femlich

i have a few rec's of varying ratings, but i'm going to stick with T-rated for anon.

Waking Up (T; 4k words) : takes place post-ep 9 about abstracted jax slowly waking up in the blanket fort and it's really precious

i trust you. and i promise (T; 1,600 words): a funnybunny fic about jax opening up to pomni that she's a girl

after the storm series (2 fics, T, ~6k words total): a funnybunny fic. the first fic is before jax is out to pomni, and the second fic is her coming to terms with her gender.

i really struggle to read fics that aren't completed so my list is limited atm because there are so many on my to-read list that are in progress! i also have like 20 tabs open on my computer right now of completed transfem jax fics i want to read next.

It's so soul destroying watching the lengths people will go to deny Jax's trans-femininity, especially because I saw so much of my own coming out story in hers. Jax's coming out story is nearly identical to mine up until the push and it ruined my life when it happened. I only made it out and transitioned because I had online friends who I could trust and who loved me and only called me by my chosen name. Before I had the courage to come out in the 2010s I did anything I could to hide my femininity because I was constantly abused and bullied for it both at home and school. Everyone could tell I was "a fag" it didn't matter if I was attracted primarily to women or dressed masculinity or deepened my voice or grew out my beard, everyone could tell it was a sham. People would make fun of me and say I acted more like a lesbian than a straight man. They were right. I even had a friend's mom straight up say that I reminded her of "Thai lady-boys" as an insult when we were both joking about a friend. Even with short hair and trying to man it up, I couldn't hide.

It took everything I had not to kill myself about it, and my mom was being supportive of my Bi brother, so I tried to come out. My mom also laughed at me when I came out as a woman. she tried to comfort me after but she followed that for weeks by degrading me and abusing me for it, until I was forced into homelessness.

She'd started caress my shoulders and my muscles and talk about how handsome and masculine I was. How I was the perfect man and a total catch. One time she even made a gross joke about giving me head. After my father was out of the picture my mother started getting emotionally incestuous and weirdly invested in my sex life and potential future fatherhood, but it got extremely bad when my facade of masculinity started slipping away.

The more I rejected it and started doing what little I could to feminize myself without HRT and voice train when I was alone or just with my cats, my mom bullied me and compared me to animals. "Become a fucking donkey for all I care just not in my house" She'd get mad and beat me with whatever objects she could find, even full stainless steel. I was lucky to make it out alive when I ran away.

I see a lot of this echoed in Jax. And this shit isn't uncommon. This is a very frequent occurrence for trans women. A LOT of us have really bad CPTSD and a lot of us were abused or are victims of incestuous abuse in one form or another BECAUSE of our status as feminine boys. (I won't get into my trauma around that further here)

I'm a rare case in that I never gave up hope, and I never stopped trusting people with the light of my true self no matter how broken I became.

I could have easily shut down and never trusted anyone again like Jax did. I know girls who have. If I didn't have anyone to turn to, or was living in the USA, I could easily see myself ending up in a similar position as Jax. I have known girls like Jax. I have helped and befriended girls like Jax. I've cracked the eggs of girls like Jax and been pushed away by girls like Jax that weren't ready to face themselves.

There's nothing about her story that makes more sense if you imagine her as Trans masculine, and the fact that hordes of trans masculine people are harassing Goose and other trans women over it is astounding. All this is going to accomplish is pushing more girls in that horrible traumatized place into further isolation and give them further trust issues. It's horrible to treat trans feminine people like we're not allowed to have complex feelings around our femininity, especially in the early years of pre and early transition like Jax is trapped in during her circus life.

ignore the arm holding the eyeliner i know it looks weird 😭😭

@alainartistabolilla

I kinda forgot that they were supposed to be asleep TvT!