WF fangirl™

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"Sarah, they're still here, aren't they?" I asked in a rush as I hurried past the woman at her desk. She lifted her head but looked at me with question marks in her eyes. "The boys. They didn't leave?" I added.

"Oh, uh, no. Alex and Mike just went out, Linc is still in there somewhere."

"Thanks," I called out, and hurried off after them.

Fortunately, I didn't have to look around much once I had opened the huge metal gate. Michael was walking towards a police car, but Mahone was standing at the threshold between the shadows cast by the building and the sunny sidewalk, his head cast down. His blue police uniform shone in the early afternoon air; and something inside me shook as he stood there, so purely, so officially.

"Alexander," I said as I finally drew closer to him. He immediately looked up at me, and a kind smile spread across his lips in the same time.

I quickened my pace and without warning jumped into his neck when I reached him. Alex took a step back in surprise, but after the initial shock, he wrapped one arm tightly around my waist. He put his other hand on the back of my head and sighed heavily.

"What brings you here?" he whispered, so quietly that only the two of us could hear.

"I didn't want you to leave without wishing you luck," I replied, just as softly.

I felt him bury his head in my neck. I let the moment drag on for long before stepping back onto the concrete, of course blushing hard. Alex moved with me, and as he helped me find my balance, he positioned himself so that his lips were only inches from mine. It was my turn to get surprised. I rested my palm on his broad chest; I couldn't resist smiling any longer.

"Wait," I breathed against his soft skin. I pulled away in fear of giving in to temptation. "Let this be the guarantee. That you'll come back in one piece, unharmed. Alive."

I connected my gaze to his sparkling blue eyes, which in return bounced up and down between my eyes and mouth. At last Mahone's lips melted into a soft smile.

"I'll come back to you," he said firmly.

His promise became his final words, for Lincoln opened the wide iron gate at that exact moment, ready for their next adventure. I had my back to him, so I couldn't see the look on his face when he saw our silhouettes intertwined, but Mahone's eyes fell with his cheeks blushing.

My fingers slowly danced along the edge of the cold, now empty glass while my thoughts were spinning. Another day in the office, another day with shitty tasks, and another day to go home to an empty building. I couldn't bear the loneliness of my apartment, so instead of going home, I visited a bar nearby.

It was one of the hardest type-o-nights. When I missed Alex more than the other days. Missed him so much, that I even tried to ring his cell during the afternoon. The result was the same as it had been for months; my call went to voicemail, where Mahone's firm voice asked to leave a message. I was very well aware of that, so I tried either way.

After we somehow managed to live through his imprisonment in Sona, his escape brought no relief. Since they managed to escape, the FBI and the Company, for obvious reasons, were on their trail. I haven't seen or heard about him for… almost half a year. And what was most maddening of it all - there was no one, no one in the universe to ask about him. They mustn’t contact the outside world, or they could get easily busted. Even though I totally understood it, my understanding didn't soothe the void that was eating me up from the inside. 

"Is this seat taken?" a man suddenly asked from somewhere behind me. I snapped my head as I was caught off-guard by the firm male voice. I took a quick glance at the person, but I couldn't see his face anyway; he was wearing a hat, deeply pulled into his face, sunglasses covering his eyes. "Sorry, it's a bit crowded here," he explained. I remained silent but nodded a tiny towards the chair in question.

The man seated himself, but I couldn't return to my previous thoughts. I felt a bit confused. Nobody was around us, so I didn't understand the explanation at all, but for some inexplicable reason, I didn't feel myself in immediate danger. From the corner of my eye, I took another look at the man. He was just sitting there, head lowered, looking at maybe his arms that were laying on the counter.

"Can I get you anything, sir?" the bartender approached him.

"Two whiskeys, please," he answered lowly. "One for the lady," he added. A weak smile appeared in the corner of the guy's mouth, but he nodded and left to deliver the order.

I frowned. At this point, I started to get anxious. I visibly turned towards the man, now fixating on him without shame, hoping he'll notice me and say… anything. As I was watching him, a thought started to form in the back of my brain. He felt suddenly… familiar somehow. I couldn't explain why, but I felt I had to know him from somewhere.

"Cheers," the bartender said as he placed the two glasses in front of them. I shook my head a bit to regain my senses. I almost spoke up and asked if I knew him, but before I could say anything, the unknown man reached for a glass, and I saw his hand.

The hand which I held countless times. The hand which caressed my face, held my waist and danced on my skin. The hand which held guns, arrested criminals and fought with demons. 

The hand, which I knew better than my own.

I wasn't able to move. All my body froze as I realized why I wasn't afraid. Who he was.

My jaw slowly dropped, tears ran into my eyes, and a lump formed in my throat. I slowly reached out as well, unable to speak, to carefully touch the back of that so-loved hand. I drew a breath to say his name, to say anything, to whisper into the air, but he spoke up faster than I could begin.

"Don't," he asked. "We'll have to find a safer space," he added.I slowly caught my hand back while I nodded quickly, even though the man hadn't looked at me ever since. I would literally do or give anything just to have even one minute alone with him.

I watched numbly as he drank out his whiskey in one sip, then followed his example. The strong liquid burned my throat and made me flinch, leaving my lips numb. He slammed the table with a ten-dollar bill under his palm, then turned towards me. I waited for his signs, cause I had no idea what he had on his mind.

This time he was the one who carefully stroked the back of my hand, and I truly anticipated him entangling his fingers between mine. When that happened, I felt at home again.

"Just follow, please," he asked simply. 

He led us to the shore; we walked under the pier that stretched out into the sea, among the wooden pilings where no one had been. There was some kind of fair going on up there, all the people flocking there instead of the cool, wet, dark beach.

"Okay, that's enough" I heard him murmur. I didn't notice that he had stopped, so when I wanted to keep walking, he reached to my wrist and pulled me back a little. That made me spin, and the next second I found myself right between his two arms. He lifted me from the ground with the same motion, making me clasp his body with my thighs like a koala bear. As I put my arms around his neck, I buried my face between there and his shoulder. I didn't cry, I didn't speak, I didn't do anything for minutes besides just squeezing my eyes shut and holding onto him as tightly as if my life depended on it.

"Oh my God," I heard him breathing right into my ear. I sighed deeply.

We had been a couple for almost four years when he decided to join Scofield and his brother to help them take down the Company. I knew what his job had always meant to him, and how dedicated he was all the time, but… it was safe to say that nothing could have prepared me for anything we were to live through. These were the most complicated, most terrible, most painful months of my life that I had to spend without him.

"You're here" I muttered finally, still in disbelief. 

"I'm here" he answered. I felt him nodding slowly, then pulling away a bit. He carefully placed me back into the sand on my feet, while holding straight eye contact. We didn't let each other go anyway; his hands remained resting on my hips, while mine kept on holding his neck.

As I was standing chest-to-chest in front of him, I swept the hat off his head to reveal the face I loved the most in the whole wide world. His eyes were glittering bluer than ever, but beyond that, everything had changed. Black pockets sat under them, his whole face was thin, and the wrinkles on his forehead multiplied. My lips parted to say something, to say anything, but no words, no sounds left my tongue. I was unable to speak, too stunned, too shaken to do so. I carefully cupped his cheek with my right; electricity ran through my body as I wasn't able to hold him for months.

