tw: self image/body+food issues, etc.
will probably delete this later as it feels a little vulnerable to share, but. today, i went to my normal clinic specifically for the de quervain’s in my wrist. when i arrived, the clerk told me she needed my height and weight. i politely but srsly said i'd rather not today as i was only here to have my wrist treated, that my charts were all up to date. not budging, she insisted, rolled her eyes, told me to "close my eyes then" if i was so sensitive. getting off the scale, i was honest and expressed that acknowledging my weight may trigger some mental health concerns. she handed me a piece of paper with that number on it anyways, on top of/unrelated to the paperwork i actually needed to fill out about my wrist.
maybe they felt they were just doing their job, or are fortunate enough not to understand what it's like to fight through unhealthy relationships with food, bodies, etc. but glimpsing that number fucking unraveled me. firstly; in my adult life, i’ve INTENTIONALLY avoided going to the doctors/taking care of myself sometimes because of the obstacle of addressing my weight. so- it's been a big point of pride for me that i am actually able to drag myself to the doctor and take care of my mental and physical well-being lately, because i couldn’t always. but- it unravelled so much work i've done, to be able to look at myself most days; to respect & care for my body regardless of how it looks.  i went to work shortly after, feeling ashamed of myself, skipping breakfast, subsisting off of coffee, a half cup of coconut yogurt, the whole day. i came home with a splitting headache, and ugly-cried for an hour in my car. i finally ate this amazing soup i made earlier this week, and hated myself for enjoying food so much.
i'm not sharing this, because i want you to make me feel better, but because it shouldn't happen. most days, i could care fucking less and if u have anything shitty to say, i'll offer you a slice of my pizza to shut you up. i am most of the time smiling and doing whatever i want, and i don’t share with a lot of folks my history of anxiety/past eating disorders/self esteem things.
but like, can i go on a tangent for a second? when i talk about stuff like this in person, or on the internet, i love love love all of the good feels i get from talking with the folks around me, people who do things like use content/trigger warnings on the internet for pretty much anything that warrants it, etc. however, i also do see so many eye rolls like i did today, and like- folks who find it kinda edgy to mock "triggers" and write it off others being "too sensitive." i notice this in almost every community i am a part of, and amongst folks i might otherwise have the world in common with. for me, it’s self image stuff among others. i also feel accidentally exposed to food shamey attitudes ALL THE TIME, especially in the vegan community/running two food related businesses, etc. the thing is, that we don't know what will/won't trigger someone else.
if someone literally makes it clear to us what some of those things are (ie. clearly stating "hey, if you talk about 'x' thing it will affect my mental health/feels/well being"), it's our responsibility to then process that information i think, and do our best to be decent humans to each other. if you don't know, just tread carefully/use your sensibilities. that 2 minutes exchange today totally destroyed months worth of self care, good self esteem, etc., and maybe if i were "stronger," or "less sensitive", it wouldn't have mattered, but i'm not and it did. i'm drinking some good tea, eating snacks, and going to bed soon to hopefully start things off better tomorrow, but just like. i love you guys and also be awesome and gentle to each other and also your rad selves and stuff. and also like i am always here to chat or whatever if u want. sorry for rambling if you actually got this far. xo
andulkaphoto
areudirty
janainaart
