12/17/2018

11/23/2018

Summer vacation started- well it started a few weeks ago. I need to start taking my writing seriously or else I’ll never finish with my book.

I don’t know why I get so awkward when talking to people. Especially people I’ve never spoken to. Plus- it feels like I’m the only one feeling awkward and the other person is just chill. Because today the guy said he thought I was very shy but I’m actually easy to talk to or something like that. And I’m just there breaking into very embarrassing awkward laugh/chuckles. I was still able to hold the conversation and keep it going at times but don’t you sometimes just FEEL the awkward on your face? As if your facial muscles are not in the right position and your smile looks fake. I do feel very happy when a person talks to me and approaches me. Inside I really do. But when I’m talking it gets awkward. And its not just with guys its with girls too. And sometimes even with my best friends or just close friends. I’ll be really awkward at times and it’s just like ??? They’re like your family whats with this weird feeling?? Anyways yeah. Okie bai. 05/10/2018

04/26/2018

It’s supposed to be sunny today but I feel like I’m stuck in a dark tunnel surrounded by grey clouds that are just starting to settle in.. I feel like some of the grey clouds are stuck in my throat and I can’t swallow them down to make it easier to breathe.. It’s like a season of my own just started and it will take a while to pass.. I wish I could just settle down in a comfy chair with some coffee and watch it all.. but I’m part of the act and it will take a lot of me to finally get to a happy ending.. if there is a happy ending..

In fact. The rest of the evening and into the night was very nice. Lots of smiles and laughter.

I was so excited for this weekend. I really was. And the first day was amazing actually (Friday). But the next day just turned to shit. For many reasons actually. And its early Sunday morning now and I feel like this day is already shitty too for some reason. This weekend went from super happy and exciting to sad and lonely and jealous and disappointing then upset to scared to worried to hate to more tears and then it got a little better after that (the hour before I slept) only a little better. And now its like all these emotions are just repeating themselves today with more jealousy and sadness and stress. And I wish I could get a hold of myself and do something to change these feelings but I can’t do SHIT! I can’t. And I have no one to get mad at and let these feelings pour out on. I can’t blame anyone. I can’t yell at anyone. I just have to rot in these emotions and wait for things to just turn better but it won’t. Not the better that I’m looking for. Hoping for. Waiting for. Because that better will take years and I can’t even fucking wait for a whole weekend so how am I going to last? All I can do is cry... but how much do I need to cry? I can’t get any more patient than I am already. And that sucks. I feel helpless. And no one is helping me. I thought I was. I thought that help came this Friday. That’s why it was so amazing. Then what happened? Why does happiness have to last such a little time for it to completely turn upside down. As if to remind me that life isn’t fair and you need to do more to get what you want... but I literally. Have. No. Power. I just wish I was dead sometimes. Temporarily. Sleep for as long as I wished. So I can just go through the days without having to face the bad parts. And wake up when life finally wants to be my friend. I know I’m exaggerating my problems. But I can’t help it. Why do I always feel hurt.. why so much? 03/18/2018

She’s so bubbly and always happy. She brought a smile to my face as soon as she walked in. It’s like her laugh and the shine in her eyes just wakes everyone up in the room and now everyone is talking to each other. She gives off a poppy pink color- especially with the (soft) pink jacket she wore today over her black clothes. Teasing me, complimenting me, and making me laugh. No wonder she has so many friends. Makes me wish I was kind of like her. Unafraid and confident about herself. I also wish I was more friendly and open with her. 03/15/2018

Gelled up black hair. Sunglasses. Sports gloves? The smile. And the smell of cherries. It’s interesting how you notice these things about a random person and make out what type of character they are. Imagining what type of life he or she lives and how they are at home with people dear to him or her. I like the thought process. On my way to the airport to see my mom off. I hope she gets there safely. She’s going by herself and I can’t help but worry. 03/14/2018

03/08/2018

03/01/2018

Does loneliness also feel like throwing up?..

I hate how I have to rely on adults to take me places with family and friends cause I can’t drive yet and I’m a girl so I can’t go too far by myself either.