V

You turned your head to look at the man sleeping beside you. It was just light enough to make up the features of his face. His profile was one you could have recognized anywhere. The gentle slope of his nose, the soft curve of his lips, the dark strands of hair falling carelessly across his forehead - every detail felt familiar. Even in sleep, there was something achingly beautiful about him. The fading light caught the sharp line of his jaw and the ink winding up his neck, softening them into something almost tender. You studied him for a while, thinking he looked almost younger than his thirty years when he slept. Something in your chest tightened at the sight of him. 

”I can feel you staring at me,” he says suddenly, making you jump a little. 

”Jesus! I thought you were sleeping.” 

He opens one eye, tilting his head slightly more in your direction. 

”You should be sleeping.” 

”I know,” you sigh, ”I’ve been trying forever.” 

”Is there something in particular that’s keeping you up? Wanna talk about it?” he asks, propping himself up on his elbows. 

”Just… I feel so restless. I’m so close to falling asleep and then something pops into my head and I’m wide awake again. My head just won’t shut up.” You run a hand down your face, sighing deeply. 

Noah turns slightly so he’s facing you, his upper body raised slightly by an elbow pressed into the mattress, cheek nestled in his palm. A mischievous look spreads across his face.

”We can’t have that now, can we?” he murmurs. You know it’s not a question. ”I can think of a way to help you out, you know…Do you feel like A or B?” 

Your tired brain doesn’t understand him at first, even though he used your code. 

”I - what?” 

Noah chuckles under his breath. ”Tell me baby…” He reaches out, tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear. ”Pretty baby… will it be A or B? Let me help you sleep.” 

For a moment you just stare at him, then the penny drops. He was simultaneously asking for your permission, and letting you make a choice. This was your code. If you choose A, he’ll make love to you. If you choose B however; he’s going to rail you into the mattress. 

”Oh…Oh!”  

He smiles at you. ”There she is.” 

”B… Please.” 

A grin creeps onto his lips, his eyes darkening. ”Oh my sweet, sweet darling.” He lurches forward, caging you underneath him. His lips crashing onto yours with a fever, like he’d been thinking about this for hours, like he’s dying of thirst and you’re a glass of water. One of your hands nestles in his hair, pulling on it slightly, and he rewards you with a soft moan. Your other hand gripping a broad shoulder, feeling his muscles move underneath his smooth skin. 

He deepens the kiss until your teeth clash painfully together, but neither of you care enough to stop. He bites down on your lower lip, making you whimper. Noah works his way from your lips to that spot on your neck. He trails feather light, open mouth kisses along your jaw down to your neck. His teeth lightly graze the sensitive spot underneath your ear, making you draw a sharp breath. Moving down to your collarbone he leaves a damp trail on your skin. He leans back a little, blowing cool air over your sensitive skin. You feel like you’re going to combust. You let out a whiny ”please…” and his eyes shot up to you, your eyes already glazed over. 

”Oh poor baby…” he coos, ”I know, I know…”

One of his large hands slips under your t-shirt and bushes the underside of your breast, the light touch sending heat right down to where you need him the most. You involuntarily buck your hips up against him. ”Patience my dear, patience.” he whispers into the crook of your neck as his fingers reach your nipple. Taking the bud between his thumb and pointer finger he starts slowly pinching, tugging and rolling it.

He’s taking his time, and you can feel the damp patch on your underwear getting larger. You need him so badly, and he knows it. But he wants to take his time with you before giving you what you need. He revels in your glazed over eyes, your shallow breathing and the way your hips desperately grind on him. 

”Lift your arms up for me darling.” 

You obey. In one fluid motion he peels your T-shirt off, discarding it on the floor. You lay beneath him in only your underwear, hair already a mess on the pillow beneath you. 

”You’re so pretty.” 

You blush. ”So are you.”

He chuckles softly as his mouth places kisses all over your chest, biting and licking your skin. His lips closes around your hard bud, tongue swirling. You clench around nothing. You felt a large hand rubbing your stomach, making its way down to where you so desperately need him. 

”Oh baby… look at how wet you are. You’re soaking through.” His fingers dips down the waistband of your panties, two long fingers running through your wet folds. He leans forward, placing a small kiss on your earlobe. ”You’re soaking my fingers and I haven’t even made you cum yet.” he whispers as he starts rubbing circles on your clit. Your breath hitches at the contact. He’s going slowly, so slowly. You thrust your hips forward again, desperate for more friction. He pulls his hand away and tsks at you. 

”Beg for it.” You won’t pretend that you don’t know it’s an order. Normally you might challenge him, but you can practically feel yourself dripping down on the mattress. 

”Please… I need you to- please.” 

”You need me to…what?” 

”Pleaseee.” you whine, eyes fluttering. 

”My poor, needy girl. I’ve barely touched you and you’ve already lost the ability to form a coherent sentence.” He reaches for your jaw, squishing your cheeks together. ”What do you need?” 

You’re already having a hard time getting your words out, and Noah’s grip on your jaw and cheeks isn’t making things easier. ”I want you - I need… please…”

His other hand finds its way to the waistband of your underwear, hooking a long finger underneath, ready to pull them off. 

His grip on your jaw tightens a little. ”Tell me exactly what you need, sweetheart.” 

”I need you to touch- I need-” you take a breath to steady yourself, ”Please Noah I need you to touch me!” 

He instantly rips your underwear off. Two long fingers running up and down your slick folds before he eases them into you. The stretch feels immaculate, a low moan leaving your lips. 

”Look at that!” he says as he begins to pump his fingers into you. ”You had the words all along. Good girl.” 

Two fingers become three as he adds his thumb on your clit, rubbing circles on it. Noah curls his fingers to find that perfect, delicious spot. He does. You let out an almost pornographic noise as you arch your back against him. You can feel the heat building up in your lower belly as you reach down to pinch your own nipple. 

You feel your walls fluttering, how the tight coil is about to snap. And just when your orgasm is on the verge of washing over you, Noah pulls his fingers out of you. You make a disgruntled sound. He chuckles. 

”Why did- I was- please Noah I was so close!” 

You meet his eyes, and in the dim light you can see his pupils blown wide - almost making his eyes black. 