"Alex," I muttered, being raised on my tiptoes by then. I didn’t even wait for his answer, my lips immediately found his, just to melt together in a sad kiss. In a sad, long-desired, feather-light kiss.

"You're shaking, love" Mahone breathed on my skin, after we pulled away for a few inches.

"Are you okay?" I asked, not hearing his question. His well-being and health were the most important, everything else was secondary. I couldn't see any scratches, cuts, bruises, or grazes on his skin, but that didn't mean much.

"I'm okay," Alex nodded. "We’re with the Homeland Security. They take good care of us" he tried to joke, but I was just feeling too much to appreciate it. I pulled him back instead; he pressed his forehead to mine, while his palm drew slow circles on my back.

"How did you know?" I murmured.

"The bartender" Mahone answered just as low. "A few weeks ago I asked him to notify me whenever he sees you," he explained.

"Once an FBI agent, remains an FBI agent" I sighed.

"Tell me everything" Alex pulled away, and looked in my eye. "Everything that happened to you, what I had to miss. The details of your weekdays, weekends, holidays" he whispered emotionally. "We don't have so much time and I want to know it all" Alex smiled at me; his beam was quite broad, I almost believed that everything really was alright.

"Can we get a few hours?" I asked desperately either way. "Just a few, alone in some empty apartment, or in a park, whe-"

"We can't, love" he shook his head simply.

"You can't go back into the void," I pleaded with wide eyes. Did he want to leave again? After a visit this short? "I won't survive another… f-five months without you" I shook my head quickly, not seeing a thing because of the tears in my eyes by then.

"We have to finish what we started. This is just one job. One final job, then we're free" Mahone put his two hands under my chin to reinforce his words. My gaze was jumping from one of his sky-blue eyes to another in the hope of reading anything out of them.

"Take me with you then" I offered suddenly, with full honesty. If one thing, that was true that I would follow him to the end of the world.

"I'm not taking you with me" Alex stated firmly, right after I finished my sentence.

"I could help you" I tried to argue, but he just tenderly brushed his thumb along my lower lip.

"Do you trust me? Honey, do you trust me?" he repeated as I didn't answer for long seconds.

"With my life" I murmured under my nose.

"Then trust me in this one too. We will find a way" he emphasized every word, then nodded encouragingly at the end. I sighed deeply. I believed him, but it was just too much. 

I used up all my words, so the next right thing seemed to silently hug the man in front of me, and let all my anxiety, and frustration out into the embrace. My arms snaked around his torso almost so strong that I was afraid of suffocating him. Alex didn’t seem to be bothered though; as I ducked my head into his shirt somewhere around his collarbones, he pressed light kisses on my temple.

"Aren't you cold?" he asked some minutes later. I just shook my head.

"I don't want you to disappear again" I murmured on his skin.

"I will come back to you" he tried to encourage, but I was too invested for that.

"Yeah, in person or in a coffin?" I snapped, maybe a bit harsher than I intended to. I felt Alex sighing, and after a few seconds' break, he tenderly made me straighten up.

"Do you know that payphone that is right in front of the mall?" he scanned my face. I nodded slowly, cautiously. "Be there every other Saturday, at two pm, when the crowd is at its highest. I'll try to call you…" When he said those words, my heart skipped a beat and my ears went deaf. I basically didn't hear anything after this half-sentence, but I tried to focus as hard as it was possible. "... but I can't promise anything. Are you listening?" Alex tried to make me concentrate, but I was only able to stare up at him thankfully. "No, you're not, I lost you, I see that," Mahone laughed in a low voice. He nudged his nose to mine lovingly when my palm reached to the back of his neck.

"Would you really do that?" I asked back, still in disbelief.

"Of course, my love" he whispered.

Silence fell between us again. I was slowly caressing the tiny hair on the nape of his neck. When his gaze jumped from my eyes to my lips, then fell to the ground, I knew it was time.

"I have to go, baby" he breathed.

I made him lower his head, and when Alex did so, I pressed my lips onto his - maybe my heart thought it could make him stay.

"I need you to close your eyes" he continued, pulling back. I lightly shook my head, but I knew that it wasn't worth fighting against. I stared deeply into his beautiful blue eyes again, to which he responded with a light caress on my face. "Count to ten, and promise me that you won't peak," he asked quietly, but seriously.

"Will you really call?" I asked desperately, for the millionth time.

"I promise to do everything to be able to" he nodded just as firmly as before. As my eyelids slowly fell, I felt teardrops running down my face. I suddenly felt a warm breath on my face, that made me forget everything.

"I love you so much," Mahone murmured onto my lips. I felt him place a slow, tender kiss on my mouth.

I was deep in thought, typing on my keyboard, when I heard a sigh from my right hand, from the table next to mine. My fingers descended to the keys, I smiled. Taking off my glasses, I peeked out from behind my monitor, in the direction of the sound.

"You okay? Still holding up?" I asked, laughing. 

"I'm starting to regret our idea" I heard Carl's grumpy voice. 

"Just think how good it'll be tomorrow afternoon!" I tried to encourage him, but I didn't think my positive words would have much effect.

It was late at night, and only Hickman and I were in the office. We closed our case in the afternoon and agreed to finish the report that day so we wouldn't have a problem with it later. The rest of the team didn't even think of anything like this crazy idea, so it had been just the two of us sitting in the quiet of the office for hours. We had a cup of coffee, occasionally spoke to each other, and otherwise concentrated on work. 

Despite the stillness and the silence, my heart was pounding. I took advantage of and enjoyed every moment and every task that the two of us were working on together with the agent. During these times, he was always a little more communicative, always smiled a little more, and always had a little longer stare. Butterflies fluttered in my stomach at such times, like I was a teenager again. 

I was jolted out of my reverie and the mindless working by a big bang, also coming from Carl. I was about to exclaim what had happened when I looked out from behind the screen and saw Carl frantically trying to open his drawer. The fright, even though I knew exactly what was happening, what kind of wave had hit him, pinned me to the chair. Hickman clutched his right hand in his lap, no longer even trying to hide his state. The man was in such pain that he got up from the chair, but he wanted to nurse his aching hand and stretch the closed drawer at the same time, so every movement took him long seconds to do. My limbs tingled with fright and desperation. I knew this seizure was much stronger than any I'd ever seen; I'd never seen him react like this to the pain of his scarred hand, even though I'd known him for years. When he was finally able to turn the small key in the drawer lock, he fished out the medicine box, but was stuck at the movement to remove a patch. He pressed his right hand to his stomach, leaning against the shiny tabletop. By this time, he was no longer trying to suffer quietly; his pained grunts rose and fell.

All this took less than two minutes; I managed to decide quickly. Even though he did not ask for my help with a word, I stood in front of him and took a pouch from the metal box, containing a morphine patch and the relief he needed. As I opened it, I caught a glimpse of his face; or rather, I would have. By then he was already frowning at the table and hardly taking in anything that was going on around him. When I unfolded the patch, I reached gently under Carl's arm, trying to get him to turn around and sit on the edge of the table. 

"Come on, Carl, it'll get better, I promise," I whispered, but I wasn't sure if my encouragement was worth anything. When he was sitting (hunched) in front of me, his head bowed low, I pulled the neck of his shirt to the side and pressed the small patch firmly against his chest. My left hand, which remained free, crept carefully to the back of his head and I gently rested his head on my collarbone.

