inspiration is you

I whispered to the waves.

Wondering what it would feel like

To have my clothes

Cling

To my skin,

Heavy and wet.

Yearning to feel the numbness

That would blanket my body

From the cold.

All it takes

Is a quiet moment

After a night with

Good friends

To realize

That you really are

So blessed.

That all of your chaos

And emotional turmoil

Aside,

You are loved

And supported

And blessed.

It is so easy

To feel alone

And unwanted,

But all it takes

Is a moment

To remember

You’re not.

Know that I hold you still

Tenderly

In my heart

Wrapped in warm memories.

To all the children I’ve held

Know that I see you still,

Excited

By the possibility

Of crossing your path

When you are fully grown.

To all the children I’ve held

Know that I love you still

Wholly

Unconditionally

And passionately

No matter who you become.

To all the children I’ve held-

Even you

Who may not remember

Me-

Wherever you travel,

Know

That I hold you

That I see you

That I love you

And I always will.

That the issues

Would push me away

Far enough

To never get close

To you

Again.

But the love

Keeps me

Intertwined

And I cannot

Tear myself

Away,

The good times

Keep me bound

Tightly

To you.

And yet I lay awake

Wasting my time

Thinking about you.

As if it were still swollen-

Holding onto you,

Sending you

My love.

Who will look at my need

For constant reassurance

As extra opportunities

To tell me they love me.

I

Am not

A burden.

Tangled shreds of my heart

Strewn about

My mind

Unravelling

Quicker than I can gather it up.

I reach out

To draw you closer

But my hands

Leave bruises

On your shoulders

As they push you away.

Too much.

I yearn for

A steady river-

But I guess

Even rivers

Swell and break.

I crave

Rhythmic waves-

But even the tide

Changes.

I cry for consistency

When the only thing

Consistent

In life

Is change.

To hold

Nothing

To press to my chest

To comfort me.

Just a hole

In my womb

Playing on repeat

The feeling

Of you leaving

My body.

Trying to fill the pain

Convincing myself

I am okay

When really

My body always aches

To fill the space

Where you

Are supposed

To be

Growing.

I will never

Be full

Again.

It’s about losing control.

Struggling with the idea

Of not being in power,

The idea of not being

The one to win

As if this is some game

Where reservation

Makes you the better

Player.

Feel like I’m

Suffocating

In my own thoughts

Wrapping themselves

Over my nose and mouth

Making me choke

On my own

Fears.

I want to run away

But that would only

Put distance between

You

And

Me

And get me no farther

From the things

That make it hard for me

To breathe.

No escape

From my own mind.

That the second

I become

Vulnerable

The voices creep in

Shouting at me

‘You are not good enough’

‘You are not pretty enough’

‘You are not skinny enough’

‘You are just not enough’.

Where did these voices

Come from?

Why do they only appear

The second I allow

A man

To penetrate

My walls.

Are they the echoes

Of past lovers

Are they the shouts

Of haunting

Instagram posts,

Is it the voice

Of my mother.

Why do I forget

That my soul

Is what defines

My beauty

And that my exterior

Is merely a vessel

And my heart

Is a gift

To any.

What have I done

I dived right in.

Already drowning

In my own blood.

Cut the cord

Have you

Healed the wounds

Are you

Clinging to me

Because your demons

Want you to

Cling to me

Like a leech

So that they can

Get stronger,

Stealing the blood

From my veins

As they grow

Larger.