cerebral

my personal state, as well as jongsu’s schedule and plot call concepts will be listed below with headers.

“just sticking around,” a barest form of a laughter mixed with the shallow huff of her chest coddles the mumble,  and it’s here she diverts her gaze back up to the blank ceiling. “you’re here for the ride till the ride stops, and you’ll get off once all the passengers leave at the start of the next cue…” she lets her words trail off. dim itself till it gets swallowed up by the silence between — after all, there’s no other way to tell someone the future’s predetermined (spoiler: her friendship’s overrated, and he’ll leave. just like all her friends do). 

no time to chew on her internal monologue, it’s fleeting and she’s only ever been a quick adaptor knowing when to reel her words back up for a blase pass of simple movements — a complete forty-five degrees pivot of legs slung over the arm of the couch, head to his lap and arms that rest easy over her chest. 

it’s then when the words that leave her bashed with curiosity. a slight shift of her head, and a single brow arched — it’s the unwavering warzone of deadly stares that break with his averted gaze. “are you drunk — you’re starting to sound like alex now.” dry laughter ensues with the ends of her lips furling back into the same smile she started with. “i’m only kidding. you know i’m a walking doormat. you can walk through and ask for my open arms at anytime. i’ll welcome you each time you stumble upon my apartment, which is ironic — because we’re at yours. but you know what i mean — i can take care of you, that’s what friends are for. right? but you should know better by now.. i’m my own caretaker. i like taking care of myself. it’s easier.”

“if there’s one thing i’m good at, it’s not changing.” a self-depreciating edge that might give away the pessimistic view breathes into his words without his meaning to. thoughts back as far as being a teenager, unable to grow or be a mature person, the kind of person that his family needed. losing nari,his best friend, the most important person to him. all of that came from him, and since then had he really changed? other than taking on her dream for his own, was it any different in reality? he felt the same. the same worthless man who was always just a little too late.

things feel like sinking, water over his senses when realization of what he really said sinks in. years of friendship mean he’s gotten too comfortable, clearly. he wants to take it back but it’s out in the air. and not wrong, either. just too much— way too much. the mention of alex is a much needed cold splash of reality. “ah, alex.” he doesn’t believe she’s kidding, but if she were, the damage is still done. “i guess you have many people at your side.” that much is sadly true. “of course i’ll be there too.” he lumps himself together and takes the out.

her words shouldn’t hurt but they feel like ugly poison. “friends. yes. but i don’t need you to take care of me.” he stares at her smile. “i won’t stumble to you.” his pride makes him say that part.

her words sink in and he takes a moment to try to rectify the situation, something dark has been blooming in his chest since he said the words, and now he’s afraid if he doesn’t right them, things will entirely flip upside down. “taking care of yourself is one thing but sometimes you let it go too far. even if there’s people who will be there for you when you need help, you never let them.” jongsu knows it’s the cheap and easy way out but it’s the way he takes. “that’s all i meant. remember that i’m one of your people, and you can rely on me.” 

Reassurance, stability. He provides the qualities of what a good home would be like and she basks in the care he’s extended to her (mostly because she doesn’t know how long it’ll last but also because she’s been missing something of a safe place to fall back on.) An anchor which keeps her grounded should she fly too close to the sun, but unlike other anchors she’s been weighed down by, on the contrary she feels freer with his presence. It’s peculiar but that’s how she seems to function around him.

“My hero! I knew I could count on you.” Humor seeps into the conversation like it was second nature, and for Charlie maybe it was. There’s a short moment of melancholy, so short you’d miss it if you blinked but she picks up on it and then moves on. Because it is what Jongsu does, so it is what she’ll do. Leaning conspicuously onto the table, eyes wide with a sense of urgency. “But are you sure though? I can get someone else to haul my ass back home, you don’t have to babysit me.”

            their incidental relationship felt better than it should have. being able to trust in her after these years and knowing that she’s still here? a chaotic feeling, like trying to contain a nuclear star between his ribs. if she thinks she can read him so easily it’s because she’s earned it. resilience, to jongsu, is a rare trait. being able to withstand him is a chore most people never complete. he stares at her after her comment, realizing how strange it is that she can say it so easily, and that he believes her even more. “i don’t know about that,” he tries to sound lighthearted, failing a bit in a way that he knows she probably heard. he eats another bite of food to fill that void. “you’re a good roommate, most of the time.” he teases her. “you’re here because without me, you’d have to do your own household chores, and that doesn’t sound fun.” he chuckles.