"All right" I sighed as I began to feel his breathing slow, his shaking subsiding. I pulled my right hand out from under his shirt.

We stayed like that for minutes, I didn't know what was good for him, and I didn't want to rush him. For my part - I would have happily cuddled him all night.

"Thank you," he mumbled hoarsely when he finally straightened up. I searched his face, his sky-blue eyes, anxiously.

"You look pale," I sighed. "It was particularly strong this time, wasn't it?"

"Sometimes it's worse," he bowed his head. It saddened me to see him so vulnerable, so broken.

"You don't have to be ashamed of it," I said encouragingly. He snorted, indicating his disagreement.

"What if it takes me in the field next time? Or the time I must catch an unsub? It never gets better. I'm an addict, Y/N," he shook his head. "Not a cop. Not anymore." While he was talking, his left hand found mine and he began to crumble my fingers mindlessly. At the mention of my name, he looked at me, bitterness gleaming in his eyes. My heart was racing.

"You know it's not like that. You're a cop, Carl, you always will be. And Luis knows that, otherwise he wouldn't have picked you for the team," I said, gently taking hold of his fingers. I felt myself blushing.

"Luis is an idiot" he rolled his eyes. "Because he did so," he added.

"It wasn't just your right hand that made you a policeman" I said quietly. My gaze fell on his paralysed hand. As Hickman sat on the table, the height difference between us disappeared; out of the corner of my eye I could see him watching my face with interest, even expectation. As gently as I could, I stroked his healed skin with my free hand. "You are much, much more than that. The way you think... your awesome logic. Your reasoning." My lips quivered into an involuntary smile, and I was suddenly certain that this awesome logic would figure out what I was feeling. "The way you look at the world and keep watching. Your physicality." I cleared my throat. "So, the point is, it's not just how accurately you can aim a gun and pull the trigger that makes you a cop," I concluded, smiling in embarrassment.

When I raised my head and looked at his face again, Hickman was staring at me with wide blue eyes. I had no idea what was going on in his mind until he slowly lifted his left hand and reached under my chin, pulling me close to him, his lips pressed to mine. To my surprise, I leaned on his shoulder with two palms; I was afraid the ground would slip from under my feet in my happiness. Our kiss was slow but lasted for long seconds. I had time to recover from my surprise and brush my hand over his cheek, holding him even closer to me.

When he slowly pulled away, he was only a few millimetres away when I felt him smile.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. He lifted his head away so he could look me in the eye, and I was surprised but happy to feel that his left hand had meanwhile moved to my waist and was holding me tightly in front of him. "I couldn't think of anything else."

"So you weren't listening to what I was saying" I raised my eyebrows with playful resentment.

"For the first part, I did!" he said defensively, but he laughed too. I couldn't answer him; my fingers were slowly digging into his sand-blond curls. Hundreds more butterflies fluttered in my belly. 

"If you don't want to accept it and don't believe it for yourself, at least believe it for us. For Luis. For me," I added half-heartedly. "Okay?"

"Actually, I think I've figured out what might help," he said with sparkles in his eyes. His sudden enthusiasm was suspicious, but I looked at him expectantly. "Couldn't you do again what you just did? I... You know when your lips... and mine..."

I laughed, but at that moment I cupped his face between my hands and pulled him in for another kiss. There was no question that I loved him, from head to toe, and that I wanted to be by his side through good things and bad.

I was quietly typing on my computer, when suddenly I heard a crash from the office next door. I happened to be working alongside Alex Mahone, who was investigating the Burrows-Scofield case, at that moment as well, as we could hear. The case started about six months ago, and since then there has been a noticeable increase in tension in the office and in our relationship.

I wouldn't say that we were together with the agent and we didn't even have a date, but we communicated our feelings to each other through kind glances and little touches. We discussed without words that we didn't want to jump right into the middle. I loved him and he made me feel interested in me. I especially enjoyed that he showed his tender side only to me, occasionally, little by little.

Next, a harsh male voice shouted a clearly audible yell of "everybody out", then a door slammed with untold force. I was sure that the next district could hear Alex kicking everyone out. I tensed my muscles ready to go, but I forced myself to remain calm. I gave him a few minutes alone, while I finished the spreadsheet I was working on, and only then stood up.

"I wouldn't go in there if I were you" my colleague said to me when I had my hand on the door handle of the officer's door. "He's an asshole" she snarled, shaking her head. I sighed regretfully and slowly entered the room anyway.

Mahone was sitting at the small table under his window and shook his head in fright as he heard me approaching. He looked me over, then turned back to the window he had been staring out of without any reaction.

I looked around his (otherwise tastefully decorated) office and saw destruction. The posters that had been hanging on the wall were torn down, and pieces of paper lay crumpled and torn on the floor. Even the fax machine had fallen over, and if my senses hadn't been deceiving me, the whole thing must have been triggered by a message he got from there. I had never seen him in such a mood before, or rather, I had never seen any of his moods leave such a mark on his surroundings.

I slowly picked up the scraps and larger pieces to carefully (they were full of pins) toss them in the trash. Mahone was silent, not saying a word that maybe I shouldn't be doing what I was doing.

When I was done, I sat down across from him. He was staring at his two hands, and it was only then that I noticed that he was scratching the thin skin of his wrist, which was bleeding quite badly by then. I immediately fished a clean tissue out of my pocket. Reaching across the table, I gently held his right hand down, pulled his wounded left forward a little, then pressed the material against it.

“Alex, stop” I whispered.

The man didn't look at me, but he gave a big sigh. Holding one hand on the wound, I stroked his palm. I looked at every tiny crease and wrinkle, ran my finger along every tiny vein. The pins had stuck to his skin, too, and there were red streaks of blood here and there.

I could do this until Alex slowly pulled away. My mouth fell, but I didn't blame him. Instead, I stood up again and poured some water from a nearby water jug into the tiny glass cup next to it. I carefully dripped a little onto another tissue and returned to the table with it. This time I stopped next to Mahone.

"Here, drink, please" I asked quietly. "And put this on your wrist" I continued, pressing the soaked tissue into his hand. Fortunately for him, he did as I asked, making me feel a little relieved.

I knew there was nothing more I could do, so I considered giving him a kiss on the forehead. In the end, I decided against it and strode out of the room without a word.

Hours after work I was still thinking about what happened, as I packed up my groceries I bought on the way home. I was almost certain that something had happened in connection with the investigation. However, I was shocked to the extreme at how close Alex had let me get. The rational part of my brain wanted me to believe that it was just exhaustion and that he simply didn't have the strength to push me away anymore, but my heart was racing at the thought that my presence may gave him some strength and calm.

I was gathering up the paper bag and heading for the door when someone knocked. I smiled at the coincidences, but when I opened the door, my smile turned to surprise. Mahone was standing on the threshold.

"Hi," he greeted me quietly. Scanning him, my confusion was further heightened by the beautiful bouquet of flowers he was holding.

"Come in" I took a step back, collecting myself and my thoughts. My heart nearly skipped a beat. I quickly placed the paper bag I was holding on the counter and hurried after him. "Have a seat," I said already in the living room, but instead of listening to me, he turned to me, this time looking right through me.