”I know, baby. I know,” he says, his voice dripping in fake pity. 

He shifts his weight back, sitting on his knees between your legs. He towers over you. You lift yourself up to reach for him, to reach for his arms. You try to pull him back, to pull his hands and fingers back to where you need him. You feel a tear running down your face in pure frustration. 

”My poor baby. You look so pathetic right now…” He smirks down at you. ”I bet you’d do anything for me to touch you again.” 

You’d be embarrassed if you weren’t so desperate. 

”Yes,” you breathe. 

He leans over you, making you tilt your head back to look at him. 

He lifts a finger to tap at your jaw. ”Open.” It’s an order, not a suggestion. You do as he says and open your mouth. Looking up at him, neither of you break eye contact as he spits in your mouth, some of it landing on the corner of your mouth. You swallow his saliva and then stick your tongue to gather every last drop. 

”Say thank you.” 

”Thank you.”

”My good girl,” he coos. ”Good girls get rewarded.” 

His thumb brushes your lower lip, prying your mouth open. He puts his fingers in your mouth. You feel the pads of his fingertips press down on the back of your tongue, making you gag slightly. You close your lips around his fingers, hollowing your cheeks. You can taste yourself on him. He groans. 

“What a good girl. Cleaning up your mess. See how wet you got for me, baby?” 

You look up at him through your eyelashes and he huffs, own jaw dropping a little. He pulls his fingers from you, pushing you down on your back. He trails kisses from your jaw, to your neck, down to your collarbone. He spends some extra time kissing and biting the soft flesh of your breasts before making his way down your stomach, kissing and licking your soft skin. 

He dips down between your legs, laying down on his stomach and lifting one of your legs over his shoulder. You squirm. Noah places a kiss on the inside of your thigh, continuing down to your knee. You know what he’s doing, and it’s driving you crazy. Noah loves the way you’re writhing beneath him, eyes filling with tears of frustration. He loves watching your brain turn off in real time.

 ”Noah… Noah, please.” 

He looks up at you from between your legs, a devilish grin on his lips. 

”Oh my goodness, ” he teases, ”Look at you. So needy. So desperate. Begging for me.”

 He leans down, placing a chaste kiss right above your bundle of nerves. Your whole body jerks at the soft touch. 

”You want me to touch you?” 

You nod your head frantically. 

”Yeah? You want me to eat this pretty pussy?” 

He’s teasing your entrance with a long finger, just barely inserting it. It makes you clench around what little he’s giving you. He chuckles. 

”You need to use your words, baby. How am I supposed to know what you want if you don’t tell me?” 

He’s pushing your limits. You’re so desperate for him that your brain is short circuiting. ”I- I can’t… I- fuck Noah, please I… I need to cum. Please.” 

The next second he’s once again pushing two fingers into you, curling them just right. He licks a broad stripe from your entrance to your clit. One of your hands finds its way to his hair, the other grips the sheet under you. 

He takes his time, placing soft kisses on your clit. His tongue swirls around it, over it. You inhale sharply as he lightly bites down, your fingers pulling harder at his hair. Noah speeds up, lapping at your folds like it’s the only thing keeping him alive. At the same time he sets a punishing pace with his fingers, repeatedly hitting that perfect spot as his fingers curl inside of you. He puts his lips around your clit, sucking on it. 

It crashes over you as sudden as lightning strikes. Your whole body convulses, your vision blurring. You gasp his name in prayer as you squeeze around his fingers. Your thighs squeezing his head, but he doesn’t pull away. You try to push his head away, the overstimulation of him continuing to suck, lick and kiss you at the same time as he keeps thrusting his fingers in and out of you almost becoming unbearable. 

It’s no use however, he’s much stronger than you. He murmurs ”You’ve done when I’m done.” against your pulsating core. Your head snaps back, eyes rolling back in their sockets. Your blood feels like it’s on fire, every nerve ending in your body electrified. 

”Noah… Noah - please I can’t…” you whine, squeezing his head so hard between your thighs that you’re afraid of hurting him.

He pulls his face away from you, still pumping his fingers. His lips, chin and cheeks are glistening with your arousal. The sight makes you blush. 

“Oh baby… you’ve got one more in you for me, yeah?” 

You shake your head. He tut-tuts. 

“You do if I say you do.” His voice drops slightly, and with it the mood in the room shifts. 

Noah leans forward, adding a third finger, and whispers against your ear. “And god have mercy on you if you dare cum without my permission.” You nod, biting your lower lip. 

The sensation is overwhelming. You’re so sensitive and every flick of his wrist is sending your body into a frenzy. He knows your body so well, and he knows just the pace to pull you towards the edge. You close your eyes. ”Please…” you whine. 

”Not yet, angel. Not yet.” 

You writhe beneath him, wanting nothing else than to be allowed to cum. Noah snakes his other hand down your body, using his thumb to rub fast circles on your clit. His mouth is attached to your neck, your jaw, leaving tiny red bite marks behind. 

”Noah… I’m- I can’t. You need to let me… oh my god!” He redoubles his efforts, just to torture you a bit more. 

”Do you think you deserve it?” he mumbles against your neck. 

”Please. I’ve been good! I- so good. I need… I need it so bad. Noah I-” you’re blabbering under him, not able to even form a thought. 

”You have,” he sighs. ”Always my good girl. Go ahead then.”

And with his permission you come undone. A broken cry tears from your throat. Pulsing against his fingers, waves of pleasure tearing through you. Noah pulls his fingers out of you, popping them in his own mouth. He groans as he tastes you. Watching him through hazy eyes, you give him a small smile. 

”You did so good for me baby, so good.” He gently cups your cheeks, kissing your forehead. You slightly shift your leg; and that’s when you feel it. He’s still in his boxers, but you can feel his rock hard cock through the fabric. He hisses as your knee brushes against it. You extend a hand, reaching for him. He takes a hold around your wrist, stopping you.

”No baby, I’m fine. This was all about you.” he says it so sincerely. You know that he’s perfectly content to cuddle you for a moment before disappearing to the bathroom and sorting himself out. You don’t want that though. 

”What if I’m not satisfied yet?” 

His whole body stiffens, head snapping up to look at you. ”You’re not satisfied?” You shake your head. 