“how kind of you to write off my birthday like that.” she tosses back the joke, setting the glass inside her hand back off to the side. “probably doesn’t feel like my birthday because the last time we celebrated my birthday, there were lots of people. we had cake, music and boxes of alcohol” her words slur together, and it feels like drunkenness becomes a one-way street where it’s only tunnel vision floating through her mind. “and now — i’ve planned my real birthday this year. me and pickle sitting down where she licks the salty tears as i sing to an empty wine bottle.” the last fraction of the statement breaks with the huff of laughter easing the brute realities of what picture she paints for herself. but she’s accepted her fate — accepted it for what it’s worth, face value or not.

minjung tilts her head, casts her gaze over to the boy, and lets it linger with nothing more than a haphazard smile that droops across her face. perhaps, it’s an effect of memories she’s stowed away that draws her into a state of limbo — memories that bring out pieces of youth in revolt embodied in the friendship trio. “i love you, jongsu,” her voice hits a few notches higher, and her smile perches high. each word she means, and it comes steadied in her voice. “you’re a pretty peach that never fails to be my voice of reason — you’ve seen me through it all. through all the anti-hate, jaehwa, and every single one of my exes. and all i can ask is, how are you still friends with me despite it all?” 

years hadn’t stopped them from growing apart, relationships changing around them, their careers evolving, jongsu’s mental health falling apart— not mentioning everything. there were chance over time for things to go astray and yet— jongsu smiled at her partially ambivalent shine, alcohol swirling in her glass like a whirlpool and knows, without questioning, there’s more to her words than she lets on. what could go through her mind? it’s a question that drives him to insanity sometimes. their friendship withstands it all. it will continue to endure. no heartbreak, no confusion within his own heart, will change that. he doesn’t ask what she didn’t say. he doesn’t ask why that dark humor feels heavier than usual right now. he just laughs, “huh, your ‘real’ birthday. because your time with me isn’t real.” he matches her tone.

the first time things hurt, his fingers slowly transition into a fist as he watches minjung become comfortable, too comfortable, with her lips fastened into heart-shaped smiles at another man. the next he’s considering guzzling down enough to get drunk— something that in reality should be terrifying in how unlike him it is— because he can’t stand the sight of his best friends being happier together than they were when he was there. especially minjung. that particular ‘especially’ hurts. it hurts his pride and it poisons his conscience. 

her words shoot electricity down his spine. he’s heard them before but every time it hits. this time, with them alone in his apartment, they impact even harder. he doesn’t dare reply. he’s too shocked to do anything other than stare. how does her smile do that? she makes it easier for him, probably unintentionally, by shifting the conversation to himself. the electricity wears off and all that’s left behind is scorched and hot. he feels out of breath but it’s easier to focus. “i’m not-” the more her words make sense the less sense they make. he makes sense of them slowly, staring at her with his heart racing from her former words and knows that he shouldn’t behave this way, feel this way. he shakes his head to clear his mind and hopefully set right her meaning. “i’m not all that great. i just stick around that’s all.” he wished she wouldn’t bring up jaehwa anymore. he tightens his shoulders and his mouth when he finally comes to the logical conclusions of what she’s asking and implying. “you’re not a chore or someone i can throw away. it doesn’t need to be easy. i’m at your side because that’s where i’ve always been, and it’s where i’ll always be. i’ll always be the one at your side.” 

how much he means that, scares him.

her brow raises slightly, feet coming to a stop at the unfamiliar sight of a back crouched over the keys, plucking a melancholic tune from his fingertips.

“nice song.” she completely disregards his apology, thinking it entirely unnecessary to acknowledge such an apology. “who are you apologising to? a ghost?” her fingers glide over the keys of the piano with a loving touch, a delighted hum leaving her lips as her fingers press against the keys and a merry tone in major rings out, perforating her view with a lovely hue of a muted golden yellow. “there’s nothing to be sorry about if the song is something you’re apologising for. its nice.” another chord rings out on her piano as she absentmindedly as she spares herself a vague glance at the male beside her.

