Letters Unsent

I want to see your smile again. I want to see the way your dimples fall in deep into your cheeks that I can just drop in and stay there forever. I want to hold your hand, the soft touch that I can still feel against my palm when it feels lonely. I want to hug you longer, tighter. If I just knew that you would leave so soon then I would have walked you home everyday even if you hated it, held your hand in public even if people would judge, hugged you the way I wanted to even if it meant exposing my true feelings. I would have done it all if you stayed longer.

I want to see how our third date would go, if you would have liked the picnic I’d set up on top of the hill beside the fallen tree trunk. I’d imagine how your arms would feel like if it would be wrapped around my shoulders, like a warm blanket on a rainy day, how cozy it would be lying next to you. I use the scrap words from the time we met to form phrases like “stay with me” or “i still want you here”, the sound of your voice lingers at the back of my head like a beautiful melody playing. 

I would have done anything to have made you stay. Climbed up barriers, tore down obstacles, and even wait. God knows how patient I am in waiting, foolishly, but passionately. Through it all, the heartaches and teardrops, I still see something worth holding on to. I still see you at the end of the dark tunnel, facing back at me, clueless that all I ever were was at your back waiting for you to face me. 

But you’re not here, and you don’t love me. Your eyes shut closed and body as stiff as ever, I move back. I give you space to breath even if space was all I’ve given you and love. I know you care for me. And that words isn’t a familiar friend, but I want to hear it from you. From your lips shut tight with a loose end at the tip, waiting to be unraveled like a Christmas present under the tree, I want you to say it to me.

I want to hear you say that you still want me, like a baby without their blanket or a writer without his pen, I need you to hold me because this past week I’ve been a wreck. A storm in the middle of sunshine. I feel ruined without having to see your face pop up on my mobile even if it takes you the whole day to reply, without having to surprise you outside your classroom even if it annoys you that I give too much; without you feels like being robbed at the middle of the night, unaware that something important had been taken away.

The barriers were too many, some impossible to break through and my understanding is as deep as the ocean fills up. We know too well the dangers it entails us both if we continue on, the damage it can bring to us. How we ultimately have to choose between who we are and what we have to become, but isn’t it unfair to choose when we can be both? And the barrier rises higher, taller than it should be. I, standing unable to move on and you, dragging your feet to move forward. 

Fate seems all too harsh to bring us together, make us meet and tear us apart right away. But fate made me understand the limits of attachment and the pains it can bring, though all I see are the good things; especially in you. You were like a cherry on top of a cake, the best part of any song, a daydream in the middle of a storm, and your name was a song in my head. You were my rainbow amidst my personal storms and you still are.

Too short a time to put a label, however I don’t need a label to say that what I felt in the short time we were together was love. I love you. I love you. Your eyes that glisten when the moon hits, your smile that lightens up my day, your touch that comforts me when I’m down, your secrets that reminds me that I still have a lot to know, your flaws that make me see you as you are; imperfect. Because who isn’t imperfect? All these I keep at the back of my head, too much to forget, too much to let go of.

I know you’re happier now, I hope you are. The light of day won’t stop shining and as the moon will continue to flood the end of the night, I’ll be waiting. Foolishly, but with a beating desire for you to come back.

Sincerely,

Anne: Don't you think it was a waste?

Jordan: What?

Anne: Us.

Jordan: I don't think so...

Anne: Really?

Jordan: yea, well I guess things happen for a reason and maybe it made us better people in the end

Anne freezes as the cold breeze of midnight air swiftly surrounds them

Anne: One last time, please

Jordan looks on to Anne's brown eyes, not with confusion, but with an understanding

pumunta ako sa ating mga tagpuan mga lugar sa baguio kung saan tayo matatagpuan sa may victory liner, sa kaliwang upuan at sa may leonard wood, kung saan madalas naguusapan

all i need is one chance. one chance to prove that i am worth being where i am now, i know that a title, an idea, a position, or even a person should not be able to define who i am and the things i am capable of doing, i understand that. but i hope the world also understands that when you’ve been below your whole life, you would want to experience change. this is my change.