"Thank you for coming in this afternoon" he shyly held out the flower to me. "It meant more than a lot, even if I couldn't thank you then" he smiled faintly.

"You shouldn't have" I stepped closer. I was about to give him two kisses, but Alex took my shoulder gently in his free hand and leaned down, pressing his lips to one side of my cheek. I was sure both my cheeks were red as he released me.

"I'll put these beauties in water" I looked up at him with a smile. "Sit down" I nodded my head towards the couch as I did so.

I returned to the room with a glass of tea, where the policeman was looking at my bookshelf.

"Here" I held the mug out to him. "I've brought you this now, since you're driving."

I got a smile of thanks. We sat down on the couch, close to each other. I waited for him to say something before the silence became too awkward. I didn't want to start questioning him, because I didn't know how much he would like to share about what had happened.

"I'm really ashamed of myself for freaking out like that" he sighed slowly "but I'm telling this only to you" he smirked at me mischievously.

"What happened?" I finally asked the question. My boss took a slow sip from his tea.

"Those bastards escaped" he shook his head angrily, putting the mug down on the table. "The the fax came from the Central. They just made it, see?"

"It doesn't decide anything, and you know it. You'll get them anyway" I smiled encouragingly at him.

"Now everyone in the office must be thinking bad things about me" he snapped at me. "So far, so good."

"Nonsense" I shook my head immediately, almost giving him no time to finish. "You're a perfect boss and they know perfectly well that your priorities are inviolable. And what your temper is like."

I placed my hand softly on his knee, hoping the touch would add emphasis to what I was saying. Alex took it between his own two palms and stared at it. I just couldn't believe if that was happening what I thought was happening.

"It really means a lot to have support" he raised his sky blue eyes at me. "You know what I thought of when you sat down across from me?"

I blinked at him in shock, shaking my head a little. I had no idea what was going through his mind, let alone whether I would be happy if he said it.

But Alex stopped talking. He leaned in close and brushed a lock of hair behind my ear, then pressed his lips to mine. My surprise was too much for me to do anything, but the shock wore off in a matter of seconds, and I was happy to pull him to me. In a short time, the shy kiss turned into a heated one, my hand wandering in Mahone's hair while the man's fingers danced on my waist. The policeman leaned back so that I could lean on his chest. It was a long time before we finally let go of each other, and by then we were both out of air.

"Alex..." I whispered, even as his lips were millimetres from mine. I snuggled into him as he put his arms around me protectively. In the silence between us, I took in his scent.

"Will you be here with me?" he asked quietly.

It was evening by the time the team came up with a workable, actionable plan to acquire the next data storage. They were well into the end of the meeting when, knowing what we had to do, Sara and I decided to start getting ready for bed. It was a rare day when we didn't plan late into the night, so we wanted to take advantage of any opportunity to get an early rest.

Tancredi retired to the boat, where she and Michael slept, and after a quick shower I started packing upstairs, where Alex and I had our shared bed. There were still traces of a quick dinner resting on the tables, so I started to clean that up. I could see the whole downstairs from up there, so I noticed when the rest of the team started to split up. Alex also got up from the desk at the other end, I thought he was coming up to join me, but he didn't – he sat next to Michael. As he settled in, our eyes met, and he sent a meaningful look in my direction. Frowning, I paused for a moment in mid-motion – I was shaking out the tablecloth – but I didn't want to, and the distance would have made it impossible for me to listen. And though I couldn't understand the words, Mahone's muffled voice reached me and filled me with happiness and calmness. Once again, I realized how much I loved everything about the man with the bright blue eyes sitting downstairs.

"We’re not going to let you down, Michael," I heard a little later, much louder than before. I turned around just the moment when he took his hand off the shoulder of our little group’s leader.

I had just finished wiping the table when the man came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. I received a kiss between my neck and shoulder.

"I'm taking a shower," he whispered. "Will you wait me?"

“Of course," I replied just as softly. I got another soft kiss, and he was gone. I smiled.

By the time he was done, I was lying in bed, tucked in, just staring at the slate of the iron building. Nothing disturbed the silence, only soft conversation coming up to me from the boat, where Michael and Sara were settling in, and Glenn was still downstairs fiddling on his laptop. I was pondering the lack of personal space when Alex lifted the duvet and lay close to me.

"What are you thinking about?" he whispered, tapping my nose softly.

"Wondering why Glenn hasn't gone to bed yet," I grinned. I turned towards him and let the policeman lean over me protectively. "What did you say to Mike?" I glanced up at him.

Our friend was struggling with illness, and I knew he and Mahone didn't get along very well. That's why I was so curious to know what he had said to him – especially after the firm look I got.

"I was telling him about a former colleague of mine" he sighed a little. At first he didn't look at me but at his hand instead, which he laid on my stomach, but then his blue eyes locked with mine. Alex could carry the events of the past with him for a long time without telling others; I had never heard that story from him either. I became more and more interested. "About a supervisor, to be precise. He was my first boss at the office. He was also very ill. He was suffering from liver cancer, which came to light in the middle of a major case. He was just like Michael. One in the same." He rolled his eyes as he explained. I put my hand on his arm, stroking him with my fingers almost by reflex while listening intently. "The worst thing for him wasn't the fact that his body was turning on itself, not even the chemo, but the fact that he had to leave the office. He was afraid that if he left, the whole operation would fall apart. The results so far, everything they achieved. Afraid he wouldn't be able to catch the bad guys. Think about it, that investigation had been going on for five years. Undercover agents, everything you can imagine."

I was silent for a while, trying to take in and process what I was hearing. I was overwhelmed by the amount of concern he had for our friend and his former colleague as well, although I had no idea if he was aware of it or if it just came naturally, instinctively.

"It must have been incredibly difficult, for both of you," I finally sighed to break the sad silence.  "To go through something like that when you get there, to your first job..." Alex pressed a kiss to my forehead, perhaps signalling that he understood, that he felt cared for. "I feel so sorry for Michael" I continued after a moment of silence.

"If what I said helped him even a little bit, or he understood what I was trying to say, I think it was worth it."

"Of course it was worth it" I looked up at him encouragingly. "It was nice of you to sit down and talk to him. You're wonderful" I blinked, touched.

"I was just trying to cheer him up" he replied shyly.

"That's why I love you so much, see?" I smiled softly.  I covered his face with my palm and Mahone leaned his head on it.

After a few seconds, he leaned in closer and this time we finally exchanged a kiss, but not just the usual quick peck. Our tongues played with each other, and we enjoyed every moment when there was no one else. Alex's free hand began to wander my side, and I ran my fingers through his hair. We stayed like that for a long time, enjoying the rare occasion when we could be a real couple.

When I felt him slowly pull away, every nerve in me began to protest.

Alex and I were friends for such a long time. Though during his marriage we hadn’t seen each other as frequently, our friendship remained. What’s more, since they split up with Pam and he was left alone with his son, I was the first person he came to. I usually cooked them and spent so much time with the little boy. We grew closer and closer – with both of the boys. With Cameron in the sense of a mother-son relationship and with his father… well, I fell in love with him, and I was quite sure that he felt almost the same way. There was nothing on Earth I would enjoy more than our long nights with deep conversations and a cup of tea, which happened pleasantly often. We could talk about anything and everything, he shared with me all his ups and downs, everything at the office, in his (ended) marriage, and vice versa. I didn’t have a failed marriage to talk about, but given my drunk father, I had some things to share about as well. Long story short, basically we would just have to say things out loud to become a couple.

