it’s inevitable that the very first thing to come to mind upon locking eyes on an old friend was her unconscious body , limp as a ragdoll dragged through a thick blanket of SNOW ; no remorse , no second thoughts when gloved hands bound her wrists & hung her from his sick contraption like a pretty little ornament — but all the giddiness of a child . A SPOILED BRAT throwing a tantrum . petrified , her screams reached for chris over the sound of buzzsaws closing in for the KILL . chris had advised her not to look , & still she caved — broken .
apart from some brief visits from sam & chris in the hospital , the faces of those he’d terrorized on that night – still so dear to him – remained so DISTANT . hell , not that he blamed them . to see her now , alive & well ( maybe that was a stretch ) , it’s overwhelming . hazel eyes squeeze shut to avoid the early arrival of tears & josh cusses under his breath . the atmosphere saturating the air is dense , enough to SUFFOCATE . he dreads the small talk before it even starts , mouth dry of anything useful to say .
silence shatters around them both . last time he heard her voice , it had been wracked with tears . at first , josh only nods . he feels even more hollow than he did before . lips part to speak & his voice crackles like static on an old television set .
“ yeah , almost a YEAR . it’s , uh . . . ” a failed attempt at laughter . “ it’s good to see you without that shiner . ” no thanks to him . & maybe it’s WRONG of him , to look so stunned at her query , but brows furrowed & jaw agape — he’s appalled . true that nobody , not even josh’s seemingly endless list of doctors , was aware of just how deep his trauma ran ; & the last time she’d seen him he’d been ranting & raving like a MADMAN . . . but at the very least , he’d thought they knew — ALL OF THEM KNEW — that he was better than that .
“ what ? a - ashley . . . w h a t ? do - don’t tell me that you think i’m PROUD of - of what i did , ” deep breaths , josh . keep your composure . he collects himself , yes , but hurt still lingers in his irises . then again , maybe he deserves it . “ i - i - i didn’t even know what was real , ashley . i - i was angry & hurt & grieving & i was out of my head . ” fighting back familiar sting behind his eyes is of NO USE now . still , he lets his face fall into his hands as he takes a quivering breath . he’s so tired of crying . “ i’m - fuck , i’m SO sorry , ashley . i - i swear i never meant to hurt you or - or anyone , & i know you didn’t mean to hurt hannah & beth , ” taste of their names on his tongue is bitter . it reminds him of blood ; it’s a flavor he knows well & never wants to taste again . he inhales , pinching the bridge of his nose . “ i wasn’t okay . . . & i only made things worse . you - you guys were my only FRIENDS & i fucked it all up . ”
At the mention of the bruise long gone, Ashley couldn’t help but take a step back, her right arm coming to rest protectively across her chest. Her face screwed up in phantom pain as she recalled those last few moments of consciousness, a breath expelling while she looked to the ground. Hearing him be so JOVIAL about it felt wrong, although she was sure that it was, in all fairness, a real, typical Josh response. Usually, when someone made a tasteless joke about what they’d heard about the night on Blackwood Mountain, she’d do her best to laugh it off and go on with her day, knowing that it was better that they didn’t know how wrong they were to begin with. But Josh knew, and though he’d meant it to (somehow) come across as LIGHT-HEARTED, it was simply revolting to her. “Took a whole two and a half weeks for it to go away, Josh. Thanks for noticing.” Her sight remained set on the pavement, fingers digging into her shoulder as she remained focused on steady breathing. “I would say it’s good to see you with the bottom half of your body, but I’m trying not to lie anymore.”
Somehow, seeing him react so innocently felt like more of a vile response than she had expected. At least if he’d randomly decided to hit her (again),he would be consistent. And she would be right. But there’s something about the way he looked, about the way he had the nerve to seem caught off-guard, that is more enraging than Ashley ever could have dreamed. It didn’t make sense; after all, this was the BEST case scenario, but she was entirely conscious of the fact that he would be predisposed to her scorn. It didn’t matter what he said, or what he really meant, because he’d always be at a disadvantage. He would always be the person who’d wanted to hurt her. Her brows pulled together, arms crossed, feet planted firmly against the ground. The stance of someone well-aware how in the wrong they were, and yet entirely UNWILLING to budge. A nearly imperceptible sadness lurked in the way her shoulders stayed slumped, in the way her frown seemed as sorrowful as it was scornful.
“I know that you knew what was real when you slaughtered all of those pigs. I know that you knew what was real when you bought all of that–” she began to stammer, trying to find a word strong enough to express her CONTEMPT, “– FUCKING surveillance equipment and set it up in all the perfect places. I know that you knew what was real when you strung me up next to your FAKE body and made me REALLY believe I would die there while you stood comfortably on your pedestal behind your curtain, Josh.”
Her grand stand nearly faltered completely at the show of empathy she never would’ve accounted for. She’s taken aback, the sight itself one she hadn’t witnessed before. Even before that night, Josh had always been the life of the party. Always smiling. Seeing him crumble in front of her brought on a sickening feeling of satisfaction, something inside of her saying that it was nice to see the villain fall, while the larger part of her wished she could take it back already. It was hard for her to see past her own grief, sure, but on top of all the other things that had happened, first and foremost, she knew that this was a boy who’d been broken. A pang of empathy swelled into a surge of it, and before she could keep herself from doing so, Ashley had placed a (VERY hesitant) hand on his forearm. “I wish I could believe that, Josh.” There was something akin to mourning in her voice: mourning for a friendship, mourning for her friends, mourning for the boy she’d once known this man to be. “I just can’t. But don’t cry. I do that enough for the both of us.” Even then, in a moment filled with enough confusing emotion to overwhelm anyone with a soul as fragile as her own, the well known sensation of warm tears began to spring from her eyes.
“I was TRYING to make you feel bad. I didn’t know it was going to work.”