”You couldn’t form a sentence a minute ago.” 

”I can now.” 

His gaze is fixed on you, eyes darkening. He once again grabs your face, squishing your cheeks together. 

”You’ll regret saying that, my love.” 

He flips you over so you’re laying on your stomach like you weigh nothing. His large hands grab a hold of your hips, pulling your ass towards himself. You wince when his open palm makes contact with your asscheek. 

You can feel him shifting behind you. He then  unceremoniously pushes himself forward until he’s buried to the hilt inside of you. Noah doesn’t let you get used to the way he stretches you, setting an unrelenting pace from the get go. You all but scream into the pillow as he thrusts in and out of you. 

You rock your hips back against him, trying your best to match his pace. You can’t. He chuckles at your attempt and whispers “absolutely pathetic” as his hand finds its way to nestle in your hair. He tugs at your roots as he pushes your face into the pillow. The way he completely fills you is making your head spin. 

Noah uses his grip on your hair to pull you upright, your back pressed against his chest. He hooks one arm around your neck, putting you in a headlock. With his other hand he starts rubbing circles over your clit. The feeling of him thrusting up into you while he’s playing with your bundle of nerves as he’s putting slight pressure on your neck makes you cry out in pleasure. 

“You feel so good. So wet. So warm.” Noah grunts, placing a kiss behind your ear. “This pussy was made for me, huh?” 

“Y-yes.” You’re choking on your words, sight starting to blur from the tears gathering in your eyes. His breath on your neck grows more ragged, a guttural groan leaving his throat as you decide to clamp your walls tight around him. 

”Fuck baby you can’t just… Oh shi- you’re squeezing me so fucking tight.” 

He pulls out of you, flipping you so you’re facing him, laying you down on the mattress. He lowers himself over you, lining himself up and thrusting forward. He puts one hand under your knee, pushing your leg up, opening you up. The new angle allows him to thrust even deeper into you. You could swear he’s actually rearranging your guts. Your eyes roll back, mouth falling open as you pant his name. Tears roll down your face from the intensity of the pleasure he’s giving you. 

”Thats it baby.” He’s panting too. ”I want to see you crumble for me. I want to see you completely destroyed.” He leans down over you, placing a hungry kiss on your open mouth. ”I love how you fall apart for me.” 

You can’t answer him. Your words have completely failed you. All you can do is look at him, mouth hanging open. His mouth finds yours as his hips speeds up. Your hands find his broad shoulders, travelling down his back. You pull at his bottom lip with your teeth, spurring him on. Your nails dig into the skin of his back, and you know it’s gonna leave a mark or two. Noah pulls his mouth off of yours, a string of saliva still connecting you. You try to catch it with your tongue. 

“Oh my filthy, filthy girl. Open up then, I’ll give you what you want.” 

You open your mouth wider and he spits. You swallow it and mumble a small ”thanks”.

In a swift motion Noah rolls over, pulling you with him. He’s seated on the bed, back resting against the headboard. You’re in his lap, straddling him. You’re so tired, so fucked out of your mind. But the look on his face when he mutters the simple instruction of ”ride” makes it clear that there’s no use in fighting him. Your thighs tremble and your chest is heaving as you take his thick cock in your hand, lining him up at your entrance and lowering yourself down on him. 

You take a sharp breath, the way he fills you in this angle is absolutely overwhelming. You place your hands on his broad shoulders, needing to hold onto something. You feel like you’re going to collapse. His sweaty skin acts as your anchor to reality as Noah grabs ahold of your hips, helping you find a rhythm. 

As you grind down on him, he hits that sweet spot inside of you. You’re almost seeing stars when a large hand travels down to where you’re connected. You cry out as Noah starts rubbing circles on your clit. He’s watching your face contort, feeling the way your whole body is shaking. 

“You feel that?” he asks. “I’m so deep in you baby. Taking me so well.”  

You can only nod your head. 

“My perfect girl… Bouncing herself dumb on my lap. I bet you can’t even think straight.” 

He uses his other hand to slap your ass, once, twice, three times. Each time is a little harder than the one before. It leaves a delicious sting behind. 

“Noah I’m so… I’m so close. Please,” you beg. 

“Cum for me angel. I want to feel you fall apart on my cock.” 

He picks up his pace, vigorously rubbing circles on your bundle of nerves. And that does it for you. Your whole body snaps forward, pulsating and twitching. You fall into Noah’s arms and he holds you closer as his own end washes over him. You can feel him twitching inside of you, hot ropes of cum painting your insides. 

For a moment you just sit there, both of your chests heaving. Noah rubs your back with one hand, moving it slowly up and down, while the other threads gently through your hair. He presses a gentle kiss on your forehead, holding you closely until your breathing evens out. You melt into him, cheek pressed to this damp chest, head tucked under his chin. 

”You okay?” Noah asks, placing another kiss on the top of your head. 

”Yeah,” you whisper. ”Just tired.” 

He sits with you in his lap a while longer, continuously rubbing your back, petting your hair, kissing your forehead. You can feel your body getting heavier, eyelids dropping.

”Baby?” 

”Hmm?” 

”As much as I’d love to hold you like this all night, we need to get you cleaned up.”

You make a disgruntled noise, but allow him to gently scoop you up and lay you down on the bed. He kisses your cheek, your forehead, your nose, the corner of your mouth. You giggle. 

”I’m gonna go get a towel, alright?” he says, standing up, turning on a table light on the dresser on his way to the bathroom. You gasp.

The tattoo he’s spent so long finishing spanned his entire back, a traditional depiction of Jesus, crowned with thorns and gazing heavenward. The skin beneath it was now littered with small, angry scratch marks, each one bright red against the ink. Small droops of blood distorting the image until it looked as if Christ himself were bleeding from his eyes.

”Oh my god Noah!” 

”Huh?” 

”Your back!” You could feel your cheeks turning red. ”I’ve made Jesus cry!” 

He stops in front of the full length mirror with his back against it, turning his head to see for himself. A dark smile spread across his face as he looked at the red marks and the tiny drops of blood scattered across the tattoo. There was pride in his eyes. He had earned every mark carved into his skin. 

