on edge anyway. though he’s trained himself to rub elbows like a good idol should, situations like this have never come very naturally to him. he’s not entirely sure if he’s supposed to network with the hotshots on the guest list or seek out the few friends he has in attendance. it doesn’t help that the number of people he could comfortably call his friend is now noticeably lower than it had been two months ago.

luckily, he’s been given a life raft in the form of the scavenger hunt, so once anxiety begins to creep up on him, he excuses himself silently from the main ballroom to a hallway and surveys his options for less-crowded locations of the event. it’s then he catches the eye of another party-goer (ball-goer?) for long enough that he’s trapped himself into greeting them unless he wants to make things awkward.

“hey, found any of the white pumpkins yet? scavenger hunts aren’t usually my thing, but a free trip doesn’t sound so bad. or are you more of an escape room person?”

company-hosted parties are stupid. too many people, - all idols and staff, of course, so f a r louder than it should be - limited substances, and the ever-present encouragement to act like any of them actually want to be there. that it was a halloween party was a misfortune - halloween was cool. there was something appealing about dressing up as someone else, especially when it wasn’t the person dimensions wanted her to portray. if it were a simple halloween party without managers and others watching closely, she might have been persuaded to be happy to go. as it was, though, lux would have preferred to be smoking a bowl in front of her keyboard, tinkering with the song she’d been working on. 

she doesn’t particularly want to be in the ballroom, the garden is far too fanciful for her mood, so it’s the guise of participating in the scavenger hunt that saves her in the end. she’s not exactly seeking out a conversation, but one person is better than the hundred-odd others, so she sucks it up.

“not yet - can’t say i’m really looking, though. what about you?” she questions, tone neutral. “the escape room, heh... not really my thing, either. i don’t like feeling trapped.” she was in the wrong industry, then, wasn’t she? “i might do the hedge maze later, but i just kind of wanted a little time away from... well, you know. that.” she gestures toward the way ash had come, imagining he’d get the gist. after all, he was something of a solitary type from the little she knew of him, though if it was true he was infinitely better at pretending otherwise than she was. “it’s just a little much for me.”

aesthetic 006: halloween 2020

sleeping beauty

Jude turned around, wondering where he was. Sure, he could have blamed alcohol, but there was not a single drop in his system. No, the exhaustion was solely due to the frequent promoting he had endured at the hands of Gold Star Media, who seemed to think back to back comebacks were a great idea. He had spent twenty minutes complaining on the phone to his mom last night while she had just agreed and told him he needed to nap more. Admittedly, she probably did not think he was going to do so in front of a random doorway. 

Jude did not expect to fall backwards into the shoes of some asshole that opened the damn door. He said about twelve different swear words before he finally opened his eyes, staring up at a familiar face. “Hey. Are you gonna keep fucking staring or help me up?” He was grumpy from his easily disrupted nap. “Least you can do,” he muttered. “If you break me before I have to go back to the states, you will never hear the end of it.”

Milk had only been in for a moment, stopping into the building to... Well, it was stupid, but she’d been dropping off an anonymous gift for a Gold Star idol. It wasn’t like she didn’t have the opportunity to give it in person if she’d really wanted, she guessed, but it was really more about the idol getting the gift than anything. Plus, the interaction would have been awkward - Lux never quite knew what to do when someone was enthusiastic. She’d intended to just leave the gift in the lobby and exit through the front door, but the sudden arrival of far too many people made that an unattractive option. Instead, she’d simply fled the lobby, intending to maybe find the roof and hang out somewhere a little less claustrophobic for a bit. 

To say she was startled when some weirdo fell at her feet. It wa practically a jumpscare and she startled back, hissing out a curse of her own in Thai. When the shock wore off, however, it was replaced with fury. Who the hell did this guy even think he was? Even if in the moment she’d recognized him as the Origin member he was, it was hard to say she’d be less harsh. “The least I can do? You’re lucky I don’t kick you with that attitude. Who talks to people like that? You jumped out at me. I didn’t do anything to you.”