╒ I╔ e 🌙 C▲╦

A present that feels like a punishment and freedom all rolled into one. The worst part is as I write this that voice in my head is telling me my words don’t matter and maybe it wasn’t that bad.

I don’t want to get into the specifics, not for protection but for peace.

I am a 0° Leo Moon with childhood trauma.

My birthday was made to be about a certain someone — think “grand gesture” of boomer love. Now, when I say boomer I don’t mean the generation. I am referring to the mentality to be entitled to another person’s time, moments, love, energy with zero regard for their wants/needs. To believe that children are possessions and not their own people who grow up. This all coupled with the incapability to see me as the age I am and purchasing me gifts for a teenager. To be so utterly unseen by someone who should arguably be one of the people to clearly see you is something else.

Back to 2019: (when Midsommar came out) — Also the start of my love for Florence Pugh. I was a completely different person. I didn’t have Dysautonomia. I had no idea how to relate to Dani’s grief. It was so visceral, but I didn’t understand it. I didn’t realize how shitty her boyfriend was either which was directly correlated to the people I was watching the movie with at the time.

An interesting aspect of the first time I watched it is that I had previously worn contacts the day before and forgot to bring glasses for the next day. I could see for the most part, but now it just feels poignant that I “couldn’t see” multiple aspects of the movie including the main dynamic of Dani and Christian. Don’t get me wrong. I knew that he was falling short, but it was so unclear to me what that was, what it meant and how it played out.

The amount of knowledge that I have acquired regarding relationships alone since then is insane. Not to mention, astrology, tarot and everything else I’ve loved in the past 6 years.

P.s. hands are not my strong suit 🫣

I have worked hard to reparent myself and be able to discern who deserves to be in my life. I have made mistakes and learned how to have compassion for my past self.

Shame is such an ugly sludge of a thing. It grabs onto your memories and taints them.

I promise you deserve forgiveness like everyone else. Please forgive yourself for all the times you didn’t/couldn’t stand up for yourself.

In 2008:

I especially thought this opening scene was so hot and wanted a partner who would do this with me.

I was graduating high school and starting college. I remember resonating with this movie far too well for being 18. I had no interest in having children and very much felt the way Kate does in the movie.

I would find out a loooong time later that was due to…..

Even though I had this visceral reaction to the movie and knowing how I felt I still almost made the decision to have kids for someone (years later). In the end, I changed my mind and ended the long-term relationship.

I am grateful every day that I did. I was so worried I couldn’t find someone who didn’t want kids. It felt like every one around me already had kids or wanted them.

Today, I am 36, I have never had such an in-depth relationship with myself or another person (my partner of 10 years). I do not regret the choice I made or the people I released during that ending.

Keep in mind when using a spread you can always pull more cards. For example if for the first question I feel there are more ways than one abuse has affected me I can pull multiple cards.

I made a couple of blank tarot spread templates and I will be adding them to my resource website. ⬇️

Next tarot series I’m thinking of focusing on career or purpose. It’s a question that I am trying to answer right now myself so what better way to channel that into helping others also answer the same question.

I am in that weird phase where I am building my friend group because Uranus taught me a lot. I am barely 3 years out from being a people pleaser. I have Saturn in Capricorn so this is my work.. boundaries iykyk. If you do I am sending all the love. This is a lonely phase 🫂

Halloween was lots of fun but reminds me why I only drink like a few times a year now. I hate the hangover anxiety and overall feeling yuck. I was Chappell Roan ❤️

I bought a dance leotard from Goodwill and removed all of the fringe. I had a red one-piece swimsuit that I used for a prior costume and painstakingly sewed each row on the suit. Worth it. It scratched that creative itch I had.

I felt called to use my Kim Krans Archetypes deck when I reviewed this spread I made and let’s just say it’s accurate. 🥲

I absolutely love these decks and it gives me the depth I want as someone with quite a few Scorpio placements. The only one I don’t have is the Wild Unknown Tarot. I figure I am building my way up to that level of depth.

- Abandonment

- Neglect

- Abuse

- Insecurity

I am watching The Notebook right now, not only for the first time in a long time but also as a 35-year-old woman.

Some backstory would be that I have seen this movie so many times and I used to watch it as a 13/14-year-old and wish that someone would love me and see me (even though it was so deeply flawed).

I am now realizing the flawed parts of it kept me in a high school relationship that was not abusive but very much not healthy. There were quite a few arguments and the push-pull dynamic. The main issue would be the anger which I mistook as love and passion. Jealousy for care.

Another element that creeped into my psyche is that you would always end up with the person you started out with so I did think that for quite some time too. Now I see that person was an Aries Venus and I have SO much empathy for my 15 year old Capricorn Venus heart.