I just wanna get it out there. I cannot be silenced. This is where I want to end my bitter remains to what used to be, for me, a family. For 11 years of my life, I did not expect that this time would come; this time where I would have to turn my back on the people I loved and in return, take a firm stand on things I believe in. I have committed a sin of slander through social media, yes I fully take full responsibility on that, but I do not take back the things I have said in that post. I still believe that the truth will hurt and will continue to hurt as long as it is true, I do not regret that. I am sorry for the generalization I have done, I am aware that not everyone is what I pertained them to be.

Now I want to address briefly the assumptions and allegations towards myself, not as a form of self-defense, but as a form of clarification.

“Nagbago na siya nung lumipat ng school”

For starters, yes I’ve changed. I’ve Changed because change is constant in this world, I have changed because, in order to maintain rapport, we have to be able to adjust to the environment we are currently in, I believe that change is necessary. I cannot control the present, and at this very moment, I am changing. It may be a change different from what you have been used to before, but it may also be a change that you may be able to adapt. I have changed schools to be exposed to what I have yet to experience because I am a raging stream that cannot be kept in quiet rivers. I want to be able to do the things I want to do without any hindrances or at the least judgment from the people around me. I simply do not care for your opinion, I am who I want to become. And to me, that is the mark of someone who establishes confidence in himself.

“Plastikan na lang ginagawa niya”

Before you judge me, let me ask you a question. Bakit pa ko magpapakahirap makita kayo kung magiging epal o plastik rin lang naman ako? The hard part for you is that you don’t consider the effort that I put in just to see or even talk to you. I know myself, and hindi ako magpapaka-plastik sa harap mo, if I don’t like you. I don't like you. Pakisamang tao lang ang tawag dun, di ako plastik, it’s just better to stay civil rather than to be fake. In the 11 years of being a very dedicated student and classmate, I have never complained about the bullshit things you guys make me do. Examples are:

1. When the whole class relies on me to buy materials for projects even if it’s late at night, I still run off to town because I know the stress and hassle to have an incomplete grade.

2. Group projects where it needs to be done at home, and since none of you are able to go out due to unreasonable circumstances, I take the lead and do it myself. Yes, I admit that there are times that I don’t do my part but I hope you realize that it’s because maybe I'm tired of doing it already, that maybe I want you to experience the pain I go through in editing or making projects.

3. Waiting for you after your after-school activities. I have better things to do, but I still choose to wait because I wanna spend time with you and talk about things we can’t talk about in the classroom, but instead of staying with me or even the slight hint of appreciation of me waiting, I’m still the one who gets ditched or even snubbed.

4. Even if I’m at a different school already, I still make the effort to come and visit you when I have a chance to. You have no idea on how stressful to get to where you are. And when I finally arrive there, you can’t even say a simple hello? You can’t even stay for a bit? At least a hug can last a long way but when I’m actually there, it feels like im not even one of your friends anymore. Parang wala tayong pinagsamahan.

So if you still consider me plastic or fake, okay sure, what can I do about that? But I hope you remember as you sleep at night, I still do the extra mile in reaching out. If I were to be plastic around you, I wouldn’t need to take a long ride just to get to you. 

“I considered him one of my closest friends”

Sinong linoloko mo? No. We weren’t close, yes we’d talk but we were never close. Ask the people of the class, I never felt comfortable with you. You mean nothing to me, and until now I still can’t imagine that someone like you would be able to say that. You never treated anyone with respect, you barely treated me with any respect since day one. But you know what? It’s okay. Why? Because people like you need affirmation from yourself just to know you have friends. Sorry, friendship is mutual, and sadly I don’t feel the same way.

“Ano ba ginawa ng --- sayo? pwede ba, grow up”

First of all. as a person I’ve told everything to, this just shows how little you know of me. I told you everything, all my struggles, and all my hurts and now you tell me ano ba ginawa ng ----  sayo?  what kind of person are you? did you just throw everything out the window? I have my reasons why, and the results of those reasons is where I am today. I am where I am today because I “grew up” I grew up from the hellhole I used to be in. Don’t tell me to grow up or even ask me what did something do to me. Because you will never experience the same things I did. You will never know how much it hurt, how much humiliation it brought me, how much fears it has planted in me. You don’t know me.

