Something that I’ve been thinking about as prompted by dating and/or having sex with multiple people, is the different feelings I have about sex in each type of relationship.
In my relationships where I feel the deepest intimacy or the desire for deep intimacy (emotional, etc.), I feel less inclined to have sex. I still want it, but I prefer it to be a part of some larger dynamic between us, something that enriches how we know each other, freak-style or not.
However, I still have delightful slutty tendencies that mostly manifest in one night stands, sexting, casual sex, etc with people I hardly know. It engages me in a totally different way, satisfies my curiosity about people and life, allows for a different kind of exchange of power, and I have no desire to connect this to romance in the slightest. And I like the element of risk.
There a probably a lot of questions I could ask myself but these come to mind first…
Do I attach ideas of risk to sex such that in a ‘safe’ relationship where I share in responsibility to a greater degree than with a stranger, I feel that sex is something that is ‘unsafe’ that could threaten the relationship?
What does casual sex satisfy in me? What makes it so different than sex in other relationships?
What does control look like for me and in what ways do I think I relinquish it? What does sex have to do with that?
The riskiest and most exciting sex I have is with men - why? Why engage in practices where fear based on past experiences is most apparent? Does it make me feel better or worse?
To what degree does this serve as reassurance? And reassurance of what exactly?
Do I fear my romantic partners will judge me for the kind of sex I have with strangers I meet on apps? Do I fear that they might be angry or confused as to why I don’t have sex with them in the same way?
There’s more to this, more to ask, particularly around sexual trauma, and I’m in some ways glad to have this opportunity to understand myself in a new way. Its hard to find people who relate, though I am grateful for the few friends who can.