Finn’s cavern

in the present, she’s managing emotional stress from cutting into children and comforting crying families. she’s managing seizures and the additional physical and mental toll that takes.

she’s managing a coworker who she’s smart enough to realize has internalized issues that he’s taking out on her, and she manages to placate him; make him feel seen by showing him her chart so he knows the ED is in good hands, and saying she respects him. she can do that while still standing up for herself, her students, and her patients.

she’s a mother taking on a very taxing new position where multiple staff members don’t trust her or even want her there.

in the past, she developed a devastating infection and from it lifelong symptoms: recurrent seizures which are likely still somewhat of a mystery to her as they are for many people with neurological disorders. she suffered trauma helping hopeful refugees and injured civilians in the middle of a war (many of which were pregnant women).

and she’s still somehow not only a functioning adult, but a beautiful human being with a happy child, a chief attending position, and the most patient and compassionate personality i’ve ever seen on tv

We finally hear him confirm that in his conversation with Dana in the emergency bay. "You're the person who's supposed to keep this place running when I'm gone." But Robby knows that Dana can't do that alone. The part of him that wants to die perhaps hopes that Dana can do it herself, but the other part, the part that wants to live, to be needed, knows that Dana is just as fallible and human as he is.

Then he lists Mohan's mistake, Mel and Ellis' deposition, McKay treating patients in the park, and Langdon's presence. Robby is delivering his proof to Dana that the ED cannot possibly survive without him. He is its beating heart, and if he dies, they all die, right?

Robby's hurting so badly, but he can't express it any other way than by pointing out how distracted and frazzled every else is. Tell him, Dana. Tell him the hospital needs him. Tell him everyone will fall apart without him. Robby says, "How am I supposed to go when this place is such a shitshow?" It's an easy, slow-pitch question. On another day, maybe Dana would give him the answer he wants to hear.

But Dana doesn't tell him that they need him. She does the opposite, in fact: she confirms Robby's worst fear. Unintentionally, of course, but it's done all the same. Robby is in crisis mode. Everything he is told and every argument he has feels permanent. For him, the conversation with Dana isn't a spat on a hard day at work. It's his death certificate.

"This place is bigger than one person. It survived without Adamson, it survived without me, and it'll survive without you."

you have the weight of the world on your shoulders and all you do is put more weight on your shoulders because you feel like you have to. it's your burden to carry. and you watch children die and you watch parents scream and maybe for a moment you allow yourself to be a little jealous.

because who do you have that would grieve like that over you? who do you have that would scream and cry when you're dead and gone? it was the other way around for you, a child crying for their parents, once and twice and a third time. but you have no children. not Jake, not really, not after what you did to him, not after that day. he would be so much better off without you.

maybe the emergency department is your child and all of your little interns and students and residents, but they don't need you, either. they've never needed you. maybe they'll be sad, but you don't have that kind of attachment with anybody. you've never had someone grab you by the shoulders and shake you and tell you that they can't live without you. the most you get is an almost hollow check-in. no one fights for you. why would they? no one needs you.

You don’t know what it’s like to have systems working against you systematically, to be caught in situations where black and white don’t exist, where there is no saving someone, where you can be the victim but still be perpetrating your own misery, to know that no matter what you do, you’re still incapable of fixing something perfectly.

You want clear lines drawn in the sand of this is the bad guy and this is what mental health should look like and this is what should be done in XYZ situation when the reality of it is so much more difficult and shaky and impossible. You want characters that are Good and ones that are Bad and the Bad ones don’t get to redeem themselves or fix themselves or have rocky reconciliation.

You shouldn’t be able to form hard opinions because this show constantly tells us that the real world is so much messier than that. People are messier than that. You think you understand characters perfectly but you show that nuanced and complex characters with flaws AND strengths are beyond your level of comprehension.

she's also not wrong. no, I don't think langdon should've gone to prison, I'm not exactly a fan of throwing people in jail, but he very well could have. addiction is one thing, stealing patient medication is EXTREMELY serious. it's not "not that deep" like he was actively endangering patients.

the "golden boy" comment wasnt because of Robby or anything, it was because baran already seems to favor langdon, and she's been harder on santos, just like all those months ago when not only was langdon downright abusive to her, heather and samira were also being hard on her. she is so sick and tired of being ridden and Langdon does in fact, waltz back in here, and instantly baran is sympathetic because baran is empathetic.

and yeah, some of Langdon does feel disingenuous. I can especially see how trinity would feel that way because of how awful I think he handled the trauma earlier, undermining her and asserting himself pre-apology. even patrick ball said his character is trying to get an "A" in rehab, which feels accurate. he's pretty check-listy with it. he wants to get his steps done. that's why he wouldn't back down from Robby until he at least got the sorry out, because then he could check that apology off the list.

he's coming off a little self centered, as well, which has been a theme in his character for a while. "you have no idea what I've been through" well yes, she doesn't, but that doesn't really matter in this situation. this is an apology that is not about you. he very clearly has a view that he's being "punished" that he's perpetuated all day, which... yeah, what he's dealing with is shitty. but it's not a "punishment." it's the consequences of his actions and he doesn't seem to fully grasp that. like at all.