Given Alex had to work late (unfortunately) on the 25th of December, he asked me to look after Cameron, which I took happily. I already planned our whole day during the night before, so I arrived with decided plans at their house.

First things first, we of course bake some gingerbread to build a house. When finally it wasn’t hot, I put everything on the table and called Cameron. While I was gathering some tools missing, he took the plate in front of him.

“We won’t have anything left to build the house if you keep eating all those gingerbreads” I said laughing and messing up little Cameron’s hair. He giggled but kept chewing a gingerbread man’s leg. “And tell me” I asked, sitting on the chair next to him “what did you wrote on your list?”

While I was waiting for him to answer, I started to prepare the frosting and the tubes with coloured icing in them.

“I asked a huge… truck…” he said excitedly. “With a remote controller. And a toolbox for myself, because daddy has his own, and I want to help him repair things. And some Lego!”

“That’s amazing. You will have so much fun with these” I smiled at him. “Give me two sidewalls, please” I said after finishing the preparation of the necessities. It wasn’t the funniest part of making the house for a five-year-old, but I hoped that by involving Cameron in the process would cheer him a bit. I put some frosting on the sides of the gingerbread, then glued two pieces together.

“And I asked a gun, too” he said suddenly, while we were holding the pieces to stick. I laughed in surprise.

“Like daddy’s” I presumed.

“Yes” the little boy chuckled again. “To fight the bad guys, so daddy don’t have to do it alone. And you know what else?” he whispered, leaning close to my ear. His huge, brown eyes sparkled in excitement, and I couldn’t help but smile.

“What else?” I whispered back, pecking his cute cheeks.

“I asked for you to be my mommy” he said out finally, scanning my face just to see my reaction.

At first, I couldn’t find the words. Just in a half second all our shared little tender moments with Alex flew in front of my eyes and suddenly I was aching for his love even stronger. I was so in love with him, I would do anything to know he feels the same. And of course, I was fond of this little boy, too. I already imagined the tree of us being a real, whole family.

“Aww, you’re so sweet, darling” I hugged him finally. He put his little arms around my neck and hugged back tightly. Luckily the frosting between the two gingerbread parts was stiff enough now to stand alone. “That would be my best Christmas present, too” I said quietly.

After our little squeeze-session, Cam helped me piping frosting and icing, pouring sprinkles and gluing sweets on the gingerbread roof with some syrup. Of course, at the end he looked like he was the one who had been decorated, but it was nothing a solid wash wouldn’t fix.

Rest of the day passed by with playing, laughing, and while he had his daytime nap I rested too. When I noticed the snow started to fall, I got so excited for Cam to wake up and see it.

It was around 4pm when I heard some noise from his room, so I went to take a look. He was sitting up in his bed with cute messy hair and sleepy eyes.

“Good morning, my sweetheart” I whispered happily. I sat next to him on the bed, letting him to lay on my lap. I started to play with his soft hair. “Did you sleep well?” I murmured. He was to drowsy yet, but his waggish smile already sparkled on his face.

“Yes. And… I dreamt about stars and reindeers” he said after a yawn. “And you and daddy and I was playing in the snow, really.” 

“I’m so happy you dreamt these nice things” I smiled at him, gently touching his nose. Talking about it reminded me the fact that it was actually snowing outside.

“Hey, you want to see something amazing?” I asked after some minutes, leaving him stretching a bit and playing with his plush rabbit. When he agreed in a quiet, husky little voice, I took him, and we left the room.

Cameron stayed in my arms as we stood in front of the window in the living room. We were watching the silently falling, huge snow-petals. I was surprised that he didn’t change his mind after a few minutes and wanted to play or do anything else – he was unusually cuddly that day. He just leant to my chest with his thumb in mouth, breathing quietly while I was slowly rocking him. There were no lights on in the house besides the light garland’s yellow twinkle on the Christmas tree, which gave such a warmness to the room. It was just the two of us, the snow and the spirit of Christmas around us.

“Are you awake, honey?” I whispered, because I thought he fell back asleep. Feeling him nodding made me smile. “Beautiful, isn’t it?”

“Can we go out for a walk?” he asked in a dreamy voice.

“We should wait for your dad to come home” I suggested. “If he arrives and it’s okay for him, we can go and check the Christmas lights in the street. How does it sound?” I placed a kiss in his hazel brown curls.

It was his first thing to ask when Alex entered the house a few hours later. He said yes of course, so we put on some warm clothes, and left. Cameron ran forward, leaving us slowly mooning behind him.

“Did your day went well?” Mahone asked quietly.

“Yeah” I looked at him. “We built a gingerbread house, which you could see only in its ruins, because Cam pretended to be a shark and… bite the roof off” I laughed. “We played hide and seek, drew some amazing pictures and while he took his nap, I finally finished my book.”

“I’m glad to hear” Alex nodded. As we walked, he suddenly offered me his arm. I glanced at him, and with cheeks turned into rose I accepted the gesture. “Thank you for being here for us” Alex whispered. “I have no idea what I would do without you. Truly.”

I smiled but remained silent, only fixing Cameron standing mesmerized in front of a huge, sparkling snowman statue. His words came up in my mind, and at that moment I decided not to let the moment go.

“Did he tell you what’s he wishing for?” I asked innocently.

“You mean the gun?” Alex burst out in laugh. “Yeah, well, he won’t get that one. Not yet” he shook his head. I refused the temptation of rolling my eyes.

“Mommy look” Cameron shouted when we finally reached where he stood. Timing is perfect, little guy, I thought myself.

“What did you say?” Alex asked immediately, astonished. I remained silent, curiously waiting for what was going to happen. “Since when do you call Y/N mom?”

“It’s a secret, dad” said the little boy. “Only Santa has to know, and mommy has to know” he added, while nodding seriously. Then he took my hand and started to pull me where he saw the thing he wanted to show me. Alex just frowned more, but this time looking at me, waiting for a proper answer.

“It’s on his list” I mouthed while smiling wide at the confused agent. I only hoped this is enough information him to understand the situation. Letting him go, I crouched next to Cameron, to look at a little sheep in a Nativity Scene he was excited about.

“Look at him, he’s so cute” I said kissing the little boy’s rosy, cold cheeks.

“Can we have one at home?” he looked at me. I chuckled and looked towards Mahone who stood a few steps behind us. His face surprised me. He was watching us so tenderly, with sparkling eye, slight smile glued on his lips. I felt my cheeks burn suddenly and I had to fall my eyes.

“I don’t think your dad would approve” I answered to Cam. “Go, have a look at Rudolph” I suggested, pointing towards an at least three metres tall, red reindeer-silhouette. The boy nodded, then he started running immediately.

“Don’t rush, son” Alex tried to calm him, without any effect at all of course. I stood up biting my lips, because I had no idea what the agent will say about what happened earlier. “So, what’s this between you two and Saint Nick?” he laughed as I took his arm again. We walked slow, so he could scan my face as I looked at him almost laughing in embarrassment.

