Flapjack State

When non-autistic parents of autistic kids find out that I’m autistic they generally have some combination of a few predictable reactions.That I must be sooooo high functioning and diagnosed with Asperger’s and probably pretty recently too. That even if I did previously have the full blown autism like their kid that any ability I have now must be the result of intensive therapy/ABA/whatever they consider the closest thing to a cure or else some sort of non-duplicatable miracle that could never penetrate their child’s autism.

I am definitely not any sort of life expert. I struggle to do virtually everything I do, and what I do manage to get done is generally still far below what most people consider “the bare minimum.” But I can at least say that whatever “functionality” I do have has only ever been non-traumatically and sustainably improved by accepting what my limits are and not excessively rushing or forcing things, even if they seem absolutely essential to survival.

I’ve learned to conserve my speech and budget my thoughts and energy. I’ve learned a bit about how overextending myself is a strategy that I have to consciously and deliberately employ in order to use it safely. I have a lot more to learn of course. But if I didn’t spend so many hours doing things like laying on the floor staring at “nothing” then I wouldn’t be able to do the things that people consider my achievements either.

why shouldn’t being asian, a trait that 60% of the world’s population possess, be considered the default for humanity?

That’s not because traumatized people are more likely to be abusive, and it’s not because “hurt people hurt people.”

Rather, it’s because abuse stems from attitudes towards the world, and values regarding how you treat people, and those are often passed down through families. If someone is taught that the person with the power gets to do whatever they want, when they have the power themselves, they’ll do the same. If a boy is taught, by how his father treats his mother and sisters, that men have to be dominant and controlling, that’s what he’ll be.

Less dramatically, if someone is taught that it’s okay to hit people who won’t do what you want, that it’s not okay for people to say no, that admitting someone hurt you or made you uncomfortable is an unprovoked attack on them, that children have to accept whatever their parents say because they’re their parents, that family business is not to be taken outside the family, and they believe these things are right and normal, that is how they will rule their household as an adult.

This, of course, assumes acceptance of the family values. That doesn’t have to happen. It is possible to change the values you grew up with. It is also possible to resist the teaching and refuse to grow up with them. This doesn’t have to happen in therapy, or in survivor communities, although these may for some people provide help. All that it takes is to decide that how your parents did things is not right, and you will not repeat it.

Someone who has made a conscious decision to unlearn the values that enabled and caused abuse is not going to suddenly become an abuser thirty years later like a ticking time bomb. But passing around ideas like “unless they get to therapy, victims will become offenders,” or “hurt people hurt people,” makes victims believe they might, and can lead to self hatred, depression, suicidal thoughts, and similar. It also makes many survivors terrified of having families they want.

(Frye 1983, p. 136).” Dee L.R. Graham (1995), Loving to Survive

(via quoilecanard)

Yeah!  This reality hit me a few months ago when a teenage boy at work said to another teenage boy, “ladies first!” in order to insult him.  Chivalry is not about respect or kindness.

Michelle K., First Love. (via asimetricna-vagina)

Lawd