”Well…” he says, looking back at you. ”He did die for our sins. And what we just did…” He sweeps a hand towards the bed as if referring to everything that had happened there. ”Was definitely sinful.” 

And with that he left the room, leaving you with your jaw hanging open. Noah made quick work of cleaning himself up in the bathroom before picking out the softest towel from the cupboard. He turns the tap on, testing the temperature against his hand before wetting the towel and wringing it out.

By the time he returns to your shared bedroom, you’re already asleep. Laying sprawled across the bed, your hair tousled across the pillow. For a moment, he simply stands there, watching you, feeling that familiar ache in his chest.

He gently sits down beside you. Carefully, he cleans the mess between your thighs, his touch light enough not to wake you. When he’s finished, he brushes a few strands of hair from your face and presses a soft kiss to your hairline.

“Sleep well, sweetheart.” 

---

Author's Note: I don't know if anyone else can relate to this, but sometimes my anxiety/mental health gets so bad that I can't even sleep in my own bed. That's what inspired this and I hope you enjoy! I've been on and off writing fanfiction for a decade now, but it's been awhile, so forgive me for how rambley and short this is. Also, the title kind of reads like a 2000s metalcore song title, so ignore that.

· · · ─ · ✶ · ─ · · ·

The light from the digital alarm clock shined directly into your eyes as you squinted to look at the numbers.

It felt like it was taunting you, sitting high on it's place on the nightstand as a witness to your restlessness.

You watched the numbers change for what felt like the hundredth time tonight and sighed.

It was now 2:52 a.m. and you were still wide awake.

You had tried everything.

You tossed and turned, hoping you just hadn't found a comfortable position yet. You flipped your pillow around so it was cold. You even tried some calming breathing exercise your high school gym teacher had taught you, which for some reason you remembered after all these years.

Nothing was working.

Another thing that definitely wasn't helping with your growing frustration was the fact that your boyfriend—Noah—was fast asleep behind you, his arm draped over your middle and his breath tickling your neck with every little snore.

Him being out cold wasn't too shocking, considering he had just returned from Bad Omens' latest European tour a few hours prior. Between being fatigued from jetlag and preforming, he was dead to the world for the next few days—and he deserved that rest.

It didn't make you any less envious though.

Despite his tiredness, you two still did your post-tour routine of getting takeout, properly catching up after not seeing each other in a few weeks, and cuddling on the couch while a movie played quietly on the TV in the background—at least until poor Noah could barely keep his eyes open.

That's how you ended up here, your boyfriend next to you in bed—basically comatose—and you about ready to break your alarm clock.

You didn't mean to, but during your dinner conversation earlier, where Noah told you everything that happened while he was away, you left out some details when it was your turn to do that same.

You conveniently didn't mention the fact that your anxiety had been particularly bad the past couple of weeks, not wanting to worry him after he just got home.

There wasn't much he could do even if you told him. There wasn't a reason or a quick fix. It was just there. Lingering dread that sometimes became overwhelming out of nowhere, leaving you feeling feverish and like a heavy weight was sitting on your chest that made breathing hard.

And no, it wasn't because Noah was touring. Sure, you missed him like crazy—as would any significant other if their partner was half way across the world for a month—but you could also handle being on your own. You were an adult at the end of the day, a very neurotic one, but still.

Your mental health just seemed to fluctuate in severity as it pleased, and this time it chose to take a dip while Noah was gone. Simple as that.

You didn't tell him about the anxiety, or how it got worse in the evening, or how you spent most nights anywhere but your bed.

Sometimes you slept on the couch, either on the one in the living room or the one in Noah's studio, usually opting for the one in the studio because being in his space made you feel just a little bit better. Other nights, the tiled kitchen floor or the carpeted hallway outside your shared bedroom seemed appealing.

It was a quirky habit that your boyfriend was well aware of, and he would often join you in your weird sleeping spots when he caught you doing it. That's exactly why you were not waking and seeking comfort from him right now. He needed actual rest, in an actual bed, not in whatever uncomfortable place you needed to sleep in to quiet your spiraling thoughts.

As much as you wanted to be close to Noah, you needed rest too, and you wouldn't be getting any if you stayed on this mattress.

Carefully, you lifted his arm up and off you by his wrist without causing him to stir. You then, ever so slowly, grabbed your pillow and the throw blanket you had been using, before sliding onto the floor, making a sad little makeshift bed on the rug. Still close to Noah, but now in a spot where you maybe would be able to finally doze off.

The rug was colder than the bed and your hip dug a little uncomfortably into the floor, but this was exactly what you needed because even after just a few minutes you could feel that familiar floating sensation that comes right before you fall into a dream.

Unfortunately, just as you were about to tip over the edge into sleep, a barely audible mumble woke you right back up.

"Baby...?" Noah's tired sounding voice called for you.

You could hear him run his hand over the sheets in search of you. When he didn't find what he was looking for, he said your name, clearly a bit more alert now.

"Down here," you reply.

There was some shuffling and the creaking of mattress springs before Noah's head popped over the edge, looking down at you.

You suppressed a laugh. He looked like a mess, but oh so cute.

It was dark in your room, but your vision had adjusted somewhat in the time you've been awake, so you could see his heavy lidded eyes, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion, his hair sticking up in different places, all of his features were illuminated by the blue light of your alarm clock.

"Why are you on the floor—" his question was interrupted by a yawn. "Did I push you off in my sleep? Oh, baby, I'm sorry. We really should look into getting a King bed—"

"Noah, you're fine. I'm on the floor by choice." He gave you a even more confused look. "Anxiety, babe." That seemed to answer his question as he mouthed an 'oh'.

He then disappeared and you figured he was going back to sleep, but a few seconds later the mattress creaked again and the soft padding of footsteps on hardwood could be heard.

"Scoot."

You looked up. Your boyfriend now stood next to you, towering over your spot on the floor, holding his pillow.

"What? No, Noah—"

"Scoot over."

You hesitated, but did as he asked with a huff, moving so you were almost partially under the bed.

Noah wasted no time, carelessly throwing his pillow next to yours and laying down. You offered him part of the throw blanket, but it did little to cover his long limbs.

