A Little Finn Makes a Big Splash

Welp.... I’m here at residential.... I made it. They say that’s the hardest part. I’m not so sure. I think the hardest thing so far is that I did come here of my own accord. I know I need help. It’s hard to be here and see that without being able to cope poorly, how addicted I really was to those coping skills. My physical and mental health are both really suffering. Seeing lab tests come back poorly really shows me that there really is a problem and that what I am doing is not healthy. I want to be healthy. I want to be able to run well and feel good doing it again.

I did get to play Super Smash Bros. Melee with a friend who came to visit me today. This was very uplifting in its own right, but I was really pleased that I was able to notice that my reaction times were so much faster than they have been in a long time.

Recovering from eating disorders comes with A LOT of physical and mental discomfort. Not only have I been in severe physical pain during recovery, but I have also been numbing myself mentally with the eating disorder. The return of food brought the return of both emotions and memories. I have been constantly on the verge on tears for mostly no reason (other than the obvious). I also have Complex PTSD that made a strong reappearance with a lot of distressing memories and intense flashbacks. I am thankful for the support the staff offers through those difficult times though. They really are great about reminding you that you are here because you want to get better and that they believe that you can. Distraction has also really helped me. The staff is great about talking about things that they know I am interested in and that will get my mind off of bad things.

The people here are also so great. There is so much diversity, not only in race, gender, and background, but also the issues that they are struggling with. I never thought that group therapy would be something that would be anything but horrifying, but honestly, it has been incredibly helpful to hear about the struggles of the people I live with and talk to every day. They often say things that they are feeling that I too am feeling, but did not realize it.

Hey, guys! Sorry for not updating very often. It’s been a hard and busy time for me. On Wednesday, I have to leave and go to a residential eating disorder clinic. I’ve been struggling off and on since I was 15, but with all the stress and changes in the family and myself and trying to get through school, things took a bad turn fast and before I knew it, both my mental and physical health were at an all time low. I believe my issues definitely stem from gender dysphoria and a need for control, especially when my life is as out of control as it has been the last 6 months or so.

This blog was meant to try to help myself and others overcome issues with their mental health. It gives me a platform to discuss things like this, and it really helps me to think that maybe someone could see what I write and relate to it or gain something from it. I went a long time having to cope on my own without help, and I learned a lot, but I’ll finally be getting the help I need now, even though it’s probably the hardest and scariest thing I’ve ever done.

Hey, Tumblr! Sorry for not posting anything for a few days. I’ve been really busy figuring out myself, my life, and what I need from other people, as well as what I can offer them. I feel like so many pieces in my life are finally coming together. This post is gonna be a little more personal to me than what I usually write, but I hope you guys can find value in it and apply it to your own lives.

I recently finished Bojack Horseman, as did many others. It was a great show, and it was really beneficial to me, especially with where I am at in my life right now. Anyway, I recently shared a scene from it on Facebook. It was the ending scene, where Diane says that she thinks that “there are people that help you become the person that you end up being, and you can be grateful for them, even if they were never meant to be in your life forever.” I really do feel that this is such a true statement, at least in my own life.

I just came out of a bad relationship. It was an open relationship that only lasted a month, but it became very serious very quickly. It was the first break up I’ve had that ended on bad terms, but it was the only way it could have happened. What I realized was that not only were the issues I was having with her only with her, but also several relationships in my life. My boundaries were constantly being pushed, no matter how assertive I was, or how many conversations we had about it. Nothing I said was ever really heard, and certainly never respected. Now that it is over, I feel I had a good time in the relationship, but it would never have worked for longer. I do feel very relieved to have my freedom back and to only be surrounding myself with those I feel respected by. I learned that no matter if it is someone I am very attracted to, or family, or anyone, I deserve to have my needs and boundaries heard and respected. Even when things go badly, it really is important not to think of it as a waste of time, but as an opportunity to learn and grow.

Another example of this that a few months ago, I decided I wanted a small pet. I was just in a really bad place and would have been mentally unable to care for it. I decided that I would just wait and see what happens because opportunities are constantly presenting themselves, and people are always needing to re-home pets for various reasons. When my neighbor moved, for whatever reason, he was unable to bring his pet, Lonzo, a snow (pure albino) corn snake with him, and asked me to watch it. He told me that his friend would pick it up in about a week to take to his new place. I kept asking, and the friend never came. The snake was with me over a week and a half and I hadn’t seen him once. When I told this to the neighbor, he said that it was odd, but that I shouldn’t worry. I was, in fact, very worried, and believed that there was either no snake in the tank and that at some point, before I had received him, he had escaped, or that he was dead. TURNS OUT that a week later, the cutest and most beautiful snake I had ever seen emerged and shed his skin. After some research, I learned that snakes hide away for a while when they are in shed. Afterwards, he came out a healthy, active, and responsive snake! I asked if the neighbor was looking to re-home him, and he said that he was, and I immediately snatched the opportunity because I knew that it was meant to be. It is not a very good time for me to be taking care of a new pet, but no time is perfect, so I decided that, no matter what, I would make it work because he chose me and I, in turn chose him. I feel a very personal and real bond and spiritual connection with him and the snake as a totem animal for me. I really do feel that him and the circumstances of him coming into my life are meant to help and teach me. In this case, what started as a bad and concerning situation turned out to be one of the best decisions I’ve made because just one little snake has given me so much happiness and hope where I’ve had none for a very long time.

Hey guys! I’ve been having to take some time off of work and school to get my mental health back on track. Luckily, this has given me some time to spend with the family I haven’t gotten to see much since I moved out.

My sister and I were both big QinniArt fans and it was one of the things that really brought us together, which is something we struggled with as kids. We just have very conflicting personality traits and it’s sometimes hard for us to see eye to eye, so having something we have in common is really great. My other sister is at college, and the sister at home had happened to just get her wisdom teeth removed, so she got to be home with me some this week.

One thing my family has always really bonded over is Ghibli movies. We all watched them our whole childhood. Whenever we needed a pick-me-up, or were just bored, or for any reason, really.

This week, my sister and I happened to bond over watching “Kiki’s Delivery Service” and “The Secret World of Arrietty,” while we scrolled through Qinni tribute art, and worked on drawing our own. It just felt so wholesome.