Fire & Desire

“Sometimes you don’t realize what you’ve done until you look at the damage.”

Bey

5/26/2016

“Bey are you out of your mind? You can’t do this?”

Label execut Marcus stares at me as if I have three faces. I proposed that this time around I do a more intimate tour versus a world tour. I made an oath to myself to live more for me and be present in more things regarding my family and friends.

“Remember when my first album dropped everyone thought I was crazy. People said I wasn’t fit to be solo. I love proving the masses wrong.”

“Columbia is expecting a world tour and I’m sure your fans are too.”

“I’m tired of over the top world tours. This album is my most personal to date. I want intimate settings like House Of Blues and BB Kings. Call Jake and tell him I’m doing a ten date tour and that's final.”

He doesn’t get a final word in I quickly leave the office in pursuit to me and Jay’s therapy session. Dr. Green has really gotten us to open up over the last year. Originally I was against therapy then I quickly realized my issues with my husband stemmed from far deeper places.

Julius has the day off when I’m normally dealing with personal affairs I allow him time to himself, plus Jay is here I’m certain he won’t allow anything to happen to me.

“Glad to see you made it.” Jay speaks in a snarky irate tone. Who the hell pissed in his cereal today?

“Hello father of my child.”

I decided to gift him the energy I was receiving back. We haven’t talked much since our blow out. We are even sleeping in separate rooms.

“Hey guys no need for the banter. We are here to dissolve the problems.” Dr. Green’s soothing voice reminds me of my grandmother’s. It so calm and warm.

“How are you two since the last time we spoke? I’m going to start with you Shawn.”

“I’m not doing good doc. I think she’s losing her trust in me again and we’ve worked so hard to not backtrack.”

“Is this true? Do you not trust your husband?”

“I don’t trust our past. I don’t trust the humiliation. As I recorded my album I had a lot of time to reflect on things. I’ve been hurt repeatedly. Sometimes I feel I’ve wasted a majority of my life on this relationship. I’ve been  in love with this man since I was 18. I don’t know much outside of him.”

“What the fuck are you saying Bey? You have a child and a family. If you’re thinking about going on your way or exploring you have another thing coming.”

“This conversation is over. You don’t own me Jay. You don’t listen you don’t care about what I fucking need.”

I’ve been following the rules of others for as long as I can remember first my father now my husband. Bullshit is something I’m tired of. I make my way out of the office without offering anyone a proper farewell. Shawn doesn’t have the luxury of fucking up on any levels anymore.

I catch a cab and propose a destination I’m not sure of. I could have went to Kelly’s or to my baby sisters but for some reason I need a fresh prospective on things. The cab driver comes to a halt and I peer my eyes towards the sky rise condo.

“Thank you so much sir.”

I’m uncertain if he understood me being that he rarely spoke English. I deeply exhale before trotting towards the entrance door. Here goes nothing.

Maurice Soft knocks at the door interrupt my sketching session. I can bet that its Lauren and she forgot her key. She left earlier to hang out with a few of her friends from high school. The door swings open and to my surprise its Bey in the flesh.

“H-i Hi.” I stammer my words a tad feeling flustered from the pop up visit.

“Hey I know this is kind of random but do you mind if I come in?”

“Shit if it wasn't for you we wouldn’t have this place so mi casa is su casa.”

She giggles while proceeding to come in. I look around the place to make sure everything is up to par.

“So what brings you around these parts boss lady?”

“I just wanted to check on you guys to see how everything was going. I also never got the chance to properly apologized for my actions towards you.”

“NO I understand I was poking at your personal affairs and it wasn’t my place I don’t plan to get personal with you every again.”

Her facial expression changed a bit. I can’t quite read how she is feeling. I’m not trying to be a dick I just want to respect her wishes.

“Would you like anything to drink or eat? I have baked chicken in the oven now.”

“What do you know about the kitchen?”

“I’m a country boy. My grandmother taught me everything I know. You can have some if you like.”

She shrugs her shoulders shyly and begins tampering with my sketchbook. I watch her brown eyes grow big in admiration.

“These are really dope Maurice. You and Lauren both are natural with this stuff. Where is she by the way?”

This would be the perfect time to show Lauren and I designs but I don’t want to be a hassle. She seems to have something on her mind.

“Thanks and she’s out with her friends right now. One of us should have fun out of the two.”

I’m a very laid back nigga. I don’t like everyone in my affairs and knowing things about me maybe that's the Taurus in me.

“You don’t have any friends or anything here?”

“Nah boss lady all of my loved ones are back home. Lauren and I are building a re-part with one another though. I like that a lot.”

She blinks her eyelids and exhales as if she’s in deep thought. She appears tired.

“I know how it feels to feel lonely with no one to talk to. Hell my computer is the only thing I trust with my whole being. It’s my journal, my vloging place and so much more. My computer is sacred.”

