𓇢𓆸𝔖𝔭𝔩𝔦𝔱

It's... PUNISHMENT TIIIME!☆

𓇢𓆸 Online Name: Split

𓇢𓆸 Age: A young adult

shhhh it's a secret

𓇢𓆸 Gender: demon Aboy (agender + wants to be perceived as male)

he/him pronouns just to make it easier for everyone else even though it's been years and it still feels weird using pronouns whatSOever

𓇢𓆸 A lifestyle landmine/jirai: will consist vents of...

self harm including cutting, alcohol, suicide, violent thoughts, hypersexual, gender dysphoria, yandereish thoughts, and this blog will be treated like a diary so be warn

CARRD!!!☆

there is so much I suspect of myself for many years but I'm just plain mentally ill because I'll most likely never step foot into therapy

𓇢𓆸 Obsessions I've went through: danganronpa, bungou stray dogs, needy streamer overload, and now the hundred line last defense academy

this post will change depending on the theme. For now, Ame and Darumi Osamu Dazai blue source made by kanadenendoroid and bandages dividers made by ybesys aka Yuki

I'm gonna fricking cry if I keep thinking about the job application. I can't help but keep looking at people's experiences for a job interview. People saying they got discriminated because they were trans. I put my preferred on the preferred name spot but someone said they just do that to be nice. What if I get deadname? Like it even matters when no one even gives a shit to look at the hints that I don't want to be called my legal name. I wait around for holidays to tell my mom to write down my preferred name. I think I'm just gonna tell everyone to use my preferred name on my birthday (if I even make it then) so I don't get deadname (I view it as a deadname even though I get called by it every single day) and so it's less awful of a day. I wanna fricking cry. I actually can't stop thinking about the job. What I would wear. What I would ask. What the job would be like. Just everything. Like moments I can think about something else, distract myself, but I just go back. What if I messed up on my job application? What if they don't want me anymore because I have scars? What if they don't want me anymore because I'm trans? What if they do want me but I'm misgendered the whole time and deadname? What if their are awful people there who don't like trans people? What if I'm so stupid at my job and I just fired? Trying to prepare myself is only fucking stressing me out but I can't stop thinking about it. What if I say the wrong thing? What the fuck do I say? I feel like it's so slow. People say to call but mom says to wait. I don't fucking know. I just wanna die. I wanna die. This wouldn't be a problem if I just died. I wanna die. I wanna die. I fucking die.

I hate that saying "suicidal people don't actually want to die, they just want the pain gone" It could be fucking sunshine and rainbows. have everything thrown at me. THAT WOULDN'T FUCKING SOLVE ANYTHING. I WANNA DIE I WANNA DIE I TRULY WANNA FUCKING DIE. FUCKING BEING HAPPY WOULDN'T FUCKING SOLVE ANYTHING. I DON'T SEE A GOD DAMN FUCKING FUTURE!!! HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE LIKE THAT!?!?!? THERE'S NOTHING THAT COULD ACTUALLY KEEP ME HERE BESIDES WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE ON THE OTHER SIDE AND PAIN YOU FUCKING MORON. I HATE THAT SAYING. I HATE THAT SAYING. I HATE THAT SAYING. I HATE THAT SAYING. I HATE THAT SAYING. I HATE THAT SAYING. I'M NOT EVEN GETTING THIS FUCKING JOB FOR THE FAMILY OR ANYONE. I'M GETTING THIS JOB TO MAKE MYSELF HAPPY TO GET THINGS I WANT. I'M FUCKING ENDURING ALL THIS STRESS FOR MYSELF BECAUSE I CAN'T FUCKING KILL MYSELF, OKAY?!?!?!?!?! BECAUSE I DIDN'T KILL MYSELF, BECAUSE IM A FUCKING COWARD, IM GETTING A JOB, IM SPENDING THE MONEY HOW I WANT AND I WILL GET WORSE AND FUCKING RUIN MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate people who say it got better. It will vet better IT WILL NEVER GET FUCKING BETTER. THE FUTURE IS FUCKING ALONE. THE FUTURE IS ONE FHCKING DELUSION BECAUSE ITS ALL IN MY FUCKING HEAD BECAUSE EVERYONE WILL DIE OR LEAVE OR MOVE ON AND I'LL HAVE NO ONE I'M NOT GETTING THIS JOB FOR MY FUCKING DREAM OR ANYONE BECAUSE NO ONE WILL BE THERE LONG ENOUGH ANYWAY BESIDES THE PEOPLE IN MY HEAD. I HOPE I DIE IN MY SLEEP. I HOPE I DIE IN MY SLEEP. I HOPE I DIE IN MY SLEEP . I HOPE I DIE IN MY SLEEP I HOPE I DIE IN MY SLEEP I HOPE I DIE IN MY SLEEP. I FUCKING HOPE I DIE IN MY SLEEP. I WILL GET ENOUGH MONEY TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF.

I feel the horriblness inside of me because I showed my tomodachi life island to my brother and what if he saw something bad I added? I feel the horriblness inside of me. I feel the horriblness inside of me. I feel the horriblness inside of me. I feel the horriblness inside of me. I feel the horriblness inside of me.