“don’t think i’ve seen you before, because i would have liked to make friends with you just based on how well you play the piano.” she muttered, letting her fingers flow from one note to the next, randomly composing a little piece right on the spot. “i’m sia. you are?” the lack of her own capability to understand emotions–the dissociation from it made her completely oblivious to the heavy smile upon the other’s face, almost blased as she glanced down at the piano chair as though it was more important than the feelings of the other, politely letting the corners of her mouth turn up into what she hoped was a preferable smile. “do you mind me sitting here with you?”

the tips of his ears grow red, highs of his cheekbones heat up beneath his mask, and he peals out an embarrassed laugh. a little sound that is lower pitched than his natural speaking voice. “it’s- it isn’t a song.” he lies, plastering on a smile, “it’s- well, it’s really more of a, melody, really. nothing really,” he chuckles again, a second bubble and taps on a key at the end like a shrill punctuation, a plea to himself to stop. his stomach hurts, dismissing this particular song as less than it is feels wrong. all of it feels wrong, but what can he do. her words dart into his heart, pin prick of accuracy that he knows she didn’t realize, couldn’t have, and he is glad his mask helps to hide his shock of discomfort. “it’s was out of habit,” he clarifies.

his pupils take in her familiar keyboard caress similar to his own and he feels naturally that she is just as at home with this instrument as he is. his lips mold into a short smirk at the quick key press. “it was more of an apology from forgetting i’m at a party. playing here like i’m all alone when i’m not. forgot myself for a moment.” he slides ever so slightly to make room for her as she casts the seat a look.

the piece she plays relaxes him. like knowing he’s safe with someone, it’s a feeling he can’t explain. just as easily as she played the keys, she seemingly ignored the mood he was having difficulty hiding. it’s a express permission as she makes it easy for him to be himself. “sia- hi.” he gives the name a once over but can’t decide where he knows it. or if he does. “im jongsu, i don’t get out much,” this he says more lightly than any words before. trying desperately to ignore his stomach ache and cling to the present rather than slip into the past as he had been doing. “well, not unless i have to.”

𝗙𝗢𝗥: @fmdminjung.

𝗗𝗘𝗧𝗔𝗜𝗟𝗦: november*.

          it was tricky to ask for his roommate to leave the house for most of the night. not only because they rarely got in each other’s way as it was, not to mention avoiding the questions or having to explain himself. but there’s levels to it. the simple fact that he has to think to himself why he wanted it alone in the first place. when it would suffice to spend the time with both women, who were friendly to his knowledge. why he had needed it to be just him and minjung. there’s no way to explain (no good way) no way to make sense of it all. it would mean unpackaging the weight of guilt that had been retrogressing inside of him. why it mattered at all was too much to acknowledge.

             he organizes himself into a comfortable space next to minjung. it was quieter without charlie to be here raising the spirits. with just himself and minjung, it relied heavily on the both of them. which meant, it relied heavily on her. he found himself feeling reserved, content to just kick back and watch her, drinking and earned relaxation. the years they had become so functional, hardly an effort required to be happy together. when was the last time he could be happy with just her, without their mutual friends around (jaehwa comes to mind, an image that he can feel judging his intention. perhaps it’s the guilt that makes him imagine it) he tries to bring his focus back to her, leaning back into the couch cushions and uncrossing his ankle to stretch out. “i can’t help but feel like, even though it’s nearly your birthday, it’s me who’s getting the gift.” he teases, “since we haven’t been alone in so long i hardly remember what it’s like to talk to you. other than to watch your back headed for the door.”

𝗙𝗢𝗥: @fmdartemisia​.

𝗗𝗘𝗧𝗔𝗜𝗟𝗦: halloween2020 event thread.

when jongsu comes around, it’s like she’s always sandwiched between the middle of the stoic sense of logic that anchors him down to the reality she slips away from, and her own mild that harbors the little misfits of make-believe and tragic endings. and for the longest time becomes a sense of mismatched harmonies that manage to maintain their friendship alive in all of its jagged edges — to put it short, he becomes a steady figure she’s managed to weave into over the years.