"Noah, seriously, get back in the bed," you urged him, speaking through your teeth, trying to be stern.

He just grinned at you. "Nope," he said, popping the 'p' for emphasis—and to annoy you.

"Babe, your back is going to hurt by morning—"

"Don't care," he interrupted smuggly as he wrapped his arms around you before continuing, "I've been away from you for five weeks—five whole weeks, babe. I'm not spending my first night home in bed by myself."

"You're ridiculous, you know that?"

"And you needing to sleep on the floor isn't also a little ridiculous?" He was teasing, he knew why you did it, but even you had admitted before it was kind of a silly thing to do.

You groaned at that, burying your face into his tattooed chest. "Yeah, okay, whatever. Got me there."

He sighed contently, pulling you even closer and swinging one of his legs over your hip.

You both stayed quiet for a few minutes before Noah broke the silence, a bit more serious now.

"Why didn't you tell me you were feeling off earlier tonight?" he asked softly while running the tips of his fingers up and down your spine.

You shrugged in his grasp. "You just got home, you were tired, you were expressing your own anxiety about being away. You didn't need my nonsense on top of that."

He shut that thought down real quick. "Baby, your mental health isn't 'nonsense'," he corrected you, giving you a look. "I want to help you whenever I can, even if that 'help' is just me laying on the floor with you."

"I know, but now you're probably going to get a bad night's rest—"

"And that's okay. You need me—you've needed me—and I wasn't here, but I'm here now."

You smile at him, his barely open eyes meeting yours. You leaned in and kiss him briefly on his soft lips before pulling away. "You're the best boyfriend."

"Hm, I am? Well you can tell me all about that in the morning, but right now we both need sleep. So sleep, I've got you," he said before yawning again as he fought to stay awake.

"Okay, okay. Goodnight, Noah." You give him another quick peck on the corner of his mouth before snuggling closer to him—if that were even possible.

At that, you finally started drifting off after struggling to do so all night, the last thing you heard being a quiet 'night' coming from Noah as he tucked your head under his chin, keeping you close as you two fell asleep, both of you ignoring the fact that you would be waking up sore.

· · · ─ · ✶ · ─ · · ·

“The more you spend, the better I make you feel, princess.” Noah said softly, his voice so warm and full of affection.

You were lying on his bed, his laptop open beside you, scrolling through different online stores with shaky hands. Since you were still struggling to accept this arrangement even weeks after agreeing to it, Noah had decided today would be completely dedicated to gently training you, by rewarding you with pleasure every time you spent his money. So Noah had taken his place between your thighs, looking up at you with dark, patient eyes while his thumb lazily circled your clit, almost teasingly.

You whimpered, barely able to focus on the laptop screen as you hovered over the purchase button.

Noah noticed how hesitant you were being again, so he pressed a gentle kiss right above your clit.

“Cartier earrings?” He observed, “Get them, and the matching necklace too. They’ll look so pretty on you, baby.”

The moment you added them to the cart, Noah groaned in approval and buried his face in you again. His nose nudged at your clit while his tongue teased your hole, earning the prettiest noises from you.

“Keep going.” Noah said, his voice muffled, “Want you to buy at least five more things before you can cum.”

You nodded your head, and your fingers trembled as you clicked on a pair of Louboutins. The second you added them to your cart, Noah gently sucked your clit into his mouth, before releasing it with a wet pop.

“Good girl,” he praised, his voice warm and full of pride, “That’s exactly what I like to see.”

He rewarded you by dragging his tongue slowly up your pussy, then sucking your clit between his lips again with the most perfect pressure that made your head spin. You tried to stay focused on the screen, but it was getting harder. Every slow lick, every soft suck, it made your thighs tremble around his head.

“Add more, baby,” Noah pulled back just enough to speak, his breath hot against your sensitive skin, “Don’t overthink it. Anything pretty, anything you want.”

You added a $10,000 dress to the cart without thinking twice this time, and Noah let out a low, pleased hum and pushed his tongue inside you this time, fucking you with it in slow deep strokes while the tip of his nose rubbed gently against your clit.

Even Noah himself could not believe it. 

He swore he had rehearsed his speech countless times before the wedding day– even going an extra mile when Nick one day delivered the news to him that you were indeed coming. 

An hour ago, he had been in the holding room, doing his pre-show breathing exercises like he was about to headline a sold-out Madison Square Garden. 

Noah had tried to compose himself so his nerves would not get the best of him before he stood with his Notes app in front of Nick and Nadine’s 200 guests. And when he finally did, he had tried to focus like a horse with blinders, not allowing your presence to distract him and make him go off-script.

But the poor guy had been trying too hard, failing to anticipate that his metaphorical horse blinders would direct his focus to no one— no one but you.

You in that dress, sitting with the guys like the old times, looking so calm and composed as if unbothered by the imposing frame of your former lover in your line of sight. Noah would’ve believed it if not for your slightly pursed lips and the absentminded fiddling of your fingers with the stem of your wine glass.

After all this time, your ex-boyfriend could still easily read you as if you still both lived on the same roof– as if he had spent the past two years memorizing your body language like it was part of his tour setlist. 

It was also that same recognition that had made Noah break out in a cold sweat, his thoughts going haywire.

You had been sitting there, clearly uncomfortable. And he hated every second of it.

And yet, he had still let his mouth run wild like an unsupervised kid in a furniture shop.

He had so many things to apologize for, anyway; what’s another one, right? 

So, here he was, muttering curses on his way back to the reception hall after excusing himself to the men’s room, hoping to save the last bit of dignity he had left for ending his best man's speech the worst way possible. 

‘I wish I still had for myself.’

Those words might sound ordinary to people who did not know a thing about him and his relationship history, but to the two tables of heavily tattooed men in suits and ties whom he unfortunately called his friends, it was the plot twist of the night no one had seen coming. 

While he had instantly felt a knot in his stomach as each word tumbled out of his lips, the guys in their seats had looked like characters in a sitcom, wincing simultaneously for him as if they were watching a WWE match. 

Noah swore he had never experienced regret in 4K resolution before. 

“Fucking idiot,” he scoffed, willing himself not to cringe anymore and just leave the castigating job to his beloved friends. He walked towards them on autopilot mode, his jaw ticked, and eyebrows scrunched while his fingers tugged on the shirt collar that had been annoyingly clinging to his neck the whole day. 