Murahin mo ko, pagtawanan niyo ko, magchismisan niyo ko. Sa puntong ito, wala na kong pake. Sorry, but I am now a new person. A much more open and stronger person, I have learned to live without having to depend on a force I don’t believe in. And through this journey, I’m still grateful for those people who chose to stay, for those people whose perception did not change, for those who corrected me and gave me a chance, thank you. And to those who have chosen to leave, I gladly open the door. Just remember, it will still be open if you’d want to come back. I apologize for this very toxic post, I believe that there are somethings you just need to let out and I have just had. Forgive me if ever I have ruined your day. Before I end this post, I’d like to share a quote from Stephen Chbosky

“Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anybody.”

     The year was 2001, things were simpler than they used to be. The hustle and the bustle of the city were less loud than they are now. October 13 was the day that a little boy was born into the world, sana hindi na lang.

     16 years later this boy would eventually be me, who I am now. Again, sana hindi na lang. 

     I’ve grown up, out of my shell. Once a shy, quite, mama’s boy is now a man with a platter full of problems and heartaches. How did it come to this? Who did I turn to? Why am I still here? What’s going on? When did this start? Where will I begin?

    It starts now. 

     I’m 16, I live in a small town where life, unfortunately, revolves around each other. I go to school, I have friends, I may have some enemies but who cares? I have parents, sure I can call them a “family” but it just doesn’t feel like it. I may or may not be gay, it’s 2018 anyway right? I happen to be 75 kg. yea I have a belly. I also happen to have an oily skin, therefore, having baby pimples.

    Why am I saying these? It’s because I may have and may be all of that but there’s more than I am not. I’m not honest, I’m not nice, I’m not a perfect son, I may not have had a relationship, but I'm still good. but the bottom line is that I’m not happy.

     They say it’s because I’m just uncontented, maybe I’m just selfish, maybe I’m just caught up with myself too much that I don’t know who I truly am.

     And now I want to know who I really am.

     They give out that kind of questions out for an essay at school, it’s for you to try to feel good about yourself, maybe brag a bit to your classmate. But when asked that question, don’t you stop for a second and ask yourself, “who am I?”

     Others say that “I’m a work of God” or “I am who I am and I don’t need anyone to tell me who I am” and all I can say to that is stop that bullshit. Sana I didn’t think that. You see, I don’t like myself that much. I hate myself and maybe that’s why I don’t know who I am, its because I don’t think about it. I don’t think about who I am inside rather than my facade.

     It’s a difficult question, I know. But fuck, who am I?

     Am I just a speck of dust floating out until I fade out? Or maybe I’m just a thought to be made? I don’t know the answers. I don't know anything.

     All I know is that I’m here, suffering like the rest, enjoying like the rest, wanting to be like the rest.

     My answer to the question who am I, is this:

     We all have a soulmate. They’re somewhere out there and they’re looking for you, maybe you’ve passed by them by the street, rode with them in the bus, watched with them in the cinema. Sometimes finding your soulmate can be extravagant as to going to places, doing something that excites you, taking risks, having those cliche love story like the movies, maybe a chance encounter or a long lost love. But sometimes it can be small but meaningful such as a childhood friend, a high school classmate, an old friend or someone as simple as a best friend.

       Love doesn't have to be extravagant, it just has to be worthwhile.

     I haven’t found my soulmate yet, but I know someone’s out there for me. I know it’s tiring to wait and wait and wait for someone that seems to take forever to come around. Hey, I’m 16 I don’t know why I’m rushing to find my soulmate, but maybe I should.

Reasons why I should find my soulmate:

Because I’m tired of waiting. It feels like I’m the only one left out on this search of indefinite emotions and a rollercoaster of things that just seem so exciting to be in; I’m not part and I’m growing tired of it.