“You’re the most talented entertainer on the planet and loved by anyone. Someone should want to listen to you sometimes.”

She opens her mouth to respond and her phone begins ringing out of control. She contemplates answering it giving me a look of confusion.

“Give me your phone.” I say sternly gaining a small laugh from her. She looks at me crazy for a few moments and hands it over.

I place her phone on the counter and disappear into the hallway. I return with two blankets and a pillow.

“Lay down right now and get you some rest. Your burned out. I can see it in your brown eyes. Go to sleep Bey.”

Her mouth is agape and she begins to motion her frame to lie down on the couch. I place the blankets over her and shortly she is lightly snoring on the sofa. There's a lot I can tell she wanted to say. From her energy I sense she wanted to say more , but sometimes rest is the answer to things.

Lauren “Tell us about that fine ass man you’re staying with.” My bff Asia teases me about Maurice.

“There’s nothing to tell we’re doing an internship and becoming friends he’s a dope dude.”

“Whatever bitch if that was me I would have his cute yellow ass calling my name.”

It’s been a few months and Maurice and I are blossoming as friends. Is he attractive to me? Of course. He’s stylish, a great listener and not to mention family oriented.

“You’re always clowning get a life bitch.”

Suddenly the air around me changes. I feel an uncomfortable vibe surrounding me. I turn to my left to see my ex and like the snake that he is he slithers my way. My heart is beating at a rapid speed and I’m attempting to keep my composure.

“Hi Lauren. How are you?”

He appears to be nervous. I see sincerity in his brown eyes and I want to hug him. This man caused me so much heartache and apart of me is afraid of what he’s capable of. I attempt to smile through the pain as my friends embrace him. No one truly knows about the turmoil. I faced in that love affair.

Flashback . I smile a the sound of jingling keys because I know that means my man is home. He walks into the bathroom where I’m prepping my hair and walks right by me to enter our walk on closet.

“Well hello to you too nigga.”

“I don’t need all of that negative energy right now Lauren. I’ve had a bad day.”

“Or did one of your little bitches piss you off? I’m tired of this.”

“You tired of what? You brought this on yourself. If you weren’t such a nagging bitch I wouldn’t have to seek other woman.”

I remember a time where he wasn’t this disrespectful towards me. We used to laugh and have fun until we begin to hurt one another.  I know I haven’t been a saint in this relationship but my actions doesn’t warrant his behavior.

“You wont be talking all of that shit when I’m officially gone and in the arms of another man.”

“Do it and see if I won’t kill you and him. You belong to me.”

His threats fall upon on deaf ears because I’m aware deep down he wont execute any of them. He’s just talking out of his ass.

“I wish you would nigga you know my uncles just wanting our your bitch ass to try something.”

“Bitch are you stupid?”

I got in his face after being exhausted of the name calling. I raise my small palm in the air and meet his face with a harsh slap. The echo of my slap can possibly be heard on another planet. He holds the side of his face in astonishment mumbling inaudible noise.

I watch in amazement as he raises his hand to slap me back. My face and heart grown numb. I stand in confusion. Can I really be mad? Why am I living such a toxic lifestyle?

“Lauren how are you just going to ignore Keith’s fine ass standing there.” 

4/20/2016

“I know you don’t care too much but I still care.”

Lauren

The employees of Ivy Park have been whispering about our boss since Lemonade’s listening party. Personally I feel it’s kind of juvenile. It’s been a few weeks. The album should be dropping shortly. As a woman I admire her strength. She suffered and kept a smile on for the cameras.

A message icon appears on my desktop and I hoover over it carefully before opening it. It’s an urgent message from Bey saying that we have a meeting in five. I look over to Maurice who’s lost in his own little world. In the office he’s always reserved and observant, while at home we our always laughing about something.

I make a pit stop at his desk before making my way towards the corporate meeting room.

“What’s cooking good looking?”

He greets me with a side hug as his cologne lingers in the air. I take in his appearance. His H&M light washed jeans fit to perfection and accent his multi colored Memphis Grizzles jersey while his black and gray Jordan 1’s and gold chain makes his ensemble come to life.

“I should be saying that about you.”

“These rags are nothing.”

The subtle cockiness is actually attractive on him. Normally he is humble about everything. Maurice grabs a hold to my arm and interlocks it within his. This budding friendship that we have is refreshing to me. I left a lot of drama behind to be at this internship.

As we are approaching the conference room we notice we are the only ones heading in that direction. I mean sure we are the only interns but not the only people who work here. The door is slightly open, I’m the first to walk through the threshold.

“Hi Lauren. Hi Maurice.”