“There’s the man of the hour!”

Approaching the two adjacent round tables where his friends sat, Noah’s broad shoulders immediately stiffened as if bracing himself for impact when Jesse perked up, making the others turn their heads his way upon the older guy’s acknowledgment. 

And as expected, everyone, except for some of the guys’ dates, was throwing him an identical shit-eating grin that he was only used to seeing on the face of his band’s drummer.

He only groaned in response, not even making an effort to plead in a losing fight.

Noah subtly glanced towards your seat, somehow relieved to see you were not back yet. For one, he did not want you to witness the impending suffering he was about to be subjected to at the hands of his ever dearest friends. 

Although a part of him wished you were, since the boys loved you more than him that he was sure none of them would make fun of the situation if you were around.

“Great speech, man.” Jesse greeted him with a toothy smile, mockingly raising his glass of wine in his direction. “You didn’t tell us you were trying to scare your ex away tonight.”

Everyone else in both tables burst out laughing. Folio, Jolly, and even your best friend Natalie snorted louder than usual. 

“Just… shut up, you jerks,” Noah grumbled, feeling warmth creep up his cheeks as he sent Jesse a death glare. Trying to hide his reddening face from the others, he moved towards the next table of hyenas that were softly cackling at his misery. 

Yeah, he deserved that.

“Congrats, man,” Davis piled on, holding back his laugh while wiggling his brows at his friend who slumped down on his designated seat. “Here we were thinking Nick was making her uncomfortable.”

“I was not!” Folio immediately protested. 

“Told ya, we should’ve just bet instead on how soon he can make his ex disappear,” Jolly chimed in on the other side, trying to keep a straight face.

Noah could only roll his eyes and flip his friends off. He had known them almost all his life; he knew there was no stopping these menaces any time soon.

He’d be extremely lucky if this died down in a week.

As his stern gaze swept over his friends who were laughing among themselves, his eyes discreetly moved towards the empty spot next to him, briefly fixating on your glass of water, where a faint stain of your red lipstick decorated its rim. 

Memories of you wiping red stains off his lips made him smile in his seat. It had always happened before– from when he had sipped from your glass or when you had given him a peck on his puckered lips– and you had always used your thumb to remove them, which Noah would playfully bite with his front teeth.

‘Stop biting me, you giant bunny,’ you had scolded him playfully one time, swatting his chest. 

Amused at the new nickname, he had snickered, raising a brow at you.

‘Do you know what bunnies do, babe?’ He had smirked as one of his hands gently squeezed your waist while your eyebrows had scrunched up, trying to figure out what he was talking about.

Noah laughed under his breath with the memory of how your face turned beet red upon the realization of what he was insinuating. He bit his lip, trying to hide his smile as he reminisced about the way he had purposely riled you up at one of his Halloween birthday parties where he put on a pair of bunny ears while mockingly batting his eyelashes at you… And on the same night you had thought of getting back at him by wearing those ears in the middle of sex, pulling them from under your pillow… Noah swore he had never acted so uncharacteristically feral in bed his whole life.

“So, what now? No one won the bet?” Folio’s loud mouth pulled him back to reality. “Since our guy here blew it all off before he even had the chance to talk to her.”

Wheezing in his seat, the younger Nick earned a glare from Noah, while the rest of the guys across tables chitchatted animatedly about the bet Folio and Davis had initiated earlier. It was to see ‘how long Noah Sebastian could stay away from his ex-girlfriend, who’s looking hot and beautiful, as confirmed by the way Noah Sebastian could not stop himself from staring.’

Much to the frontman’s horror, bets ranging from $20 to $50 were placed in favor of the following wedding segments: (1) right at the end of the ceremony, (2) until cocktail hour, (3) by dinner time, and (4) during the couple’s first dance, where three of his friends were sure ‘he’d be asking her to dance with him’.

While Noah could feel his face flush even harder, he also found himself fighting off a tiny smirk forming on his lips. 

Because if they only knew, no one would win that stupid bet if only Noah Sebastian were brave enough to make a move.

Because unbeknownst to the rest of the guys, he had been wanting to approach you even before the ceremony started— when you waltzed into the venue in that elegant backless dress, taking his breath away as if he had time-travelled to 11 years ago when he had frozen in place upon seeing your pretty smile for the very first time at the old coffee shop in Richmond. His hands might have gone cold when he had laid his eyes on you earlier, but he had been itching to stay near when you looked all shy and cute, carefully approaching the guys as if you were not Bad Omens’ number one supporter since 2014. Noah had seen the way you hugged each of them with a smile so wide that it had not only reached your eyes but had also brought back a familiar swarm of butterflies to the tattooed stomach of the 6’3 best man standing just a few feet away. 

And god, were his friends right. 

You looked so beautiful that he could not keep his eyes off you, afraid that someone else might swoop in (again) before he could even muster the courage to utter a simple ‘hi’ your way.

While you had mingled with everyone, Noah had been observing in the corner like a vulture. And he had tried his best not to pounce on a couple of men whom he had seen shamelessly checking you out in that dress that he swore was going to be the death of him any minute from now.

To top it off, his anxiety had spiked right up when Nicholas had mentioned to him how his cousin Tyler was asking about ‘the deal of the pretty girl in blue sitting with the Bad Omens dudes’. Noah had never wanted to act fast in his life and show Tyler and the other guys that you were his deal to begin with. You were and had always been. Notwithstanding the fact that his claims no longer hold any bearing for quite some time now. 

So despite the jitters and his unpreparedness, Noah had made it a mission to talk to you tonight– not to make things weird, but to just chat like the old times, if you would allow him, and see how things would go.

Too bad for him, though, his friends were right, again. He had already pushed you out of his reach even before he could gather the nerve to approach.

“C’mon, that’s enough, you guys. Give my best man a break,” Nicholas interrupted the cacophony between the two tables, squeezing his best friend’s stiff shoulders. Noah let out a sigh of relief, mumbling a quiet ‘thanks’ to the groom who came to his rescue.