I think I'm just gonna die in the heat if I get the job because too afraid of the possibility, I get the job, I show up uncovered by the arms, and then I get fired or told to cover up my arms. I don't even know how to bring it up without straight up telling them I cut myself and it's not like I'm gonna stop. I don't really see it as a problem and it isn't life threatening by the length I'm doing. Plus it would be kinda awkward coming showing my arm and then covering it some days and then I had more than before. I think I don't care what strangers have to say. Even if we were to somehow become friends, I still don't care. I feel some anxiety just thinking about it. Yeah I'm just gonna die in the heat. I mean I did that all throughout school and I wasn't cutting then. It's because I loved hoodies so fucking much. It was more comfortable to wear a hoodie and I was too use to wearing hoodies at the time so not wearing one felt like I was naked so I honestly just sweated some days.

For hours my throat feels like I was strangled (I was not, I don't know why I feel like this)

The minute I feel awkward in a conversation my brain tries to convince me I'm better off alone and it works!☆ (help me)

I hate the thoughts I'm having. I feel like a creep.

I'm getting ignore, aren't I? Or maybe I'm just not that close with them. Or maybe I'm not socializing good enough. I don't know what to say so maybe it really is me not anyone else.

Blasting music in my ears and drinking an energy drink is the ultimate combo!☆

these are the ones I got. I like them so I'm gonna get more with Zero Ultra. hopefully I get a job so I can buy them wherever.

Why is there 3829821 words for the same thing? Like dhaodbjqbdiwnskashakduansbs

I just worry the moment I wake up. Worry about my life. Worry about other's lives. Worry about the what if's. Worry I'm not attentive to my friends.

The whole "don't cover your scars 🥺 they are beautiful 🥰 be confident in them" in a world where every place you go they are fucking judging you or you are triggering to them or concerned is absolute bullshit. It's very complicated because it's back and forth whether or not I want care or to be left alone. And it's so fucked up that I only feel kinda comfortable locking the door to uncover my arms. If I never cut myself on my arm, this would never have been a problem. Freedom feels like a riddle in this world.

I don't know what to do with my scars if I even get a job. Do they force me to cover it up? Is it my option if I want to cover them or not? HOW THE FUCK DO I BRING IT UP WITHOUT TELLING THEM I CUT MYSELF RAAAAAAAHHUUUUUUUUGGHHHHHHH I can't even cut myself this week because my sister wants to do the pool thingy again. Not like it's been on my mind much anyway.

I don't think I care if strangers see them, I just don't want my family seeing them but then that's a problem when I would get dressed at home and then be drove to work so without a doubt at least my mom would see them again.

I want to try the energy drink I got but also I get sad when I just have one left. I want a warehouse of energy drinks.

I don't like when I can't stop thinking about something because when I woke up, the first thing on my mind— the second I could, actually, I was thinking about what to say during an interview. I'm this worried about it. I can't help it. I need to be 100% ready even when I didn't apply for the job. And also I need to not think I'll get the job just because it sounds nice to me. They could ghost me or deny me the job. I can't get too excited about finally having a job. I don't know if having a full time job would be better or a part time so I can still do things I like and it's not just work work work work work work work work work because I still want me time. I feel so bad about the cosplay I have and not using and especially the ring light and the treadmill. But it will all be worth it maybe I'll have the money to give back mom. Ugh but that's exactly what I said to my sister that I didn't want to do because it wouldn't make me feel less guilty but that was because I wasn't doing anything for a job but now because we are doing something for a job, even jusg an idea, I'm thinking about it too much like I already have the job. I hate this about myself. I either see almost every possibility that could happen or I didn't even think of one.

I kinda noticed it. Like of course you act like a "different person" when you're with your friends, family, pets, coworkers, teachers, strangers irl, strangers online but it kinda feels like I'm on a different planet. Not that it's that drastic but it just seems people do it little when they are around others. Not sharing things too personally, how they really think, like vague stuff you don't need to know right now but with me it's like a whole different filing. Like getting a whole new job. Everything is different. Is that just people? Am I just explaining how relationships work? It feels so weird.

I can't comprehend my brother actually giving a shit about how I feel when we hang out. I just know how he would respond to that so I shouldn't even say anything. It's kinda annoying. He'd be like "do you think I don't care about you?" and then laugh (apparently it's an awkward laugh but it feels like he's laughing at me everytime he does it). It's not that I don't think he cares about me. I know he cares about me but I feel like we are kinds distant like we don't get each other. We don't fight and it's not totally awkward when we are in the same room so we can have a conversation together but he's not someone that gets me and not someone that I get. Like you know interests. So we don't hang out much and when I finally feel like we get each other it's still so awkward so when he notices how I seem when we hang out I can't comprehend he actually gives a shit because he's always hanging out with everyone else. Like why bother with me if you're having so much more fun with them? And I just know he would say something like "I want to hang out with you because your my sibling." Like fucking of course I know that but it feels different. "How does it feel different." He gets on my nerves always questioning everything and then laughing and then says he's not laughing at me. It feels like it. And then he calls things dumb. You're dumb.

I can't explain it well but it's always with guys. guys I deem "cool" or I wish to be like. I want their friend group. I want their ability to be so smooth in conversation. they get the jokes. they say the right things. yes, they look perfect in my head even though no one is actually perfect. they have what I want. I want to be their friend so I'll be apart of the cool people but I just never seem to fit in. I can just tell, just with how they behave, the atmosphere. It's like I'm a fly on the wall. no one is looking at me like they do when it's you. they are chatting with you because you're their friend. I'll never have that kind of friend where it's smooth and cool and funny and no one gets worried about how they word their sentences, no one takes anything personally, no drama, everyone acts like an adult like they have everything together even though everyone is still human and will make mistakes but I haven't seen it yet.

So I can't comprehend he gives one shit about how I feel. How am I even in your world? I barely feel like I'm in this world. How does anyone give one shit how I feel? What do you mean you noticed?