“Cameron wants Santa to make me his mom” I replied shyly. “I think he wants him to be reminded. But as you heard, it’s a secret, so I shouldn’t have told this to you.”

“This means I have to wrap you and place under our tree?” he asked. I heard on his voice that he was playing. If it wasn’t for his arm, I’d fly away by happiness for sure.

“Why, do you think it’s a wish so easy to make come true?” I teased back.

“Well, this is Santa Claus we’re talking about. He can do anything” he looked at me, smiling wide.

Suddenly I felt myself ran out of words. These past three minutes made me fall for Mahone even harder, but I couldn’t imagine what was going to happen. I pulled him closer, and in the same moment he lifted his other hand to fold on mine. When I looked at him in surprise, I found his wondrously blue, sparkly eyes already fixing me. He smiled at me, and I suddenly got sure about the meaning of the word ‘Christmas miracle’.

We remained silent until finally reaching Cameron, who basically looked around in the whole street while we walked slowly after him. When he noticed us, hugged our legs.

“Hey baby” I ran through my fingers in the boy’s hair.

“Aren’t you cold, buddy? Can we go home now, you saw everything?” Alex asked.

“Yes” Cameron nodded looking up at his father, but he suddenly froze. “Look daddy, mistletoe!” he pointed above us. And he was right. We stood right under the huge reindeer, who has a great deal of mistletoe hanging in his neck. I laughed out loud, shaking my head. This only could happen in movies.

“Do you know what it means, Cam?” Alex asked his boy but smirking at me. He shook his head. “We all can wish something” Alex explained, awfully misinterpreting the whole thing. I curiously watched them, my eyes jumping from one to the other, and I couldn’t believe what Mahone was doing. “But we must close our eyes, otherwise it won’t come true” he warned his son. “I count to three, then everybody shuts their eye, okay?”

“Okay, daddy” Cameron replied, then he lifted his hands, ready to place them in front of his face. When Alex counted three and Cam covered his face, we looked at each other, and within a split second he placed his cold lips upon mines. I felt him cupping my cheeks and I pulled him closer by his waist. He let me go after a little while, but before he would completely pull away, he whispered just on my lips:

“I love you.”

“I love you too” I breathed back. Suddenly we heard Cameron bursting out in chuckling. When we looked at him, he stretched up his arms towards me, giving a sign he wants to be taken up.

“And I love you so much too” I squeezed him after lifting him in my arms, making Cam laugh even louder.

“What’s so funny, little man?” Alex asked smiling as well. He stood next to me so close, resting his hand on my waist. I looked aside at him, just to see the joy in his eyes.

“I peeked” Cameron giggled with his little hand in front of his mouth. He was so sweet I almost couldn’t bear.

“You were so fast making your wish” I said pretending some surprise. Alex laughed through his nose.

“Because I knew what I wanted to wish” the little boy rolled his eyes. “But you didn’t wish. I saw” he stated.

“What makes you think we didn’t wish?” his father asked.

“Bec…” he yawned just in the middle of his sentence. “Because you kissed Y/N, so you didn’t have time for… wishing” he grimaced by pulling up his nose impishly.

“Hey, I made one” I said while nodding. “Did you make one?” I looked at Alex.

Basically, the whole team minus T-Bag and myself was out on the field, trying to fight against Krantz and Michael’s mother at the same time. It turned out that it wasn’t just a coincidence that we were the ones left alone in our temporary flat. Because what we all had no idea about was me being the bait and the motivation for them to be successful – or at least in Krantz’s opinion and give the Scylla to him.

I was so naïve, believing T-Bag could ever be capable of a complete turnaround. He was so co-operative in the past weeks, so generous, so helpful… of course he had a hidden motivation back then, too, he always had. But it wasn’t at least me dead or the Scylla in Krantz’s hands.

I realized that it’s going to be not so okay, when the General phoned Michael, giving him an ultimate. Of course, it turned out shortly that there weren’t going to happen any bargain at all, and finally Kratz threw me in front of Theodore just like that. He left us alone in the flat, letting him (even urging him) to do anything he liked with me.

I was shaking, trembling all my body while T-Bag pushed me leaning to the door. I couldn’t see any solution what could save my life or get me out of here. I needed Mahone, only him. I truly desired to cry out his name, but I knew I had to stay focused and calm as long as I could. So, I just let him to handcuff me to the handle.

“Theodore, I promise you, if you let me go, I will stand by your side at the court. I’ll tell them you saved my life. Even Alex will be so grateful… just take me back to him” I started pleading desperately, but with a fairly strong voice. I couldn’t help but wincing when he suddenly stepped close in front of me, with his face inches from mine.

“You know, all these past times, I’ve always been so… so jealous! You get what I mean, right? Look at you, precious little girl” his eyes nearly scanned me through as he stopped for a moment, disgustingly licking his lips, “being married to that… dull, fuddy-duddy policeman. Don’t ya really think I won’t have myself a little fun, when it’s only the two of us?”

“I know that you don’t have the best relationship with Alex” I said immediately. I felt I had to talk, unless he would touch me or do even worse things to me. “But if you let me go, if you take me back to him, he won’t be ungrateful, trust me.”

“Oh, I don’t wanna hurt you. I wanna hurt him. And unfortunately, the only thing which can be hurtful for him is you being hurt. But don’t worry. You’ll be returned in one piece. Only in a little… used… piece” he winked at me, and my stomach flipped.

“Please, Teddy” I whispered. All my strengthen flew away in a second. My thoughts were rattling in my head, I was panting, sweating. He decided to walk past me, and as he took a few steps, he sniffed my neck. Cold, disgusted feeling ran down my spine, but I relieved when I couldn’t see him, even if it lasted only for few minutes.

Suddenly I felt the warmth of his body behind myself. He uncuffed me for a brief moment, only to separate my two arms, and cuffing them back to the two sides of the door so I faced him forward. I tried to fight him, but my weakness could do so little against his manly strength.

“We’re gonna finish sooner than you would recognise, my dear” he whispered straight in my ears, before stepping a bit further from me. My panting, heavy breathing echoed in the small room. I tried to detach myself from the situation. I started a mantra inside. Alex will come soon. Alex will save me. I must be strong just until then.

“Oh, look at that” Theodore smirked suddenly. At first, I hadn’t even had any idea, what could he see. I glimpsed at my trembling hand, and realized, just when he spoke again. “Look. At. That. What a beautiful wedding ring. Well, you know, it’s actually so good to see that Mahone has feelings too. But tell me, my dear little bird, has he been man enough to… go there?” he asked in a low voice, husky by the suppressed desire. He moved his hip and if I weren’t lucky enough to be able to back a few inches, our skin would join.

His eyes jumped back and forth between mines and my lips. My stomach was spinning, and I truly fought not to burst in tears. Somehow, I managed to strengthen my voice to retort.

“Alexander’s more a man than you could ever hope to be” I breathed through my teeth, managing myself to look him straight into the eyes.

“That was mean” he said in a pitying voice, backing a step. “I wonder if you’d be so harsh if you knew how long I’ve waited for this. Our little shared private moments. You wouldn’t behave like this, am I right?”

I didn’t answer, only turned my head as sideways as I could.

