2 Years of Tears - A Personal Look at Depression
As I am writing this, I am nervous. Being vulnerable is hard, and this post is going to be a bit long but please bear with me because I donât think Iâve ever made a post thatâs as important.
Knowing that I cry often and thinking that it seemed a bit odd, two years ago, I decided to keep track of how many times I cried for the year. Starting on January 1st, 2017, I updated the count that I had going, and ended it on New Years. For 2017 is was 294 times. Thatâs a lot. In fact, if you were to average it out, thatâs more than once every other day. Now, thatâs not how it worked out. There were weeks, months even, that I wouldnât cry at all. There were also days where I cried so much that I became extremely dehydrated. And not every time I cried was I sad. Sometimes there were tears of joy, and sometimes I saw a cute dog, or a sad movie. But those times do not account for much of the times.
Itâs important to note, that the average woman cries 64 times a year. Crying 294 times is nearly 4.6 times more than that. Thatâs not good. Thatâs not healthy. And before anyone can say that this is for attention or that I wanted to cry as much as possible, no. Just no. I donât think anyone would want to be so overwhelmed by emotions that they cry. I donât think that anyone wants to feel their throat tightening, knowing that theyâre losing control of their ability to speak properly. I donât think anyone wants to be in that kind of pain. I donât want to be like this.
By August in 2017, I was well past 100 times crying for the year and decided that I had something wrong with me. I went to see a therapist. She told me that I have Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). Thatâs been a hard pill to swallow. Itâs one thing to feel sad a lot, but without a diagnosis it could always just be because it was a âbad dayâ and there was always the hope that tomorrow everything would be fine and I wouldnât feel like that again. But knowing that there is something wrong with me, something that I cannot fix, causing me to feel this way, itâs terrifying. It scares me, and makes me feel alone. I donât want there to be something wrong with me. Yet at the same time, I feel like Iâve known this was a part of me for a long time but I did not want to admit it to myself. I didnât want there to be something wrong with me, and I thought that if I ignored it, it would go away. But it didnât.
So, I kept going to therapy. In December of 2017, I decided that it was right for me to try taking medications to help treat my depression. I was so afraid to make that decision, because medications and mental illness have been so overwhelmingly stigmatized and demonized. But nevertheless, I went to a psychiatrist. Luckily, she was great and we got me on a medication that has worked super well for treating my specific symptoms of my MDD, the major symptom being an extreme lack of energy. That does not equate to laziness. Laziness is not wanting to do something, depression is wanting to do something, but having your body feel so heavy that the thought of even getting out of bed to brush your hair seems like an impossible task, let alone writing a 10 page paper analysis or reading a book for class the next day.
SO, for this past year I have been on the lowest dose possible of my medication for my mental illness. And I continued to count the number of times that I cried. Besides just feeling better this past year, I have actual numbers to prove that my medications have helped me. Instead of crying 294 times like in 2017, in 2018 I cried only 76 times. Keeping in mind that a study done showed that on average woman cried 64 times a year, 2018 was nearly âaverageâ for me. Me, a person with MDD, cried only 1.2 times more than a ânormalâ person. I could not be happier to see this. I know that I felt ânormalâ this past year on medications, but having numbers back that up makes me feel so much better about everything. The stigma behind mental illness and medications is terrifying, but for me, these past two years have shown that I am doing what is best for me. My treatment is working and I couldnât be happier.
I have now stopped counting how many times I cry. I have accepted it as a regular way to show emotions, and I feel like I am in a healthy place emotionally. It is important to know that Major Depressive Disorder and other mental illnesses are based on chemical imbalances in the brain. My brain decided that it was not going to make enough Serotonin and Norepinephrine for me to function properly. My medication makes up for that.
Before anyone says that depression and mental illnesses are not real, and that I just need more love in my life, or need to workout, or need to do things I love, you are wrong. I go to the gym four times a week, I am in the most incredible relationship with one of the best people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, and this past semester I have ever had academically (I made Deanâs List, even). But there are still days when my depression gets the better of me. And thatâs okay.
Basically, the point of this gigantic post is to share my story of how I have struggled to deal with my mental health these last few years and hopefully to destigmatize these issues to some degree. Numbers are nice to see and they have been eye-opening for me, and I hope that they can help you as well.
So basically, Iâm still me. Iâm more me than ever because I finally have the energy to be myself again. Medications arenât the problem, not treating mental illness is. Take care of yourselves.
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