#entry 40

Day 115, and I’m a 19 feet 9 inch tall queen! I showed myself to one of the farmsteads that’s a fair distance away, and one of the guys thinks it’s a great idea to shoot me! *laughs* Oh, he didn’t last long. And he missed me, like how do you do that!?

Anyways, now I’m finally getting enough food to fill me, thanks to the farmers. They’re so nice now that I’ve threatened to crush them like the one who shot me. *burp*

Where Have They Gone?

Where Is The Cry That Split The Firmament,

The Roar That Shook The Mountain Roots?

Where Is The One Who Birthed Time In A Breath,

And The One Who Folded Space Into A Cradle?

Gone.

Gone Like Morning From The Mouths Of The Dead.

Gone Like Prayers Spoken Backwards.

I Remember Their Footfalls In Thunder.

I Remember Their Names Carved In Snow,

Sung In Leaves, Etched In The Tremble Of Rivers.

We Called Them Saviors.

We Called Them Stars.

Now

No Wind Carries Their Names.

No Shrine Holds Their Shape.

The Flame-Lions That Guarded The Dusk: Ash.

The Storm-Birds Of First Rain: Unwinged.

The Islands Cry Out, But The Tapu Do Not Come.

Alola Dreams Alone Now.

Even Mew, Mother Of All Songs,

Has Left No Echo In The Stone.

Even Celebi's Garden Blooms Without Time.

Even Gods Forget How To Come Home.

Oh Dialga, Your Clocks Have Stopped.

Oh Palkia, Your Paths Lead Nowhere.

The World Turns, But The Axle Groans.

There Is No Center Now. No Anchor.

I Wail For Them

Not Because They Left,

But Because They Stayed

Until They Broke.

I Wail For Us

Because We Did Not Notice

When They Stopped Singing.

Tell Me

Who Mourns For The Sacred

When The Sacred Are The Ones Who Weep?

Who Mourns For Us

When We Are The Ones Who Forgot?

Tell Me

What Hymn Is Left

When The Choir Has Been Unwritten?

Sing Low, O Sky. Sing Low.

Are they starting to see through my mask

Is it falling off

I need to stop this I’m out of line

Stop getting mad and scared and stressed it’s not what they want or need from you

I’m frustrated for so many reasons. There are so many limits in life. Either because of religion or gender or age or family etc.

I just wish I could do what I want without having to ask for permission or do what I wish without feeling bad because of whatever reason.

I mean in some cases, it is good that I find myself being unable to do things because I’m either not supposed to anyways or I don’t have to feel guilty. But it’s just frustrating. Why do I have to feel guilty? Why can’t I do this or that? No. More like why are these rules set in the first place?

(OC: Date [16-08-2016] Day[Tuesday])

Dear diary… .

Left the tower today to listen for something strange outside. I found Jemton and Ara’ni both there an spoke for a while before a legion attack his the gates again.

We defended as normal. Once we got back howerver the shade started acting strange. She seemed to have lost all hope in defeating the legion. This was a cause for concern for me. I needed to be sure she would still lead us. I can’t follow somebody who has no hope. After asking however, she tells me she will still fight even though she thinks the current situation is a losing battle. As long as she will still fight and has not completely given up, I will still be happy following her. This war will not be easy and we can not just win, but we all need to know this and fight until we find a way.

An… image of sylvarys came to us. It had one thing to say and that was to stop trying to find his soul. He told Taryane that she had made him a promise to not aid him when he is dying. But it seems he meant me when he said it. At the time I just assumed that he would have asked the same of her and she didn’t want to accept just allowing him to die. I don’t want to either. But if he wishes to die, how can I give him a life he does not want. How can I extend his suffering? I wanted to help him, make his life worth living again. But I think I am too late. I think he is so welcome to death, he now only waits for it to claim him. I want him to live but I don’t want to see him suffer. It seems I can’t have one without the other. But I will try to give him a life worth living before it is too late. Like my father, I will not give up no matter what the challenge. I will hopefully change them for the better. And I will show the legion the same determination in destroying them all.

Well whilst writing this, an interesting conversation started between myself and Ara’ni. What at first started off as an interesting conversation about her culture turned into me being questioned. Ara’ni seems to think I am a robot… still. I don’t understand. I do everything I am asked. But this is wrong. I make sure I am ready and aware of the things I am doing. But this is wrong. I try to be the best I can but she keeps saying I lack emotion and that is whats holding me back. But if I went off emotion, Sylvarys would live as I try to save him. But that’s not what he wants, so logic dictates that I need to leave him to his fate. My father. Logic tells me that he is a death knight and will never love me like he used to. He is dead. But emotion wants me to try anyway to change him. These choices for emotion just look to be the wrong ones. My emotions have made me do stupid things in the past and I can’t let them make me make more poor choices. I can feel emotion. I do it all the time. I just keep them under check and make sure I make the correct choice. But I have also not had much to feel emotionally attached to over the recent years. Everything I have tried to get attached to I fail or something bad happens. I have to open up more and use my emotion more if I ever want overseer so I will have to try.

Ten’ji came over and said the same thing. I need to loosen up. I will need to try. I feel stupid. I know what emotion is but I keep it to myself because thats all I have had to share it will. Showing it caused me issues in the warband when I was... what I was before. And now not showing it is causing me problems now. Maybe now that I have changed...

Thats right. I have changed. I am what I should be. I feel closer to the days I was happy before the fall. I was fine then. I got along and didn’t have these problems. Maybe now I can go back to being who I was.  

 Yours faithfully

Here’s my annual birthday post: 21. In such a short period of time, so much has happened. I couldn’t wait to be 21, I couldn’t wait to have my hands on a drink whenever I wanted without feeling the guilt of being underaged and breaking the rules. However, after everything that’s happened, that’s the last thing on my mind. Celebrating my 21st has been barely an afterthought.

I wish I could know what’s wrong with me and why drama and bad luck seems to keep following me, but there’s no explanation for it. It’s something I have to be accustomed to, that now, anything that happens in my life can’t come as a surprise anymore. That doesn’t mean it hurts any less or that it’s easier to ease the pain. Lick my wounds, lick my wounds. For 21 years, I’ve been licking my wounds. 

Before today, I’ve been more public about my disapproving of my friends, and I guess the effect shows with their lack of voice in “my” day. And in my defense, I’m not saying I want everyone to greet me and I want the attention, but it is sad knowing your “friends” don't care about you enough to greet you happy birthday. 

I titled this post renewal, because I want to renew my life. I want to get away from the things that keep bringing me down. People who keep undermining my confidence, who publicize my insecurities and make fun of them. People who keep lying to my face, people who keep faking a smile. I lost myself at 20, and I can’t bear to lose the important people in my life because of the loss of self-control. The day before my birthday, my family got news that we would be losing our house in 60 days, I don’t think a birthday gift has ever topped that.