Beyonce is always in a cheerful mood no matter the hour or day she greets us. Something about her always feels so warm. Maybe its the country in her that makes me feel at ease. I am a fellow texan myself. I greet her with a simple wave of the hand and Maurice gives her a head nod.

“As you both know you are the only interns right now. I called this meeting specifically for you two. I’ve been checking out both of your sketches and designs. You two have a similar style. I would like you two to work together to create two mock designs of your choice. If the designs are dope they will be sold and you both will receive percentages of the profits.”

I was thinking maybe something like this would happen months from now. This isn’t a typical internship. Call me crazy but I expected to receive lunch orders and get coffee for employees.

“Bey I don’t want to seem ungrateful or anything but is this how it’s going to be the whole year? No mistreatment no hazing process?”

“No Lauren you two are here two learn and grown. If I wanted assistants and people to boss around I would have hired two assistants.”

Maurice has been quiet the whole time jotting things down in his notebook. He is probably sketching something that he does all day.

“Maurice do you have any remarks?”

“No boss lady just tell me when the deadline is and we’re good to go.”

Maurice

“I’ll give you all two months. I trust your visions.”

“Well if you two excuse me I’ve got some planning to do.” Lauren cheerfully exits the room.

Bey just giggles at her antics and I shrug my shoulders. I think this project between Lauren and I will be dope.

“Maurice do you have any questions for me?”

Bey’s brown eyes widened with curiosity. I have a few questions for her but none are regarding this project.

“I do have a question actually. Are you ok?”

“I don’t understand your question.”

“You walk around here daily in a cheerful mood but I know there are more layers to you. I want to make sure you are good. I know how it feels to be placed under scrutiny.”

“Maurice I’m grateful for your concern but I think this conversation is treading the thin line between personal and professional. You work for me and what goes on outside of this office shouldn’t be your concern.”

“I got you boss lady.”

I exit the room before she could get another word in. This conversation rubbed me the wrong way for a certain reason. I didn’t know she would jump down my throat.

Now its clear to me that I must keep things professional at  all times. The more I’ve listened to Lemonade the more I feel she truly has no one to talk to. ___________________ “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” Lauren tiptoes to the pot and raises the top.

“Get away from my pot now.” I shoo her with my hands. I decided to cook dinner tonight. I’m making deep fried chicken, dirty rice and cabbage greens.

I was raised by my country grandmother and she didn’t play about her food. We didn’t know what we were eating unless we smelled the aroma and it was done.

“Fine I’ll just pour us wine.”

Lauren grabs two glasses and pours red wine to the rims of both. Taking a seat next to her I examine her face.

“How was your day lil bit?”

“Better than most of my days. I’m glad I have you here. I can see it in your eyes that you’re worried about me. I will be fine.”

“I know we’ve only been around each other a short amount time I don’t want you to hesitate to talk to me.”

“Well I do have a confession. That day I broke down during our lunch is because I saw someone from my past. When he was in my life he wasn’t a pleasant person. I don’t want to scare you away so I will give minor details for now.”

“Thanks for opening up to me. Just know I’m here when you’re ready to tell me the rest.”

Of course curiosity is burning within me and I want to know more but I'm not into the prying business. Woman always open up when they’re ready.

“Enough about me how was your day? After the meeting with Bey you seemed a little spaced out. Did you get a call from home or something. Everything is alright with your grandmother and brothers?”

“Yeah she just misses me a lot. I’m going home one of these weekends and I would like you to join me. I know you haven’t left Texas a lot.”

“Thanks roomie. I am truly enjoying our bonding in all now let’s eat.” Lauren sets the table with silverware and plates. I come from a family where we ate dinner together so this is a temporary cure for my home sickness.

“God bless our bodies with nourishment. Bless our bodies with good food and last but not least bless the cook.” 

Lauren does us the honor and says grace. I place our plates on the table to prepare for our grub session. This shit is about to be delicious.

My phone begins ringing loudly. I look towards the living area contemplating if I should answer. Grandma’s rule was love and laughs are only allowed at the table. Even in adulthood I’m not allowed to be on the phone during dinner.

Bey

“Hi Maurice this is boss lady. I’m calling to apologize about my behavior. You were truly trying to help. Call me when you get this message.”

Making personal calls to employees has never been a sport of mines yet I find myself feeling awful for my actions earlier today. So many years I have been reserved that it terrifies me if I feel someone is attempting to enter my personal bubble.

My father taught me early one that as an artist your work should answer any questions fans have. I’ve rarely done intimate interviews or opened up. Its hard being this way. At times I journal my thoughts feeling I have no one to turn to.

Blue is away at my mother’s house and Jay is out in the studio. I often find myself feeling lonely in the one place that is supposed to bring me comfort.

To take my mind off things I decide to do laundry. Knowing that I do laundry can shock plenty of people. I’m just a practical country girl at heart. If it was up to me I would be a librarian or something. 

