Flo Finding Freedom

Unfortunately I’ve been driving the struggle bus lately. I’ve been out of my weight range since February last year. But I eventually got low enough that my team are being super strict. A few weeks ago my dietitian said that she couldn’t keep seeing me outpatient. I told her I’d gain weight that week and I begged her to reconsider. She talked to my therapist and they have reconsidered.

I’m going on a trip for ten days at the end of February/beginning of March. After that, if they still think it’s necessary, then I’d be more willing to consider going back to treatment. But not before then. The thing is, if I lose anything then I’ll be below this special number and they’ll tell me they won’t see me outpatient. So there’s a chance my weight could slip and I’d be left without a team for a few weeks before/during my trip. Ugh. Why is doing the right thing so hard?

I’ve also been more suicidal - which I know is cos of all of this - and my self image is totally up and down. Some parts of me I see and I think I look too thin and awful. Other parts are ALWAYS way too fat and I think I should lose weight so that I can be more in proportion. I’m pretty tired of fighting everything. I don’t really have any hope or any motivation lately.

I say I’m fat. It’s ok for me to lose weight. Why is it a problem?

My friend says I’m very thin and I look very sick.

I don’t see it. My weight could still be lower

I can’t remember how much I’ve shared before but in the past 12 months or so, a lot of digestive issues have popped up. Cramps, severe constipation, diarrhea, pain, bleeding. It’s not fun. It’s not glamorous. It’s the reality of an eating disorder.

My body has been irrevocably damaged by anorexia.

So I saw my GI doctor again this morning. She said I looked thinner than last month. Which brings up complicated feelings. Frustration that she commented, sadness that I’m sick, pride that I’ve lost noticeable weight, anxiety that I can’t get myself back on track, fear that she’ll also notice and comment when I gain weight, etc.

Then she sent me to get x rays done so they can see what’s going on inside my bowel a little. Then we scheduled a colonoscopy.

Y’all want to know what you’re supposed to eat for the ENTIRE DAY before a colonoscopy?

NOTHING. Ok, you can have clear liquids including soda, apple juice, Gatorade, broth, etc, but nothing else.

When I told my therapist later this morning I couldn’t stop laughing. Not out of happiness, but out of irony. If we didn’t laugh we’d have cried 🤷🏼‍♀️.

The x rays triggered me a little which I wasn’t expecting. Seeing the shape of the bones and my flesh around them just activated something in me. It wasn’t necessarily good or bad, it was like I felt I had to analyze everything I was seeing. I took pictures of the x rays and I’ve since picked them apart visually, finding all the bones, examining every muscle and organ I can distinguish.

So it’s been a long day. I FaceTimed with my dad at one point and I honestly don’t like the way my face looks right now. I don’t want to say it’s ‘too thin’ because it feels like that’s not a thing. I FEEL like it’s just a bad shape, but I used to like it when I was 12/13. Honestly, if I could gain some weight in my face, that probably wouldn’t be a bad thing and it would make me less self conscious on FaceTime.

Good news: I ate 100% of my meal plan today and yesterday and I’ve kept it all down.

So my dietitian just told me that she’s leaving. She’s moving away to work in an inpatient setting with people with eating disorders.

My eyes got watery but before I could begin crying I shut down. I didn’t say anything, I stared at the ground and squeezed the thinking putty into my palm. I let the voice in my head take over.

“You could just quit it. No other dietitian would want to see you twice a week. If you tried to see K again she’d just get tired of you or send you to treatment. See this is why we don’t trust people, this is why we can’t let people in, because then we get hurt. You’ll feel better if we can just restrict a bit this week. This was all a bad idea. Trusting is a bad idea. We’ll shut ourselves up like a box. Maybe we could just do this with E (therapist). It doesn’t matter. It’s fine. You have me. Why does everyone leave us? You’re never going to get better, everyone just comes and gos.” Etc etc etc.

This continued for at least 5 or 10 minutes. L (dietitian) asked a few times if I had anything I wanted to say/ask/discuss about it but I I tried to do a half smile and shook my head. At the end I said bye and that I’d see her on Thursday.

I’ve never had a dietitian as therapeutic as her. I need a dietitian as therapeutic as her.

I have my therapist’s number so eventually I texted her (I hate disturbing her when she’s not at work) and we had an emergency phone call which really helped me figure out how to get back on track.

I’m doing much better now. Although today I saw my dietitian and it wasn’t weigh day but she keeps talking about treatment and whether she wants me to go back to inpatient etc.

I reminded her today - I REALLY want to figure this out in outpatient, that is my goal and my challenge, I can’t just keep going back to treatment. I’m medically stable and over the past few days I’ve done well to turn things around from the weekend.

I just want some patience. And yet at the same time I want to be realistic about whether I can actually gain this weight by myself.

Has anyone else been able to convince their team to let them stay outpatient at a low weight as long as they’re medically stable?

I don’t want to go inpatient, I don’t know what the solution is. I have so much weight to gain but absolutely every part of me screams it is wrong and bad and I just don’t think I can do it.

Things are going... up and down?

Mentally I feel like I’m being tortured every night. Physically my weight continues to go down. My team are basically letting me get away with anything at the moment 🤷🏼‍♀️. I’m eating most of my meal plan but I’ve basically found out how to eat just enough that I don’t have to go to treatment but not so much that I gain - or even maintain - my weight.

I’m really enjoying working with my new therapist, I think she’s great and she actually gave me her personal phone number and told me to contact her whenever which is just a huge blessing.

I have had a bunch of GI issues lately. At the moment my GI doctor and I are still trying to nail down exactly what’s wrong. I’ve been given a diagnosis of IBS and we’re working through a couple of different supplements/medications to see which ones help the most. I can’t eat dairy right now (not even lactose free) and I’m staying away from meat. I’m also hyper controlling about my food anyway.

I think I’m trying to live the best of both worlds - keep my eating disorder and lose weight/be underweight, whilst still living my life and doing what I want to do. And to be honest, it feels like I’m succeeding and I’ve been succeeding since February. I think I can keep going like this. I’m not at my lowest weight yet so I don’t see what’s stopping me.

It’s like I’m fucking untouchable. I have some freaky kind of immunity where for once no matter what I do no one seems to react. Feels kinda good right now tbh. Makes me feel like I’m in control.

My dietitian can next see me on Thursday so I’ve basically missed a week with her. Whilst I’m not doing so good. Like not good at all.

This was a huge challenge for me from an ED perspective.

My whole team (including my psychiatrist) knew about it and encouraged me and it really felt like a good achievement and I don’t feel like I have enough of those recently.