And to all the children: Congratulations!

the sight of men’s tits leaves me feeling weak and restless with lust. i need to be tucked into bed like a victorian woman dying from too little cocaine

"He has a 12 inch cock" well my pussy ain't a fucking magicians hat bitch where is all that supposed to go

MY DINAR 🔥 (blurry picture of a terrified man tied up laying on his side on a basement floor)

good morning! remember every day is a chance to begin anew [breaks off and sits on the edge of the bed staring blankly for 23 minutes before running a hand down face like a tortured movie protagonist] my god where did it all go so wrong

what is the point of international sports if not to root against the english

i feel like i never grew out of my Awkward Phase like damn this is just my life now

if i come to your house and yu have an annoying boyfriend im spraying him with the hose from outside im opening the door and im turning the hose on and im bringing it inside and im spraying him in the face and mouth and eyes with it

if you’re going to kill yourself you should do it at work so you can make it everyone else’s problem

I have a headache because I'm a bad person