I begin ransacking through my family’s dirty clothing distributing the light washed in the light hamper and same for the dark. As I pull up a pair of customized Sean John jeans of my husband a strange fragrance invades my nostrils. I grab a hold of the jeans to get a better smell. Chanel number nine invades my nostrils causing my nose to twitch.

“This motherfucker.”

I yell loudly feeling myself grow angry. He couldn’t possibly be cheating again. We discussed how we were moving forward and that he wouldn’t jeopardize his family again.

I look at a photo of blue and her dad wondering if this heart ache is truly worth the trouble. He has been an outstanding father and a lousy husband. More and more everyday I’m feeling I don’t have time to waste.

Right on cue the jingling of keys are heard from the front door. I give myself a mental pep talk to hold my ground.

“Shawn what the fuck is this?” I snatch the jeans from the floor before shoving them in his face.

“Those are my jeans babe whats the problem?”

“The problem is they smell like some bitch and I want to know why. I’m tired of this shit. I think you like embarrassing me.”

“You’re jumping to fucking conclusions without proof. For all you know those jeans could have got mixed in with yours.”

“Fuck you. I don’t wear Chanel perfume. It’s nice to know that you are consistent in one thing and that's cheating. I told you last time that me and my baby can leave your ass where you fucking stand Jay,”

The tears cascading down my face makes me feel he’s won. I don’t want to appear weak on the battle field. With love you are constantly at war. Am I overreacting or is my intuition right? I don’t want to be tampered with or made a fool of.

“Bey I love you and Blue. You think I will do some shit again to hurt my girls? You are my life and I don’t want you to walk away from me.”

Bey

I’ve being working extremely hard on this roll out of my album. This era is extremely special to me. It’s my most personal to date. I didn’t hold back anything on this record.

My HBO special will be airing soon and tonight I am having a listening party for my family, friends and colleagues. I’ve already mentally prepared myself for the scrutiny I will receive after this project. I think every artist should be granted the opportunity to be vulnerable. I shy away from interviews but always use music to express my truths. “What you thinking about little mama?”

Jay intervenes with my heavy thought process. He has two glasses of Chardonnay tucked in his arms. I examine his aged face and brown eyes. I remember being smitten at the mere thought of him many years ago. I met my husband at 16 and only Kelly knew about the crush I had on the older man. I wouldn’t dare express my thoughts to my father. My husband pursued me when I was 19 and we engaged in a cat and mouse game until making it official on the night of my 21st birthday.

“I’m just nervous about how the album will be perceived.”

“Bey you’re a perfectionist. Your album will be dope."

_____________________

I take in the intimate scenery with all my loved ones. This will truly be a milestone in my career. I sashay towards the stage displaying confidence when in reality I'm nervous.

"Hey y'all thanks so much for coming out tonight. I put my soul into this album. I hope you guys enjoy it."

Echoes of my silent whimpers unveil the first track. Soft vocals and haunting production is heard throughout the room.  This track set the tone of my whole album.

You can taste the dishonesty it's all over 

your breath as you pass it off so cavalier.

But even that's a test constantly aware of it all

My lonely ear pressed against the walls of your world

Pray to catch you whispering

I pray you catch me listening

I pray to catch you whispering

I pray you catch me

During this time Jay and I were in a dark space. Our relationship was kind of floating in limbo. I was inquiring about infidelity only to find out my suspicions were accurate.

The room is in total silent I'm certain from disbelief.

Maurice

"Damn this album is not what I was expecting."

Lauren whispers in my ear right one cue as if we were identical. We are five tracks in and I'm in utter shock. This album has a lot of dark elements.

"Men are so stupid. Why would Jay take her for granted? I guess everyone goes through their issues behind closed doors."

Thanks to Hov's infidelity I will witness the raft of Lauren all night. This goes to show you everything that glitters isn't gold. Fans constantly place celebs on pedestals when they're only human like us.

This may be my favorite Beyonce project. I love the vulnerability that she displays. Something about artists stripping down to their rarest form makes me gravitate towards them.

As Lauren is stuffing her face with party favors I go over to congratulate Bey. She's in the middle of a circle with some of her friends. I don't want to interrupt.

"Who is this cutie?" Solange peels her shades from her eyes and begins gawking at me. I'm extremely flattered.

"Hey Maurice are you enjoying yourself?" Bey's infectious smile causes me to smile as well.

"Yeah boss lady I am. I just want you to know you did an exceptional job on Lemonade. Depth was truly showcased. I appreciate that. You are extremely strong."

"Thanks Maurice that really means a lot to me." She extends her arms towards me and embraces me in a warm hug. She smells immaculate.

"I'm going to let you guys get back to bashing men and enjoying yourselves."