I want to see my value in someone else. Being an only child sucks because the only people you get validation from are your family and friends. What about this ideal person who listens to you and cherishes every part of you in their own way, what about them? I want that person for me, I want to see myself in their own perspective.

I want what other people have. That basic situation where you’re in a coffee shop drinking and laughing with someone or that spot in the park where you just walk and talk about days that have passed by. I want that movie ending where fireworks go up with a kiss. I get jealous when I see other people have that spark.

I’m not contented. Let’s face it, I just want to rush into things because I’m not contented with what I have now. My friends that have been there since I was young and these friends I have that helped me grow up are here and I don’t feel enough that’s why I’m so agitated to finally find someone because I’m not contented with me and with what I already have.

     This list keeps going on, but there will always be more reasons to wait for your soulmate because it will always be worth the wait.

Reasons to wait for my soulmate:

Because I’m not ready yet. Face the fact that we all have a little piece of us that will never be ready for something as big as this. We have to give time for ourselves to grow up and look at the world in a new perspective.

I’m still insecure. I’ll be honest, I wouldn’t even date myself. There’s still this big part of me that relies on what other people see me as, how I see myself in the mirror still affects how I’ll go about my day. And you can’t commit to your soulmate if you’re always insecure about yourself because how you see yourself will always affect the relationship. This leads me to 

Because maybe I don’t want to find my soulmate yet. It relates to both number 1 and 2 because I still have a whole world to see. I want to achieve my personal goals first, I want to prioritize my growth as an individual before growing with someone else, I want to spend my time with friends who I might not be able to see for a long time. I still want to accept myself for who and what I am before someone else does. How can you love someone else if you can barely love yourself? Always make yourself the priority because, at the end of the day, it’s all you. You be the one to love and no one else can love like you. 

     Remove those thoughts in your head that “what if they don’t come?” because they will. There is someone for everyone, even those people who are alone have someone, and those are the people I love the most because they don’t need validation from someone else, these people are contented with what they have and don’t need someone to complete them. 

I see you but you never see me

Down the hallway where i always see

You and your friends laughing with glee

I wonder sometimes will I ever be with thee

Your glasses and short hair gives me chills

Up my spine and shrill to the bones

But when i realize that this "crush" feeling kills

     Isang gabi, napatunganga ako sa aking kama habang nakahiga sa malambot na kutchon at unan nang bigla ako nag-isip sa malawak na kadiliman na nakapaligid sa akin. Bakit ba minsan hindi natin nakukuha ang mga bagay na para satin talaga? Hindi naman sa pagrereklamo pero may mga bagay talaga na para saatin talaga, ngunit nawawala at hindi ko maintindihan bakit.

     Halimbawa sa mga grades natin, may mga estudyante na kahit anong hirap at pagod sa pag-aaral hindi makuha kuha ang grado na ninanais, habang may mga estudyante lang na isang requirement lang ang pinasa buong semester ngunit ang grado akala mo first honor. Hindi ba parang ang baho ng sistema ng buhay? Puro na lang “pano kaya...” o “bahala na” at wala nang problema pagkatapos habang ang mga tao na “sana...” at “kaya ko” ay ang mga tao na bigo sa buhay. 

     Baka nga walang siguradong sagot para sa katanungan na iyan pero alam ko na minsan tayo rin ang gumagawa nang sarili nating kapalaran. Siguro nga mali ako sa pagiintindi sa sistema ng buhay, pero hindi natin maiiwasan pumunta dito. Minsan tama ka sa diskarte pero minalas sa swerte o kaya naman minsan nabigo ka man sa buhay pero at least buhay ka pa rin at kaya mo pa ibago ang mga mali mo.

     Minsan asa sarili nating mga kamay ang maging matagumpay sa buhay, hindi man sa larangan ng pamilya, pag-ibig, estado sa buhay, o pagka-swerte pero masasabi mo na nagtagumpay ka sa pagsali sa laro ng buhay at tadhana. Hindi ka sumuko, at yun ang importante. 

12-31-17

12-16-17