But just before Noah could take over the conversation, Nicholas, with a big smirk plastered on his face, continued, “Let’s save him that dignity he wished he still had for himself.”

“Fuck you.” Noah groaned as his friends once again collectively laughed at his misery, wondering if it were too much to ask for the ground below him to open and just swallow him whole.

But maybe… he really did deserve this torture now more than ever. 

With the things he put you through in the last one and a half years of your relationship, Noah was well aware that his friends' mocking was the least kind of punishment they could give him on your behalf.

-

It had been two years since you had packed up and left the life you had both shared for almost a decade– two long years of Noah torturing himself for letting you go, for not trying hard enough to be someone you deserved.

Two long years of him trying to move on.

And Noah believed he had tried. 

The universe was a witness to how he had put himself out there, albeit halfheartedly, but all instances ended with him sabotaging his own ass.

Three months since you broke up, he had kissed another girl he met on a random night out that Michael dragged him to. Noah could say they had hit it off pretty well. She was confident, she looked and smelled good, so he had not hesitated to reciprocate when she tiptoed and pulled his face down towards hers. But as the woman he barely knew pressed her hands against his chest while they lip-locked, Noah felt his stomach churn, finding himself longing for the feeling of your nails softly raking on his pecs, for the way it would always make his spine tingle, and for the way it had always provided him warmth and comfort every time you touched.

Seven months since he had last seen your face, he had accidentally flirted with a barista in the newly opened coffee shop near their recording studio (deja vu, right?). Noah had not realized it until the girl sat with him during her break one afternoon. She had been leaning too close for his liking as they sat by the window with their shoulders bumping occasionally. Despite this, he had found himself bantering naturally with her that he had started to get comfortable with her presence. But when she asked him to dinner on a random Friday, even Noah was equally surprised by the answer that came out of his mouth.

‘I’m sorry, but I have a girlfriend.’

Finally, almost a year since he had started self-sabotaging, Noah had gone on a blind date that Jolly arranged. It was with a friend of Jolly’s friend who had just moved to LA at that time. She was pretty, Noah had thought. She was taller than you (yes, he had to compare) and had dirty blonde hair styled in a clean, tight bun. And he couldn’t help but notice how her eyes had sparkled when she started talking about her hobbies, especially when Noah’s smile reached his eyes when they both found out their similar penchant for video games and anime. At that moment, the thought of taking her out again had crossed (and stayed in) his mind. And he was 100% certain he would when he asked for her number as he walked her to her car. He had even given her a peck on the cheek before they had parted ways. 

But at that time, the universe had other plans. 

As soon as Noah crossed the street to get to his car, he was stopped in his tracks by a familiar frame standing all alone on the brick sidewalk. Too familiar that his heart had started to pound achingly against his ribcage.

He had to squeeze his eyes shut and take a deep breath to make sure he was not hallucinating– that it really was you in the flesh standing on the same block as him after a year of just stalking your Instagram profile. You were casually leaning against a pillar right by the entrance of an Italian restaurant– the same place you used to frequent because, as you would always say, ‘their focaccia is so good’ that you’d be ‘willing to trade your boyfriend for it any day.’ He remembered snorting in response with a smug face, saying he would ‘never feel threatened by an Italian bread.’

But with the way your eyes had twinkled as you dipped a warm slice in balsamic vinegar and olive oil? Noah would be lying if he said he never had a cold sweat drip down his face each time.

Despite his heart racing, a ghost of a smile had twitched the corners of Noah’s lips. 

You looked good– even better, he had thought. Sans your laptop or iPad, it seemed like you had come straight from a meeting with how you were dressed in your smart casual attire— a crisp ¾ sleeve shirt tucked into a pair of black dress pants– the kind of outfit that always made him call you his ‘corporate girl’. You had been busy scrolling through your phone, not sensing your giant ex standing like an undercover cop just a few strides away. 

And just before his brain could start overthinking, Noah’s feet had decided to move slowly towards you. He wanted to say hi, see how you had been doing, and maybe, just maybe, his delusional self would be bold enough to invite you for a nightcap. 

However, after just a couple of careful steps, a tall dark-haired guy exiting the restaurant called your name, and he had seen how it made you smile instantly when the unknown guy draped an arm around you. 

Noah’s smile had slowly faded as his heart started to fill with dread. He had watched as you and the guy walked the other way, your arm snaking around his waist as you laughed at something he said, all while the guy you’d loved since you were 20 stood frozen on the other end, quietly feeling the heavy blow you had left on his chest. 

Unlike him, you had actually moved on. 

And he had no idea what to do with that information.

Driving on autopilot with his jaw clenched, he had made his way home with that scene on replay in his mind. Seeing you with another guy, smiling wide as if some stupid bastard had not broken your heart a year ago, had taken him five steps back from his effort of moving on. If he had even made any progress at all. 

Jolly had been hopeful when Noah got back from his date, but the pretty lady his friend had the pleasure of knowing over dinner, and the digits he had saved on his phone, had all been completely forgotten. Just when Noah had finally met someone with whom he could play Halo and binge-watch Demon Slayer day and night, he had let the image of you in the arms of another man take over his psyche as he once again wallowed in self-pity.

So instead of getting himself out and trying to meet new people, Noah channeled the two years' worth of heartache, regret, and yearning for what could have been into his cathartic live screams and into new songs– some of which had seen the light of day, most had been buried in messy handwriting on his notebook.

And he had been okay with it. Gradually, his life had become much less chaotic that way. He had tried to move forward on his own, not forcing connections in an attempt to fill the void that you had left.

But still, none of those meant forgetting about you had also become easy. 

How could it be when you had been his whole world for the majority of his adult life? When your smile was the only thing that had kept him going in the midst of all the chaos in the industry? When your simple yet assuring ‘I’m so proud of you’ and ‘I’m always here for you’ were the reason he had not imploded from the different kinds of pressure he had been getting ever since he got his band signed?

If anything, Noah continued to yearn. And he had been hoping that one day, he could get the chance to make things right between you. 

Whatever that entailed. 

-

To Noah’s relief, his friends’ incessant teasing died down eventually. As the wedding festivities continued with a live band, he stayed slumped in his seat, eyes fixed on your stained glass of water.

He wondered if you would be back any time now. 