“you’re an awful friend — you know that? why would you ever want to rid me?” her voice is all but a chip off of faux manners through the pitched up tone and small tip of her chin. it’s the brazen reassurance she polishes on the daily, knowing that he becomes the pick-me-up fallback, the place of no judgements and unapologetic feedback (his satiric commentary adds character, she tells herself). “you’re haunting the place? you couldn’t harm anyone, you’ll need more practice — maybe you could start haunting next year.” 

minjung’s eyebrows furrow as her eyes quickly cast over his features. so many years, and he still remains the same — time doesn’t change all, and it’s the cliche that pulls the edge of her lip into a half-smirk, hardly visible. another year, and she suspects he’ll still be the same as now. wildly tall, always composed, and short with his words. “i’m always too drunk to remember anything. at least i recognized you now.” her eyes now narrow in, and she gives into the full force of a widened grin — laughter that hugs the trail of words, and cracks any trace of seriousness between. “you know, i ran into too many people i thought i wanted to see, but turns out wanting to see someone, and actually seeing them are two different things — so, now, i’m gonna drink away the remainder of my woes and regrets.”

               years of friendship is a difficult course to maintain when it’s him. minjung is among a few who made that cut ( a difficult mark to hit ) because they shared many mutual friends. and because she’s funny, chaotic, always kept him guessing, was always there among those he cared about. memories of her stand out in his mind, but they bring to question how much they’ve both changed. how much she’s grown, and their friendship has evolved.

            “do you truly believe that?” he smirks, “you’ll hurt my feelings.”  he examines her quickly, a familiar expedition. “because you’re trouble.” it’s truth spoken as though it’s a joke. she is trouble. the same way fire sparks to life, a warm glow and a call to adventure, but one that should never be explored so closely. the kind that will swallow you whole. “i’ll have you know, i’m working on it- it isn’t my first time being a ghost.” his words haunt, too. the thought of who he is, what he’s done, what he hasn’t. he’s been as low as one can go. a real ghost, in all but the literal sense. he would know. “i’ll do better next year.” he agrees with her with a muted smirk.

The shared apartment ended up becoming a happy coincidence - a blessing in disguise for two vastly contrasting souls who ended up taking root and blooming in a place neither of them had expected to be, and particularly not with a person neither of them imagined it would be. By good faith this curious and improbable duo manages to find a rhythm to their everyday life to which they now know like the back of their hand. It takes two to tango, and they’ve practiced the steps to near perfection without stepping on each other’s toes.

(Although mistakes have been made and lines have been crossed in the early stages of their shared living - a time where they tried to work out how the puzzle pieces would fit to create the bigger picture. Sometimes they fumble in the dark in attempts at mending the cracks on the wall, all with good intentions.)

They’ve shared their respective roles and they fall into them perfectly. Lines are performed without missing a beat, and just like clockwork she shows up when her name is called and the smell of homemade food permeates the air. The act of shared living with another means she is blessed with delightful moments of mundane intimacy, one of which being the receiver of such splending homemade food. “It smells amazing!” The greeting and compliment is wrapped in one as she slides her way into their kitchen and subsequently takes her place by the table. Thanking him for the food, she takes a spoonful of the steamed vegetables, eyes widening comically - whether at the delicious taste of the food or at his words was not clear. “Someone’s not looking forward to tonight.” There’s a teasing smile pulling at the corner of her lips. “Not to worry. If it gets too much you only need to give me a call and I’ll swoop in to save your night.”

            his dog sleeps on his bed, his roommate wanders into the open room when he calls her name, he leans back in his chair to watch her eat with an inscrutable sense of accomplishment; all is alright in this moment. for the potential agonizing length, future mishaps and exhausting second-guessing incoming during the rest of the night- he attempts not to worry about it. he eats a bite along with her to fill the silence in shared action. leaning back in his chair, a smile on his face, “yeah, it’s obvious, huh?” he answers. her smile is one he knows well and it’s comforting, but nothing might be quite enough to entirely get rid of his natural perception of the world around him. it is enough to temporarily muffle it though, and he seeks to reassure her with a smile that shakes into a smirk. “it’s okay, i’m not dreading it as much as it seems. you know me- i’m just naturally a bummer.” he teases right back, a strategy he doesn’t employee except with those he admires or likes.

