— BEGGIN' FOR THREAD

Gosh, first I have to hear the world yammer ‘bout Katastrophe Kardashian’s latest, get relevant scheme - plastic cuffs, and a perfect visual of her melting, I mean crying, face that looks like Grinch’s snout when he frowns - and my other usual go-to source for news will be yammering about another kidding kidnapped story? Someone needs to shake this place up, or better yet, be a shining light in what has to be ‘rounding up to a dull Penbrook edition. I’m feeling awfully generous these days, so much so, I’d let the best reporter on the paper interview me - you. I know my followers are always looking for a spread on me yabbering ‘bout how I’m awesome, and who totally isn’t. 

You don’t like Kim Kardashian? I would have thought you did. You seem like a rip off Kim time to time again.

The Pembrooke Chronicles doesn’t write articles like that. We are very serious and established student newspaper. You’d know that if you actually read it.

I know the feeling, except I usually find myself tangled in that train of thought when thinking about your roots, but never the less, your welcome. High school sweethearts are only something a generation that believed in shoulder pads would find reasonably acceptable, or a reality that wouldn’t end in floating body parts, and missing never-beens nine times out of ten, honestly. 

Oh, anything good coming out? 

I still think he is alive. How depressing would it be to go to jail for killing someone like Schuester?

Nothing to existing. We are covering the disappearance of Mr. Schuester thoroughly though. It’s sadly the most exciting thing going on currently.

So tomorrow I’ll stop by your daily coffee route then?

Sure. Whatever you’d like. I’ll text you where I go.

His gruff voice can do wonders in certain areas, I’m sure. God, Leo Let Downcrapio? Don’t even get me started. I’m pretty sure the sandbags needed in New Orleans before and after Katrina, somehow hopped the levees and snuck into Leo’s under eyes, and what was once a jaw-dropping jawline. Aging is honestly God’s karma to white people, I swear - even the good ones. Romeo and Juliet ‘96 has caused me to waste a few pillows, but now, I agree, just hideous. Awe his wife; now that I remember that straw hair and her smile lines that are obviously a landing pad for our rubust crow population - I’m more certain than ever he ran away. I wouldn’t blame him; if I had to wake up every morning to the only Golden Girls cast member that hasn’t got the dead-damn memo: give it up already; I’d flee too. I’ll be studying for classes that actully pertain to my education, not to mention actually excercing my musal talents in places that will also benefit me. What about you? 

Your words are messed up poetry, Santana. I never know whether to praise your banter or try to determine if you’re clinically sane. I’m sure Mr. Schuester and his wife were the classic high school sweethearts gone wrong. When your young and someone is willingly sleeping with you, you look past a lot of things. But yes, his wife seems like she belongs in an asylum or a retirement home. 

About the same. I have far more important classes I want to focus on. Schue’s class was an easy credit. While I was on the top of his class, it’s not like I’m not in others. I also have my articles for the school newspaper to focus on as well. 

That’s a bummer. I always looked forward to his classes, Mr. Schue was always a nice guy. So we don’t go to class or anything? Do you hang out with me instead?

John Stamos? Look at you, Quinn, having taste. Mine is Brad Pitt. We’ll excuse the D-Drop day that happened a couple days ago because of his soon to be ex, because not even wrinkles and a wrist that get’s a case of the loosey-goosey when a bottle is in hand, can mask a jawline sculpted for the best kind of sitting any lady can ask for. Um duh, and you can thank: Daddy Issues, a life-long commitment to getting men so unappealing it should be criminal, laid. I told them to just Google any recent gel factory break-ins, or if Mr. Roger’s grave has been robbed, hopefully they took my advice. Plus, I think we should all be on the watch out for Justin Timberlake  or Nick Jonas - I wouldn’t put it past Schuester to try and pull a ‘Face-Off’with some R&B hunk in his last attempt to be relevant in anything but decaying - oh wait, I mean aging - like a fuzzy peach.

If he didn’t speak, Brad Pitt could be a decent choice. At least he aged better than Leonardo DiCaprio. I would have literally done anything to be with him in his prime days. Now...not so much. I’m sure he’s still very much alive unless his crazy wife ended up killing him. He’s so boring that I can’t imagine anyone killing him. Maybe he offed himself. Who knows? So what are you doing with that free time now?