How would he react to having you sit this close beside him? What would he say to you? Would you even look his way? But what if you had actually gone home? Or worse, what if you’re hanging out with Tyler? What if–

“You know she’s just outside, right?” It was Folio who halted his brain from spiraling. 

“Huh?” Noah cocked his head towards his friend after taking a nervous sip of his whisky.

“Seriously, man?” The younger guy snickered, shaking his head at how Noah was still playing dumb after everything that transpired in this wedding in just an hour. “You do all this sad boy shit, but the moment you get the chance to actually talk to your girl, you still choose to stay put? To stay here? With us? After everything?”

Davis, on his other side, snorted. “Nick’s right. You’ve been moping for two years now. What the fuck are you still sitting here for?” 

Noah just side-eyed him as he slowly exhaled through his nose. 

“This has dragged on for so long, it’s getting sad. What’re you afraid of anyway? It’s not like she’s gonna break up with you again, right?” Davis.

“And you do know she’s as stubborn as you. She’s not coming back to this table as long as your ass is still sitting here,” Folio added. He chuckled under his breath before muttering, “For all we know, she could be booking a ride home at this very moment to escape you.”

“Or, someone else could be asking her right now to come home with them,” Davis said. Noah’s almond eyes automatically turned into slits, glaring at his other friend while Folio giggled.

“Yeah, what’s the name of Nick’s cousin again?” Folio teased, playfully looking around the hall. “I haven’t seen him around for a while now.”

Noah’s jaw ticked, his Adam’s apple bobbing. 

For two years, all he did was sulk and pine for you as if waiting for a miracle– like you would appear on his doorstep and take him back one day with open arms, no questions asked. 

Two long years of regret and the unspoken fear of facing the reality of losing the best thing he’d ever had in his life. 

He knew his friends were right. They had been for a while now.

What was he so afraid of? 

What’s the worst thing that could happen?

“Fuck it.” Noah stood abruptly, chair scraping the carpet as he finally let his heart drag him to where he had always wanted to be.

Do it afraid, as people would say.

What was there to lose anyway when you were no longer his in the first place?

###

Taglist: @takeme1st @flowery-mess @leosunshine @gayfiretruck @concretedecisions

The reflections of shared bodies became blurry as the shower warmed up. Steam filling the bathroom further as the water smacked against the tile floor.  

Your forehead rested against Noah’s chest. You were feeling sick and didn’t want to shower, instead you wanted to straight to sleep. Your whole body felt heavy and uneasy. With discomfort expressed across your face, Noah leans down slightly, placing a small kiss against the crown of your head. Noah held you close in his arms, hands rubbing your back, trying to relieve your pain. His heartbeat pattering at a steady pace, providing a comforting beat to lull you to sleep.  

Noah’s hands slide down to your hips, slipping your tee shirt off. The shower was warm now and it was time to get cleaned up. Your skin was hot against Noah’s touch; he knew this shower would help relax your muscles and help your sleep better. Your eyes remained closed, barely awake, trying your best to help Noah undress you; you try lifting your leg only to get caught at your ankle. Chuckling at this lightly, Noah helps untangle your foot. Giving you a few encouraging pats once finished. You let out an annoyed sigh after. Taking his time, he slips off your jeans, setting them off to the side. 

Noah continued to undress your bodies, tossing your clothes into the hamper. Once he sees everything settled, he starts to make his way into the shower. Stepping inside, watching behind himself to make sure you got in okay.  

Pulling you closer to his body, Noah starts to run his hands across your stomach and breasts, soothing his hands against your skin, providing goosebumps to scatter across. 

The water starts to hit and run down your body, providing a soft massage against your joints. Noah’s hands start to work their way around your body, slowly massaging the soap into your skin, taking notes to massage in the process. Your body leaned against Noah’s chest; the water continues to hit your front. You continue to let out soft sighs of bliss. Having Noah’s hands touch you always relaxed you. The psychically relaxation you feel in your shoulders come when he wraps his arms around you, pulling you closer.  

Grabbing the shampoo and conditioner, making sure to use a generous amount of each. Noah made sure to check up on you, making sure you didn’t fall completely asleep and making sure he wasn’t using too much pressure and hurting you. So caring and delicate with you, he would only litter your body with love and admiration never anything less. Noah took any excuse to have right by his side, no matter how small or big the thing he was doing was.  

Cupping your breasts, Noah digs his fingertips slightly into your flesh, massaging the fat around his digits. Dropping his head down to yours, placing small kisses along your neckline. Making his was down, fingers spreading as his hands traveled further down. Noah took his time washing and caring for your body. Asking you if you were okay here and there. Once he was all washed up as well, he would reach out and grab a towel for you both.  

He would step out before you, making sure to hold his hands out for you to grasp, helping you step out as well.  

“Watch your step, princess.” Noah guided softly in your ear as your foot slipped a little.  

“Sorry…” you replied, tiredly.  

The quiet sleepiness came out slowly in a drowsy sense. Your eyes drift open and close again. Your hair is dripping wet behind your back. Noah smiled at you, admiring the beauty before him. He couldn’t be more grateful to someone like you in his life. Grabbing your towel, he slowly starts to dry your hair, gently rubbing and squeezing the water out. Occasionally glancing down to see if you would flinch from your hair being tugged. Patting your arms, chest, and the rest of your body dry, Noah takes the towels, wrapping you both up and making your way to your bedroom.  

Noah laid you down against the bed. Your back pressed against the mattress, feeling like you were on a cloud you started to feel yourself doze off. You hated falling asleep without Noah, so you try to shake your head. Rolling side to side, back and forth.  

Noah stood across the room, taking out two of his tee shirts and a pair of shorts for himself. It was going to be hot tonight and knowing his roommates the ac might be shut off. Turning his attention back to you, he sees you lying asleep. Your chest rising and falling slowly. Your eyes closed, lashes resting against your cheek bones. Chucking to himself, Noah made his way over to you.

Taking his time to change you and get you ready for bed. Wrapping his arms around, under your legs, he hoists you up, laying your head against your pillow. Noah knew this day took you out and exhausted you to the fullest. He appreciated the hard work you put in for him, and he would be sure to thank you gravely the next day.