it’s a struggle for sunghee to put names to faces on a daily basis usually, so a masquerade ball where everybody is expected to wear their masks while also being dressed in a way they wouldn’t normally is almost like a nightmare to them. sunghee knew they’d inevitably reach this point eventually – the presence of too many people, speaking loudly with music playing even louder and very little space to navigate overwhelming every single one of their senses. they are usually good about dealing with this sort of thing, but the prolonged exposure had given them no other option but to leave the crowded room behind. they considered seeking someone familiar yet the effort was far too much for them to be truly comfortable with that attempt. instead, they hoped to stand outside and watch a bit of the movie, until their skin wasn’t crawling any longer. the solitude was interrupted when they were approached and sunghee didn’t even try to guess who the other person was before answering their question. “both?” they pondered, grip slightly tightening on the handle of their cane. “i do like scary films but i’m also just trying to avoid the crowds,” they sniffed, tugging their suit closer as a cold breeze hit them. “are you enjoying the film?”

Haru found herself walking away from the ballroom after she was on her own, her girls were no where to be seen and she could only hope they were having fun, they deserved it. Her lilac dress flew behind her as she walked, quiet steps, towards the outside part of the party looking for some place to recharge herself, feeling quite drained already. That voice, his voice, she knew it too well, her shoulders visibly relaxed as she realized who was the one behind that mask yet as he spoke she kept her eyes fixed on anything but the screen, not wanting to have nightmares for accidentally peaking at it.

“ Honestly, I’m terrified of them ” Haru confessed in her usal soft tone, a sheepish smile decorating her features as she spoke, she was a 25 year old woman who was still scared of those movies till the point she watched more the palm of her hands or the back of her companion instead of the movie whenever she was stuck on that situation. “ Escaping would be rude…I’m just getting some fresh air and recharge before heading back inside. ” She explained, a soft smile showing along as she looked around them, avoiding the screen where the movie was being played, instead focusing on the people before they landed on the person next to her. “ Enjoying the night Jongsu oppa? ” Haru asked, her brown eyes still fixed on him as she tilted her head to the side, trying to get a better look at him.

              he can still recall movies with haru at times, when schedules found space to breathe and relax. it’s a time bygone. their relationship and all the amorous things with it, are gone. just like the thought of asking haru to accompany him tonight- instead of his roommate -but it isn’t all a loss. what the two of them had lost, they had reclaimed with something different, in some ways, better. jongsu collects himself and relaxes upon hearing her voice. a smile coming to parturition over the unhidden lower half of his face, rounding his cheeks and softening the usual fixed nature of his face. “this is probably the last place i expected to see you.” their many memories but he doesn’t think of any involving frights or surprises like this. “it’s not rude to take time to yourself sometimes.” he smiles. her kindness and thoughtfulness is the thing he liked most about haru. but there were times he wished she would put herself, and her feelings, first more often. “it’s better now that i’m not inside. it was too loud in there. i’m much better on my own, you know.” with her tilting in for a better look, he retrieves his hands from his pockets long enough to slip his mask up and off to make it easier for her. 

As much as Daisuke enjoyed a good horror movie, he would have enjoyed it a lot more from the comfort of his own home instead of outside with a bunch of his industry peers. He actually had been planning on leaving as soon as the opportunity presented itself, but once he heard what movie they would be screening for the evening, he couldn’t bring himself to leave. It was one of his favorite horror movies of all time, so of course he had to stay behind and watch it, even if he didn’t watch the whole thing. Funnily enough, he found himself lounging around and watching the movie almost all the way until the end. Before he knew it, the time that flashed across his phone screen when he unlocked his device was pushing closer and closer towards midnight, the end of the masquerade ball. He meandered away from the mass group of people screening the movie, wanting to get away from the hoards of people for a few moments before going home. He hadn’t been expecting anyone else to be where he had escaped off to, but one was better than several dozen. “You’d be surprised,” he murmured lightly, a polite smile on his lips, before he nodded. “Both. Mostly the former than the latter, but the latter’s a big part of it too.” He looked over at him. “You?”