“What if we… take this off?” he teased. “As I see, this is only distracting you. I’m afraid you won’t enjoy… me… enough if it keeps disturbing you” he said, and after that he truly pulled the thing off.

“You can take my ring, but you never can make me relish anything you do” I said suddenly, even surprising myself with the strength of my voice. “You’re a disgusting human being, and if you’ve ever wondered why nobody loves you, let me enlighten some things. You’re incapable of love, Theodore Bagwell. Not with your body, not in your mind. Every touch of you is filled with brutality, violence, and you’re nothing but a filthy rapist who…”

I could continue, using even stronger and uglier words, but he slapped me so strong I banged my head in the glass, and if it wasn’t for my handcuffs, I would surely fall to the ground. “Listen here carefully” he hissed. I could barely hear him because of the blood rushing through my veins so loudly after the hit. “Now I’m going to show you, how functional and tender I can be.”

I heard the zipper of his pants opening, but I wasn’t strong enough to prepare for the next minutes. I couldn’t even open my eyes, only relying on my hearing. But instead of feeling fingers pressing on my neck or hands ripping my clothes off (as I imagined the next things would be) … I heard a crash. A crash like when you break something wooden. Steps, shouting, skin slaps skin. Alex’s voice. Alex’s voice!

I forced myself to open my eyes. It was Mahone, who searched for something around T-Bag. He was lying on the floor with a closed eye and a ripped eyebrow. Just in the same second, Sucré rushed into the room.

“Get this pig out of my sight” Alex hissed to him just before he could get surprised by the unconscious Theodore Bagwell. Mahone’s voice echoed firmly in the frozen air. Fernando nodded quietly, while Alex stood up and turned all his attention to me. “I’m here, Y/N” he stated, while his shaking hands found the closure of the handcuff, put the key into it and freed me. “Are you hurt? Are you bleeding?” he kept asking.

I couldn’t talk, not yet. When my loved one freed my hands, he immediately pulled me close to him, as I burst in tears. Luckily, he kept me by holding my waist, otherwise I would fall to the ground. All the suppressed tension surfaced, and all I was capable of was crying, unstoppably.

“Can you put your arm around my neck?” Mahone asked me softly. “I’ll take you out of here.”

I did as he asked, simply let him to carry me anywhere he’d like. Honestly, those few minutes are just blind spots in my mind. All I can remember is his strong arms holding me, tears leaving burning trails on my cheeks, the spicy, aromatic and so familiar scent of Alex’s fragrancy, and his soft tone whispering my ears: “I love you. I love you so much, and nobody could hurt you, ever.”

He found a bedroom empty which we could chose as a temporary shelter. Alex carefully placed me on the sheets, then sat in front of me. My sobbing subsided as I slowly realized that he is the one holding my hand, he is the one breathing with me, and if this is so, nothing else matters.

“Y/N, please tell me just one thing” he asked as he wiped the tears under my eyes. “Did he touch you? Even with one finger?”

“No” I breathed so quietly I wasn’t even sure if I said out lout. “No, he was just… playing” I added. Then I realized, what else happened, and the tears which just disappeared a second ago fogged my sight again. “But Alex, he took my ring” I looked into his eyes scared. “He took it off my finger, but I didn’t see his hands and I have no idea what he did with it.”

“It’s okay” he smiled, lifting my chin up. “You’re fine, and I don’t care anything else.”

As I was fighting with guilt and Alex just wanted to pull me close. When I leant to his chest, he placed a long kiss on my forehead.

“Can you forgive me?” he whispered suddenly. I furrowed my brows, but he continued before I could ask what he meant. “I let this monster… to be alone with you, to do anything to you… and if it wasn’t for Michael, he would have done anything.”

“It’s not your fault, Alex” I ensured him, hugging his chest even closely. “You couldn’t have known. It was a part of their sick game” I continued with slightly breaking voice. “You’re my hero. Truly.”

I felt him taking a deep breath, but the silence remained still. Before any of us could speak again, we heard the door opening. I snapped, stood up frightened, but it was just Sucré smiling shyly.

“I bet this is yours” he said and came inside to place some tiny in Mahone’s hand. He nodded happily and wide smile started to form on his lips, but I was too dizzy yet to realize what is that.

When Fernando left us alone, he looked at me and offered his palm for me as he would ask something.

“Show me your hand.”

I did as he asked, placed my hand upon his, realizing what did our friend find. Alex put the not-so-long-lost ringlet on my finger, just as he did back at our wedding.

- . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . -

I was sitting on the bed, turning my back to the door while struggling with the clips of my bra. I wanted to change clothes before Alex came in, and I was already wearing the lower part of my PJ’s, but the little metal hook just stuck. Suddenly I heard the door creaking.

“May I help you, miss?” I heard Alex’s sweet voice whispering in my ears. Wide smile ran through my lips, but I didn’t say anything, only nodded. He unhooked the cloth just within a sec, and while placing it in my palm, he pressed a light kiss on my neck.

“Thank you” I breathed.

“Are you sure you have to put that on?” Mahone asked when he was already laying at his side, watching me pulling my head through the PJ shirt.

“What are you trying to say… mister?” I asked back smiling, when I was ready and leaning on my elbow only a few centimetres away from his face.

“Oh, nothing” he laughed. “Liked the view, though” he added. He leant towards me; his lips found mines. We kissed each other passionately, then, while I was drowning in my feelings and in his love, Alex suddenly changed on our position. I laid down with him upon my body, keeping him close with a desperate and tight hug. I really enjoyed us finally being able to be ourselves, not having to hide our feelings.

Few minutes later Mahone pulled away, but stayed close in the same time, just staring at me, smiling. I cupped his face with my palm and smiled back.

“What?” I asked happily.

“I’m so thankful for you, Y/N” he whispered, while leaning towards me again. I barely could whisper a quiet “I love you”, before Alex kissed me again.

Just when his lips touched mines, we heard the door opening, and right after my brother, Michael’s voice.

“Y/N, haven’t you seen the…”

Things happened fast. When we heard the sounds, Alex lifted his head up, just to look Michael in his eyes. Mike stopped in his track, and when I sit up too, I could see his big, surprised eyes, his mouth fallen in surprise.

“I’m… sorry” he murmured, and immediately turning his back on us, leaving the room and closing the door behind himself. I rolled my eyes, swallowed back some nasty cursing, then I started to get out of the bed.

“Where are you going?” Alex asked while I searched for my slippers.

“Talk to him” I answered.

Lucky for me, Michael haven’t got so far. He was at the middle of the corridor when I closed the door behind myself.

“Mike” I called him. He immediately stopped but didn’t turn. “I’m sorry” I apologized standing in front of him.

“Since when?” he asked shortly.

“For half a year now” I replied. Michael scoffed then sighed deeply.

“Y/N, he’s a fed. An agent. What were you thinking?” he started to account me.

“He was a fed, but now he’s with us, whether you like it or not” I barked, but I gave myself a second to calm down, and only then continued. “Look. I know you don’t really like him. I know you had your affairs and I know what he was supposed to do you. But don’t forget what happened to him because of the Company and what led him into your team.”

“That’s different” Michael shook his head.

