:O

I got a job at a gas station across from a casino and a guy keeps coming in to buy whole cartons of cigarettes and talks in the third person calling himself "snake eyes pete" and every time I tell him his total hes like "tell ya what if old Pete rolls a snake eyes why dont you give it to him for free?" and he rolls the same set of loaded dice on the counter and it does not matter how many times he rolls snake eyes I will not give him the cartons for free he gets so mad

Calico out there putting tuxedo on the mats

it’s so magical and beautiful that there are sprawling interconnected cave systems carved deep into the earth by various geological forces and you don’t have to go in them. there are miles and miles of stone passageways in total darkness that require you to exhale all the air out of your lungs to squeeze through parts of them and you don’t have to be there. some of these squeezes are underwater and require cave divers to take off their oxygen tanks and push them through ahead of them and me i am above ground looking at the sky as we speak. there are untold subterranean wonders no human has ever seen and i will not be the one to discover them #grateful #blessed

Pulitzer Prize type shit

Why's this dude built like crash bandicoot

Everything about this damn post is so funny to me. The lighting of the arm from the flash. The posing of the arm like a dramatic death from a novella. The fact the photo somehow got taken still and looks this good. The subreddit name. The fact this guy really is built like crash bandicoot

wow babe you’re really good at staying up incredibly late and barely sleeping every night

Everybody was Sun Tzu Fighting (Riff Designed to Piss Off Your Enemies of Choleric Temperament)

I know it feels good as fuck to cast spells from up there

I told my little nephew that I'd wave at his airplane when it flew over my house today, and he very calmly and politely explained that it wouldn't be possible to see me due to the limitations of human vision. I said he just had to squint real hard, and he took a deep breath and went into the toddler version of "see, what you're not understanding–"

You know I was thinking as I watched this that it seemed like an awful lot of trouble to go to for decorating the top of a pastry

mike, it's actually more interesting for audiences that margaret is an abusive religious fundie (and also a victim of marital rape) who tries to literally beat the idea of sin into her daughter, it is actually TIMELY to adapt that correctly at this particular american moment. WHY is he so scared of every piece of source material that has ever been handed to him? i MUST know

what if carrie was about a young witch searching for a missing cat in the alps