feles's

I asked myself why I always depict you as a crumbled old book, more times than I'd like to confess. A damaged leather cover, loved dearly by so many scholars that tried to study and understand you, inevitably falling in love with the scribbled writings you carry. But for I moment I understood.

That color is the one of an old forest in a placid summer afternoon. Uncontaminated and ancient, taking me back at the time I was lost in it as a child. I was not scared back then, and for a moment I was not scared of staring at you. Those trees had so many memories and stories, even becoming book they'll continue to tell them next to the scribbled writing imposed to carry. In a language as ancient as the world itself. But I digress.

- Writing a diary! Or maybe having a video one, still don't know. This year has been rough, very rough, and I can't think of a good thing happened in these 365 days. But I'm still here and I know that in those days something good happened even if I can't remember it. So my resolution will be to catalogue all of the good thing happening (also with the bad ones) so that I never forget that there's also something good to look forward to.

- Taking really time to myself and to listen what I need. This one is a bit generic, but I never really tried to do it, hiding in some sort of distraction and jumping from one to another for years. I want to build an individuality and be happy with myself, even 1% at a time, I know it's a long process.

- Reading 5 books (not university related). It can't seem much but I really struggle with having time to read in those few past years and just now I'm starting to read more. This year I've read 3 books, I'm proud of myself to making time to rebirth this hobby.

- Maybe related to the second: Actually pursuing an hobby. I'm the type of person who in his life had 1000 hobbies, all getting dust in my cabinet because I'm not super skilled at it in the first couple months. Finding my individuality is also putting effort in something that scares me but I know I would love.

- Show love. It has become more and more difficult to do it in this year. I'm really closed up in myself right know with the fear of being disappointed again. But everyone deserves some love in their life, and past experiences will not rob me of this part of myself. It still will be difficult, I don't like to open up myself with anyone anymore and I never felt like this. It's a change that is a defense mechanism, but which can lead to something more serious. I want to find a balance.

- Grab my degrees and start working in the field I love. I just need to surpass some of my fears, I know I can do it but I'm also very scared.

The thing I hate the most is that no one can do anything and I want to learn to help myself out of this, but it takes times and acceptance of bad feeling I'm experiencing.

I know that if I try to cope with this how I always did it will make things worse, maybe it was needed to learn. Maybe it was all a bad joke.