“Why?” I asked back. “Alex is a good man. And I’m sorry you had to figure it out this way, but I love him. I trust him and… I trust you too. Even if you don’t admit it yourself, there’s a reason you accepted him, a reason why you let him join. People change.” I added, but for now, I was finished with my speech. Michael was just staring at me, his eyes sparkling from the thoughts spinning in his head.

- . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . -

While Alex was having a shower, I made the bed and took my PJ’s in my hands. And I was thinking. All the time, to be honest. He was out of Sona, yeah, but nothing ended here, not at all. I had no idea what was coming at us, but I could imagine. Tons of paperworks, endless stream of trials, work-all-night type of sleeplessness.

I was just staring in front of me when I sensed some movement in the corner of my eyes. Alex was ready, then he stepped at the door sill. He put on an old grey T-shirt and a pair of shorts to serve as his pyjamas. I smiled at him – I loved how amazing he in anything.

“Do you feel better?” I asked when I stepped in front of him. I cupped his freshly shaved cheeks in my palms.

“The shower helped” he nodded. I felt honestly happy for him, and I gave him a short kiss.

“Lay down, get some sleep” I asked before I let him go. Alex immediately shook his head, as if I said something disturbing.

“I’ll wait for you” he declared firmly.

“Well, then just get into bed” I asked for the last time before I headed towards the bathroom. And, I added just in mind, it wouldn’t bother me if you fell asleep.

Well, of course, it didn’t happen. Coming back from the bathroom I found Alex tucked in, the lights were on and his eyes were (tired, but) open.

“I see you chose a side” I laughed.

“Since I was faster” he murmured. His voice was dim because the duvet he pulled straight up to his nose, and husky because the sleepiness.

I happily laid next to him, and for a short moment all I could do was stare at him. Then I started softly caressing his face, with only my fingertips touching his skin.

“Thank you, Y/N” he whispered suddenly. There was everything in these three words. His sleepy, but always beautiful ocean-blue eyes found mines.

“Nobody can hurt you anymore. I won’t let them” I replied confidently. Alex gave me a bleak smile, but then he shortly fell asleep. I stayed much longer awake, holding him, leaning on my elbows. Slowly my feelings started overflowing me. I was so proud of myself for being able to stay strong for such a long time (since I got him outside of Sona, all I wanted to do was crying, but there just were not time for that), but seeing all the signs with my own eyes just hit differently. And all of them were only the scratches outside.

Mahone’s whole body was shaking when we met again at the gate. He lost so much weight but grew almost a beard and his hair got so long. On all his skin there were plenty of cuts, scars, burned spots… I couldn’t imagine what happened to his soul, if his body suffered this much.

I sighed deeply, then looked at my love sleeping tight next to me. Alex turned to the other side, all I could see was his back. I leant into his freshly washed, fragrant hair, then pressed a light kiss on his neck. Tears started to fill my eyes, and I felt falling, drowning into my black, desperate thoughts and I could breathe less and less. I needed some fresh air, but because I didn’t want to leave Mahone sleeping alone, I stood in front of the widely opened window. It was a cool summer night; the slightly cold air was perfect for my ruffled nerves.

Suddenly other things came to my mind. What’s going to happen next? How long will I be capable to be the shoulder he needs? How the hell could I go with him to the trials, and twiddle my thumbs while the court destroys him? And that only will be the beginning. We must find a way to live in safety, at least only for a short period of time. Establishing a family, having kids and living a normal life were things I just wasn’t brave enough to think of. My palms got wet, anxiety beat me, and I burst in crying. I immediately shut up my mouth with my hand, and I only could pray that I didn’t wake Mahone. I was so angry at myself – if I won’t let myself fall, if I stay strong, as I had been before, it wouldn’t have happened at all.

I had no idea how long I stood there tearing, sniffling, fighting with anxiety at the window, but suddenly I saw some movement from the bed’s direction.

“Hey, you okay?” Alex asked as he walked towards me. I froze, at first couldn’t even opened my mouth.

“Yeah, I just couldn’t…” I wanted to say, but at that time Mahone was standing straight in front of me and when he saw my tear-soaked face, he immediately pulled me into his hug.

“I’m here” he murmured. “Tell me, what’s going on, please.”

“I should be the one who hugs you, comforting you and telling sweet words into your ears!” Words just broke out of my mind. “Speak about that everything is going to be okay and letting you to lean on me. I should support you, keep you, not… not the other way” I rambled rapidly in one breath, with shaking voice and hurting throat. “You’ve seen so much terrible things in the past, you’re in a condition that I must… and, Alex…”

When I looked upon him with teary, desperate eyes I saw he didn’t quite know why I was over the edge, but there was zero chance for a more bracing explanation. I put my arms around his waist, and burying my head into his chest, I started to cry again. There was so much amount of fear inside me I couldn’t tell. If it wasn’t for him, I surely would have fallen to the ground. I just hold onto him, stronger and stronger as it would be enough for erasing everything happened in the past months, hours and minutes.

Mahone was quiet for some time, he only pressed kisses into my hair, but it wasn’t for too long before he started soothing me.

“Don’t cry, please” he whispered. “Take deep breaths, like this” he said, and started to act as he said, like he was showing an example for me. I followed him, and few very-very long minutes later I felt a tiny bit better. I lifted my head from his chest, which was soaking in tears as well, and I shyly let him wipe my wet, swollen face.

“What made you... explode like this, honey?” Mahone whispered.

“I was thinking about what happened with you inside” I explained in a staccato voice. “And about… future. What is our future? Will we ever have… family?”

As the powerful f-word left my mouth, Alex’s eyes got wider. I clearly saw the facts clicking together inside his head.

“There are thousands of things to do” I continued, “and I have absolutely no idea, what should I do first. I must arrange the trial; I must defend you. I have to hold on, to be the stronger one, because…” My voice shook again, but there was only one thing I wanted to say, so I went on. “Because I can’t expose you to all of this. You’ve got enough.” I finished my speech, but fixed my eyes on his neck and chest, because I didn’t dare to look into his eyes.

“Y/N, what are you talking about?” he asked in a tight little voice. “I get you some water” he said, but when he wanted to let me go, I tightened my hug.

“Don’t you just start serving me” I countered immediately. “Just… I’m sorry for the drama.”

“What dra…” he started to bark, but he stopped and sighed deeply instead. “Okay, listen to me carefully” Alex lifted my chin. “I have no idea, where all this is from, like, fighting alone, but nobody has even thought about anything like that.”

“I know that without mentioning, that’s evident, because t…” I wanted to protest immediately, but he raised his voice and didn’t let me to interrupt.

“You can’t carry this whole damn globe on your shoulder” Mahone said slowly, quietly but strictly. “You’re the strongest woman on the Earth. But even you can’t do this alone. Apart none of us could. But let me tell you something amazing. We don’t have to do this apart” he smiled softly.

I put my right palm on his cheek, and when Alex laid his head a bit, I pulled him close. His forehead touched mine, and almost our lips touched too. I was just listening him breathing slowly, rhythmically. I closed my eyes.

“I’m afraid for you” I breathed. Alex slowly pressed a feather-light kiss on my lips, his skin barely touching mine. Shivering ran down my spine.

“I’m afraid for you, too” he replied after pulling away. “And I was worried during those three terrible weeks when I had no idea about the outer world, and I will be worried in the times ahead. But therefore, we must strengthen each other. Do this all together.”